Would this bother you? New boyfriend

[2times2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for around 9 months now. I have 2 kids under 4 that he hasn’t met yet and probably won’t for a while. They spend half the week with their dad.
I see my boyfriend most evenings that my kids aren’t with me, we have dinner and usually stay over. Back story is my boyfriend lives a 10 minute walk/ few minute drive from me.
my ex husband is away now for 10 nights so the children will be with me the whole time. My boyfriend said he “won’t see me for ages now”. I said why not? As sometimes he would pop in for an hour when the kids go to bed. He said he has plans to go to the gym during the week?
now I’m all for him doing his own thing but I would have expected to see him at least once over next week or so, we both work full time so the evening is the only opportunity.
its made me reflect on our relationship a bit, I definitely prioritise time with him during my free time but it’s made be consider if he does. Would this bother you?

Doesn't sound that red flaggy to me. Maybe he is just a bit miffed that he won't see you for a bit and has gone all "fine, I'm washing my hair"... Not very grown up but we all have our moments! If he is otherwise kind (much underrated quality) then I'd not sling him out on his ear for this.

If you have two children and he has none, you are in completely different situations. Maybe it’s at times like this where it will be highlighted and present a problem. You have been managing to spend a lot of time together and now you can’t. It’s reality.

Well it completely depends doesn't it?

I think the number of months is less important than whether, in your heart you think that this relationship has real mileage or not.

Of course nobody should advocate an endless stream of potential partners meeting little children - that's not fair on the children.

I think this is exactly why its a bad idea to introduce a boyfriend to your children until at least a year.

The OP has, very wisely, decided against an earlier introduction despite the fact that the relationship seemed a good one.

Now something has come up that makes her question whether this is a good bet for the long term.

Because she hasn't introduced this man to her children, there is no pressure on her, she can asses and change things and or end the relationship if she wants with no detriment to her children.

OP, you are awesome! Well done x

Not what I’ve seen on here, women are told 6m is too soon and anything less than a year is unacceptable and maybe they should just never introduce a man to their kids ever, don’t act like that doesn’t get said on here.

don’t act like that doesn’t get said on here.

Don't act like I've read every thread about such things on MN 🤣

I would possibly be looking at this as an opportunity to see how he reacts around the DC. As a single mum how your partner is with your DC is a deal breaker and you also don't have the time and energy to invest in someone they don't gel with.

I have had ex-partners come over for a coffee, or to help with a job or something relatively early in a relationship, just to drop in as a friend just to see the dynamic. This has sorted out whether it is something worth continuing with quite easily, with the DC being none the wiser.

I do see this as him not pressuring you to do that though, by allowing you to prioritise your DC and occupying himself, and is the opposite of the red flag others are seeing.

Some of these replies are a bit off.

You are the one who has changed things.
Obviously it’s not your fault but if it was a man saying he had his kids for 10 days and couldn’t see his gf then posters would be saying he’s not making enough effort.

You have done the right thing by not introducing him to your kids.

He may be using you for sex or he may just be an adult with his own life.
It’s only a few days and I don’t think someone should change their plans when it was the other one who changed the plans first.

My ex was upset that he couldn’t be introduced to my DD so soon, as he absolutely loved kids and he wanted to prove to me how good he was around her.
He also said he felt that I wasn’t as serious as he was about the relationship because of it.
He was never nasty about it but there were texts like the one your bf sent you about how gutted he is that he can’t see me.

So he could be hinting that he wants to be included more or that feels pushed out.

I would just take things slow and see how he is over the next few days.
If he does find time to pop round for an hour then don’t have sex with him to see if that’s the only reason he’s come.

I thought you said you didn't want him to meet your kids yet?

So its reasonable for him to assume he wont be coming over during these 10 days?

Its all very well him popping in with kids upstairs but if they were anything like mine, they can just "appear" downstairs and then what?

I think you need to talk to him, rtaher than asking MN.

I think it’s way too soon to introduce him to the DCs, especially as half the posters are saying he’s using you for sex.

It’s only been 6 months and your kids see their dad every week.
So it’s not like other single parents where they don’t have much of a choice.

There is no reason why they need to be introduced at such an early stage.

I really respect your one year boundary and it sounds as though you're managing it nicely. Also sounds like a good relationship. If he's the one saying he's too busy to call in for an hour after the gym, then he's the one saying you can't meet for a week. It's not about you having the kids solidly.

That said, I have to admit that if someone had been really clear on wanting me not to meet their kids for a year I would fully support that but possibly be a bit uncomfortable going regularly to the house with them there, in case one of them comes down and we unintentionally breach this agreement, as though it was my fault and I should have stayed away. Just one possibility. It doesn't sound as though he is only after sex if that's not all you do together.

Maybe you could give him a specific invitation for an evening and a time to come round to watch a film, have a late dinner, glass of wine, whatever, after the gym? Then he knows you are properly comfortable with him being there.

To me it sounds like he doesn’t want to be an annoyance when you have the children. Plus he maybe doesn’t want to feel like an afterthought, of maybe him being used for sex over the next 10 days.
I think it’s great you’re not introducing them too early. It sounds like you’re being responsible. I’d just chat tk him and say you’re still keen to see him this week and see what he says. He probably just assumed you didn’t want to see him this week and has since made plans.

I think this is exactly why its a bad idea to introduce a boyfriend to your children until at least a year.

The OP has, very wisely, decided against an earlier introduction despite the fact that the relationship seemed a good one.

Now something has come up that makes her question whether this is a good bet for the long term.

Because she hasn't introduced this man to her children, there is no pressure on her, she can asses and change things and or end the relationship if she wants with no detriment to her children.

OP, you are awesome! Well done x

Absolutely this!!!

You’re only just getting to know the ‘real’ him which is why people say to wait a while until you get to know the person properly.

I know some people who’ve introduced their kids after just a few weeks because the person they are with is so wonderful and lovely - of course they are because it’s only been a few weeks.
It would be weird if someone wasn’t wonderful in the first few weeks of dating.

Could it be a case of mixed messages? If you have been firm on no intros to DC etc and kept seeing him so separate up until now, is it possibly that knowing your ex is going to be away and you will have DC the whole time that he assumed that meant he was out of the equation in your life for that time hence made other plans

@2times2 without knowing you or your partner it's all speculation.

He could be respecting the boundaries that you've put in place... Or he could be using you for sex... Or he could be wanting the relationship to progress and was hoping that the 10 day trip would 'force' an introduction to your DC (and is disappointed it hasn't).

Surely if you've been seeing each other for 9 months you should be comfortable to share how you are feeling?

You offered a way to see each other and he declined with poor excuses, so yes, it would bother me. He's pretending to be bothered whilst demonstrating that he cannot be bothered.

This was my interpretation of it too I’m afraid.

You keep saying he cooks and that you go out but you said yourself “I see my boyfriend most evenings that my kids aren’t with me, we have dinner and usually stay over.”

Maybe he does cook, but as someone else commented above this is all pretty low effort for him. What you put in your OP reads that you just go to each other’s houses, have a meal and sleep together.

The fact that he seems disinterested because he’s not going to be able to stay the night jumps out at me.

I think it is as simple as he assumed as you had the kids, the usual habits applied, therefore he wouldn't see you until DC's dad is back and so made plans.

I think you just need to be clear and say 'actually, I would really like to see you during those 10 days, why don't you pop in at x time/day'.

FWIW, I think you are doing the right thing waiting at least 12m to introduce, it's awful DC being introduced to lots of GF/BFs when young and to see you in the flush of an early relationship is not needed.

After that amount of time together I'd be pissed off to be honest. This arrangement wouldn't work for me. You should be more integrated by now and if you're not careful you'll push him away. He should have met the kids and be more of a partner.

Sounds like he doesn't want to risk meeting them if they come down stairs, probably likely if they hear you talking to someone. I'd see how it goes during the time off, if he doesn't bother keeping up communication, it may be a sign his interest is fading.

If you don’t want him to meet your kids, even if he is introduced as just a friend/neighbour, then I don’t think it’s an issue that he would rather stay away for the 10 days. Before my DP met my kids, he would occasionally pop by after they were in bed but the dynamic is completely different when you have the possibility of a child walking in on you unexpectedly.

You mention that he’s come over before while the kids have been at yours but I’m guessing that this would have been more in the early heady days of the relationship and less so now that you have a more established routine. That has been my experience with DP. He has his kids 40% of the time, and now that the relationship is more settled, we tend to make the most of me-time when the other person has their kids.

It would be an issue if he had met them and you wanted him to be more involved in your family unit but that is clearly not the case right now.

I’m not

It would bother me that when you suggested he visit after the kids go to bed that he replied that he would be too busy with something as basic as going to the gym.

In your position I think I would ask outright if he was actually making excuses not to visit as the time he visits the gym could easily be altered and it's pretty unusual for someone to spend every evening at the gym while complaining they won't be able to see someone.

He should have met the kids before now? I have my own boundaries

Thank you, I agree with your point that he probably thinks the usual habits just apply.
i can’t believe how quick people jump to suing he’s only with me for sex and his dinner made and all other sorts of things. We have a very happy relationship