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Original poster

What must he think

91 replies

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 15:59

I have a friend who sometimes is a bit more than a friend.. he has been in my house a good few times and he decided to come up at the weekend and I am so embarrassed. I’m currently getting my kitchen decorated so the work tops are dusty and things are a little messy. At the same time I’m also getting my room decorated so it was freshly painted and carpeted last week and only has my bed in it to my new furniture arrives

i have to be honest I’m really embarrassed he seen all that mess and and can’t help think what he’s thinking as I’m embarrassed about it and doubting if he will come back. I was thinking of sending him pictures when it’s complete.

am I worried over nothing or would that be a big put off? Should I text him an apologies?

OP posts:
Summersolargirl · 16/01/2023 16:02

Do you suffer from anxiety? Do you struggle in relationships and act s bit desperate? Something about this shows an underlying issue

stop trying so desperately to please. Mess following renovation work is normal. You’ve nothing to apologise for. Just try to calm down.

TedMullins · 16/01/2023 16:05

he’ll probably think you’re having renovations done and nothing else apart from that? You’re really overthinking this

whattodo1975 · 16/01/2023 16:06

You could have just declined his offer to come up for the weekend couldn't you have ?

I think you are waaaaaaay over thinking this. This isn't how guys work, he isnt thinking "i'm not seeing her again, there was no bedside lamp".

If you had an enjoyable weekend together i am sure he'd like to come visit you again.

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/01/2023 16:08

What would you feel embarrassed about or apologise for? He’s a long-standing friend who has seen your house a number of times; I’m sure he’s more than aware that you aren’t some kind of layabout slob who never tidied and that this is a house mid-decoration.

Unless you’re prone generally to anxiety and catastrophising, this doesn’t sound like a good relationship for you to be in. Anybody who makes you feel as though you need to apologise for something so ordinary and insignificant is bad news.

Suprima · 16/01/2023 16:09

Why are you so concerned about a man who you shag no-strings-attached seeing mess in your house?

Like why do you care?

i don’t understand the panic about him not wanting to come back. He’s literally just a bloke. casual penis is pretty abundant.

Emmamoo89 · 16/01/2023 16:17

I'm sure it'll be fine. Don't worry about it. He'll just see that you're having renovations done x

Original poster
Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 16:22

I know I’m over thinking it I was just so embarrassed, the rest of the house was clean ect just the kitchen the way it is at the moment and dosent help that my kitten is still using a litter tray. Just worried it was a major turn off as I really like him

OP posts:
Suprima · 16/01/2023 16:27

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 16:22

I know I’m over thinking it I was just so embarrassed, the rest of the house was clean ect just the kitchen the way it is at the moment and dosent help that my kitten is still using a litter tray. Just worried it was a major turn off as I really like him

You have made it sound like this person is a ‘friend with benefits’ - is that the case?

If so, he hasn’t romantically committed to you and is enjoying popping in for sex- however jovial your ‘friendship’ may be the rest of the time

If you are worried that he will be ‘put off’ by your cat’s litter tray because you like him so much, this suggests that you have fallen for this person and the FWB stuff is doomed

Enjoying those ‘more than friends’ benefits only works if you can be a bit of an ice queen and enjoy the sex. Panicking that he is judging you for some dust and renovation mess ain’t it.

Summersolargirl · 16/01/2023 16:35

Honest;y if you’re just offering sex then he won’t care and will be back. But I think you’re behaving like this as you want a relationship, and if so you need to talk to him about that or you;L be gutted when he meets someone.

Original poster
Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 16:36

i think that’s the problem, I fell for this guy pretty hard and sadly if I’m truthful he will come see me and then I don’t really hear from him. Sometimes he doesn’t even text back. He just seems to be so into me when I see him then when goes nothing. I do try to impress him hoping it might change things

OP posts:
Summersolargirl · 16/01/2023 16:42

Then speak to him, he’s Just in it for the sex right now.

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/01/2023 16:43

There is absolutely no point in trying to “impress him” hoping it might change things if he a) doesn’t want a relationship or b) doesn’t want one with you. If you want a relationship then you need to tell him directly that this is what you want, and that if he doesn’t feel the same way then that’s fine, but you aren’t willing to continue the FWB arrangement any more. Anything else is a nonsense and you’re just going to end up being very hurt.

ShellsOnTheBeach · 16/01/2023 16:48

Why are you happy with the crumbs he drops for you, OP?

Why not work on your self esteem instead tying yourself into knots about this non- issue?

Suprima · 16/01/2023 16:48

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 16:36

i think that’s the problem, I fell for this guy pretty hard and sadly if I’m truthful he will come see me and then I don’t really hear from him. Sometimes he doesn’t even text back. He just seems to be so into me when I see him then when goes nothing. I do try to impress him hoping it might change things

Your vagina shouldn’t be open to someone who leaves you on read.

honestly, block and delete this man

he doesn’t deserve you. You will waste months of your life.

Zanatdy · 16/01/2023 17:30

This isn’t something that would worry anyone. My new bf was anxious about this kind of stuff when I was going over for the first time as he had just moved. I made it very clear that kind of stuff wouldn’t bother me at all, I mean so what is there’s mismatched curtains whilst you wait for blinds to be fitted, or unpainted walls. If he had told me he had been there 10yrs maybe, but 2wks? I’m sure this guy won’t think anything of it but by all means sure he’d like to see the photos. Don’t let it worry you anymore, seriously

Blendy · 16/01/2023 17:39

Confused this is so bizarre. Why did you agree to him coming over if you didn’t want him to see the mess?

perfectcolourfound · 16/01/2023 17:47

If it's just about sex for him, he won't care what your kitchen looks like. He probably didn't even notice.

If it's about more than sex, a messy kitchen won't have put him off.

If he judges you for having a messy kitchen while you're doing renovations / decorating then he's weird and not a very nice person.

It sounds like he uses you for sex, and you want more. Don't let this continue. It will impact your self esteem and leave you very unhappy. Either accept you want different things and walk away, or be honest with him about what you want and agree a mutually acceptable way forward as two equal adults.

DatingDinosaur · 16/01/2023 18:07

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 16:36

i think that’s the problem, I fell for this guy pretty hard and sadly if I’m truthful he will come see me and then I don’t really hear from him. Sometimes he doesn’t even text back. He just seems to be so into me when I see him then when goes nothing. I do try to impress him hoping it might change things

So he's just using you for sex then?

He really isn't going to give a crap about a bit of decorating mess so long as he gets laid when it suits him.

Sorry to be so blunt but you're basically letting him use you for sex because you like him in the hopes that he'll stop seeing you as a spunk bucket and fall for you.

Original poster
Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 20:18

the sad thing is I know he uses me and always hope things will change. I just feel a connection with him that I don’t with anyone else. I just don’t understand how he can come talk, sleep with me and we genuinely have a laugh then disappear again and leave me on read.

OP posts:
ShellsOnTheBeach · 16/01/2023 20:29

You need to really, seriously work on your self-esteem. There are lots of books on this subject, as well as talks on YouTube and podcasts.

And build a life for yourself that doesn’t depend on others. What are your interests? Develop them. Join groups of likeminded people. Go to Meetup events.

Start exercising or running or cycling or knitting or playing the piano or painting or whatever… Whatever floats your boat.

but whatever you do, don’t make your self worth dependent on some random man who is just playing and using you.

supercali77 · 16/01/2023 20:32

Ime men aren't turned off by dust. Noone here can answer why he doesn't reply after, but why do you keep letting him come round when you know its not progressing and you want more? A connection is 2 people, 1 person can't make it happen if the other keeps going awol

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/01/2023 20:34

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 20:18

the sad thing is I know he uses me and always hope things will change. I just feel a connection with him that I don’t with anyone else. I just don’t understand how he can come talk, sleep with me and we genuinely have a laugh then disappear again and leave me on read.

Because this is basically what FWB means: you have fun when you’re together, you genuinely enjoy each other’s company, there’s good sex with somebody you know and feel comfortable around. But there is - or should be - a mutual understanding that neither of you wants a relationship and so the expectations of a relationship, usually including regular messaging or phone calls, aren’t part of the package.

You clearly want a “proper” relationship whereas he seems to be being clear with you that he doesn’t. If you know you’re somebody who tends to develop feelings easily and can’t compartmentalise sex, then FWB won’t work for you. You need to ask him outright if this is ever going to go anywhere, and end the situation entirely if he says it isn’t / is ambiguous. I have a couple of FWBs I’ve had for several years - we are friends who care for each other and like each other’s company a lot but we’ve always been honest and open about what it is, and have never developed feelings in the sense of falling in love with each other or wanting to be a couple. That’s the way it should be.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/01/2023 20:36

Your vagina shouldn’t be open to someone who leaves you on read.

This!

FWIW I'm a boring married now but when I was dating I didn't have a spotless house, I didn't put up with crumbs, I was honest about what I wanted and chancers like this wanker didn't last long.

You get what you will put up with. And he's giving you crumbs. He's not worth a clean kitchen or dirty sex.

Minimalme · 16/01/2023 20:43

He came for sex. Did the dust/cat litter tray/no bedroom furniture put him off getting his leg over?

Thought not.

TedMullins · 16/01/2023 20:58

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 16:36

i think that’s the problem, I fell for this guy pretty hard and sadly if I’m truthful he will come see me and then I don’t really hear from him. Sometimes he doesn’t even text back. He just seems to be so into me when I see him then when goes nothing. I do try to impress him hoping it might change things

Good grief, get some self respect. Does this guy give you what you want (more than FWB)? No. Then he isn’t right for you. Stop trying to change yourself to be “enough” for him, he isn’t enough for you. There’s nothing wrong with casual FWB arrangements but they never work if one person has feelings. And crumbs on the counter won’t have any bearing on whether he has feelings for you or not. My partner adores me and the first time he came over there were dirty plates in the sink, dog hair on the couch and a bit of period on my sheets. If he couldn’t accept me at my slobbishness he certainly didn’t deserve me at my best.