Argument with boyfriend

[sadcorbeau]

Hi all. Just had an argument with my boyfriend, and wanted to get some other perspectives. Will try not to drip feed, so for context:

1. We are not very young, so no excuse for the below immaturity.

1. We have been together 6 months, staying around each others' places probably 70% of the time, mainly at his as it's more convenient for work.

1. He is extremely tidy, I am not (although not a terrible slob). As an example, he expects the bed to be made the moment we get up and tries to wash up everything before eating. I do my bit (for example, most of the cooking). Usually this isn't a problem, results in a few semi-serious tuts at most.

1. I grew up in an abusive household with a domineering father, issues still ongoing and my mother is trapped with him. I have sought therapy for this, but acknowlege that I am a very sensitive person still and that may cloud my judgement. BF knows about this.

So: this morning, some cash fell out of a pocket as i was putting laundry away. BF said 'pick that up'. I replied jokingly that he could keep it as payment (doesn't matter, made sense in context). He repeated the request, but spoke to me - as I can best describe - in a tone similar to when you're trying to get a naughty dog to drop something: 'pick that up'.

I ignored him on principle and started drying my hair in another room. BF followed, and came right into my personal space to repeat the same thing in the same tone. Then - I accept that it wasn't correct of me - I said 'stop shouting at me'. He replied 'this isn't shouting'. That's exactly what my Dad used to say, so I lost it and started crying, saying I didn't appreciate being spoken to like that.

Anyway, this ended up with him saying that I was imagining things because of my background/lying because I used the word 'shout', that he was going to start recording himself in case I accused him of punching me next time. He was staring at me without any emotion as I was crying and asking him to stop being mean. I didn't feel physically threatened by him, and made no reference to feeling that way.

I've walked out to have a cry elsewhere as clearly nothing productive is going to be said at the moment, but would welcome thoughts on whether this is a red flag, if I'm the red flag for getting so upset, if we are both being completely ridiculous etc. etc. As I mentioned, don't want to bring IRL friends into this yet in case it blows over and I don't have family to talk to.

Thanks! Also apologies for any typos, am on my mobile.

Tidiness is about control. So is abuse. In fact one of the abusive men I knew in RL life was exactly like this. Everything had to be his way, everything controlled. Used it as an excuse. I do actually think he had OCD. But it was part of his abuse of my friend.

Hes as angry mean controlling man just like your father.

They can only keep up the nice act for so long.
Your pushing back revealed his true colors.

I wouldn't get into any conversations with him while getting your things.

You and him view discussions in different ways.
You are wanting to communicate, get understanding, and resolution.
He sees it as a challenge and a way to get information from you to use it against you and get you back in line. He'll have three modes. Be nice, feel sorry for him, and anger if those don't work.

Oh god. Yes. Mine said oh I'm a bit ocd
Actually I was permanently on edge about making the coffee right, wiping down the shower properly. It was a total control thing.

Sorry op. Your post triggered me a bit as it totally reminds me of my ex who it turns out was a very dangerous man. If I didn't know better I'd say it was the same man!

Take care

Sorry for triggering 😔

Thinking back... some of the stuff I've gone along with is very odd. He gets really funny about any debris while cooking (I do clean up), anything even a crumb going down the sink. It's made me feel stressed while cooking for him, that he'll come in and start fussing over a few strands of cheese on the worksurface etc.

Your not matched.... the cleaning is a big deal. I think you should find someone similar to you or is happy to tolerate your level of cleaning.

This is will not work out.

The thing is, I wouldn't mind if it was discussed more kindly and made more sense. As an example, bathrooms are very cluttered and he washes raw chicken right next to freshly washed up cutlery. When I point such things out he ignores me. It does feel like control - his flat, his rules.

I completely understand you OP, having been in similar shoes.

I would honestly leave, and I'm not a LTB type. You need someone more understanding who won't trigger you.

That aside, any grown adult who feels fit to "tell someone off" tidy or not tidy, has their own issues.

Could you find anywhere in the Ops post or subsequent posts which shows an unacceptable level of cleaning?

Dropping a pound note? not cleagning up immediately?

Cleaning is a big deal to him but who made him God?

The OP is clearly expressing that his behaviour triggers her trauma and your post suggesting that t's her fault and that she should be "tolerated" is somewhat concerning.

I would say this is a red flag OP. A normal person would say 'Op, a fiver has fallen out the pocket' and you'd then say 'oh yeah' and pick it up.

But he just seems to have leapt straight into commanding you to pick it up and when you didn't, he's annoyed and has to make you do it? Why?** Sounds massively over the top. Had this happened before?

We've had a couple of similar interactions but this is the worst. I am stubborn, and say no when I don't want to do something/don't see the need. I've cooked him a nice dinner a few times and eaten alone while he sighs and cleans the kitchen (not a disaster zone, I do what I can while I cook).

Apart from the fact that this isn't about cleaning, it really isn't, people who clean up before they eat lack joy.

And I need joy in my life. Do you?

I really appreciate the defence, but I didn't take those comments too personally. It is not necessarily untrue!

But I really care for BF and would have tried if he'd put things differently.

Yes I do, and eating cold pasta is not joyful.

I think at my age (older than 30, younger than 40), childless, I'm putting up with stuff I wouldn't have before. Realistically, anal cleaner isn't the worst I could do. I'm so tired of dating.

I think you sound like a really good person OP and ultimately it is your choice. The reason i defended you is becaus I don't want you to think for even a second that you are the issue here.

Should also add that I'm not mentally 100%, and having a stableish relationship has helped me a lot. So dumping is scary and I'm not sure I'll be a stunning a courageous single woman.

I really appreciate it and you made me feel better.

OP look at it this way: don’t waste any more time on him.

He barked an order at you and was astonished and outraged you didn’t immediately obey him.

That alone is reason to run far, far away.

And there more, and it will get worse.

You can do it.

Thank you. I think my mum would say similar if she were able to.

Barking an order at your partner, then following her to do it again, is a definite red flag. His OCD means that his expectations for tidiness in a partner are unrealistic, and the fact that he sees the mismatch as all your fault is also very telling.
If someone suggested to me that I might be going to lie about being assaulted, I would take that as a threat. Take a friend or your brother, go and get your stuff, and dump him. You are too young to lumber yourself with this control freak. Get some joy back in your life. Leave a sliver of cheese on your worktop and eat your pasta while it's hot.

OP - I'm assuming you're relatively young and I'm sorry if you're not

PP has it bang on. He barked orders at you and you were in trouble for not doing it. The "I'm going to record this, I'm not shouting" is gasllighting. He is abusive. He will hit you at some point, and make it all your fault. These are facts.

Being controlled may FEEL like help, and I can imagine he makes you feel grateful for loving you and putting up with you quite often. And I'm sure if you gave us more examples that didn't seem like abig deal, more would come out the woodwork.

No relationship can fix your stability. It can support you, help you to love yourself, but ultimately that's not what this man is doing. Men like him target vulnerable women.

Do not ever be scared to leave someone because you dont think you'd cope on your own. Being on your own and accessing support and help is FAR better than staying with this guy.

As you say your mum would say the same, I imagine your friends would (the fact you haven't told them in case it 'blows over' ) says it all.

Please leave this man OP or at least tell your friends.

I've just texted my IRL friends (who I cancelled on today, we were planning a lovely catch up) with details.

I think the referring to me as the type of person who'd falsely allege physical abuse has really thrown me. I just can't understand it. It makes me worry about how I come across, or if he's judged me because I take medicine to control my mood somewhat (it works) etc. All from refusing to pick up a coin.

Also my brother.

Did he accuse you of being the sort of person who would falsely allege violence? I missed that in your earlier posts if so. That is shocking.

OP this is not a healthy relationship, it will only become more and more damaging. I’m glad you’ve told your friends what’s going on. If I were you I would move all my stuff out today. It can’t continue.