Argument with boyfriend

[sadcorbeau]

Hi all. Just had an argument with my boyfriend, and wanted to get some other perspectives. Will try not to drip feed, so for context:

1. We are not very young, so no excuse for the below immaturity.

1. We have been together 6 months, staying around each others' places probably 70% of the time, mainly at his as it's more convenient for work.

1. He is extremely tidy, I am not (although not a terrible slob). As an example, he expects the bed to be made the moment we get up and tries to wash up everything before eating. I do my bit (for example, most of the cooking). Usually this isn't a problem, results in a few semi-serious tuts at most.

1. I grew up in an abusive household with a domineering father, issues still ongoing and my mother is trapped with him. I have sought therapy for this, but acknowlege that I am a very sensitive person still and that may cloud my judgement. BF knows about this.

So: this morning, some cash fell out of a pocket as i was putting laundry away. BF said 'pick that up'. I replied jokingly that he could keep it as payment (doesn't matter, made sense in context). He repeated the request, but spoke to me - as I can best describe - in a tone similar to when you're trying to get a naughty dog to drop something: 'pick that up'.

I ignored him on principle and started drying my hair in another room. BF followed, and came right into my personal space to repeat the same thing in the same tone. Then - I accept that it wasn't correct of me - I said 'stop shouting at me'. He replied 'this isn't shouting'. That's exactly what my Dad used to say, so I lost it and started crying, saying I didn't appreciate being spoken to like that.

Anyway, this ended up with him saying that I was imagining things because of my background/lying because I used the word 'shout', that he was going to start recording himself in case I accused him of punching me next time. He was staring at me without any emotion as I was crying and asking him to stop being mean. I didn't feel physically threatened by him, and made no reference to feeling that way.

I've walked out to have a cry elsewhere as clearly nothing productive is going to be said at the moment, but would welcome thoughts on whether this is a red flag, if I'm the red flag for getting so upset, if we are both being completely ridiculous etc. etc. As I mentioned, don't want to bring IRL friends into this yet in case it blows over and I don't have family to talk to.

Thanks! Also apologies for any typos, am on my mobile.

Apologies as I understand that this isn’t the point of the thread, but could people please stop ‘diagnosing’ OCD for these behaviours. As a mental health professional it pains me to see this. OCD is largely about checking and rituals, with the individual having fear that they will be responsible for harm to themselves or others if they don’t comply. It causes them significant torment and can seriously impact upon the quality of their lives. It is not just about an individual having high standards of cleanliness and barking orders at others to maintain them. To suggest that OCD is like this and responsible for this man’s behaviour is very insulting to those who have this debilitating condition.

Apologies @Cackawhookie it was insensitive of me to label this as OCD. Thanks for chipping in.

Your boundaries are blurred because of past trauma. You'll easily doubt yourself before being able to judge the situation as it is - which is - he absolutely was out of line to dictate in that manner, and extremely manipulative for the aftermath.

I think I read he has trauma too? Two people with unhealed trauma, cannot be in a relationship. This is not all rainbows where 'oh we've both been through shit so we can support each other'. No. I've had trauma and my dh hadn't, and he's been my rock while I navigated. Other relationships I've seen where both parties had early trauma that hadn't been healed; just ended up creating toxic relationships and even marriages, all now separated and some with kids involved.

We all need a source of comfort, and it's easier to navigate trauma with a partner. Either both go back to basics of living apart, and going to therapy and keep dating, and set your boundaries of what and how you want to be treated, or part ways before you add to each others wounds.

Sorry no. Just no.

I am adamantly of the view that you should back right off this guy because my dad was also someone who was domineering and TIDY THAT UP, PUT THAT WAY, MY WORD IS LAW. I grew up in that environment and there was alcohol as well
My ex triggered the same kind of thing in me that you're describing. He knew it, he just didn't care AND he used it against me in arguments to basically absolve himself of any responsibility for the situation.

"Oh it's because you're mentally scarred from your father, well i'm not your father" - and yours has already started down this road.

Won't get any better, get out. He has no right to speak to you this way whatsoever and you are perfectly at liberty to decide who speaks to you in what way and what your standards are.

@sadcorbeau just came across your post and wondered how you're doing ?

Hi @itsmylife7 . Thanks for checking! This situation was never really resolved but BF hasn't behaved like this at all since and has stopped washing chicken in the sink, so while I'm keeping an eye on things, I'm OK for now. Weird reading back, though.

Glad to hear that OP