Argument with boyfriend

[sadcorbeau]

Hi all. Just had an argument with my boyfriend, and wanted to get some other perspectives. Will try not to drip feed, so for context:

1. We are not very young, so no excuse for the below immaturity.

1. We have been together 6 months, staying around each others' places probably 70% of the time, mainly at his as it's more convenient for work.

1. He is extremely tidy, I am not (although not a terrible slob). As an example, he expects the bed to be made the moment we get up and tries to wash up everything before eating. I do my bit (for example, most of the cooking). Usually this isn't a problem, results in a few semi-serious tuts at most.

1. I grew up in an abusive household with a domineering father, issues still ongoing and my mother is trapped with him. I have sought therapy for this, but acknowlege that I am a very sensitive person still and that may cloud my judgement. BF knows about this.

So: this morning, some cash fell out of a pocket as i was putting laundry away. BF said 'pick that up'. I replied jokingly that he could keep it as payment (doesn't matter, made sense in context). He repeated the request, but spoke to me - as I can best describe - in a tone similar to when you're trying to get a naughty dog to drop something: 'pick that up'.

I ignored him on principle and started drying my hair in another room. BF followed, and came right into my personal space to repeat the same thing in the same tone. Then - I accept that it wasn't correct of me - I said 'stop shouting at me'. He replied 'this isn't shouting'. That's exactly what my Dad used to say, so I lost it and started crying, saying I didn't appreciate being spoken to like that.

Anyway, this ended up with him saying that I was imagining things because of my background/lying because I used the word 'shout', that he was going to start recording himself in case I accused him of punching me next time. He was staring at me without any emotion as I was crying and asking him to stop being mean. I didn't feel physically threatened by him, and made no reference to feeling that way.

I've walked out to have a cry elsewhere as clearly nothing productive is going to be said at the moment, but would welcome thoughts on whether this is a red flag, if I'm the red flag for getting so upset, if we are both being completely ridiculous etc. etc. As I mentioned, don't want to bring IRL friends into this yet in case it blows over and I don't have family to talk to.

Thanks! Also apologies for any typos, am on my mobile.

Get your stuff from him and block him. You do not owe this nasty man an explanation and avoid getting drawn into talking, justifying yourself. Does he have a key to yours?

@sadcorbeau I'm not sure what you said to him that provoked that reply, but he's surely just stopped you wanting to be with him At All hasn't he.

I take my brother or another big burly friend over with me to pick up my stuff. Then I wouldn't contact him ever again. I wouldn't block him. I'd just ignore any messages or calls, that's far more satisfying. IMO

I'm sorry it's turned out this way! It's sad when something you thought was good, turns out bad, but you will be ok!!

you've got your brother, and friends, & us lot 🌷

The accusing you of being the sort that alleges violence...you know what comes next? Actual violence and then him gaslighting you about it ('I never hit you', 'you're over reacting', 'you're making it up' ect).

He got into your personal space in a threatening way. People who do that ARE violent in nature. He's already telling you you are wrong not to be OK with his unacceptable behaviour. Its begun.

Definately run. Run fast and run far.

Mission achieved!

Meanwhile, back in the real world, if someone drops money in front of you while picking something up, so likely have their hands full, the normal response is to dive in and pick it up for them. Ordering them to pick it up is astoundingly rude, far worse than saying nothing, and is actually showing a proclivity for control. I'm not surprised you dug your heels in and didn't jump to his tune.
It's odd behaviour, best to chuck this one back as only been 6 months.

Makes me worry that he’s a man who would hit you and then deny it.

@sadcorbeau how are you?

Wow. That would be a definite goodbye from me.

Even if he genuinely felt his actions and words were justified, to not even be able to say "I'm sorry you got upset" - the weediest form of non-apology, but at least an acknowledgment of someone's emotions - is just screaming "I will hold you responsible for every single negative thing in this relationship, so buckle up buttercup!"

As a bloke, I can safely say he sounds like an arse, and some red flags there.

There is literally no need to speak to someone like that full stop imo, well over the top.

Won't make a jump to suggesting he is a gaslighting narcissist, but there is a clear lack of respect and an attempt to ensure he is the dominating one in the relationship.

I've read more. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. You really need to think about your future with him, as he will treat your kids the same. Maybe worse.

Please don't settle for this man
You'd be much happier on your own than in this relationship....

He’s a clean/tidy freak, i.e. he has mental issues.

He was very wrong to speak to you like that.

But you were wrong to accuse him of shouting when he wasn’t.

If I was you I wouldn’t stay at his anymore, and maybe that tells you if the relationship has a future.

How do you know he wasnt shouting?

How are you today OP?

He sounds like an ex of mine who used his OCD type behaviours in a very controlling way. Chilling.

Please bin this guy. This isn’t going to end well, he’s shown you his character.

I don’t like him OP. Nobody should be barking orders at you.

D*ump Him
*
If my husband had acted the way he had and upset me the way you were upset ( justifiably - I have a similar background to you) I would have walked out the house and not returned.

In general if my husband made me cry, he would feel terrible and try his hardest to make up for it and he would definitely apologise.

Do not waste any more time with this relationship. He is not worth it and you deserve so much more

Hope you’re ok @sadcorbeau

Thank you all so much for your kind advice. Sorry for not replying sooner, I was super emotional when I posted this thread and was a bit embarrassed to check back.

I haven't dumped him yet. He found me that evening, took me back to his place and apologised. I know it's not enough, trying to work out what to do for the best and is so helpful reading these messages. I was single for a long time and will be OK single again too - and plenty of decent men out there when I'm ready!

He is one nasty piece of work and I don't think you have any idea how awful he could be.

Get the hell away from him.

@atrocious and @findmybalance have nailed him.

You deserve so much better.

Don't be your mother, you deserve a happy relaxing future with a kind loving man.

Not a nasty controlling freak.

The lack of empathy issue is something that I'm really still thinking about.

I am guilty of wanting to 'get through' to him. I won't say what his background is exactly, as is outing, but he was basically left alone as a child to raise himself in a hard country. He never shows any emotion about that. I should stop expecting him to suddenly melt.

Men are NOT projects for women to take on and "fix" and "get through to".

Unfortunately some women believe they are,...............and waste years because their ego tells them they will be the one to change them.🙄

Such silly vanity that costs them dearly in time and energy and often worse.

He's awful.

You deserve better.

Stop wasting your time and move on.

You posted here for a reason when this happened. Your instincts were telling you something was off - although you doubted yourself. Everyone can have a second chance and maybe it was a one off...but trust your instincts, be careful, do not rush into anything like moving in together or kids. Just the OCD cleanliness/control you described would make most people walk....

Take this really slow - you are at the start of a relationship here, this should be the honeymoon period- ask yourself does it feel like that? People tend to settle into who they are in a longer relationship. If these hints of controlling behaviour appear in the early days they are likely to increase rather than disappear as time goes on.

I would bin him just for spraying chicken germs round the kitchen and refusing to stop

I mean, clearly your opinions, comfort and needs are always going to be ignored by him, so what sort of a relationship is this anyway?

Thank you again for the comments. @canfor your message really resonated. I'm going to try again, but I promise that I've taken everything on board. If he tried to fuck me off, we're done.