Argument with boyfriend

[sadcorbeau]

Hi all. Just had an argument with my boyfriend, and wanted to get some other perspectives. Will try not to drip feed, so for context:

1. We are not very young, so no excuse for the below immaturity.

1. We have been together 6 months, staying around each others' places probably 70% of the time, mainly at his as it's more convenient for work.

1. He is extremely tidy, I am not (although not a terrible slob). As an example, he expects the bed to be made the moment we get up and tries to wash up everything before eating. I do my bit (for example, most of the cooking). Usually this isn't a problem, results in a few semi-serious tuts at most.

1. I grew up in an abusive household with a domineering father, issues still ongoing and my mother is trapped with him. I have sought therapy for this, but acknowlege that I am a very sensitive person still and that may cloud my judgement. BF knows about this.

So: this morning, some cash fell out of a pocket as i was putting laundry away. BF said 'pick that up'. I replied jokingly that he could keep it as payment (doesn't matter, made sense in context). He repeated the request, but spoke to me - as I can best describe - in a tone similar to when you're trying to get a naughty dog to drop something: 'pick that up'.

I ignored him on principle and started drying my hair in another room. BF followed, and came right into my personal space to repeat the same thing in the same tone. Then - I accept that it wasn't correct of me - I said 'stop shouting at me'. He replied 'this isn't shouting'. That's exactly what my Dad used to say, so I lost it and started crying, saying I didn't appreciate being spoken to like that.

Anyway, this ended up with him saying that I was imagining things because of my background/lying because I used the word 'shout', that he was going to start recording himself in case I accused him of punching me next time. He was staring at me without any emotion as I was crying and asking him to stop being mean. I didn't feel physically threatened by him, and made no reference to feeling that way.

I've walked out to have a cry elsewhere as clearly nothing productive is going to be said at the moment, but would welcome thoughts on whether this is a red flag, if I'm the red flag for getting so upset, if we are both being completely ridiculous etc. etc. As I mentioned, don't want to bring IRL friends into this yet in case it blows over and I don't have family to talk to.

Thanks! Also apologies for any typos, am on my mobile.

I hope you get rl support from a trusted friend op. Ime get rid of him. My now dh made me cry once when he innocently took a step towards me (to hug me) and I flinched... He was distraught I was crying because I was expecting to be shouted at. He didn't for a second pass any blame to me (and my past). Imo he is threatening to film to you make you put up and shut u next time he orders you about.
There will be a next time I guarantee.
Also me and dh go through phases (chaotic life) of messy areas at home(own clean /dirty washing /pile of shoes) ...neither of us would be having a go at the other..

He's put it into yours (and no doubt others) heads' so he can use it when he does hit you.

Excellent. Well done you.

Please continue to talk to us and them (and dono tell him you have posted this).

Yes he did. It is so hurtful. Went from being super cuddly and loving to accusing me of being capable of doing something like that.

I’d think extremely careful about moving in / marrying someone like this. If it’s like this with you staying there then it will only get worse. Perhaps he’s got OCD, but doesn’t excuse being controlling or rude to someone you allegedly love.

You will and you won't be walking on eggshells.

@sadcorbeau would he have done the same thing to you if it had happened in your home instead of his?

Ugh, that is sickening OP. And to manipulate you like that (going from affectionate to highly critical) is toxic. A nasty tactic.

There is no doubt: you need to end this relationship.

Oh my love, he’s not a good or kind guy. Thank god you’ve found at now rather than end up in the same situation as your mother.

Oh god please don't apologise for being triggering! I'm just sad as I can recognise so much of what you say. I hope it helps that you can see it's not you. Others like you (me for a bloody start!) have been there.

I'm so glad you've told people in real life and your brother.

There's some very wise people on here who could put it better than me. But this is not a good man. You will be better off alone than broken. You can build yourself up but he will never change

Definitely not.

This. I grew up in an abusive household with a domineering physically abusive father. My ex husband hit me. He knows this.

My new boyfriend is loving and gentle and kind. Really kind. He knows meeting the kids is not an option until I say so and he asks after them but hasn’t ever mentioned meeting them except to say when I decide he will of course meeting them and Is looking forward to it but if it is a year or more that’s fine - I’m mum snf I decide.

After a long date and walk one day with us both commenting on our low opinion of the royal family, he sent me a forwarding WA message with William dubbed as saying ‘argh I could just lamp you one’ towards Harry with a picture of an ikea lamp - it was obviously a humour WA message.

for me it didn’t make me laugh due to my background. Lamping someone even in jest is not funny.

He immediately apologised and said it was insensitive of him and that he couldn’t apologise enough. He stopped immediately, reflected and apologised. We are 4 months in - but the minute he barked orders at me or told me I was too emotional and that I was damaged by my upbringing - he would be gone.

He couldn’t have children and I try and be sensitive because of this not on egg shells but just a bit of empathy.

He just replied to my text saying that he isn't sorry for anything.

You've only been together six months? I'd dump him right away. Him acting like this in an argument is not normal or good in any way, and this is meant to be your honeymoon period!

He escalated the situation when there was no need to. And used private things you'd told him against you. And he didn't care that you were upset.

No, no, no. 🚩 🚩🚩

Great post, @Watchkeys

Dont get into a text back and forward with him
Leave it on ice for now, and talk to your friends.

He ordered you to "pick that up" then followed you into another room to repeat the same three word command?

That's not normal.

That's not how people talk to people they like and respect.

He wouldn't talk to his boss like that would he? Or his mates?

@sadcorbeau

christ, I thought you were at least my age (54).

I rather suspect that you're not going to believe me, but I'll try anyway....

you're not as old as you're feeling! You need to stop thinking of yourself the way you do, or you'll WASTE years that could be brilliant!! Truly.

At your age you should be enjoying your freedom, your health, your ability to do pretty much whatever you fancy!!

Youve got so much ahead of you, you don't need to be with a man that barks at you 'pick that up'. I mean no one does, but especially at your age you don't need to settle.

current bf/DP (?! Jury is out) is quite loud & abrupt at times and it feels like shouting, but it's not compared to what him actually shouting sounds like (at others, not me. If he ever properly shouted at me I'd be off!). He's just loud. I wish there was a more accurate word as I don't like saying 'stop shouting' when he's not really. We've talked about it, but we've still got more work to do 😜

but even he wouldn't say 'pick that up' but then again he knows he'd just get told to fuck off!

I'd have just gone over, quietly packed my stuff & seen how it went.

But I think YOU deserve MUCH better than this. Someone who cares more about you, having fun, living life...than few strands of cheese on the worktop or a bit if cash falling on the floor.

Settling because you're fed up of dating is NOT a good idea! Detach from this bloke, don't see being single for a while as a bad thing! Focus on YOU and making yourself happy as a single person!!

in fact writing that down has really made me think, thank you,! I'm going to detach from BF/DP, instant downgrade to BF & a slow decline to ExBf I think! Very Definitely more focus on me, my life etc as currently it's all about his life, his needs, his convenience.

I agree with this. All the crying needs to stop FGS

6 months?
And he is demanding you "pick that up" whatever it was.

No enough.

Time to spend your time with/doing much more fun than laundry together.

He was staring at me without any emotion as I was crying and asking him to stop being mean

This jumped out at me. At around 6 months to a year I had a similar lack of emotion from Ex H. It was pre Internet so I had lack of knowledge and whilst it concerned me I couldn't understand the behaviour. Now, after many abusive years, I realise it was lack of empathy.

I didn't know "normal", successful, good looking people could have NO empathy. He had sufficient intelligence so knew to say phrases that were socially acceptable but felt nothing if the person who he was supposed to love needed genuine empathy.

His comments about you accusing him. Yes, had this and only after the relationship ended did I realise previous partners had accused him of controlling behaviour and possibly felt intimidated by him. He was getting his defence in first.

I know it's so challenging to have to start again but a bad relationship (and he has many red flags) is definitely worse than being single. Overtime the good times become less and within a few years you are with someone who removes all the joy from your life. It can seriously affect your health so a toxic relationship can literally be toxic to you.

Well that makes your decision easier. He behaved inappropriately and said things that raised red flags and he's not sorry about any of it.

When some one shows you who they are believe them. At least it's happened early into a relationship and you can get out without having lost years.

Your age isn't old. I met the love of my life in my 30's. I have friends who met theirs in their 40's (including going on to have kids).

Don't let the trauma of your past cause you to settle for second best. You are worthy of love from someone that loves you with all their heart and treats you as you deserve.

Lovely. Is there any reason you have chosen to post this to a victim of abuse?

@findmybalance I assumed that they felt the need to show everyone what a nasty twat they are!

'He went through some bad childhood trauma"
(Says every victim of every abuser, ever).

So did you. You aren't an intimidating controlling fuckwit though.

No excuses for his bs. Get away fast and keep away. Stay safe!