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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hurt by ‘d’h comments

66 replies

Sunshinesometimes · 15/01/2023 14:12

I just need to know if I’m overreacting please.
my ‘d’h saw a doll online that was in a wheelchair and commented “why would someone want a doll that’s already broke”
I thought it was a shit comment to start with but even worse because I am disabled and have a wheelchair although I don’t need to use it often.
I was shocked at him and he just keeps going on that comedians do jokes like that all the time. I want to scream at him that he’s not a fucking comedian cos he’s always doing other ‘jokes’ that are equally as shit but I’ll just be accused of being a fun sponge but I really feel inside like he’s crossed a line somehow and I’m sick of it.
He is actually lovely most of the time but just seems to always be thinking he’s a comedian and I just want an actual adult husband who can have a normal conversation without stupid comments.
For example he is watching footie on Tv and every time there’s a minute silence before the game he doesn’t shut up with comments about it I’m like it’s respect for gods sake aargh

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunshinesometimes · 15/01/2023 14:49

Unfortunately I do remember that occasion but I guess I’ve minimised it over time.
Yes my relationship bar is low and I can see my comments are pretty much the same as last time but then comments like Limesodas make me think I shouldn’t overreact

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 15/01/2023 14:51

But what Limesodas would be ok with in a relationship has nothing to do with what you are ok with. Why would they correlate? Why would a stranger's opinion of what they like/don't like inform your opinion of what you like/don't like?

inininsomnia · 15/01/2023 14:52

Oh lass, of course you weren't overreacting. His comments suggested that someone with a disability isn't worth bothering with. What a shitty thing to say... I'm staggered that some people on this thread find it funny.

Brefugee · 15/01/2023 14:53

he sounds like a berk.
So why not do what lots of people do when other people make "jokes". Say "oh sorry, that one went right over my head can you explain it" and keep going on like that, that you don't understand, can they explain the joke etc.

diddl · 15/01/2023 14:55

So he's a bully/abuser who says that it's ok as it's "bantz"?

butterfliedtwo · 15/01/2023 14:55

Oh, god. That's fucking awful. I'm in a wheelchair. If I was in a relationship with someone saying this, it would be over instantly. I've thrown men to the curb for disgusting comments before, horrible shit comments.

You need to see him for what he really is and really thinks of you and then think higher of yourself than to accept it.

jojojanner · 15/01/2023 14:55

I thought the days of laughing at disability etc was long gone.
Did you? You obviously don't live with one.

Opaljewel · 15/01/2023 14:55

Yes I have ADHD and I would never insult someone's disability. I am horrified at his comments. You do know ADHD also comes under the disability act. I'm tired of people saying someone is neurodiverse when someone is just acting like an arsehole and abusive. Just makes the stigma of being neurodiverse harder to bear.

Op your husband is just an arsehole and it's up to you whether you put with him any longer. Do you want this to be your life for the rest of your life or do you wish to live in peace and not wait for the next awful comment. He can help it, he just doesn't want to.

BunchHarman · 15/01/2023 14:57

The only ‘comedian’ that would make a joke like that would be Jim-the-sexist-racist-cunt-Davidson. Who has fortunately retreated from the public eye.

butterfliedtwo · 15/01/2023 14:57

jojojanner · 15/01/2023 14:55

I thought the days of laughing at disability etc was long gone.
Did you? You obviously don't live with one.

Exactly. Laughing at disability never went anywhere.

Carlycat · 15/01/2023 14:58

Vile comment. Id bin him

Carlycat · 15/01/2023 15:05

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FictionalCharacter · 15/01/2023 15:25

He’s absolutely horrible and you’re not overreacting. But you’ve decided to stay with him, so there doesn’t seem to be any way forward.

Original poster
Sunshinesometimes · 15/01/2023 15:50

I guess I’ve never seen a relationship that is any different so it seems kind of normal and that I’d be the one at fault for breaking things up

OP posts:
Maryrose80 · 15/01/2023 15:58

Sending hugs OP. That's very offensive your not over reacting

ManyNameChanges · 15/01/2023 16:03

@Sunshinesometimes carry on seeing your counsellor.
it’s hard to navigate disability and even harder when you have a DH that minimize what you are going through or thinks it’s ok to make ableist ‘jokes’.

Whether he has ADHD or nit doesn’t matter btw. You have the right to be treated with respect and he is nit doing that.

Original poster
Sunshinesometimes · 15/01/2023 16:15

He’s just asked for a chat, apparently it was fine cos I’ve been ok with him today just quiet also I say I’m broken sometimes so it’s ok for him to joke about it.
I only say I’m broken when I’m having a really bad day and I say it in a gutted way meaning I need a rest or a little time off from doing everything and he knows that.

OP posts:
butterfliedtwo · 15/01/2023 16:39

You need to decide you deserve better. That's when your life will be better.

Nanny0gg · 15/01/2023 17:01

Sunshinesometimes · 15/01/2023 14:49

Unfortunately I do remember that occasion but I guess I’ve minimised it over time.
Yes my relationship bar is low and I can see my comments are pretty much the same as last time but then comments like Limesodas make me think I shouldn’t overreact

Why are you picking the one comment that agrees with your husband when most (including me) think he's vile?

Nanny0gg · 15/01/2023 17:02

BunchHarman · 15/01/2023 14:57

The only ‘comedian’ that would make a joke like that would be Jim-the-sexist-racist-cunt-Davidson. Who has fortunately retreated from the public eye.

Or Frankie Boyle.

Mollybeth · 15/01/2023 17:10

I’ve actually just watched a lovely video of a young girl in a wheelchair around 8 seeing a Barbie in a wheelchair for the first time and she was incredibly emotional and it was wonderful to see that type of inclusivity for the first time especially for children.

your husband is the lowest of the low, he is vile OP. @Sunshinesometimes

Original poster
Sunshinesometimes · 15/01/2023 17:26

Mollybeth · 15/01/2023 17:10

I’ve actually just watched a lovely video of a young girl in a wheelchair around 8 seeing a Barbie in a wheelchair for the first time and she was incredibly emotional and it was wonderful to see that type of inclusivity for the first time especially for children.

your husband is the lowest of the low, he is vile OP. @Sunshinesometimes

we actually got that doll as our dd wanted it and dh thought it was great that it was so inclusive.
he just then comes out with stuff that makes me think wtf

OP posts:
ManyNameChanges · 15/01/2023 18:00

He is still ignoring you and your feelings.

And finding reasons to say he is right rather than query his own behaviour @Sunshinesometimes .

I suspect he is doing that because it has worked well so far for him. But do you really want that?

HotWashCycle · 15/01/2023 18:01

OP Please find a way to feel more highly about yourself - then you will not tolerate such horrible things from a man. You deserve better than this. Have a final but thorough serious talk with him, and see how he reacts. If it is to deny, minimise or laugh about the issues, then you know your answer! Why are you still with him. No woman should put up with what he is like.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 15/01/2023 18:34

These ‘jokes’ aren’t really jokes. He’s telling you how he really feels about you but wrapping it up as a jokes, a turd wrapped in glittery paper is still a turd.

He threw a toy at your back, albeit a soft toy but it caused you pain, he wanted to throw something at you, he knew it would hurt you but he threw it anyway.