Emotional blackmail

[Everythingisonebigmess]

Partner, father of my son stayed the weekend at his empty parents house. He does this occasionally.
He's broken me mentally, gaslit me and I'm a mess.
Incident at the weekend and an incident happened. I called him selfish.
He's been messaging me last 2 days saying if I don't apologise and admit to being na emotional abuser, then he won't come back and I'll have to pay all rent and bills on my own (he knows I can't afford it).
He kept messaging me yesterday leading upto the time he would return, saying "if you don't apologise I'm not coming back"
Then an hour later "so are you apologising or I won't come home"
He basically sent a load of WhatsApp messages that I have read because he always insults me. I'm told I'm a bitch, mental, need therapy etc. It upsets me, so I don't read them. Also, he has no idea to engage in trying to resolve conflict. I can literally express something such as, I feel sad that we don't do more together bad he will respond saying I'm insecure, mental and it's unattractive and he will leave me.

Yesterday I replied saying that I didn't want to read the messages as they will cause upset and that texting back and forth gets us nowhere. As we are two adults, who live together with a child, I was more than happy to have an in person discussion over any concerns. So if he came back, we could do this but if he didn't want to come back, thats his choice.

This morning he's sent me a load more messages this morning.

1st - so you're not going to apologise. I'm moving out
2nd- you're an emotional bully (with a load of other shit thrown in)
3rd - I'm moving out permanently if you don't change
4th- I'll move out and you'll have to pay for all the rent and bills

So if I don't apologise to a man (who has destroyed me) that I'm an emotional bully, he's not coming home.
Good riddance you may say.
Except I can't go to work without childcare. I can't afford to live in this house. There are no houses to move to and nobody I can stay with.

That meant to say that he has sent a load of WhatsApp messages that I HAVEN'T read.

He has done you a massive favor. Don't apologise, don't let him come back home.

Others will have more practical solutions regarding housing/childcare/work etc but for the short-term, be glad that he has gone.

you should be entitled to uc if you are split up. I would start that process and speak to your work. This is a form of abuse do not respond and try to get your entitlement sorted.

You also have evidence of this abuse and his coercive control. He sounds like a right stupid cunt for giving you this evidence in text. What a moronic arse-wipe he is.

Oh the things he has said are all ten times worse and all via text. I know that as soon as I say one nasty thing, he will show people. So apart from calling him selfish at the weekend, im very careful with how I word things.

The other week, he left me alone for the weekend when I was really unwell with our son who had also been unwell and therefore I'd been getting 4 hours sleep. He left anyway and said I wasn't his priority. Then despite me being ill, asked me to travel to bring our son to where he was, so he could see his parents.
I said of course he could have our son, however as I had been really unwell. Please could he collect him instead of me driving out of my way. I said I'd be really very appreciative.
His response "you're a nasty piece of work, you're just like your father - a mean person (my dad is dead and he's never met him). It's better our son is away from.you because you're so horrible. I'm doing to tell my parents that you are denying them access to their grandson".
I just replied "it's your decision, if you change your mind then please just let me know".
I just got a load of insults back!

If you reply at all I would reply with, a look at your messages to me prove who the emotional bully is and it isn't me.

But screen shot them all first.

Honestly it doesn't matter what I say in reply. This is why I don't engage in the 7 unread paragraphs he sent me yesterday. He doesn't want an actual discussion. It does not matter what I say in response, anything except "you're amazing and I'm sorry" will be met with insults..
He doesn't have a conversation. He insults me.
I don't know what to do. I'll be homeless. My son keeps asking for his dad.
I can't even go to work.
And for some messed up reason, I love him.

You sound amazingly strong given the situation. You have completed step 1 and you see the real dysfunction and where it lies. Can you get in touch with womens aid you need support to get away from this. Hold onto the messages somewhere as evidence. It is extremely tough but there is nothing worse than having to live in and then by default actively participate in and enable your own abuse. Mental health issues, anxiety and depression come from doing that. It does a real number on you.

Have you heard of Stockholm syndrome

“And for some messed up reason, I love him”

This is an incredibly common survival mechanism.

This is not love

Do you want your son growing up thinking this is normal ?

You deserve so much better and so does your son

This is what UC is for .. times when life throws curveballs and we need to pull up our socks and be the adult

Good luck 💐

Stop worrying about what to say to him, and start figuring out a plan to live your life and your child's life without him. Keep all the messages, call Women's Aid or a similar charity and ask for help, apply for UC as PP have said. You can't live like this. Your son can't live like this. There are solutions for women in your position - not easy ones but they are there. Hopefully someone will be along soon to give you more detailed advice and help.

(If you are posting because he's messed with your mind so much that you are needing validation that his behaviour is unreasonable, then yes, it is, which is while all PP are focussed on telling you to let him leave and good riddance rather than focussing on the ins and outs of who said what)

Maybe I should message back "if you don't come back, I'll phone the police and tell them that you grabbed me and pushed me last week!
I wouldn't...and certainly wouldn't blackmail him.
It's ridiculous though. I've been through so much that I couldn't be anymore broken. He also likes saying and doing things then pretending they did not happen.

I replied to him reiterating what I said last night. That we are two adults with a child and that you don't end the relationship with the mother of your child over text. I said texting back and forth is not productive, so he can either come back and we can have a discussion, or choose not to. It's his choice.
He doesn't want to discuss anything though, he's not capable. When I call him put on his behaviour he either walks away, tells me to stop as it's making him angry, or says I'm abusive bring up something he's done in.the past.

Can I ask you @Everythingisonebigmess and I know the answer already. Would you want your son treating his future partner like this? Your son is learning how to do adult relationships from you and your DH. You are modelling his future relationships.

Wouldn’t you prefer to model to him that yes son dysfunctional relationships exist, but the best things to do is to remove yourself from the situation.

You might not realise it yet but you, yourself deserve far better than this but you sound like a caring Mum so you definitely know that your son deserves better than this.

You have come on here. You have written this question because they is a little silenced voice inside of you screaming up at you that this is all wrong and you don’t deserve this. It is right you don’t. Please, please start to listen to it.

Please don't let this abuser back into your home. I'm your last update it sounds like you want him to come back, why? He will never change and you will spend years being unhappy. As a PP said, please think about the message you are conveying to your son regarding abusive relationships. Break the cycle.

Can anyone helpe with a benefit question please.

I work part time. I pay bills. Partner pays rent. Rent is £1400. It's more that my pay. Even with universal credit I can't afford to live here.
I'd have to move out. Currently there are no houses within a 10 mile radius.
All around 1k a month.
I can't rent anywhere alone without universal credit because I can't afford it. Also, I'd need the universal credit payments prior to renting as I'd need to show evidence I have enough income to pay the rent. There is also MASSIVE competition for every house.
So how do I do it??
I'm assuming if my partner moves out of our current house, I can start claiming universal credit and then in 3 months I'd have evidence of enough earnings to rent a smaller, cheaper place (if I can find one).
However...I can't afford this house, even without universal credit.
I'm completely stuck.

Oh and I am unhappy. I've been lied to, cheated on, called mental, he ruins every nice occasion, tells people Im nuts. I run around the house like an obedient little house wife (that he obviously wouldn't marry) and if I have an opinion about anything then I'm hard work, mentally ill, insecure and abusive. He tells me my job's pointless, he earns more so I should do as he says. He's grabbed and pushed me. Told me he wants to punch me in the face. Screamed in my face I'm a bitch and an f-ing t**t. Then the day after makes comments that I have anger issues.
He shouts at me and when I say stop, he says "see our son is upset at your shouting" despite it being him shouting, not me. He makes me think I'm mad.

Ring women's aid. They 2ill be able to advise or potentially point you in the direction of funding/ accommodation. You are not the only person that's been in this situation and got out

You can apply for universal credit and then the child care element which they will pay up to 80% of so no you don't need him for child care.
Could you put your name down on the council house list? I know there's a wait but it's times like this that you may need a helping hand and that's nothing to be ashamed of, social housing is usually for 2 years (in our area) and that gives you time to find your feet otherwise sometimes they extend the tenancy if your still in need depending on your circumstances.

Oh op l am so livid on your behalf what a vile piece of excrement he is, a sad nasty little example of a man.
You think you love him but it is not love once you are away you will see this.

Please make plans a shelter would be better than this..

The issue with childcare is.that my son is currently in a school Nursery, 9.20-3.00. I can't even do breakfast club as I have to take my other child to school in a different direction, during that time.
My clinic starts at 9.30.and it's a half hour drive. Plus weds I work 9am-7.30pm.
I'd be stuck for childcare from tomorrow.

I could try the council but if we split, I'm immediately homeless. Well, as soon as he stops paying rent.

He's still messaging saying that I need to apologise to him for the weekend.or he won't come back.
I'm being blackmailed into apologising. He didn't apologise for grabbing me, push me, shouting and swearing at me!

Call WA now. He is emotionally abusive and violent. Forget about the house. You need to get yourself and your son to safety.

Apply for universal credit straight away. Check that the Child Benefit is going into your account. Are you also factoring in Child Maintenance you would be due? If you are home you need to start collecting paperwork, bank statements, Birth certificates, passports etc

If you leave the property you could be seen as intentionally homeless although check with woman's aid if there's exceptions for abusive relationships or not but just don't go anywhere without proper advice.
He sounds absolutely vile op I hope you know you don't deserve this and it's him that has issues but you don't have to tolerate it.
He doesn't have any respect for you and probably won't for any of the next unfortunate woman.
Rest assured not all men are like this.

He is an abuser and abusing you and you son, of that there is absolutely no doubt!!

From what you have described of him he is a bully, violent (and yes pushing and shoving you counts as violent), gaslights you, emotionally abusive and god only knows what else because I’m sure there is so much more than just what you’ve typed.

I would not be apologising, I would be packing his things!!

You may think that you can’t do this, but you can!!

Contact Women’s Aid it’s your first step and they will help you with emotional support as well as practical and financial. You can do this!!

I know it’s scary but just imagine you and your son living somewhere calm and free of abuse and without all the emotional torment and stress you’re having to put up with at the moment. You both deserve so much better, and you can have better, just pick up the phone and take that first step!

This is the part-time doctor again isn't it??

He's actually doing you a favour by leaving you, as you were never going to leave him and your young sons were trapped in a toxic, abusive environment.

You absolutely HAVE to let him go. He is a cheating, gaslighting, abusive twat, but he also has you begging for crumbs of affection/attention from him at a terrible cost to your children's (particularly the eldest one who isn't biologically his) mental health. And, by your own admission, your own.

Move back to your family as you were advised on one of the dozens of threads you have posted about this "relationship". There has been so much advice and help and support offered to you on this site, you just need to drop the rope and take it.

If cheating on you with 6 different women, and pushing you in front of your child/verbally abusing his step son wasn't enough for you to leave him then the only way you were ever going to get your kids out is if he left.

Don't fight it. Fight for a future for your kids instead.