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Relationships

Dh texting someone at work. Do I say anything?

81 replies

Xstrong · 14/01/2023 08:05

Yes I looked at my dh phone. I was actually looking for something else and he's never been secretive with his phone.
There are not that many messages between them but there are kisses on both sides and hearts from her. What I did notice though was -
A few month's ago he was due to have an operation which was cancelled at the last minute. He text her before anyone else to let her know it had been cancelled.
Asking when they will be in work next.
Text her happy new year before anyone else.
When he finally had said operation a couple of weeks ago, there was a message from her saying 'you are in my thoughts xx' then he text her before me to say he was awake!
As I write it down I know it doesn't look good but I've never been in this situation before.
He worked alone self employed for most of our relationship so has only recently had 'work colleagues '.
I don't understand why he's even got her number!
I should also say that he is impotent due to heath and medication so I'm not worried about a sexual affair but this does make me feel a bit uneasy. Our marriage has been a bit rocky lately but we are working on it.
Do I confront him?
He gets quite defensive and will say she's just a friend but it feels like more than that to me.

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knobheadinlaws · 14/01/2023 08:06

Say nothing. Don't even tell him youve seen the messages. Just wait and watch

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Zanatdy · 14/01/2023 10:05

I’d also just monitor the situation for a while. I don’t see why he’s got her number until he’s managing her, or close friends.

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liveforsummer · 14/01/2023 10:09

Could be any number of reasons to have a work colleagues number so not strange in its self but indeed the message content is. Messaging her first about operations is surely already emotional affair territory? I wonder if she knows he's impotent although you can cheat physically without having intercourse anyway

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Bard6817 · 14/01/2023 10:16

The lack of protectiveness of his phone is a good sign.

The messages…. Maybe he’s found a friend, or someone to confide in. That’s not so great but not the end of the world.

Id wait and see. Give him a bit of space to either hang himself, or demonstrate he’s actually one of the good guys who can have a normal friendship with a female.

But for me, the lack of secrecy around his phone, is good sign.

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Pandapop101 · 14/01/2023 12:59

Do nothing and watch and wait I don’t feel is the right advice.
There is obviously issues in your marriage, whatever they might be that need working in otherwise he wouldn’t be seeking attention outside your marriage. I do not mean at all this is your fault. But by your own admission your marriage is rocky at the moment.
The fact that he is messaging her first is the most telling as this is the go to person for him at the moment.
You need a frank and honest conversation about your marriage and how this is making you feel as it is not productive and very hurtful. Then together you need to talk through the issues and why he feels he is seeking an emotional attachment to someone outside of the marriage. Couples counselling I feel would greatly benefit you.

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80s · 14/01/2023 13:12

I wouldn't confront him yet; it will alert him to the fact you're suspicious, and make him more careful in future, and he can still easily deny it as you know so little.

Some people hide what they are up to, others actively like risky behaviour, don't think their partner will notice, know it's deniable and don't want to look suspicious, or delete messages as they go along.

Are you certain that he is impotent now, and not claiming to be impotent because he's uncomfortable about sleeping with two people at once?

Perhaps try talking about his friends at work (e.g. suggesting they could come for drinks?), asking who he usually hangs out with there and see if he avoids mentioning her.

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Purplepeople12 · 14/01/2023 18:21

I'd agree that the openness with his phone is a positive, I think even if people are using secret apps or deleting as tbey go, they're still usually a bit more carfeul around their phone (unless they have a second phone). In your case though he mustn't have, or he'd be messaging on that

The fact he's messaging her first in important situations would make me uncomfortable. I'd watch and wait at this point too though as I don't feel it's too incriminating at present

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ShakespearesBlister · 14/01/2023 18:43

If he's not protective with his phone and not deleting this stuff then at the moment I would just be watching and keeping quiet about what you know for now.

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Riverlee · 14/01/2023 18:46

I agree, watch and wait, but don’t let it define your life at the moment.

possibly it’s straying into emotional affair territory.

maybe worth taken screenshots of the messages .

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5128gap · 14/01/2023 18:55

Its not my idea of acceptable for a partner to have another woman uppermost in his thoughts, regardless of whether he is capable of having sex with her.
He has put her ahead of you as his 'go to' person for important news and is communicating in a 'romantic' if not sexual way.
Its an emotional affair, and they can be as damaging as a physical affair. In your case, where there isn't even a physical relationship between you and him to differentiate it, even more so.
I would have to raise this with him. If he can't have sex, unless you're fine with that, you're compromising a great deal for him, and it appears he may be repaying your commitment very poorly.

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Coolheadedbird · 14/01/2023 21:01

Take screenshots. Keep. It’s 110 pc affair. He’s a shut yo be texting her out of operating theatre. He’s a shitty cheater.

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Coolheadedbird · 14/01/2023 21:03

I would ask him why did he think it was a good thing to text her HNY out of anyone else? And when he says that’s unintentional, Sat as unintentional as putting hearts and kisses? Or as unintentional as texting her before you out of operating theatre? With the kisses. Watch him squirm.

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NothingButSpace · 14/01/2023 21:05

No I would confront him before it grows into a full blown affair. Why would he text her first after an operation? That’s awful and says a lot about how he feels about her and very disrespectful to you sorry.

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determinedtomakethiswork · 14/01/2023 21:40

He is incredibly disrespectful and he is so arrogant he thinks you won't find the messages.

Get your ducks lined up, OP.

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LuluBlakey1 · 14/01/2023 21:42

I wouldn't ignore it.

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Greensleevevssnotnose · 14/01/2023 22:32

You don't just use penises for sex! The fact he is impotent is no barrier to a full sex life. Believe me

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DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/01/2023 22:33

Watch and wait for what exactly? They're not going to have sex. He is already texting her his important news before anyone else in the world. Its already completely inappropriate

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Xrays · 14/01/2023 22:35

Well I would screenshot everything for proof in the future incase I needed it (incase he tried to deny it all) and assume they’re having at least an emotional affair. Personally I’d have to say something. I couldn’t just let it go. He needs to lessen contact with her and make you his priority again.

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totallyoutnumbered · 14/01/2023 22:37

I wouldn't be waiting around personally. Cheating in my book is anything that would hurt my partner's feelings and he agree. Flirting, emotional closeness, it really doesn't have to be physical. I've learnt the hard way and there's no way I'd be watching to see how this develops. Only you know what you're prepared to accept in your marriage OP but for what it's worth, this would be a dealbreaker for me and the end of my marriage

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MsDogLady · 14/01/2023 23:39

Xstrong, it’s not surprising that your marriage has been rocky, as your H has been investing in an emotional affair with this OW.

They’ve built a dynamic of intimacy and reliance, hence his repeatedly alerting her first with news regarding his surgery. She is his priority.

I would address H’s faithless, disloyal behavior asap. He opened a window for OW and brought her into your marriage [see Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass]. He can claim platonic friendship til the cows come home, but their relationship has clearly deepened into a romance and is now his primary emotional connection.

Xstrong, I wouldn’t consider moving forward with him until he cuts contact with OW and makes great efforts to restore your trust.

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MsDogLady · 15/01/2023 00:12

Our marriage has been a bit rocky lately but we are working on it.

You are working on your marriage, but H is merely paying lip-service while actually damaging it. He is not truly committed or reciprocating your efforts because he is investing in infidelity with OW.

No matter how “defensive” and manipulative (anger, blame shifting, name calling, etc.) he becomes to make you back off when you confront him, be confident and stand your ground that he has crossed your boundaries and abused your trust. He needs a consequence, so send him away while you consider your options.

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ElonsMusky · 15/01/2023 00:17

Maybe there's something there maybe not. Seems flirty. I'd be mad....BUT you also broke faith by violating his privacy and snooping through his mobile. If you confront him, you have no right to get defensive when he gets mad at your snooping...but I'd say he sure does have some explaining to do.

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arcencielpoisson · 15/01/2023 00:18

This sounds remarkably like an emotional affair

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Xstrong · 15/01/2023 08:16

Hi thanks for all your replies , it's been a bit of a mixed response!
I've taken screenshots but not said anything to him.
He's off this week so I'm going to see if there are any messages between them in that time.
The messages are literally just at the times around the operations, Christmas and New year, nothing in between and only around 18 messages in total over 6 weeks.
I suppose I think if it was an emotional affair there would be a lot more messaging between them. Maybe I'm being naive.

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Coolheadedbird · 15/01/2023 08:17

It’s cheating but it does not have to be the end of your marriage. It just depends whether he wanted to pursue it further still or if he repents. In any case love and men are not ideal so you can leave him but the next thing you go to will be much of a muchness after 10 yrs. So you have to monitor and see if it repairable.

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