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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Jealous partner advice please!!!

79 replies

Ksb2012 · 13/01/2023 23:32

What do I do about my jealous boyfriend? We have been together around 6 months after I had a very traumatic break up with my ex. I was honest about this from the start and the long term impact this has had on me (I am in therapy and trying to heal). He has asked me a few intimate questions to which I have answered honestly. I get quite upset as I find it triggering to discuss which I explained. He seemed understanding then was moody and brooding for days. I confronted him and he said that my answers were bothering him. Eventually we reached a stale mate where he couldn't understand why I had refused to do these things with him (trauma). It took him a few days and he came around, said he finally understood my perspective and no pressure etc.

Then earlier he found a ring light amongst my things, totally innocent, and immediately accused me of making porn with my ex (totally untrue). He said he didn't mean it to be an accusation or to upset me. I said he is insecure and being ridiculous but he just goes quiet and doesn't know what to say.

I have noticed he is very needy recently, needs a lot of reassurance, regularly asks me why I hate him. It is all just getting a bit much and it's making me feel as though I am doing something wrong or making him feel insecure.

I remind him that he has been engaged previously and has a young child, neither of which I have, that he ought to put into context how hypocritical he is being but he is just so insecure. I feel I can't win. Its silly things like me wanting to read, he interprets as me not wanting to talk to him. Or I buy new heels and ‘you never wear heels with me’. Just grating on me now and I don't know if I'm misinterpreting because he's always so apologetic and down after I correct him.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 14/01/2023 05:42

Agree this will only get worse. Imagine wanting to wear a dress or shorts in summer?? And if you move in / get married/ have kids the feeling of ownership and entitlement gets worse. Leave now before you are too committed. I've been in your place and wish I'd listened.

Justleaveitblankthen · 14/01/2023 05:47

Oh and by the way OP, he is lying to you when he says "This isn't who I am"
This is exactly who he is and he won't change.
Don't let him blame you for his behaviour.
Please get rid of him.

ArmyofMunn · 14/01/2023 06:15

ShandaLear · 13/01/2023 23:40

Run like the wind. Six months in should be amazing, fun, and full of (literally) love, life and laughter. He’s a twat. You deserve better.

This!

qqq82 · 14/01/2023 06:25

Advice? Dump him
My ex made the exact same comment about me wearing heels

Jimboscott0115 · 14/01/2023 07:01

You've come out of a traumatic relationship OP and in your vulnerable state have found yourself someone who will make things worse.

The Jealousy, controlling behaviour, insecurities etc you've described will only get worse, you aren't going to fix this guy but his behaviour will get worse. After 6 months you should still be perfect to each other... He's already showing you who he is, and this is while he's trying to be his best version of himself!

Shoxfordian · 14/01/2023 07:10

You’ve gone from one abusive relationship to another. Dump him; have a look at the freedom programme and don’t date anyone else for a while until you’ve worked through all this in therapy

BlueSuffragette · 14/01/2023 07:13

DramaAlpaca · 14/01/2023 01:28

No, no no. You don't need this jealous, controlling man in your life. Your instincts are telling you it's not right - believe them.

Exactly this. Dump him OP.

dolor · 14/01/2023 07:14

This will only get worse.

You need to get rid of him, believe me.

grandmashotdoodlebugs · 14/01/2023 07:19

I've done the freedom programme I carry my Mr Wrong Mr Right card with me - it's my talisman.

My 2nd ex defaced it despite this and he did all these yours is doing. Jealously is abhorrent. I stayed for three years because like you, I hadn't learnt my lesson yet. So I'm going to repeat everyone else. Run. You owe this man nothing after 6 months.

Link to mr right and mr wrong. http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/MrwronggandMrrright.html

You'd do well to learn this off by heart. If you pm your address I'll post you a couple of cards. When I replaced my defaced card, I had to buy 100!

Vallmo47 · 14/01/2023 07:29

I’m sorry OP but it does sound like you’ve gone from one bad relationship to another. I’m sure this man won’t be all bad and very good at manipulating situations to make you feel bad, but you’ve raised a few important things that you shouldn’t have to put up with and clearly can’t long term. You will know in your heart of hearts that this should be the “honeymoon period” of the relationship … you should trust your own instincts before you get sucked in even more.

FinallyHere · 14/01/2023 07:32

he is very needy recently, needs a lot of reassurance, regularly asks me why I hate him

I feel partially responsible for his insecurities

You are not responsible for his insecurities. He is an adult who needs to take responsibility for his own stuff.

Do yourself a massive favour and dump him. The. Do some work on yourself so you know what to look for and how to pick a truly loving partner who will enhance your life.

Some things that might be helpful

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

Lundy Bancroft

All the very best. Your life will start to get better and better, only once you dump him.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 14/01/2023 07:53

qqq82 · 14/01/2023 06:25

Advice? Dump him
My ex made the exact same comment about me wearing heels

Mine too. The reason was we never went anywhere that I could wear heels. It became all drinks out in the daytime, hardly dressing up sort of outings. Then if I wore heels when out of an evening with girlfriends he moaned.

Remona · 14/01/2023 08:03

God, he sounds like an absolute knob.

Just because someone asks you a question, you do not have to answer it. Prying into your past trauma, sulking/silent treatment and criticism are all massive red flags. Ignore the fact that he’s appearing contrite afterwards because the damage has been done. He knows full well what he’s doing.

Your instincts are telling you that this is not right for you. Please listen to them.

GreyCarpet · 14/01/2023 08:13

Tale as old as time.

The other posters are right. You are not responsible for the insecurities of an inadequate man.

2catsandhappy · 14/01/2023 08:15

Please dump him. You don't sound compatible. You don't make each other happy.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/01/2023 08:17

Get out now.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/01/2023 08:18

You are absolutely not responsible for his insecurities.

Comtesse · 14/01/2023 08:31

He’s jealous of you reading??? That is utterly tragic. You don’t have to put up with this rubbish Flowers

Muddays · 14/01/2023 08:39

@Ksb2012 you're an impressive, intelligent and aware lady who as a survivor of trauma, (living with ptsd is tough, I've been there) has unintentionally become a beacon of strength for a weakling who will drag you down and drain your everything. Jees I hate guys like this. Get some space and perspective away from this man, there's a reason his engagement didn't become anything more, probably because his previous partner realised what a draining needy bore he was and understandably ran for the hills far, far away.
Anyway, love, patience and tenderness are every person's right. I've seen devastated, crushed people flourish and become extraordinary with the right person who took the time to understand them; because helping them get better was a genuine joy and not a burden.
Don't babysit a weakling who will never be as brave as you, you'll suffocate.

Opaljewel · 14/01/2023 08:42

Get rid.

You aren't healed enough to be in a healthy relationship. You're like a magnet for losers like this one who use and abuse. He took your personal trauma and is now using it against you.

It shouldn't be like this. Please concentrate on your recovery and no relationships until you are truly sure none of these will slip through.
I wish you the best of luck.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/01/2023 08:44

Dump him. You'll feel so much better when you do. Don't allow yourself to stay with someone like that.

AlexaAdventuress · 14/01/2023 08:46

I'd also add that it's a bit of a dirty trick to play on someone to wheedle intimate details of their past out of them and then come over all judgy and bad tempered. I've had this stunt pulled on me once or twice and I've not been impressed. It's not big and it's not clever.

Nolosomi · 14/01/2023 08:52

I had an abusive relationship and had PTSD afterwards and went into therapy. It takes a good long while to sort out and find yourself and your strength again. I would advise against getting into a relationship whilst you are in this process. I did date but it was disastrous - I actually met some nice men but was just too vulnerable to have a healthy relationship.

All that aside, the man you are seeing sounds all wrong for you. The last thing you need is any head fuckery of any kind. You need privacy and time to heal. I doubt he would be right for you even when you are on the other side of your healing process.

Take strength in being on your own and being ok with it - it is invaluable when you do decide to date again as you’ll know yourself so much better and be able to take or leave men which will put you in a much better place emotionally.

Good luck OP, you’ll get there, but not with this guy.

Bananalanacake · 14/01/2023 09:12

Don't let him move in with you, ever.

RodiganReed · 14/01/2023 09:16

This is what my gut instinct is telling me.

Err it shouldn't be your gut telling you this, it should be your brain.

He is being explicitly, openly and repeatedly controlling.

The ring light thing is paranoid lunatic territory.

You need to get out of this relationship pronto and then do some work on your understanding of healthy relationships.