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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What must he think

91 replies

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 15:59

I have a friend who sometimes is a bit more than a friend.. he has been in my house a good few times and he decided to come up at the weekend and I am so embarrassed. I’m currently getting my kitchen decorated so the work tops are dusty and things are a little messy. At the same time I’m also getting my room decorated so it was freshly painted and carpeted last week and only has my bed in it to my new furniture arrives

i have to be honest I’m really embarrassed he seen all that mess and and can’t help think what he’s thinking as I’m embarrassed about it and doubting if he will come back. I was thinking of sending him pictures when it’s complete.

am I worried over nothing or would that be a big put off? Should I text him an apologies?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/01/2023 20:38

TedMullins · 17/01/2023 20:37

To be fair OP you’re setting yourself up for it by continually texting him. Just stop. He isn’t interested. His silence speaks volumes. And block him so he can’t worm his way back in for sex.

This. Just stop chasing him. He keeps running.

Summerhillsquare · 17/01/2023 20:47

Come on, is he really all that? Or is it wanting what you can't have? I bet he has weird feet or slurps his food or something unpleasant - focus on that!

Sandra1984 · 17/01/2023 20:58

Blendy · 17/01/2023 20:30

oh ffs. And where did you learn this? Your psychiatry degree? Or Wikipedia? 🤔

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Why are you so angry at something that is pretty common in women? Any psychologist would tell you. I’m not one myself but I’ve been in therapy for a long time and discussed this issue with my shrink (and yes, she has a degree in psychiatry). I don’t known the OP from Adam but I was just making a suggestion that maybe this could be the case,no need to throw me into the lions den for making that suggestion.

Blendy · 17/01/2023 21:05

Sandra1984 · 17/01/2023 20:58

Why are you so angry at something that is pretty common in women? Any psychologist would tell you. I’m not one myself but I’ve been in therapy for a long time and discussed this issue with my shrink (and yes, she has a degree in psychiatry). I don’t known the OP from Adam but I was just making a suggestion that maybe this could be the case,no need to throw me into the lions den for making that suggestion.

Show quote history

oh I’m not angry, I’m insulted on behalf of OP who says herself she has a great relationship with her dad. But no, some random stranger online has pegged her as having ‘daddy issues’ (seriously could you be more patronising?) because she’s having a problem with a man. It’s pure misogyny (or internalised misogyny if you’re a woman which is even worse!)

TedMullins · 17/01/2023 21:13

Blendy · 17/01/2023 21:05

oh I’m not angry, I’m insulted on behalf of OP who says herself she has a great relationship with her dad. But no, some random stranger online has pegged her as having ‘daddy issues’ (seriously could you be more patronising?) because she’s having a problem with a man. It’s pure misogyny (or internalised misogyny if you’re a woman which is even worse!)

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It’s not. The OPs behaviour and mentality around this guy is very typical of someone with low self esteem and a warped idea of attachment, which often does come from childhood. Speaking as someone who used to be like this myself!

Sandra1984 · 17/01/2023 21:22

Blendy · 17/01/2023 21:05

oh I’m not angry, I’m insulted on behalf of OP who says herself she has a great relationship with her dad. But no, some random stranger online has pegged her as having ‘daddy issues’ (seriously could you be more patronising?) because she’s having a problem with a man. It’s pure misogyny (or internalised misogyny if you’re a woman which is even worse!)

Show quote history

I didn’t read that last post of the OP (ok my fault). You see “internalised misoginy” In my post (very tik tik armchair psychology by the way) but I just see self projection. Some of us DO have daddy issues and we’re in fact abandoned by our fathers (who are not by our best friends unfortunately).

Sandra1984 · 17/01/2023 21:24

(Sorry for the typos)

Sandra1984 · 17/01/2023 21:27

And yes, those daddy issues made us chase unavailable men and “eroticise” abandonment.

Blendy · 17/01/2023 21:27

Sandra1984 · 17/01/2023 21:22

I didn’t read that last post of the OP (ok my fault). You see “internalised misoginy” In my post (very tik tik armchair psychology by the way) but I just see self projection. Some of us DO have daddy issues and we’re in fact abandoned by our fathers (who are not by our best friends unfortunately).

Show quote history

how like a misogynist to think internalised misogyny is armchair psychology 🙄. Sorry about your daddy issues, maybe work on not projecting them onto other women who don’t have them?

Sandra1984 · 17/01/2023 21:27

Its a very common trauma response.

Lookingoutside · 17/01/2023 21:39

‘Sorry to be so blunt but you're basically letting him use you for sex because you like him in the hopes that he'll stop seeing you as a spunk bucket and fall for you.’

Shame on you @DatingDinosaur for your misogynistic language towards the OP.

Have a heart.

FlowerArranger · 17/01/2023 22:51

Have a heart??!!!

OP needs a backbone...

TigerYiger · 17/01/2023 23:46

While you're sitting waiting and doing up your space, try listening to this

He's a bit bonkers but very honest, it might help you see your way forward.

I agree with @Sandra1984, very much a typical trauma response. Good luck x

Lookingoutside · 18/01/2023 10:54

‘OP needs a backbone...’

@FlowerArranger

Not having ‘a backbone’, and then getting one can be a complicated, difficult process.

Misogynistic abuse is never the solution to that. Stop being dim.

Original poster
Januarybaby7 · 18/01/2023 20:19

I got my kitchen finished today and everything tidied up so I am at piece of mind now, I asked a couple of men in work about it and they agreed with you all that I was over thinking it and that something was a bit sus with him showing up and leaving again. Im still fighting the urge to send photos of the finished product Thomas he probably won’t text me back but would somehow make me feel better knowing he knows that things are not like that normally even tho he has been in my house many of times prior to the refurbishment. I think the problem stems from my daughters father who used to criticise me and that I didn’t clean enough and say I was ‘messy’ all the time even tho I work 42hrs a week and look after my daughter

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 18/01/2023 20:28

the problem stems from my daughters father who used to criticise me

The problem stems from you listening to arseholes! Rather than nice people.

Is there a little snippet of the kitchen that would could share here (not identifying of course) and we can admire it?

I love a good kitchen Reno!

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