Emotional blackmail

[Everythingisonebigmess]

Partner, father of my son stayed the weekend at his empty parents house. He does this occasionally.
He's broken me mentally, gaslit me and I'm a mess.
Incident at the weekend and an incident happened. I called him selfish.
He's been messaging me last 2 days saying if I don't apologise and admit to being na emotional abuser, then he won't come back and I'll have to pay all rent and bills on my own (he knows I can't afford it).
He kept messaging me yesterday leading upto the time he would return, saying "if you don't apologise I'm not coming back"
Then an hour later "so are you apologising or I won't come home"
He basically sent a load of WhatsApp messages that I have read because he always insults me. I'm told I'm a bitch, mental, need therapy etc. It upsets me, so I don't read them. Also, he has no idea to engage in trying to resolve conflict. I can literally express something such as, I feel sad that we don't do more together bad he will respond saying I'm insecure, mental and it's unattractive and he will leave me.

Yesterday I replied saying that I didn't want to read the messages as they will cause upset and that texting back and forth gets us nowhere. As we are two adults, who live together with a child, I was more than happy to have an in person discussion over any concerns. So if he came back, we could do this but if he didn't want to come back, thats his choice.

This morning he's sent me a load more messages this morning.

1st - so you're not going to apologise. I'm moving out
2nd- you're an emotional bully (with a load of other shit thrown in)
3rd - I'm moving out permanently if you don't change
4th- I'll move out and you'll have to pay for all the rent and bills

So if I don't apologise to a man (who has destroyed me) that I'm an emotional bully, he's not coming home.
Good riddance you may say.
Except I can't go to work without childcare. I can't afford to live in this house. There are no houses to move to and nobody I can stay with.

Change whatever you details you want, it's ultimately up to you. You can post a thousand threads under different names all saying the same thing. It's your life, not mine.

Don't assume that because your head is in the sand that everyone else's is though. You are obviously the same poster!

People (me included) actually want to help you though. Why not accept that? Admit that he is the worst possible human being and commit to getting away from him.

All of this (and getting more worked up about poster's recognising you than the actual problem) is just avoiding the fact that IT IS A GOOD THING HE HAS LEFT YOU.

Go to a solicitor, explain him the situation, know your rights and what you're entitled to. Legally he cannot abandon his family. As much as he would love to fuck off it doesn't work that way. I would send him a message with something in the lines of :"I have an appointment with my solicitor tomorrow morning and I'll reply to your messages in the evening. Take care." Or even better, go to the solicitor and don't say anything to him, but wait to reply to those messages after speaking to a solicitor.

Information is power.

@Sandra1984 we aren't married. He can literally walk away and pay nothing except child maintenance. Which will be helpful but not enough.to house us.

have you actually been fed with this information by a solicitor? All posters opinions are a bit useless (mine included), what you need is proper legal advice, not mumsnet advice.

@ninjasnap I was having my suspicions as I read through the thread. OP Groundhog Day is coming up, but you, and all of us by proxy, are living it.

It's all pointless, you posting about this and constantly asserting you love this excuse for a person, and it's going one way only.

You're complicit in damaging your children. What will it take to make you wake up and smell the coffee?

It is the most disingenuous poster I have ever encountered on here, to be honest. Abused? Absolutely! Treated terribly? Of course!

But ultimately the mother of two young sons who didn't ask to be a part of this horrendously abusive environment.

She has options most abused women don't: supportive family/friends, a job, a responsible Co-parent for an ex, the ability to rent (even if it is just a 1/2 bedroom flat instead of your flash 4 bed)

STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND BEGGING THIS MAN TO LOVE YOU. HE DOESN'T.

He really, really doesn't. Your poor kids, really. Who is loving them as much as you love him??

This is heartbreaking. Speak to women’s aid. Please. You poor, poor thing.

He’s a total cunt.

Her poor, poor kids

How does he treat your older son OP?

She will ignore the thread now, apologise to the dickhead, then post again next week under a new name and a new specific "incident", everyone will tell her he's abusive, try and help her to leave, she will vent for a bit then disappear, especially if she's been dishonest (as she has here) about her posting history.

If ever there needed to be a real life intervention for two young boys trapped in a toxic environment by BOTH parents, this is it.

See you next week, OP, with a new self-pitying username, a strangely aggressive attitude to posters who recognise you, and absolutely no intention of leaving this man.

Own your part in this. It's your life, they're (both) your kids, you can change your circumstances. But you won't, will you??

@ninjasnap I can’t find previous threads, is there a link?

Oh she changes name every time. This will probably get deleted, but if MNHQ do look at this thread maybe they could reach out to the OP in real life and urge her to get help through SS or similar for her children?

Here's a particularly bad one:

Partner pushed me in front of our child www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4677652-partner-pushed-me-in-front-of-our-child

@Everythingisonebigmess
You are me 10 years ago.
I knew my husband shouldn't be speaking to me the way he did or controlling me, but he'd also convinced me that i would never afford to live without him.

Now the kids are older he treats them the same way, i'm not doing it any more.

But i also know 10 yrs ago i thought the same. You'll reach your limit hun. But think carefully about the impact on yourself and your child, i wish i hadn't waited.

He is emotionally abusing you

How to cope with partner going out once he's cheated www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4685854-how-to-cope-with-partner-going-out-once-hes-cheated

Yet a week later, begging him not to cheat.

Where is your pride, for your children if not for yourself?!

From one of your multiple, multiple previous threads. You have barely mentioned your children in all of this, they are an afterthought, yet this:

* I found messages to 6 different women from earlier in our relationship. 2 of which occured during my pregnancy (not the one that resulted in our child but the one that ended in miscarriage). He's tried telling me we weren't in a relationship at the time and his excuse is that he wasn't commited to me. Yet I was pregnant, he had told me from the start he was with me and only me. We never used condoms (I was on the pill) so presumably he didn't use condoms with them either. 1 of the women was someone he went on a date with, another he was dating whilst abroad (I saw he had been on POF/spain early in our relationship but when I questioned him he said he hadn't used it, I was anxious and insecure), the other woman he wanted her tilontuen up in no knickers and taste her vagina (whilst I was 3 months pregnant) another woman he was begging to unblock him because he really wanted to meet her (I was preg), the other women he was just chatting to. The sixth I don't know much about. Partner said that all these women were just past relationships he was slow in ending but none were past relationships. Although during a disagreement where I said how upset I was that he had cheated, he replied "how do you think my other gf felt" 😳 I questioned him as he said they were all causal and promised I was the only one he was properly seeing, then he backtracked and when I kept demanding answers he said I'm biploar.
^I also found him messaging na ex since our child has been born but he brushed it off.
Also, those messages were all text. I couldn't access his WhatsApp and it's WhatsApp he uses daily. Not text *^

You only respond to him when he slights your physical relationship, nothing about the emotional abuse to your eldest son, who is fucking scared of him?!

I've been in abusive relationships, I'm not a complete bitch, but what the fuck is wrong with you that you put up with this and bring your sons up in this toxic, misogynistic, shitshow?!!!

Change the locks straight away and do not let this loser back into your lives. He is abusing you . Contact WA and your local council and ask for advice . You will be just fine and will feel so much happier without this twat in your lives

But she lurrvves him. So she probably won't.

But she lurrvves him. So she probably won't.

He's already back in the house after she grovelled and begged and made him a special dinner then gave him sex as a thank you for returning.

She'll be back next week with a new thread, pretending none of this ever happened.

I hope someone helps her kids. She won't.

The children need removing from them.

How do you know that, though? Is it an educated guess, a mickey-take, or has she been back with the 99th User Name?

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron I have no idea, just an educated guess based on literally years of this poster's behaviour.

I would love nothing more than for @Everythingisonebigmess to come back and say she has left him, but I doubt that will ever happen.

Most we can hope for is he does force her hand and leaves her so she gets her boys out of this toxic, damaging environment.

OP - u are so strong.

Go back to ur home town if the cost will reduce. Do not let him back in your life. You are free and can relax and enjoy life. Speak to women aid and Citizens Advice.

Good luck and big hugs

Make quiet plans to leave. Apply for jobs closer to home where there will be help

There are solutions that don't involve cowtowing to the abusive dickhead.

He's still legally obligated to pay the rent whether or not he pisses off.

You can rent a room out to a female lodger.

You can file CMS so he'll have to pay for his child.

Delete and block him so you don't have to listen to his abuse.

Are both of your names on the tenancy or just his? As he is the main earner- he would be responsible for paying the rent surely? If you're classed as Joint tenants it may be a bit harder.

I just want to say that as much of a bully as he is, by begging you to 'apologise' over and over again instead of communicating properly like an adult, is shows that he is losing power and shows that he is a very weak man who lives off of control. Carry on ignoring him until he breaks.

Also, with abusers- they project their traits on to you to gaslight you and twist reality. Please don't listen to it, you know it's not true