Dh texting someone at work. Do I say anything?

[Xstrong]

Yes I looked at my dh phone. I was actually looking for something else and he's never been secretive with his phone.
There are not that many messages between them but there are kisses on both sides and hearts from her. What I did notice though was -
A few month's ago he was due to have an operation which was cancelled at the last minute. He text her before anyone else to let her know it had been cancelled.
Asking when they will be in work next.
Text her happy new year before anyone else.
When he finally had said operation a couple of weeks ago, there was a message from her saying 'you are in my thoughts xx' then he text her before me to say he was awake!
As I write it down I know it doesn't look good but I've never been in this situation before.

He worked alone self employed for most of our relationship so has only recently had 'work colleagues '.
I don't understand why he's even got her number!

I should also say that he is impotent due to heath and medication so I'm not worried about a sexual affair but this does make me feel a bit uneasy. Our marriage has been a bit rocky lately but we are working on it.
Do I confront him?
He gets quite defensive and will say she's just a friend but it feels like more than that to me.

Physical and sexual affairs can take many forms, they don't all involve hard penises. Impotence doesn't mean he can't be having a sexual affair. You can get sexual pleasure and satisfaction in many ways.

But he chose now to revisit using viagra.....

It becomes an emotional affair once it is secret.

If you would not want your partner to read your messages, it is a EA.

He's having an emotional affair iny book.

It's significant he contacts her first about pretty much everything, personal things.

So you've stuck by him and stayed faithful in spite of the fact he can't have penetrative sex .... And this is the reward he gives you.

Ungrateful, disloyal fucker.

Or non fucker in his case.

I've been on the other side of this and the contacting them first about things including very personal things means essentially you've been replaced/superceded as his "person".

He knows what he's doing.

Highly inappropriate.

That must really hurt. But like a PP said, she's now his default person.

Time to move on with your head held high. You're worth more than this.

Op I'm sorry this is happening.

Are the grown up children his, from a previous marriage or yours ?
Yes, he's been incredibly disloyal and dispespectful, he had his chance to pull it back and he has not.

Now is the the time for you to put your efforts into yourself, he won't listen and has destroyed your marriage.
Separate yourself from him, get an STI test, I wouldn't trust him with the viagra, he's enjoying the pick me dance from you and acting like Billy big bollocks having 2 women, his ego has just exploded.
He's a bastard, an old foolish bastard, whose throwing his marriage away for someone half his age who probably wants a green card.

Time for him to grow up, do nothing more for him, no housekeeping for this disloyal shit, take your time back and use it only for your own future security.
I really don't see why you should postpone any divorce advice at the moment, he clearly didn't need your support the past 2 years whilst she was ill.

The one thing I would think about is if he inherits anything from her, make sure that money is not diverted into another's name.

His consequenses are waiting for him, you are the one to deliver them.

@Xstrong I did the same ! Please don't feel bad about it- it's called protecting yourself and knowing the score

I'll tell you a little of what it means to not be their go to person anymore. When I confronted my husband with his emotional affair. We were in the middle of splitting up our 24 year marriage. My ds came in from a night out and walked straight into the middle of it, we tried to hide it but he knew something was up and demanded to know what was happening. So there was husband sitting with his whole life exploding in front of him. A 24 year partnership demolishing, him in tears, his wife in tears and his son in tears. He went on his phone in the middle of this and messaged her what was happening. When I said why are you messaging her, he snapped "of course I'm telling her". She was the most important thing on his mind at that moment. I knew instantly it was over. I had been that person for 24 years and he had absolutely zero respect for that. What an absolute self centred prick. They had been messaging for 2 months, I have no idea when the whole thing flipped from me to her, but it did and I will never let that flip back. I have more self respect than that.

Good luck to her I say. She really has no idea what a prick she has taken on, it was all lines and lines love hearts as my DD and DS had both seen texts over his shoulder. It's like a teenage crush, in a 51 year old man it is not attractive. Gives me the ick about him if I'm honest.

@WonkyPicture what a dick . You are right about the crush thing. When I found the stuff my H had written 10 years before about his rather one sided 'crush' it was like he had reverted to being 17- we are still married but I'm afraid the ick really did kick in and these days whilst we still get on well - it's more like housemates. At61 though I can't really be that arsed to make my life considerably worse and not in a financial position for it to not be so

@Crikeyalmighty I'm 56 but husband is 51 and his OW is 36. It all just seems grubby, somehow.
I'm assuming my husband is now living with his OW. I have no idea where he is TBH, but he did say to the kids that he was going to move in with her as it was cheaper, I mean, even if he was downplaying it for the kids, that's a pretty nasty thing to say. Amongst other things he has said, very little of what was flattering.

So this woman has taken in a man 16 years older than her, with mental health problems, anxiety, depression and Erectile Dysfunction, who demolished a 24 year marriage with 3 kids right in front of her, has no money and is as of last week unemployed too, as he's been sacked from work for poor performance, and who also needs a hip replacement. What is she thinking having him move in, just how bloody desperate is she? Red flags popping all over the shop. I seriously doubt it'll last, but even if it does its not a great start is it, not when I think back to how husband and I started. When he was a wonderful, virile and healthy young man who loved with abandon and would shout from the rooftops how much he adored me. I'm glad I had that young man, she can have the resentful washed out has been he has become.

When they lose sight of the right way to behave, I think an objective reminder is much more powerful than personalising it. If you say to him that you've seen he's been messaging her and you're not happy about it - that makes it personal. Generally, all they will hear is you nagging.
If you present the facts objectively or maybe via a question - 'do you think it is disrespectful and could it potentially threaten the primary relationship if one spouse is secretly messaging a friend of the opposite sex', it should hopefully make them think about it more rationally.

Oh fuck thats actually hilarious.

Poor silly 36 yr old.

The phrase "I had the best of him, you're welcome to the rest of him" comes to mind.

Does she think he's going to get a big payout from 50% of your joint assets in a divorce, is that what she/they are banking on?

tbh I don't think they are. husband and I don't have a lot. We have the house and I can buy him out but only with my pension as security, so he can't take that or he'll leave his kids homeless, which I'd bet my bottom dollar he won't do. He has already said he will only want as much as I can get from the house for him, he'll trust me, I trust he'll stick to that. My husband likes to make out he's wealthy, no idea how anyone can believe that, he's never had a good job and is pretty low on the pay scale. Not much above minimum.

I think he's love bombed her tbh, if the hearts were anything to go by. His biggest thing is he's very handsome, he's always has been and he takes care of himself, he can also turn on the waterworks at the drop of a hat, people think he's sensitive (believe me, it gets old quick). It does feed into his mental health anxieties as people are drawn to him for his looks but then walk off disappointed as he's not too intelligent. He's always been able to talk to me though and has in fact said 'you're the only person I've ever been able to talk to' since he left. A total mind fuck tbh. I really have no idea where his thoughts are, well I do, his ED is probably holding off for now so he's thinking with his dick. When that goes no idea what'll happen, he'll have her feeling sorry for him. Poor sad cow.

He might’ve deleted individual text messages. You can see deleted messages for 40 days if you go to Messages, Edit, Show recently deleted.

Yes that's how I found some of the messages. He doesn't delete all of them, just random ones.

@HostaLuago I keep reading your post. I agree with every word!
We have 2 children each, my youngest lives with us.

@WonkyPicture I think some of these guys are actually generally unhappy people , nothing is ever really right and it doesn't take much to make them act in such stupid ways- it's sad I agree when you think back to how it was and the fact they no longer value you as they did and you are quite right- you have had the best of him . She must be nuts