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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What must he think

91 replies

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 15:59

I have a friend who sometimes is a bit more than a friend.. he has been in my house a good few times and he decided to come up at the weekend and I am so embarrassed. I’m currently getting my kitchen decorated so the work tops are dusty and things are a little messy. At the same time I’m also getting my room decorated so it was freshly painted and carpeted last week and only has my bed in it to my new furniture arrives

i have to be honest I’m really embarrassed he seen all that mess and and can’t help think what he’s thinking as I’m embarrassed about it and doubting if he will come back. I was thinking of sending him pictures when it’s complete.

am I worried over nothing or would that be a big put off? Should I text him an apologies?

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 16/01/2023 22:46

No answer is an answer.

He's told you how he feels and shown you how he feels.

He doesn't want what you want.

You want a happy, healthy relationship.

Not only can you not have it with him, for as long as you're sleeping with him and having contact, you won't meet someone you could have that with.

Mumofoneson5 · 16/01/2023 22:48

It’s not really about the kitchen is it OP? ❤️

huuskymam · 16/01/2023 22:50

I wouldn't stress about it. He's been in your home before so he'll know you're getting work done and it's out of sorts at the moment.

frozendaisy · 16/01/2023 22:50

There is literally nothing to throw away OP.

Do you want to be with a man who judges the clearness of your house or who wants to walk and eat with you?

He is keeping you stunted.
Please let him go for your own sanity.

kayd90 · 16/01/2023 22:53

I really don't think your kitchen is the problem... I think its pretty obvious you're getting the house decorated. It's pretty standard it's gonna be abit messy.

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/01/2023 22:54

He’s using you. As you know.

The sense of ‘deep connection’ is rooted in your childhood attachment issues. It’s not real. And after you’ve dumped him - a while after - you’ll look back and despair that you gave this random twat so much power over your emotions.

Get rid of him. Renovate your love life OP!

shivermetimbers77 · 16/01/2023 22:57

Been there, done that, bought the t shirt OP. I wasted YEARS of my 20s on a man like this. Was it worth it? No! Do what I finally did and kick him to the kerb. Wish I had done it earlier.

Sandra1984 · 16/01/2023 23:11

@AtrociousCircumstance It’s not real. And after you’ve dumped him - a while after - you’ll look back and despair that you gave this random twat so much power over your emotions.

GOLD.

Monty27 · 17/01/2023 04:38

Why would he care about a booty call's kitchen being dusty or messy?
Wake up OP. Do you really think so little of yourself?

Original poster
Januarybaby7 · 17/01/2023 06:03

I think I stupidly live in hope that he might change his mind one day and because he’s in his 30’s now he might want to start thinking about something serious and settling down

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/01/2023 06:05

Januarybaby7 · 17/01/2023 06:03

I think I stupidly live in hope that he might change his mind one day and because he’s in his 30’s now he might want to start thinking about something serious and settling down

He might. It won't be with you. I guarantee it.

There is someone for you but you're currently not leaving a space for that because he's there, clogging up your life.

Original poster
Januarybaby7 · 17/01/2023 08:15

I guess I’m living in a fantasy world thinking it will be me

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 17/01/2023 09:49

Januarybaby7 · 17/01/2023 08:15

I guess I’m living in a fantasy world thinking it will be me

He's probably already in a serious relationship/married. You are so unbelievably passive, find your spine and do something positive. Block him and move on fgs.

TedMullins · 17/01/2023 09:59

OP I’m sorry but I would bet my life savings it won’t be you. He knows how you feel. If he wanted to be with you he already would be. Please do something for yourself and get rid of him! Learn to be comfortable and content alone before dating anyone else.

Justcallmebebes · 17/01/2023 12:05

Januarybaby7 · 17/01/2023 06:03

I think I stupidly live in hope that he might change his mind one day and because he’s in his 30’s now he might want to start thinking about something serious and settling down

Yes he probably will but I bet a week's wages it won't be with you. Hard, but you should really wake up and see this for what it is, you lying down and letting him walk all over you

Are you sure he's not already in a relationship?

Blendy · 17/01/2023 13:48

@Sandra1984 wtf do you think this is ‘trauma bonding’?! TikTok has a lot to answer for 🙄

Sandra1984 · 17/01/2023 14:10

Blendy · 17/01/2023 13:48

@Sandra1984 wtf do you think this is ‘trauma bonding’?! TikTok has a lot to answer for 🙄

I’ve never watched tik tok in my life, but sounds like the OP is reviving some childhood trauma by desperately trying to Bond with a guy who doesn’t give a hoot about her. I may be mistaken of course.

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 17/01/2023 14:14

Run. Run very fast and very far away from this man.

Blendy · 17/01/2023 15:07

Sandra1984 · 17/01/2023 14:10

I’ve never watched tik tok in my life, but sounds like the OP is reviving some childhood trauma by desperately trying to Bond with a guy who doesn’t give a hoot about her. I may be mistaken of course.

Show quote history

where have you got the idea that this is related to OP’s childhood? Honestly internet armchair psychology diagnoses are so unhelpful and can be damaging

Sandra1984 · 17/01/2023 18:06

Blendy · 17/01/2023 15:07

where have you got the idea that this is related to OP’s childhood? Honestly internet armchair psychology diagnoses are so unhelpful and can be damaging

Show quote history

Rooting for the unavailable man so fiercely is a very common daddy issue in women, one that is usually based in childhood abandonment or emotional neglect. Would be interesting to know OP's relationship with her father. Signed: "armchair psychologist on the internet".

DatingDinosaur · 17/01/2023 19:41

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 21:49

I have offered to make him dinner loads of times or asked him to go out walks or away for the weekend but he reads it but doesn’t reply

That's because he doesn't want anything other than sex. He only ramps up the attention when he thinks he's going to lose the opportunity of sex on tap. He's using the fact that he knows you like him to suit him. He'd put way more effort in if he saw you as anything other than a fuck buddy. It doesn't even sound like you're friends with benefits from what I've read.

Grimblygrumbly · 17/01/2023 20:28

Januarybaby7 · 16/01/2023 22:42

I know, I texted him the night after he stayed and told him I hadn’t smiled like that in a while and what a great guy he was as I always pay him compliments but nothing which put it in my head about the current state of my kitchen

Do you think if your kitchen had been perfect, he would have responded and said that he wanted a relationship with you?

Blendy · 17/01/2023 20:30

Sandra1984 · 17/01/2023 18:06

Rooting for the unavailable man so fiercely is a very common daddy issue in women, one that is usually based in childhood abandonment or emotional neglect. Would be interesting to know OP's relationship with her father. Signed: "armchair psychologist on the internet".

Show quote history

oh ffs. And where did you learn this? Your psychiatry degree? Or Wikipedia? 🤔

Original poster
Januarybaby7 · 17/01/2023 20:35

My dads actually my best friend and I am a big daddy’s girl. I think your right when you say he’s not even a friend as I texted today and asked if he was ok and wanted to hang out tomorrow and go bowling or something and he’s left me on read. Really don’t know how someone can be so cruel

OP posts:
TedMullins · 17/01/2023 20:37

To be fair OP you’re setting yourself up for it by continually texting him. Just stop. He isn’t interested. His silence speaks volumes. And block him so he can’t worm his way back in for sex.