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Original poster

Would this bother you? New boyfriend

92 replies

2times2 · 15/01/2023 09:18

I’ve been with my boyfriend for around 9 months now. I have 2 kids under 4 that he hasn’t met yet and probably won’t for a while. They spend half the week with their dad.
I see my boyfriend most evenings that my kids aren’t with me, we have dinner and usually stay over. Back story is my boyfriend lives a 10 minute walk/ few minute drive from me.
my ex husband is away now for 10 nights so the children will be with me the whole time. My boyfriend said he “won’t see me for ages now”. I said why not? As sometimes he would pop in for an hour when the kids go to bed. He said he has plans to go to the gym during the week?
now I’m all for him doing his own thing but I would have expected to see him at least once over next week or so, we both work full time so the evening is the only opportunity.
its made me reflect on our relationship a bit, I definitely prioritise time with him during my free time but it’s made be consider if he does. Would this bother you?

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 15/01/2023 09:21

It sounds like that arrangement doesn't really work for him. I don't think it would for me in that situation.

Zonder · 15/01/2023 09:24

If he sometimes pops in when the kids are in bed it does seem odd he's not planning to for the next 10 days. Maybe his priority is sex and knows he won't get any with the kids upstairs?

harrassedmumto3 · 15/01/2023 09:24

It sounds like he doesn't like the change in the dynamic, ie not being able to enjoy a relaxed evening with you or stay over.
I do agree that he could pop in for a wee while, especially as he lives so close by.
Can I just say that I applaud you for not doing the introductions with your children too early. It's refreshing to see and you sound like a great mum. Would you consider doing the intros during this 10 days, or do you still feel it's too soon?

Mindymomo · 15/01/2023 09:24

I would be asking by now if he wants to meet your children, I would have thought after 6 months that would be about the right amount of time.

Original poster
2times2 · 15/01/2023 09:27

He does want to meet them of course but my own personal boundary is after a year at least, my children went through an awful time when my ex has an affair and left out of the blue so I’m trying to make sure things move slow for them

OP posts:
SomethingLessIdentifiable · 15/01/2023 09:27

we have dinner and usually stay over

Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like he pops in a few nights a week for a feed and sex, and now he knows that’s probably off the table for 10 days he doesn’t want to spend time with you.

supercali77 · 15/01/2023 09:29

Bit weird if he's popped by before now, I'd have thought once he's finished at the gym is about the time the kids would be in bed. Could be he just means...till he can see you 'properly' eg full evening/ stay over. Have you said directly 'you're welcome to pop in after you're finished at the gym'? I'm half wondering if there's some passive aggressive behaviour in it, but the only way to figure it out is to be direct.

Unicorn717 · 15/01/2023 09:29

Do you do days out/go places when you haven't got your kids? It sounds like he only wants to come round in the evenings to get something out of it.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 15/01/2023 09:29

Get a baby sitter one night.go and have dinner at his place. Come back when the babysitter goes home.

Original poster
2times2 · 15/01/2023 09:31

Yeah we do go out for days, go away together etc. it’s a very ‘normal’ relationship in that sense, he doesn’t just pop in for sex at all, we have a lovely time together. I’ve my head screwed on enough that way. But I was just surprised that because he thought the kids were with me for these days that he would just assume we wouldn’t see eachother?

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 15/01/2023 09:31

I would see what actually happens during that time.

Original poster
2times2 · 15/01/2023 09:32

I don’t have options for a baby sitter during this time and I guess him popping in for an hour after bedtime would be much easier than trying to source one

OP posts:
pictoosh · 15/01/2023 09:32

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 15/01/2023 09:27

we have dinner and usually stay over

Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like he pops in a few nights a week for a feed and sex, and now he knows that’s probably off the table for 10 days he doesn’t want to spend time with you.

I think he's let his cat out of the bag inadvertantly. If there's no sex on offer why bother? He sees no need to come over.

It's not great is it?

NowDoYouBelieveMe · 15/01/2023 09:33

Mindymomo · 15/01/2023 09:24

I would be asking by now if he wants to meet your children, I would have thought after 6 months that would be about the right amount of time.

The man who is too busy going to the gym for the next 10 days to pop round and see OP? When he lives a few minutes walk away?

I would wonder what triggered this sudden, complete busyness that suddenly occurred when he realised he wasn't getting his dinner or sex from OP for a short while.

OP does this guy show any other red flags?

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 15/01/2023 09:33

Sounds to me like he has no interest in kids, which is fine cos not everyone likes kids but is it a dealbreaker for you?

ZekeZeke · 15/01/2023 09:34

Do you ever stay over at his?

Original poster
2times2 · 15/01/2023 09:35

He definitely has interest in kids, he would like his own, not sure if I want anymore.
I do stay at his yeah we alternate. And he doesn’t get sex every night lol and he’s usually the one cooking me dinner

OP posts:
Original poster
2times2 · 15/01/2023 09:36

No he doesn’t typically show any red flags. He’s generally very lovely and kind and considerate.

OP posts:
Original poster
2times2 · 15/01/2023 09:37

It was him that said “aw I can’t believe we won’t see eachother now for over a week”. And I said why not?

OP posts:
SmileWithADimple · 15/01/2023 09:39

So when he said he has plans to go to the gym, didn't you say "every night?!" or similar?

Original poster
2times2 · 15/01/2023 09:40

he said “because you’ve the kids” and I said yeah but you could pop in after bedtime and he said “oh I’ve loads of plans this week, I’ve the gym most nights”

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 15/01/2023 09:43

I would tell him how you're feeling. See what he says.

Anon778833 · 15/01/2023 09:44

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 15/01/2023 09:33

Sounds to me like he has no interest in kids, which is fine cos not everyone likes kids but is it a dealbreaker for you?

How can he have no interest in the kids if he's never met them?

I think that 9 months is more than long enough, personally. This 12 month rule could make it harder for you to progress. He doesn't have to be around them all the time but it will be crucial to see how he interacts with them. IMHO

SmileWithADimple · 15/01/2023 09:45

This would bother me a bit, yes.

Original poster
2times2 · 15/01/2023 09:46

Anon778833 · 15/01/2023 09:44

How can he have no interest in the kids if he's never met them?

I think that 9 months is more than long enough, personally. This 12 month rule could make it harder for you to progress. He doesn't have to be around them all the time but it will be crucial to see how he interacts with them. IMHO

Show quote history

thanks but that’s just my own rule for my relationship. My children have seen many girlfriends come and go with their dad so it won’t be happening with me

OP posts: