Emotional blackmail

[Everythingisonebigmess]

Partner, father of my son stayed the weekend at his empty parents house. He does this occasionally.
He's broken me mentally, gaslit me and I'm a mess.
Incident at the weekend and an incident happened. I called him selfish.
He's been messaging me last 2 days saying if I don't apologise and admit to being na emotional abuser, then he won't come back and I'll have to pay all rent and bills on my own (he knows I can't afford it).
He kept messaging me yesterday leading upto the time he would return, saying "if you don't apologise I'm not coming back"
Then an hour later "so are you apologising or I won't come home"
He basically sent a load of WhatsApp messages that I have read because he always insults me. I'm told I'm a bitch, mental, need therapy etc. It upsets me, so I don't read them. Also, he has no idea to engage in trying to resolve conflict. I can literally express something such as, I feel sad that we don't do more together bad he will respond saying I'm insecure, mental and it's unattractive and he will leave me.

Yesterday I replied saying that I didn't want to read the messages as they will cause upset and that texting back and forth gets us nowhere. As we are two adults, who live together with a child, I was more than happy to have an in person discussion over any concerns. So if he came back, we could do this but if he didn't want to come back, thats his choice.

This morning he's sent me a load more messages this morning.

1st - so you're not going to apologise. I'm moving out
2nd- you're an emotional bully (with a load of other shit thrown in)
3rd - I'm moving out permanently if you don't change
4th- I'll move out and you'll have to pay for all the rent and bills

So if I don't apologise to a man (who has destroyed me) that I'm an emotional bully, he's not coming home.
Good riddance you may say.
Except I can't go to work without childcare. I can't afford to live in this house. There are no houses to move to and nobody I can stay with.

Please contact women's aid and or citizens advice. Having someone who deals with the benefits system for a living look at things is much better than trying by yourself when you are stressed. He is a real piece of work and is using your fear of being able to afford to live and manage work and childcare without him against you. As other pp's have said you should also claim child maintenance.

Can you get any help or support from family or friends? I know not everyone has that available.

If you have his parents details then use them. Tell them why you were unable to drop their gc over and that their son could have collected etc.

If he doesn’t return and stops paint the rent you can claim UC if it doesn’t cover all the rent cost you can claim DHP Discretionary Housing Payment from your local Council to top up your UC. For childcare can you find a local childminder who can do school run for you?
You then put in a claim for Child Maintenance.
You can do this.

This!
Op do it today, things will get better you can't live like this. Forgot work for now this is a family emergency and you are strong enough to get through it.

You are trauma bonded. He's extremely abusive.

Please seek help from Women's Aid and leave this relationship.

Change the locks and put his stuff in bin bags for him to collect from outside. This is your chance to escape him. Seize it

Oh, is this the vile Dr guy? If so, even more reason to take him at his word. Honestly, OP, I hate to victim bash but seriously, when are you going to wake up and realise the "relationship" is a toxic mess and he'll never change. He's a psycho and you're dragging kids into this holy mess.

For your kids sake, please leave him. He won't change. It won't get better. Ever

It's obviously the doctor guy and to be honest it's getting a bit much that the OP name changes every couple of weeks to post "new" each time when the background gives much needed context.

He is a cheating, abusive prick. He abuses you, your shared child, and, most horribly, you young son from a previous relationship.

You may have a dearth of rental properties wherever you are (you mentioned wales before, I live in SE England and there is still stuff to rent If you compromise) so you DOWNSIZE

or move back in with your very supportive family/friends.

You do NOT:

Beg him for reassurance he won't cheat when he goes out to watch the football
Beg him to spend time together at a light show for photo opportunities
Beg him to stay with you

Seriously, I have been in and supported friends through abusive relationships, I'm not unsympathetic. But fucking wake up!!!

Or at least own the fact you are that desperate you will raise your sons in a toxic shitshow rather than be alone and struggle financially for a bit.

Stop namechanging and pretending you don't have options. You do. Fucking real life strong women have given you them, here, for the past two years.

Own the cognitive dissonance. And. Protect. Your. Fucking. Children.

He is the reason that you are unhappy. He is not the reason that you are feel stuck. He did not cause or create your financial situation.

Many posters have suggested reaching out to Women's Aid. Where and how did you live prior to meeting up with him? Have you ever been fully sells supporting? If you were able to support yourself in the past, with some assistance you should be able to do.so now.

Do not confuse love with dependency or familiarity. You say that you love this man, but you do not mention even one loveable characteristic that he possesses. You are financially dependent upon him and you have grown familiar with him, but that is not love. There is a certain feeling of security in the familiar but that is far from !ove.

If you were functioning as an independent adult and living in your own space, you would be able to see this unhealthy relationship for exactly what it is .

@midnighttrain2
Well said !

OP .. please read this over and over until it sinks in ... for the children's sake

I think she got pregnant pretty quickly upon meeting this handsome (50-something right, OP?) doctor, with a healthy bank balance and a nice 4 bedroom house and has adopted a sunk costs fallacy whereby you think you are owed some financial recompense for your pain.... ypu wanted to coax a proposal out of him last year, for fucks sake

That's fair enough, he's a dick who has cheated on you and if you were a childless woman go fill your boots. But you're not. And HE EMOTIONALLY ABUSES YOUR ELDEST SON. What the actual fuck will it take here?!

OP I've not read your other posts, but please leave. I understand the feeling of not being able to manage on your own. I spent 30 years with a similar sounding man I thought I couldn't leave for similar reasons. My children are now adults and say they would have rather I'd have left. I did finally leave, and I so wish I'd done it 15-20 years ago. My ex used to bombard me with texts just like that.

It often takes women up to 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner. MN is very quick to say LTB but slow to realise the genuine complexities involved in making that choice. If this woman is coming back again and again to check is abuse really abuse then there is at least a part of her that wants to get out and sort this out. It is that part that needs the continuous reassurance to grow and eventually overtake the part that is accepting of this behaviour because it believes that is all it deserves. There is no need to give her a hard time she clearly already doesn’t value herself properly, giving her a hard time only reinforces that.

He will need to pay child maintenance.

You will be entitled to UC.

Living in a hostel would be better than living with this cheating, abusive prick. He will never change. Why would he? You keep taking him back.

Honestly, there is no "hard time" being given here. Were she a woman genuinely posting under the same name, feeling hurt and distressed then fair enough, but to have other parallel threads about Botox and "keeping an older man interested" whilst this twat abuses her older son, then no, sorry, not the same thing at all.

I've been abused. I got out, after about three tries. I never ever asked an online forum for tips on how to marry my rich abuser so I would "be taken care of properly if we split/he died"

So many other, well-meaning posters will recognise this one. I'm not being a complete cow I promise! I think if the OP was completely comfortable with her part in this then she wouldn't change her name and pretend she hasn't asked before. Or ignore so SO many dozens of posters offers of help/links/housing/private/real life support.

Oooops thanks for the info. I see where you are going.

Honestly @Nicanabanana I'm not being a dickhead, but this poster is the most frustrating I've ever come across on here. I won't link any of the dozens and dozens of threads she has started, then ignored, but she is instantly recognisable.

I only hope @Everythingisonebigmess that the father of your eldest son goes for full custody to take him out of this horror show. At least you've got money to pamper yourself and go shopping with though, right??

You are taking the piss out of women actually trying to leave abusive relationships. I don't say that lightly, and it sounds horribly harsh, but if anyone is reading this recognises you I hope they will realise I'm not trying to upset you, but hoping something will shock you into protecting your two innocent sons.

They shouldn't have to pay for your terrible, vacuous choices.

@midnighttrain2 is spot on.

This poster is failing to protect her child, and I really hope that when he starts school or begins to tell people what is happening that social services get involved.

Contact CAB on how best to proceed with your housing situation.

I am assuming you have a standard AST agreement? Is it in joint names or his only?
If the former, you are both responsible for the entire rent, but do not vacate the property as you'd be making yourself intentionally homeless.
If the latter, he is responsible for the rent and can give notice to end the tenancy. Even so, I would not move out until evicted - at which point the council would have to house you.

I don't know whether you are legally able to change the locks...?
Please seek detailed advice from the CAB!

As others have said, apply for UC and child maintenance now. Don't wait - do it today as these payments are not backdated.

You may also want to seek advice about a restraining order as he is harassing you.

Wow. I wish I'd never started this thread. My partner is not a doctor. He's not rich (although earns more that me), he's not 50 (although is 10 years older) and I don't get Botox. Although wish I could afford it.
However thank you to the others with genuine support.

To those asking how I lived before. I got lucky. My ex husband gave me some money so I could pay 6.months rent in advance and was my guarantor. It's the only reason I got a property.

When moving in with my current partner, we obviously got somewhere bigger as it was no longer myself and son but us plus partner and then our new child that we knew we wanted. I knew if things went wrong I'd never be able to afford this property on my own but I assume many women are in the same situation.

My apologies then OP, it sounded very similar to another poster.

Please contact WA, they will give you advice on housing and what help is available to you along with the support you need to leave your abuser.

I'd reply and say "after getting some advice I've decided I don't want you to come back. If you do arrive uninvited I'll call the police due to altercation last week as I'm feelin scared and vulnerable. Do you think we could agree maintenance for xyz amicably or would you like me to apply for cms? I'm happy for you to have contact if you can demonstrate your violent and abusive behaviour will not impact the children and your parents properly is suitable for them. Let me know what sort of contact plan works for you and we can discuss as a starting point."

He's still messaging me. He says all I need to do is apologise.
When I don't he tried emotional blackmail (you'll need to pay all the bills on your own).

So I've told him that obviously I can't do that (he knows I couldn't afford it) and that the only feasible option is for me to move back to my home town (it's 2 hours away). He's been saying it'll never happen as my eldest child's dad won't allow it but I'm the main carer and if I can't afford or get a property here. I have no options.

I told him.that I'd already started looking into it today and he replied saying "I said we'll separate if you continue to abuse me verbally, get angry and are passive aggressive. You did then didn't apologise hence why I'm here awaiting said apology.
Obviously I don't want to be here I miss *little jimmy no end"

This man who attacked me..swears and shouts at me in front of our child and has called me names all day, wants me to apologise because I said he was selfish (he is the most selfish person I've ever met).

I've told him that I'd appreciate him not contacting me anymore today because the name calling is exhausting and that I'd like some space this evening to have some quiet time with my children.

Ok, if you say so. I probably sound terrible to anyone reading for the first time but you should know that your posting style and content is very distinctive, I'll bet I'm not the only one to recognise you (you've also been quite abrupt with previous posters so it's not as if you are hard done by here)

So you don't have an elder son by your ex? Your partner doesn't also have an older child he hardly sees, and when he does they play on x-box? He isn't a GP, and you a nurse (hence him saying he is "worth more"?)He isn't set to inherit the family home from his parents that you don't have a stake in? He didn't cheat on you whilst pregnant, then message women since offering petrol money for them to visit him?

I have all the sympathy in the world for an abused woman. I was one, my sister was, my friends were. I do not have time for someone spending hours and hours posting on here about how abusive her "partner" is whilst still begging him for reassurance he won't cheat (again) or how to get him to propose/get a mortgage/name you in his will.

Also, wouldn't mind at all if you posted under the same name to provide context, as many women on here do. It's the fact you try and mislead people trying to help you, me included, that grates.

Part of me wishes I had called the police after he grabbed and pushed me.
However I can't cope with being made to look like a liar. He never apologised for this and when I later brought it up, he first denied the swearimg and then said he only grabbed my wrists because I raised a fist to him.
He grabbed my arms, not wrists and I am I'm no way a violent person and would never raise a fist to him or threaten violence. However, he will blame it on me.

@midnighttrain2 I do actually work.for the NHS! I'm not a nurse though, which I'm thankful for because being a single mum and working shifts would be very difficult. My partner has no other children but I do have an older child, yes.