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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Jealous partner advice please!!!

79 replies

Ksb2012 · 13/01/2023 23:32

What do I do about my jealous boyfriend? We have been together around 6 months after I had a very traumatic break up with my ex. I was honest about this from the start and the long term impact this has had on me (I am in therapy and trying to heal). He has asked me a few intimate questions to which I have answered honestly. I get quite upset as I find it triggering to discuss which I explained. He seemed understanding then was moody and brooding for days. I confronted him and he said that my answers were bothering him. Eventually we reached a stale mate where he couldn't understand why I had refused to do these things with him (trauma). It took him a few days and he came around, said he finally understood my perspective and no pressure etc.

Then earlier he found a ring light amongst my things, totally innocent, and immediately accused me of making porn with my ex (totally untrue). He said he didn't mean it to be an accusation or to upset me. I said he is insecure and being ridiculous but he just goes quiet and doesn't know what to say.

I have noticed he is very needy recently, needs a lot of reassurance, regularly asks me why I hate him. It is all just getting a bit much and it's making me feel as though I am doing something wrong or making him feel insecure.

I remind him that he has been engaged previously and has a young child, neither of which I have, that he ought to put into context how hypocritical he is being but he is just so insecure. I feel I can't win. Its silly things like me wanting to read, he interprets as me not wanting to talk to him. Or I buy new heels and ‘you never wear heels with me’. Just grating on me now and I don't know if I'm misinterpreting because he's always so apologetic and down after I correct him.

OP posts:
ForFuckSteak · 13/01/2023 23:34

The whole point of being in a relationship is to make your life happier. He won't do this - bin it.

ShandaLear · 13/01/2023 23:40

Run like the wind. Six months in should be amazing, fun, and full of (literally) love, life and laughter. He’s a twat. You deserve better.

littlebirdieblu · 13/01/2023 23:41

This man is not for you, he's insecure and sound's controlling. Please bin him off because if it's like this 6 months in, it will only get worse!

Original poster
Ksb2012 · 13/01/2023 23:46

This is what my gut instinct is telling me. Problem is I feel partially responsible for his insecurities because I have had and still am having such a hard time dealing with my past. Again I am always open and honest about my PTSD etc.

It's silly things like he wants to have sex all of the time, which I don't, mostly I suspect because of my trauma but also medication. But it's also because I feel like he wants it as reassurance and to make himself feel better. I told him he's making it seem like a competition.

I've been totally honest about how he's making me feel and he just says how sorry he is, goes quiet, tries to explain that's not his intention. He said he's not this person and doesn't know why he's so insecure all of a sudden etc and I don't think he is genuinely trying to upset me. I have told him the more he does this the more he pushes me away which in turn makes him more needy and feeling not good enough etc but I don't know if in himself, he can come back from this and move forward :(

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 13/01/2023 23:47

Fuck me that's enough grief for a lifetime you haven't even got to a one year anniversary.

Personally I would say "I can't think of summer with this shit every time I go out or wear a loose dress so thanks but no thanks I wish you well but as I bring out the insecure in you your future and more importantly mine is not with you"

6 months in my now nearly two decade H, loved everything I did, planned, everyone I introduced him to, every ticket I bought, every long lost weekend. He had a minor brood or two ignored him. Honestly I couldn't put up with that nonsense. The stronger sex? Yeah right. Boring. Move along.

It's the start of control OP if you decide to get sucked in.

QuizteamAguillera · 13/01/2023 23:50

Moody/brooding/goes quiet…..

red flags. Your instincts are right with this one. FFS you have PTSD from past trauma and he’s making it all about him,very selfish of him.

Tell him you can’t reassure him enough and you don’t have the energy for this whilst on your own journey. You can do so much better OP 💐

WandaWonder · 13/01/2023 23:51

Maybe spend some time alone and work on yourself and not jump into another relationship?

If you are having issues yourself how can you be happy with someone else till you sort those?

QueenSmartypants · 14/01/2023 00:14

Dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him

page1of4 · 14/01/2023 00:31

I'm 6 months into a relationship. We spend weekends cooking, going out for meals, having big chats about how we're falling in love, playing games we got off love honey, making plans for the future, going to events , having fun with friends. I'll not saying all this to make you feel shit but to help you see what you deserve. Not saying I've found mr perfect but I'm happy with where we are now and it seems a long way off what this guy is bringing to the table. Aim for what you deserve

Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2023 00:37

It is very, very alarming that you don't realise how abusive he is and how toxic this relationship is. You should have dumped him ages ago, yet here you are, still with him and entertaining his bullshit. He's horrible.

End it now, literally now, and stay single until you're able to make better choices.

LordSugarTits · 14/01/2023 00:55

Run.

ExtraOnions · 14/01/2023 01:02

Maybe you aren’t ready for a new relationship, carry on with your therapy, and work through your feelings. You’ll only be ready once you have done this.

Astaphorial · 14/01/2023 01:10

Your new partner is abusive too. He is using your vulnerability against you.

In future never share past abuse with a new partner. If there is ever something you don't want to do in a relationship (due to triggers), you don't have to èxplan why you don't want to
No means no. You don't need any other reason than 'I don't want to'.

Sharing past abuse early on indicates to potential abusers that you are vulnerable. Don't share about it with anyone you barely know. Wait at least a year ideally

To repeat- you are in another abusive relationship.

He Is not jealous/insecure - he is controlling.

Run.

Loachworks · 14/01/2023 01:18

Astaphorial · 14/01/2023 01:10

Your new partner is abusive too. He is using your vulnerability against you.

In future never share past abuse with a new partner. If there is ever something you don't want to do in a relationship (due to triggers), you don't have to èxplan why you don't want to
No means no. You don't need any other reason than 'I don't want to'.

Sharing past abuse early on indicates to potential abusers that you are vulnerable. Don't share about it with anyone you barely know. Wait at least a year ideally

To repeat- you are in another abusive relationship.

He Is not jealous/insecure - he is controlling.

Run.

This with bells on. Run.

Lucked · 14/01/2023 01:20

The only advise my mum ever gave me about men was never to get involved with a jealous or possessive man. Words to live by.

DramaAlpaca · 14/01/2023 01:28

No, no no. You don't need this jealous, controlling man in your life. Your instincts are telling you it's not right - believe them.

GoT1904 · 14/01/2023 02:21

Please don't let your trauma make you feel you deserve this, I have PTSD and know the way that can make us feel guilt and shame.. but you have nothing to feel guilty for. This guy needs to work on himself.

You're healing. He is going to disrupt that. Nobody is worth your peace. X

daemonologie · 14/01/2023 02:25

Does he smoke Cannabis? He sounds a bit paranoid and emotionally unstable.

miraveille · 14/01/2023 02:39

You leave him

Ragwort · 14/01/2023 04:14

You must leave him, the fact he is like this six months into a new relationship is shocking. He sounds utterly horrible and a sex pest.
Ditch him and work on your self esteem and avoid relationships for some time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/01/2023 04:40

What do I do about my jealous boyfriend?

Dump him. Then engage with your therapy properly without distracting yourself with a new rush.

Don't date again until you can recognise and avoid red flags.

Guavafish1 · 14/01/2023 04:41

It's not working

torquewench · 14/01/2023 05:02

He sounds dreadful. His insecurities are his problem, not yours. Run, and don't look back.

365names · 14/01/2023 05:09

ShandaLear · 13/01/2023 23:40

Run like the wind. Six months in should be amazing, fun, and full of (literally) love, life and laughter. He’s a twat. You deserve better.

This. He is abusive. Please just tell him that it’s not working for you and end it.

ForgetBarbie · 14/01/2023 05:20

WandaWonder · 13/01/2023 23:51

Maybe spend some time alone and work on yourself and not jump into another relationship?

If you are having issues yourself how can you be happy with someone else till you sort those?

I agree with this comment and the below one.

‘Maybe you aren’t ready for a new relationship, carry on with your therapy, and work through your feelings. You’ll only be ready once you have done this.’

The guy is obviously a piece of shit and I think it’s best to part ways. It’s only 6 months in and there’s already all of this drama. However, I do think that you should carry on with therapy and working on yourself otherwise things that trigger you may continue to trigger you within a new relationship. It sounds like you still need time to heal

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