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Original poster

What must he think

91 replies

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 15:59

I have a friend who sometimes is a bit more than a friend.. he has been in my house a good few times and he decided to come up at the weekend and I am so embarrassed. I’m currently getting my kitchen decorated so the work tops are dusty and things are a little messy. At the same time I’m also getting my room decorated so it was freshly painted and carpeted last week and only has my bed in it to my new furniture arrives

i have to be honest I’m really embarrassed he seen all that mess and and can’t help think what he’s thinking as I’m embarrassed about it and doubting if he will come back. I was thinking of sending him pictures when it’s complete.

am I worried over nothing or would that be a big put off? Should I text him an apologies?

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 16/01/2023 21:03

I think you need to forget him and work on your self-esteem. There is no connection. If there was he would want more than an occasional fuck. You really are just convenient for sex when he has no other options. I'm being blunt because you need to wake up and see what's happening.

Justcallmebebes · 16/01/2023 21:13

You're a booty call. Nothing more, nothing less. Absolutely nothing wrong with that if it's reciprocal, but it doesn't sound like it is.

I'm sure you can do better and find someone who loves and respects all of you, not just wants you for sex

Original poster
Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 21:37

i have tried dating but for some reason I always look for him in them. I don’t know why he has a hold on me. I was with my daughter’s father for 10 years and I wasn’t as hung up on him as I was this guy for some reason he makes me feel amazing when I’m with him and I then disappears again and hint this post I run threw everything in my head trying to figure out why. I guess I have a hard time believing that he’s such a nice guy but can do that

OP posts:
Blendy · 16/01/2023 21:41

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 21:37

i have tried dating but for some reason I always look for him in them. I don’t know why he has a hold on me. I was with my daughter’s father for 10 years and I wasn’t as hung up on him as I was this guy for some reason he makes me feel amazing when I’m with him and I then disappears again and hint this post I run threw everything in my head trying to figure out why. I guess I have a hard time believing that he’s such a nice guy but can do that

he’s literally doing nothing wrong. he views this as FWB, you’re the one trying to move the goal posts

TedMullins · 16/01/2023 21:42

Have you led him to believe you’re fine with the FWB situation? Or have you told him you have feelings for him and want more? That makes a big difference as to whether he’s a nice guy or not. Someone having casual sex and leaving afterwards doesn’t make them not nice. If he is under the impression you’re at ease with and enjoying the situation, he isn’t doing anything wrong. If he knows how you feel yet continues to sleep with you, he’s an arsehole, but you’re a mug for allowing it. And you’re only hung up on him BECAUSE he’s acting like this. You’re infatuated because you want your idea of him, a version of him that doesn’t really exist.

Original poster
Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 21:46

I have made it very clear a couple of times with him that I’d like a relationship. I did text him once and told him that I was out of energy trying to be with him to which he texted back he liked me too he then took me out that night and disappeared again. I asked him why he didn’t call to which his response was that I didn’t call him.. but when I do he doesn’t answer or text back then I feel like I’m torturing him

OP posts:
TedMullins · 16/01/2023 21:47

Well in that case his behaviour is making things very clear. He isn’t going to give you what you want and no amount of telling him/hinting/texting/hoovering your house will change that. Time to dump him?

Eatentoomanyroses · 16/01/2023 21:48

This is really sad. Please stop seeing him. You’re self worth is in the gutter. It’ll only get worse. You say you have a daughter, would you want this for her?

Original poster
Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 21:49

I have offered to make him dinner loads of times or asked him to go out walks or away for the weekend but he reads it but doesn’t reply

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 16/01/2023 21:56

You can do so much better than this OP. You may think he's lovely and wonderful, but he's really not. You've made it plain you want more but he's exploiting that for his own ends. That's not what a nice person does

ImpartialMongoose · 16/01/2023 21:57

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 20:18

the sad thing is I know he uses me and always hope things will change. I just feel a connection with him that I don’t with anyone else. I just don’t understand how he can come talk, sleep with me and we genuinely have a laugh then disappear again and leave me on read.

Because he sees you as an acquaintance that he has sex with. Ignoring you afterwards is blatantly telling you this without words. He's chatty and friendly because that's probably just what he's like as a person.

catandcoffee · 16/01/2023 21:57

OP in the kindest way possible..... hes not interested in your kitchen, or your decorating, or your dust............he's only interested in having SEX.

Come on wake up and smell the coffee.
He has no respect for you it doesn't matter what you do, he only wants sex.

Sandra1984 · 16/01/2023 21:59

He’s coming to your house for the free no strings attached sex and probably hasn’t even notice or doesn’t remember you were renovating. For someone who doesn’t give a hoot about you you really care about his opinion.

ImpartialMongoose · 16/01/2023 22:01

Anyone for intermittent reinforcement? Limerance?

Sandra1984 · 16/01/2023 22:05

ImpartialMongoose · 16/01/2023 22:01

Anyone for intermittent reinforcement? Limerance?

It’s not limerence, I believe it’s a trauma bond what she has with this guy.

GinIronic · 16/01/2023 22:05

Raise your standards - and I’m not talking about the dust on your work tops.

Original poster
Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 22:17

id Really get it if he just texted back when I ask him to go out a walk or to the cinema and say no. I’d don’t understand why he just doesn’t text back and say no thank you as I’ve had people ask me out and I’ve kindly declined but he just stays silent.

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 16/01/2023 22:29

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 22:17

id Really get it if he just texted back when I ask him to go out a walk or to the cinema and say no. I’d don’t understand why he just doesn’t text back and say no thank you as I’ve had people ask me out and I’ve kindly declined but he just stays silent.

Several reasons:

  1. he doesn’t give a hoot, You’re not his girlfriend so why give you an explanation? Personally I think that’s rude and even if you’re just a FWB you’re still a human being that deserves to be treated with kindness. This man is not kind.
  2. he doesn’t like confrontation so instead of saying “no” he’ll let you figure it out for yourself that he has no interest in having more than a FWB situation.

to be honest the guy sounds like a douche, he obvs know you want more than a FWB with him and instead of having a conversation and laying his cards on the table he’s just playing you like a fiddle. This is not a kind or caring man OP, why are you so invested in this person?

Summersolargirl · 16/01/2023 22:32

Oh god op. He’s not even pretending. It’s so utterly rude to ignore you and not even bother responding. You need to stop. Stop making yourself available for sex any time he fancies emptying his ball sack

take this thread, panicking he won’t come back,as your work tops were dusty.

honestly. By making yourself available for sex when ever he fancies it and allowing him to ignore you he will have no respect.

don’t do it to yourself. x

Dery · 16/01/2023 22:33

Silence is an answer. He is saying ‘no’. If he wanted to see you, he would say ‘yes’. So his silence means ‘no’.

At some level, OP, it suits you to stay stuck on someone who just isn’t that into you. It wouldn’t surprise me if at some level you have a fear of intimacy. Or this replicates relationships you experienced growing up so this dynamic is familiar and therefore comfortable. So although this situation superficially doesn’t suit you, at some level it does suit you to stay stuck on someone unavailable and bat away men who are properly interested in you. You can re-programme this but it will take some consciousness and work.

This man won’t give you what you want and you won’t get what you want while you let him hang around. You’d be best off putting a stop to this thing with this guy and moving on.

Sandra1984 · 16/01/2023 22:35

And that “special connection” is called trauma bond, you’re desperately trying to bond with him whenever he decides he wants to get laid .

BunchHarman · 16/01/2023 22:39

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 20:18

the sad thing is I know he uses me and always hope things will change. I just feel a connection with him that I don’t with anyone else. I just don’t understand how he can come talk, sleep with me and we genuinely have a laugh then disappear again and leave me on read.

Because you’re offering yourself on a plate to him. You’re an easy shag and he doesn’t have to make any effort for you.

I’m sorry if that sounds brutal, especially as it’s the age-old tale of one party, usually the woman, developing feelings, but you’re worth much, much more than the miserable emotionless shag this guy is offering you.

He doesn’t even bother to reply to your messages. Cut him off. It’ll hurt, he’ll probably crawl up out of the woodwork for a while when he realises, which will really test your resolve, but you need to cut it off.

BunchHarman · 16/01/2023 22:41

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 22:17

id Really get it if he just texted back when I ask him to go out a walk or to the cinema and say no. I’d don’t understand why he just doesn’t text back and say no thank you as I’ve had people ask me out and I’ve kindly declined but he just stays silent.

He doesn’t want to say no in case it upsets you and you stop giving him an easy shag when he wants it.

I’m sorry, it’s tough but it’s true.

Original poster
Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 22:42

I know, I texted him the night after he stayed and told him I hadn’t smiled like that in a while and what a great guy he was as I always pay him compliments but nothing which put it in my head about the current state of my kitchen

OP posts:
Summersolargirl · 16/01/2023 22:46

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 22:42

I know, I texted him the night after he stayed and told him I hadn’t smiled like that in a while and what a great guy he was as I always pay him compliments but nothing which put it in my head about the current state of my kitchen

He’s just not interested op. It’s nothing to do with your kitchen. He doesn’t want a relationship with you. Sometimes folks can like someone but just not see themselves with them, or sadly, sometimes rhe sex is good but they don’t feel the gel with the person.

This will never change, he’s not going to change his mind . He will meet someone else. I’m sorry

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