Dh texting someone at work. Do I say anything?

[Xstrong]

Yes I looked at my dh phone. I was actually looking for something else and he's never been secretive with his phone.
There are not that many messages between them but there are kisses on both sides and hearts from her. What I did notice though was -
A few month's ago he was due to have an operation which was cancelled at the last minute. He text her before anyone else to let her know it had been cancelled.
Asking when they will be in work next.
Text her happy new year before anyone else.
When he finally had said operation a couple of weeks ago, there was a message from her saying 'you are in my thoughts xx' then he text her before me to say he was awake!
As I write it down I know it doesn't look good but I've never been in this situation before.

He worked alone self employed for most of our relationship so has only recently had 'work colleagues '.
I don't understand why he's even got her number!

I should also say that he is impotent due to heath and medication so I'm not worried about a sexual affair but this does make me feel a bit uneasy. Our marriage has been a bit rocky lately but we are working on it.
Do I confront him?
He gets quite defensive and will say she's just a friend but it feels like more than that to me.

So you were with him when his op was cancelled which you missed out in your first post. Why wouldn't/can't he message someone from work in that case.

I wouldn't wait!

What are you waiting for? A full blown affair to happen?

Confront him now!

He texts her as soon as his awake after an op
She is the first thing on his mind…

They can still very much have a ‘sexual’ relationship

Its an emotional affair at best!

Xstrong, I did misunderstand that you were actually present to hear about the surgery postponement. However, his informing this woman before anyone else, even his grown children, speaks volumes about her favored status.

It’s the whole package:

Cancellation news
Immediate contact before you after surgery (regardless of her text notification)
Exchange of kisses and hearts
First person to receive his Happy New Year

I wonder how he would feel if you were channeling all this emotional energy into another man who was taking up so much space in your head. He may view this an innocent friendship, but it has developed into an inappropriate closeness.

There have been more messages. He's been off work this week so I was waiting to see if there were any more messages between them.

More from her asking how he is, she's missing him, wishes she wasn't at work, can't wait for him to get back.
She sent the last text when I was sat next to him. He said it was a friend from work, made a point of telling me she had a boyfriend.
He's gone for a 'lie down'. Has left his phone in the kitchen so not being secretive or texting her back.

I'm having a large glass of wine and putting together a list of questions!

We've had a talk. She's 26 and Ukrainian!
He swears blind they are just friends, he doesn't fancy her, it's more of a father/daughter thing as she has no family here. He's 55 ffs 🙄
She's easy to talk to, they have similar interests, she understands him etc etc.
But then started saying he can't talk to me, he's lonely, I don't make him feel special. I had to walk away at that point.

Wow the poor misunderstand man 🙄🙄

And of course it’s all your fault….

What an arse. I’m sorry op.

I don’t buy it, Xstrong. He absolutely fancies this OW.

If she were a ‘de facto daughter,’ you’d already be aware of this, as heretofore he would have been transparent in mentioning her, her situation, and his mentorship.

The gushing language he’s using sounds like infatuation and pedestal talk: She understands me; Easy to talk to; Similar interests. After praising her, he immediately began to criticize you. He’s creating distance between you with a false narrative to justify his infatuation with his shiny new crush who makes him ‘feel special.’

I still submit that this is EA territory. Both are investing much emotional energy and attention in each other, and are exchanging mutual validation. This will be obvious to their other colleagues.

Xstrong, he isn’t going to readily admit their inappropriate relationship, but you don’t have to tolerate this great disrespect. He’s checked out, negging your efforts, and investing elsewhere. You don’t have to stick around for more of his callous disregard.

Xstrong · Yesterday 20:55
We've had a talk. She's 26 and Ukrainian!

He swears blind they are just friends, he doesn't fancy her, it's more of a father/daughter thing as she has no family here. He's 55 ffs 🙄
She's easy to talk to, they have similar interests, she understands him etc etc.

But then started saying he can't talk to me, he's lonely, I don't make him feel special. I had to walk away at that point.

OP I went through a similar thing. My DH described his ‘friend’ at work in much the same way, although not as a ‘daughter’ (she was his own age), but as a ‘best friend who really understands me’. He also treated her in a similar
fashion to your DH after having an operation.

Next will come how he has felt unhappy with you for xx years, or how he feels you don’t like him (this will be news to you). If you want to stay with him he needs waking up. He needs to see the reality of life without you. He needs to realise what a massive mistake he has made. Until then he’ll just toddle on in his delusional state, blindly devastating you.

i’m sorry this has happened to you. I know how horrible it is.

@Highsmithfan sorry you have been through similar. Can I ask, what happened in the end?

I've not slept very well. He did apologise for upsetting me just before we went to bed.
He actually denied texting her first after his op. I had to show him on his phone. He said he didn't realise !

It's just the fact that there have been problems in our marriage which we have been working on. We were in counselling last summer. Now I find out that he's been discussing all of that with her.
The bigging her up then putting me down doesn't sit well either. I've been on mumsnet long enough to know 'the script' .

It's all such a mess and I don't know what to do.

Yes it’s very similar unfortunately. My DH was confiding in her about his troubled marriage (news to me) and she was doing the same. after some time of being ‘best friends and mutually supportive colleagues’, they decided they were were madly in love. They had a full on affair for over a year. He had even proposed marriage (she’s also married). I had no idea.

my advice for what it’s worth is not to make any hasty decisions. Just make it clear that he cannot have a relationship like this with another woman if he wants to stay with you. Texting, confiding, kisses at the end of emails, all that - all not OK.

frankly it’s weird to have a father daughter thing with a work colleague. Tell him that!

some months after the revelation of DH affair - and in the midst of couples counselling and attempted reconciliation - another of his female work colleagues asked him to go out to dinner with her because she was having a rough time and needed to tell someone. I actually had to tell him why this was not acceptable. ‘Can’t I have any female friends now?’ He said. ‘Not if you want me to stick around’ I said.

all the best to you. I have every sympathy because i really know what you are going through - and it’s the worst.

Oh dear, all of these just follow the same pattern, all. Man want wife family etc. then man remembers he’s not the adored focus. Man remembers to mess his life up by looking out for himself. Man gets discovered. Man denies. Man sees the wife’s got evidence. Man really sorry now and wants his normal life back. Wife pissed off and changes her role significantly by calling him out on his shit all the time. Man actually prefers this because it’s closer to being a child and wife now closer to being a parent.

The whole time he was just looking to be treated as a not fully grown adult and to have someone mummy him.

The same story all over.

That’s how they grow up.

Yeah I agree, they're probably just good friends. I go through bouts of this with work friends, both male and female

OP how happy are you with this man who no longer sexually satisfies you? I mean… here he is getting all emotional with women, the one thing you can share and well? He still has the libido to sprinkle about!

what about you? What about YOUR needs? Have you thought about yourself and what you want in a relationship and life?

she might be a good friend …. Unlikely as men keep women as good friends often because they fancy them. Sucks.

But what about you? Don’t you deserve more? Sending you my thoughts.

it's more of a father/daughter thing as she has no family here. He's 55 ffs 🙄

If you believe that, you’ll believe anything.

Why not have her number?
i have my ‘work colleagues’ (they’re friends) and some are the opposite sex!
only thing I’d be concerned regarding is him texting her first re surgery, but then sometime I text my best friend ( another work friend!) after I’ve come round from surgery/a test first because she’s text me! I just automatically reply to that first.

she might be a good friend …. Unlikely as men keep women as good friends often because they fancy them. Sucks.

what a load of absolute bollocks. My best friend is a man, I went to his wedding, I've known him 25 years. I'm friends with his wife too. And I'm damn sure he doesn't fancy me, I think after 25 years it would have come out at some point.

After a tricky week last week and our discussion on Friday, I had a busy weekend to get through so put it all to the back of my mind.

Yesterday it all hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was at work and suddenly thought 'is he with her now?'.
It has all made me feel so shit.
What keeps going round in my head is that after telling me how young, caring, interesting etc she is he then went on to say he was bored and I didn't make him feel special 😐
A little reassurance at that point would have gone a long way.

I just hate how I'm feeling now, how much I don't trust him.

I keep trying to tell myself I'm being silly but then the messages speak for themselves.

🌸

So he doesn't fancy her but he's explaining why it would be your fault if he did?
Sure.

Yes exactly. It's almost as if he's saying 'no I don't fancy her, but.....'

Maybe I'm just overthinking it

Sounds like you're doing a suitable amount of thinking to me.

I wouldn't be one bit happy about this - particularly the parts where he's telling her what you've spoken about in marriage counselling! That's... just no. That should be a safe space for you to discuss your feelings but now there's her spectre in the corner.

How are you fixed financially if he fucks off? I'd suggest that you do an assessment of what you have in terms of assets, pensions and all that, and get some legal advice. That way if the arse does fall out of your world down the line, you at least know where you stand.

Sorry OP, but it’s the very start of the script, even if it’s completely unconscious at this point.

Yep he’s definitely doing something.

As I said before, it does not mean the end of your marriage but make sure you are not being played for a fool.

At best he’s curious but it’s progressed for sure.