Jealous partner advice please!!!

[Ksb2012]

What do I do about my jealous boyfriend? We have been together around 6 months after I had a very traumatic break up with my ex. I was honest about this from the start and the long term impact this has had on me (I am in therapy and trying to heal). He has asked me a few intimate questions to which I have answered honestly. I get quite upset as I find it triggering to discuss which I explained. He seemed understanding then was moody and brooding for days. I confronted him and he said that my answers were bothering him. Eventually we reached a stale mate where he couldn't understand why I had refused to do these things with him (trauma). It took him a few days and he came around, said he finally understood my perspective and no pressure etc.

Then earlier he found a ring light amongst my things, totally innocent, and immediately accused me of making porn with my ex (totally untrue). He said he didn't mean it to be an accusation or to upset me. I said he is insecure and being ridiculous but he just goes quiet and doesn't know what to say.

I have noticed he is very needy recently, needs a lot of reassurance, regularly asks me why I hate him. It is all just getting a bit much and it's making me feel as though I am doing something wrong or making him feel insecure.

I remind him that he has been engaged previously and has a young child, neither of which I have, that he ought to put into context how hypocritical he is being but he is just so insecure. I feel I can't win. Its silly things like me wanting to read, he interprets as me not wanting to talk to him. Or I buy new heels and ‘you never wear heels with me’. Just grating on me now and I don't know if I'm misinterpreting because he's always so apologetic and down after I correct him.

It's all about him isn't it? Please dump him and concentrate on yourself. You are in another abusive relationship with a controlling man.

How old are you?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Your boundaries, already skewed by previous poor relationship experiences, are being further done in by this man now.

You've basically gone from one abusive relationship into another one and this man you're now with targeted you and deliberately so in order to abuse. Now you know why his ex's have all got rid of him. His apologies are meaningless and are also part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is also a continuous one.

You need time and space away from him in order to properly heal and I read too you are in therapy; how good here is your therapist re abuse and or abusive relationships?.

The last thing you need at this time is him; please find it within you to rid yourself of your abuser. You are NOT responsible for any of his actions and or choices. Women should not be acting as rehab centres for such badly raised men.

Enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme too as this will also help you move forward from abuse.

My first piece of advice would be to end this relationship. For whatever reason, it's really not working.
My second, and I would say this carefully - is to set very strict parameters and keep to them.
Don't discuss previous relationships, if you need to talk things through with someone, it has to be someone other than your partner.
If he wants your relationship to have any chance of being a success and an enjoyable experience the jealousy has to stop. Completely. He has to resist the urge to ask the questions and trust that you are together and anything that happened to you before then is none of his business.
Boundaries - seeking sex as reassurance isn't on.
So I would say lay these down as red lines. But you have to be prepared to walk away if the line is crossed.
I had a new boyfriend (quite a few years ago) who got very jealous about my previous relationships. It was wrecking our relationship and I did precisely what I said above and meant it. He knew that if he asked one more question or behaved in a way that was to provoke any kind of reaction I would leave, for good.
He did actually manage to get a grip on his own issues and anxieties and we worked through it. I stopped offering any support or explanations though - he had to do that for himself.
But, I think it really depends on whether this is something that your boyfriend wants to change or not. Jealousy is abusive behaviour but I think it's also a choice. It's early days in your relationship and it really shouldn't be this hard.

Thanks everyone for all your replies. I am really trying to absorb the advice and think about the next steps.

I have woken up this morning and spoken to him. I have been very stern and told him how he is making me feel and that I will not tolerate it.

As expected he is full of apologies, doesn't mean what he said, excuses etc. He said he doesn't know why he feels like this and that he knows its unfair and he will change. I've told him I'm not interested in what he has to say that he has to show it and in the meantime he needs to understand he's hurt me and I'm not going to pretend he hasn't.

He refuses to acknowledge that anything had changed regarding sex but my perception is that it has. He has become a lot more verbal with requests in the last couple of weeks, asking for things, doing jobs and asking for things in return etc. Don't get me wrong, I have told him he must think I must have very low standards if he can do one thing I've asked and expect sexual favours in return. His answer to this is he just 'always wants to have sex' with me.

I'm sure it must all sound very obvious he is abusive and I think deep down I know this. He said 'I'm so sorry I've ruined the best thing to ever happen to me' and I again replied well that's a cop out, you aren't taking responsibility or trying to change you're just saying you've ruined it.

Anyway, I am taking on board everything that has been said. I am in a really difficult position because I am reliant upon him living wise at the minute. But I know I will be okay it will never be as bad or as sad as my last relationship ending, I will never allow that to happen to me again. But I have been very clear where I stand and what I am not going to deal with. Its up to him now.

Any further advice always welcome, the odds are definitely stacked against us and I am quickly disconnecting so if we aren't going to work I will be in control of that this time.

Eww, he sounds awful to be honest. Surprised you’ve managed to become dependent on him living wise in such a short time, but only you know your own circumstances.

I’d be getting things lined up ready to leave him at the earliest opportunity. This won’t get better. If it’s so stressful in the first 6 months, it can only get worse. Don’t let yourself get sucked into another long term abusive relationship. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be to break free. (Unless you are using the time constructively to sort out your living arrangements for when you do dump him.)

Well long story short, I was selling my own house to buy with my ex partner, it was a very very sudden and sad ending. I was then in a position where I couldn't afford to cancel the sale and pay the fees so was buying myself a new place. This fell through on the day of completion for my sale so unfortunately I had no other choice. For now, I am stuck. Interest rates are too high and I have nowhere else to go.

For my sanity though I will be exploring my options.

Again he has come in and apologised and said he wants another chance and he will change. Like I said before I have been clear that's fine but I won't pretend it's not happening.

Hang on, so he does jobs and then asks for favours in return? As in, I’ve washed up so I’d like a blow job?

Jesus wept. I thought he was a knob before you supplied more detail. He sounds utterly grim 🤮

In my experience, people rarely change. You’ve not been with him long and he’s already shown you repeatedly what a needy, demanding, revolting little man he is. He isn’t going to change.

Do you mean he contributes to chores in the household (which isn't a favour to you or 'helping' you as I'm sure he positions it, it's just being an adult) he then says you owe him a blow job etc? Is that what he does?

OP you say you know deep down he is abusive. Listen to that and end the relationship. Men like him make you feel confused and shit about yourself until you believe you are shit and then don't leave because you don't think you're worth more than the way they treat you.

And you've been with him six months.

Less than 200 days.

Really think about that.

Less than 200 days and he's already making you feel this way.

This is who he is. Don't waste another day on him.

This guy will further traumatise you. Probably best to dump him and stay single while you work on your trauma.

There is absolutely no point in telling a lion its a lion and to stop being a lion.

You are stalling in the hope he will pretend to be nice again so you can kid yourself this relationship is healthy. The abuse will creep back in slowly and before you know it you'll be in hell wondering how it came to this.

Look for somewhere to rent and get out as fast as you can. Get on it today.

Don't give psychopaths who abuse you second chances.

You do have somewhere to go-if you’re in rented, talk to the landlord and tell h8m/her you’re leaving an abusive relationship, can you be removed from the tenancy. If you’re in his flat, find another. This bloke is abusive, jealous, insecure, it will all escalate. I’ve read so many times on here how this kind of situation has turned into the woman not being allowed out, the man phoning every ten minutes and ruining her social life. Please ensure your contraception is solid and don’t allow him to pester you sexually, he sounds like an arsehole.

You have to find a way out. As people have already said, this person isn't worth it. Not in the slightest. He will manipulate you, will leave on his terms (whenever that may be) and move on to, and manpiulate, someone else. Only he will probably be worse.

Wow, just wow. He sounds like a scrotum.

You need to leave this angry and controlling man.

You need to end the relationship and block him from contact with you.

This.

He is utter scum and you are absolutely in another highly abusive relationship.........living with him after 6 months!!!

Please protect yourself and start looking for a room, anything, so that you are safe and can heal.

Scum can't change and he really is scum.

Don't waste anymore time on him.

He sounds unhinged and creepy.

Be very careful.

So are you living with him whilst you were looking for somewhere else?

So wouldn't it be worth getting somewhere cheaper than you planned just to get your own place?

If you have been through trauma you need to be on your own. To work through trauma. It’s a common theme that children that go through trauma/toxic relationships growing up continually attract relationships like this. I was that person. I ignored alarm bells and got married. I believed lies. But it all became obvious over time and I walked away. You know what you need to do.

Also from experience. The I will change sentence is standard. Highly unlikely because he can’t change. It’s deeper than that. Can’t you move out and rent somewhere? Sounds like you are in a good position to walk away.

Genuinely can't tell if he's living with you at your house, or you're at his.

If he's at your house, you need to throw him out, immediately.

If you're at his place, then please contact women's find help to escape this absolute arsehole.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Why are you so desperate to be in a relationship and get validation the next guy ? You sound like you can't be alone for 5 mins and then wonder why this relationship is the way it is?

I think thats a really judgemental and presumptious comment to make. I have asked for some advice not for judgement.

I am 29years old and have had one relationship that ended very abruptly due to tragic circumstances.

The relationship I am in now was very quick and unintentional and has just kind of progressed as time has.

I am by no means perfect and I have my own demons to battle but I certainly don't need men to validate me or a stranger on the Internet passing judgement. That comment says more about you than it does me.

I hope you have a very happy and fullfilling life and never encounter struggles, God forbid you ever seek advice and receive comments such as the one you just sent.

Again he has come in and apologised and said he wants another chance and he will change

Yeah yeah. They're always going to 'change.' Then you forgive them and they 'change' for about a month. Then it's back to square one.

I certainly don't need men to validate me or a stranger on the Internet passing judgement. That comment says more about you than it does me

OP - and please believe me when I say this kindly - you came on the internet to ask advice from strangers. A lot of the posters here have experience of situations like yours and are judging it based on their own (sometimes very difficult) experiences. The least you can do is consider what they say and reflect on whether they might have a point, like it or not.

I have most definitely taken a lot of the advice on board, some of it has been really difficult to read.

I posted on here knowing I was going to get honest opinions (if anyone were to reply) and also knew myself things weren't right, I'm not completely oblivious. However, it is a lot more complex than that and evidently I'm not immune to getting into this kind of situation.

However, my main point of replying to the previous poster was not that what they are saying is incorrect but how they have phrased it I think was judgemental and tbh it didn't come across as though they had good intentions by posting it. It wasn't constructive criticism it was just criticism and I can't imagine that's what anyone comes on here for, particularly when they are asking for advice on an emotion inducing subject.

Thanks for taking the time to reply I genuinely have read every comment and appreciate people taking the time out of their day to do so and offer advice and experiences. For the most part it has been extremely helpful and eye opening. However I think sometimes whether intentional or otherwise people say things that are inconsiderate and should be made aware of that. How else do they learn. :)

Get out. My ex used to complain that I’d wear heels for work (15 years ago when office wear was more formal/business suit style) but not when I’d go shopping with him to Tesco in a Saturday.