Manosphere put me off men and sex (although I have healthy sex drive and desire a relationship)

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I'm not asking for advice here, I just wondered if I'm the only one who feels this way, I suspect I'm not.

Men show interest in me romantically/sexually and although I don't have any ill feelings towards men (just some men's behaviour towards us) and don't wish to see them suffer, I'm terrified to ever date or have sex with a man again and feel many of them enjoy seeing women suffer. I have a healthy sex drive and the idea of a relationship is nice theoretically, but after discovering ex-husband was into manosphere and as a result became emotionally abusive, I've research all this stuff and combined with my past experiences with men, I am terrified to ever date or even have sex again.

The thought of co-habiting with a man, being financially tied (combined finances) to one and having a baby with a man, is absolutely out of the question for me now, the thought of it fills me with terror. I feel like I have some kind of ptsd or stress disorder from everything. I feel like it's all a trap and scares me, the ones that scare me most of all are the wolf in sheeps clothing, like my ex husband. I really don't trust my judgement anymore, I was supportive of him and his career, split finances 50/50, it was a very egalitarian relationship, I was affectionate, kind, so it's been hard to get my head around the way he treated me.

I've been following posts on MN a while now and after reading this today:
medium.com/@ossiana.tepfenhart/75-percent-of-tinder-users-are-now-men-why-are-guys-shocked-95c3cd11c97f
and also how some women are breaking up with boyfriends over Andrew Tate, just wanted to share my experience and if any other women out there feel the same and sick of the abuse, your not alone.

Do you think men realise it's abuse? Surely they must, I read one married redpill post once, where the man announced his wife as being diagnosed with cancer, so he's going to stop implementing redpill on her and other men replying saying, yeah understandable and in agreement, like wtf? I have to get cancer to no longer deserve being abused. I was having panic attacks and waking up with night sweats/terrors, nearly lost my marbles, from the games, gaslighting and abuse with my ex. It's all just so fucked up, I'm lucky I got myself settled and a nice little peaceful life for myself and just enjoy work, hobbies and seeing friends now, I talk to men at work and don't hold any grudge against them individually, but sometimes my hands tremble around men. I feel so sad for not only women, but despite everything, I still feel sad for men too, that it has come to this.

What the hell is manosphere??

I do kind of agree, I do have a lovely partner who isn't into this stuff and not aware of it really but I've read these manosphere forums, saw their videos and its horrible and so many men buy into it all. Its biblical really, they view woman as the root of all evil, incapable of love, only good for their reproductive function, pleasure and labour. Men think by reading up on this stuff they are gaining the upper hand and learning some hidden truth but most women are repulsed by this crap and instead of swooning over these alpha men they instead shut up their romantic shop and settle into single life or explore same sex relationships.

If I were single now I don't think I'd bother.

ShakespearesBlister: It's a group of online misogynistic groups, sharing tips on how to 'train', use and abuse women. There are different groups that fall under the term, incels (shootings, one here in uk and other countries), pick up artists, men go there own way (although some still try to use women for sex), redpill, blackpill, Andrew Tate, online dating coaches telling men to be 'alpha' and 'maintain frame', ignore texts to get women to chase you, stonewalling, triangulating, gaslighting, think women are sluts, but okay for them to be promiscuous and 'spin plates', they refer to us as objects.

There are many lovely men out there .. a lot of us are married to them, so don’t let s poor experience put you off.

Educate yourself to spot the signs of these abusers, end the relationship as soon as they exhibit any of these behaviour - you aren’t someone’s saviour.

Also, you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to have a happy and successful life.

Also so many men feel hard done by like they are the ones who are oppressed, I've heard that you can experiance loss of privilage as oppresson which is perhaps about right.

polorider: Yes I think that scares me the most how many men are buying into it and my ex hid it so well, the behaviour started after we were married. I wonder if the men who fall for it, had those kinds of views anyway, at least to some extent and the online stuff, just gave them tools and encouragement to act upon it more.

OP
you say you're terrified of them

I'm not terrified but I am suspicious. I stopped wanting any kind of relationship years ago, so for me it translates into being put off being friends with them.

i'll grant you that's a pity because it's always nice to have friends, but yes, the idea of what they might really think is off putting. I've also had situations when male friends have suddenly pounced, so to speak.

I also discovered that two male relatives were messaging each other "jokes" that I find...well, I explained how I felt by saying "many a true word spoken in jest". They would argue that they are decent men married to career women and both have daughters.

but I think - why would you share those jokes if you didn't mean it?

I have noticed that some people really bust a gut to defend it on free speech grounds. I'm not arguing against free speech. I just feel very mindful of the Greer remark that women often don't realise how much men hate us, as a group.

I’m a man, and that all sounds absolutely bonkers. We’re not all like that, far from it - but I can see how that experience would be off-putting!

My wife and I are equals, as it should be.

Just
..don't date those men? I've never met one. Bit of a fringe group imo.

Er...the point is, you don't know who thinks that way.

@EmmaEmerald surely as you get to know someone their beliefs and behaviours will reveal themselves. plus you can always ask them in advance if on tinder or whatever on their views on it.

Probably yes, the shite expressed by the groups who are considered part of the Mano sphere could certainly appear to validate misogynistic views someone holds.

I've read around this stuff in texts and a few academic papers and the more you do the easier it is to become convinced everyone is like this. A few hours on sites like 8kun (and back in the day 4chan, 8chan) make you want to move to Mars or wash in bleach. But it really isn't everybody. I am blessed to have a son who hasn't ended up like this, despite being a heavy online user and contributor. I know a few other men his age who aren't either as well as some who are.

I think the best advice has been given. Know the signs, know the red flags. Be cautious. How is a man when he is stressed? What are his friends like? Will he call out shit when he hears it? Does he 'neg', drop little sexist comments here and there? There are certainly people who mask their true selves very well but often if you look closely you can spot that something isn't quite right once you know what to look for.

One way to limit the risk is to try to meet men who are in the right groups/environments.

If you meet the men in my social circle, they are not following the likes of Tate.

Some men are cruel to women. You won't change them.

You are right to be cautious. In times past, women had much greater knowledge of the men they formed relationships with and other men did actually police each other.

The internet and dating websites like to say things are more accessible. True, but it is dangerous. Dangerous because you do not know people well enough to form effective relationships.

The manosphere is populated by inadequate men. But they don't go around with labels. You just have to identify cruel behaviour yourself.

I think the truly 'grade A' men out there don't hate women, it's the loser men.
Unfortunately there are a lot more loser men out there.
I'm fully prepared to stay single for the rest of my life rather than date a men who might hold these sort of views. They are fairly easy to spot as you get older and more confident and more happy with the idea that a man and being in a relationship is not the be all that we've been lead to believe.

I had never heard of the term and had to Google it. Sad sad state of affairs. I refuse to believe that most men.are like this. I understand your worry and how your experiences have increased these worries. Take care

I hear you! But I'm 54 and have 2 lovely kids. I have no desire to go out there and look for a partner as it horrifies me. Men are a different breed now. My age usually come with more baggage than Heathrow, and I'm well past dating a 30/40 yr old.

So here we are all solvent and single.

I hear you too. I think the chances of finding a man who is not a misogynist in any way at all is so unlikely. After a nightmare abusive x I find any small sign of sexism so off-putting. I went from being a door mat to putting up with nothing. I did have one lovely boyfriend, not in to porn thank god, he was a good guy but he drank too much so I have given up tbh. I'm in my 50s now, I'm not looking, that's how I find comfort. It was the lookinng and never finding that was so depleting. Don't look and you'll be fine. I know that it would be diffreent for younger people but giving up is where I think peace lies. That's the happy ending. I'm solvent and content and aware that even if I found this snow drop of a non-misogynist man who was also attractive enough physically that I would want to sleep with him, I'd still see the upsides of being single.

Obviously Tate and his supporters are incredibly reductionist, simple people.

It does say something about who supports him or the manosphere; men who lack agency or meaningful lives for whatever reason. Well adjusted men will have no reason to engage with it. It depends on the role models given to younger men.

These aren't things women can really address. You just have to give this behaviour the swerve.

There will be some unlucky, damaged or naive women who fall into with these inadequate men. But there's never been a better time in the UK to change this and live better. That's actually the good news.

@EmmaEmerald Yes; what you said about male relatives and 'truth said in jest', I have had similar experiences, with both my dad and brother and I was recently talking to a female colleague, we were having this discussion and she said, her own father named her after a page 3 girl he liked. I know there are good men out there and I imagine it is a minority that follow that stuff online, but this kind of talk between men and/or about women reinforces and could even encourage it. Sometimes, I guess because of being married to someone following this stuff, I see the everyday 'jest' stuff in the same light, or like a crossover and in a much worse light than I did before.

I wanted to add I do believe there are good men out there and agree about educating oneself on recognising red flags.

Interestingly, I heavily suspected my ex to be on the autism spectrum (aspergers) and myself, so it is also perhaps harder for me to spot red flags. There are many theories/online articles suggesting that autistic men are more likely drawn to the manospere and this makes sense, I already suspected we both had autism before I found out he was following that kind of online content and apparently autistic people are more likely to marry others with autism, schizophrenia and ADHD, I have been diagnosed with inattentive adhd, my mum has schizoaffective disorder and my dad is very misogynistic, but I've often wondered if he's on the spectrum, he struggles to make eye contact etc, so to me it's all very plausible.

I often wonder if more people than we realise may consume and agree with this online content, but I wondered what other people's thoughts were on this.

Im a man. Andrew Tate ? The Manosphere ?. Utter gobshites. Ladies, please don't think most of us think like these Pricks. Would be like us blokes thinking you are all just after our cash or your all lunatics when your monthly cycle arrives.

Never heard of manosphere. I'm just marking place to read. My friend who was dating was talking about redpill and something called lookism. I have no idea but it all sounds off putting. I think I'd rather stay single.

This can only be a small number of men who go to these extremes?

I do think that there are plenty of men out there that are not into the manosphere and pathetic misogynists like Andrew Tate, but there clearly are many that are.

What seems to make guys like Tate interesting to men is that they intersperse their misogynist bilge with guidance on self-empowerment and self-actualisation which does have some truth to it and so it sort of wraps round the crazy shit and makes it more easily swallowable. Also these guys put on the act that they have all the trappings of rich, successful men and young men aren't stupid they do know that rich, successful men get more attention from certain groups of women.

My view is that we actually need to spend time working with men to create an alternative, positive masculinity if we want to stop this scourge. Only pointing out all the ways that men can and do hurt us as women is not going to do that I'm afraid, not that it isn't justified but we need to be broader in approach.

@Idafrost That's what I hope, that it is a small number, I became obsessed and researched it so much, my ex even had two books recommended by redpill on stoicism (Stoic philosophy isn't a problem in itself, but the manosphere have created their own twisted and misunderstood version of what it was intended to be), it's all probably made me a bit paranoid and traumatized, but on the other hand I think it is a genuine concern, with shootings especially, started more in America and Canada I believe, but there was the shooting couple of years back in Plymouth, I was already reading about it all before and i said as soon as I saw it on the news, it's an incel, I just knew, I'd already told a friend I wouldn't be surprised if it happens in UK.

I've heard of lookism too, men wanting to have jaw surgery and there are incels even hammering their faces because they believe they are ugly, It's actually really sad and I feel social media, internet and dating apps have contributed a lot to it all. I worked in education until recently and the amount of students that are suicidal, 5 commited suicide while I worked there, I just think wtf is happening to the world.