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Original poster

Would this bother you? New boyfriend

92 replies

2times2 · 15/01/2023 09:18

I’ve been with my boyfriend for around 9 months now. I have 2 kids under 4 that he hasn’t met yet and probably won’t for a while. They spend half the week with their dad.
I see my boyfriend most evenings that my kids aren’t with me, we have dinner and usually stay over. Back story is my boyfriend lives a 10 minute walk/ few minute drive from me.
my ex husband is away now for 10 nights so the children will be with me the whole time. My boyfriend said he “won’t see me for ages now”. I said why not? As sometimes he would pop in for an hour when the kids go to bed. He said he has plans to go to the gym during the week?
now I’m all for him doing his own thing but I would have expected to see him at least once over next week or so, we both work full time so the evening is the only opportunity.
its made me reflect on our relationship a bit, I definitely prioritise time with him during my free time but it’s made be consider if he does. Would this bother you?

OP posts:
Anon778833 · 15/01/2023 09:47

That's your choice but I think it may cost you the relationship. Hopefully he will hang on.

pictoosh · 15/01/2023 09:48

Then perhaps he has made it an opportunity to do stuff he doesn't usually have the time to do?

It's a shot in the dark but I know that on the rare occasions I have only myself to consider I look forward to indulging myself with more running and reading in peace.

SpinningFloppa · 15/01/2023 09:48

Isn’t this interesting normally on a post where someone says they are waiting 6m or introduced after 6m there are people falling over themselves to tell the op that it was too soon now suddenly op is waiting too long 😑

Original poster
2times2 · 15/01/2023 09:49

SpinningFloppa · 15/01/2023 09:48

Isn’t this interesting normally on a post where someone says they are waiting 6m or introduced after 6m there are people falling over themselves to tell the op that it was too soon now suddenly op is waiting too long 😑

This!

OP posts:
rizzo999 · 15/01/2023 09:51

Could it just be that he has assumed, rightly or wrongly, that you will be less 'mentally' available / 'on-call' 24/7 whilst your ex is away and so has planned on filling his time so you don't have to worry about fitting him in too?

It sounds like he is usually considerate and accommodates your arrangements re DC the rest of the time so is this just an extension of that?

I don't think wanting sex and sulking because he won't get any applies here. If that's all someone is after there are far easier ways to get it than maintaining a 9 month relationship around their children and cooking them dinner.

Just make sure he knows that you would like to see him when the children are in bed but otherwise leave him be. If he is normally attentive, considerate and happy to fit around your availability I'm not sure he is doing anything different on this occasion.

Xrays · 15/01/2023 09:51

Have you told him you don’t want to introduce him to the kids yet? Maybe he feels that since you feel that way he won’t get to see you properly whilst they’re there for 10 days so he’s keeping himself busy?? Hard to read it all really.

Original poster
2times2 · 15/01/2023 09:53

Xrays · 15/01/2023 09:51

Have you told him you don’t want to introduce him to the kids yet? Maybe he feels that since you feel that way he won’t get to see you properly whilst they’re there for 10 days so he’s keeping himself busy?? Hard to read it all really.

Yes of course I’ve told him. He knows il wait at least a year. He does sometimes pop in when the children are in bed

OP posts:
Original poster
2times2 · 15/01/2023 09:53

rizzo999 · 15/01/2023 09:51

Could it just be that he has assumed, rightly or wrongly, that you will be less 'mentally' available / 'on-call' 24/7 whilst your ex is away and so has planned on filling his time so you don't have to worry about fitting him in too?

It sounds like he is usually considerate and accommodates your arrangements re DC the rest of the time so is this just an extension of that?

I don't think wanting sex and sulking because he won't get any applies here. If that's all someone is after there are far easier ways to get it than maintaining a 9 month relationship around their children and cooking them dinner.

Just make sure he knows that you would like to see him when the children are in bed but otherwise leave him be. If he is normally attentive, considerate and happy to fit around your availability I'm not sure he is doing anything different on this occasion.

Yes this could be it you know

OP posts:
Usergjdksndjsn · 15/01/2023 09:56

Sounds like he knows he won’t be having sex for 10 days so it’s not worth putting the effort in

if you were being really generous you could say he originally assumed because you have the kids and he was respecting your boundaries, and assuming you wouldn’t want him there

but that doesn’t make sense since he’s come over before when they’re there and you’ve made it clear he’s invited over now. 10 straight days at the gym seems like a lot for the average person and also something that could be quite flexible if he was interested in prioritising you. he can presumably do his gym time whenever or drop one day? But he doesn’t want to which is fair enough, but shows where you are in his priorities.

Paris14eme · 15/01/2023 09:56

Yes, it would bother me OP. Nothing to stop him popping in for a cuppa and a cuddle a couple of nights during the week once the children are asleep but I suspect he’s not going to bother because he’s not going to be fed and have full sex with you, so he’s thinking: what’s the point?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/01/2023 09:59

I’d say and I’m not making him wrong
he gets a nice set up with sex and company

and he’s happy with that and no more !!

us Single mums are da bomb for emotionally unavailable men

but it tends to turn to shit after a few months when we want more than they can provide

ittakes2 · 15/01/2023 09:59

It might be his clumsy way of wanting you to invite him over earlier in the evening to meet the kids. I don't see 9 months as a new boyfriend.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 15/01/2023 10:02

You see I don't agree at all with the MN mantra of keeping new relationships away from the kids for months on end.

The relationship that a couple have without children is very different to the one they have with children. And more different again when one of the couple is not the biological parent.

How on earth can you know if it's a relationship worth pursuing if you don't know how he will behave with them .. because no matter how wonderful he is with just you... if he is an arse with them - then surely it's all over ?

I would imagine he feels like he is being kept at arms length.

Personally I would crack on and introduce them and then make decisions.. rather than waste more time on something that may not go anywhere.

Biscuits1011 · 15/01/2023 10:06

It Would bother me yes… But that doesn’t matter, what matters is it bothers you. So, you should tell him, “hey, I kinda hoped you would pop over a couple evenings? Don’t wanna make a big deal of it but I’ve got the impression you’re not that fussed bout seeing me” and see what he has to say! You should be able to say that without him getting arsy. Ignore people that say oh it’s normal to do your own thing all week, no it’s not normal to not want to see your girlfriend or boyfriend as much as possible. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy time apart, but he should definitely want to see you! It may be that he assumed you didn’t want him over or something.. men are a bit clueless sometimes. Just talk to him.

winterpastasalad · 15/01/2023 10:08

He's letting you know that you are not his priority. Yes it would very much bother me. Why is he pretending to be sad that he won't see you for ten days then saying he's busy when you offer a solution? He's not willing to make time for you.

Ladybug14 · 15/01/2023 10:08

It seems blatantly obvious to me that because he knows he can't stay the night, he doesn't want to bother prioritising you when it's only for a couple of hours

Original poster
2times2 · 15/01/2023 10:12

Thanks everyone.
we don’t always stay the night at eachothers houses, Depending on what time either of us start work/shifts we sometimes just go home so seeing eachother for a few hours isn’t unusual. He does usually cook and does generally make the effort to see me or plan things.
he understands about my children and isn’t pushing me on that

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 15/01/2023 10:14

2times2 · 15/01/2023 10:12

Thanks everyone.
we don’t always stay the night at eachothers houses, Depending on what time either of us start work/shifts we sometimes just go home so seeing eachother for a few hours isn’t unusual. He does usually cook and does generally make the effort to see me or plan things.
he understands about my children and isn’t pushing me on that

Then it's even MORE odd that he doesn't intend to see you for the next 10 days.

Eatentoomanyroses · 15/01/2023 10:17

This isn’t dating or any form of romance. It’s just him popping round and getting his end away and/ or a bit of food. Low effort. Easy for him. I wouldn’t let dh just pop around before we got married even though it would have been easier as I was a single mum and had to get a sitter. We went out and did something nice every week. If the man can go ten days unnecessarily without seeing you he’s not in love. Waste of time.

Hellopello · 15/01/2023 10:18

Maybe he cares about you very much but wants some thing different than this relationship long term? It sounds as though he understands about the children and he’s not pushing you on that as he’s not necessarily prioritising this relationship long term ?

Original poster
2times2 · 15/01/2023 10:20

Eatentoomanyroses · 15/01/2023 10:17

This isn’t dating or any form of romance. It’s just him popping round and getting his end away and/ or a bit of food. Low effort. Easy for him. I wouldn’t let dh just pop around before we got married even though it would have been easier as I was a single mum and had to get a sitter. We went out and did something nice every week. If the man can go ten days unnecessarily without seeing you he’s not in love. Waste of time.

We do go out a lot and do nice dates every week, I’ve said that we do. He also cooks most of the time for me at his house, I don’t generally cook

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 15/01/2023 10:20

I’d speak to him, say you’re a bit upset he didn’t think that he could pop in when kids are in bed, and has made plans. It wouldn’t bother me too much though

Whataretheodds · 15/01/2023 10:24

After the first half of my post i was goig to suggest you need to make sure you have time without the kids that doesn't involve him - see friends, do a sociable hobby, or a solitary one, but do something for you.

ExtraOnions · 15/01/2023 10:31

Maybe he doesn’t like the sneaking about ? You can come over after the kids are in bed (whoever that is knowing what kids can be like at bedtime), don’t make too much noise as not to wait them up, can’t stay over, and what happens if one of the kids wake up ? Maybe it’s just easier for him not to go over when the kids are there, until you are ready to introduce them.
TBH, I wouldn’t like the sneaking about, like some kind of shameful secret.

Eatentoomanyroses · 15/01/2023 10:31

@2times2 hmm doesn’t change the bottom line. He’s quite happy not to make plans with you for the next ten days. Not a man in love. I always think it’s quite useful when men inadvertently show you how they really feel. Gives you a great opportunity to bow out gracefully. The problems come when women bury their heads in the sand and end up wasting years of their lives.