Husband isn't in love with me anymore. I'm devastated.

[Kimcatiko]

My husband told me he loves me, but isn't in love with me anymore. I've asked him if he still wants to try and work through things and he doesn't want to. I'm devastated. I'm still in love with him the same way as I was when we met.

We've been together almost 15 years, married for 2 and have an 11 month old son. I feel as though I've been blind to this. He told me he was unhappy a few months ago, but wasn't open to counselling, individual or couples. He suddenly stopped being intimate with me. I said to him he didn't even try to stay connected, and he said he just didn't want to. I had refrained from looking at his phone, but since he has said he doesn't want to work on things I decided to have a look. There was nothing on there that I could find and he said he hasn't met anyone else.

I look back on texts from the summer and see how loving he was, remember how loving he was and just feel as though maybe I did something wrong. I also don't know what to do. I never envisioned a life without him, there were still many things I wanted to do with him. He was my best friend. My mum and sister keep saying he needs to leave and I know he does, but I also don't want him to. I feel so pathetic. Any advice would be appreciated...

Why is everyone saying there must be someone else? There might be. But there might not be. Why kick OP when she's down.

OP you must be in shock and still trying to process it all. Be strong, keep your head held high. You will get through this and one day in the not so distant future, I hope he reflects on what a terrible mistake he's made. Good luck

I’m afraid from experience it sounds like he may have another phone. Take care of yourself and know that after devastation comes anger, then resolve and finally you come out the other side stronger than you ever thought possible.

I'm so sorry. I also thought immediately that there is another woman. In my experience my DH wasn't communicating via text - it was all via his workplace internal messaging system/intranet. Does he have this or use teams? The other thing to check is social media private messaging and search history.

He may have a phone that you do not know about.

Because ken don't leave unless they have another woman. Not ever.

And why is it better to think he'd rather be alone? I can't see there's much comfort

Why is everyone saying there must be someone else? There might be. But there might not be. Why kick OP when she's down

They are saying there must be someone else for one or more of the following reasons:

1. Their own experience of a very similar situation.
2. It's the script -it's the words used - the "love you but not in love with you" is used when they've fallen for someone else. If it was for a different reason they'd give the reason and not trot out that line.
3. Most of the time men line up someone else before they move on. I'd say it's very rare that a man voluntarily moves out without someone to go to. Some men might be unhappy in their marriage but the thing that triggers leaving is an affair with someone else or some kind of relationship with someone else which reaches a point where the prospects of it turning into something more look good. And if it turns out to be nothing after all they rock up again begging for forgiveness and a second chance a few months later

My friend's son did this to his wife - two little kiddies under the age of three, one just an infant. There was another woman. How can they do this?

It must be very hard for you after the years you've spent together but you need to move forwards. A man saying that he's not in love with me anymore would be enough for me to move on without him.

Make plans for your separation.

I agree with pps, it's likely that he is seeing someone else.

Fucking scumbag. Absolutely no respect for someone lacking in morals or conscience.

And what sort of woman even entertains the thought of a relationship with a man with young children? We’ve all been young and gorgeous and had older married men come onto us - well I did. Only one reasonable response which is F off.

I was in the hairdressers and an elderly lady said her grandson had just left his girlfriend with a young baby. Every woman in there from 13-80 including his own grandmother agreed he was a bastard

The Script is bizarre but terrifyingly accurate.

Happened to me a few years ago and wish I was aware of it then. Yes, the OW popped out a few weeks later. My youngest was 2. Nothing on the phone at all until I searched "frequent contacts" he'd wiped it all apart from that.

Huge hugs.

If I had my time, I'd have taken the very generous offer he gave in the tiny window of remorse there was. Sadly I was too confused/blindsided/unaware of The Script and waited resulting in a lengthy and costly legal battle.

Sorry but I instantly thought of another woman.. it's the sudden stopping of being intimate with you that raises the flag

I agree people are liking it to personal situations or that of friends/relatives etc. However it's massively stereotyping to say that men don't leave women without having someone else lined up. I find this narrative that men are bastards really shortsighted.

OP is clearly looking for support rather than a load of people almost taking delight in pointing out something that may (or may not) be happening. Not going to help her mental health to then rouse her suspicions of something that'll make her feel horrible.

This is superb advice. Just follow this plan. It's clear and right.

He’s a fool to break off a marriage within the first year of having a baby. Babies a hard, he can’t expect the spark to be as sparky while a kid is so little. And you have carried a child for nine months and then given birth to them. Sounds like a selfish swine.

I don’t think it’s delight - I think it’s because at the start while there is guilt it can be easier to secure a better settlement before a 3rd party starts to influence him/there are more offspring (which changes things further as the legal priority is making sure all children are housed adequately)

Completely agree with Frozen you need to talk cold, hard facts. If you are splitting up then how will that work going forward? The house or housing situation needs sorting, child maintenance, how often does he propose to see is child, how many nursery drop offs of pick ups will he be doing? Even if this is the last thing you want you have to lay this out for him. He doesn't just get to stay where he is whilst professing he doesn't love you and you still wash his pants. Because I bet he hasn't taken over his own laundry or cooking for himself has he? You deserve better than this. He needs to see his options if he goes or decides to work on his marriage.

For those saying why is there always another woman because some of us have been on here a very long time, have read the script and chump lady. Men usually don't go from a comfortable, every one getting along situation to removing themselves, going through the effort of dividing assets and filling out financial paperwork and making time for solicitor's appointments, buying a bed, bedding, a new duvet, new furniture for their new place etc and run a house all by themselves. This entails doing all their own laundry, food shopping, cooking and cleaning. Usually there is a shiny new woman who will fall over themselves to prove they are better than the wife he just left who will be doing half of this work.

And no I am not divorced, I am married but every man I have known who has left his wife has gone because there is someone else.

I think social media/messaging makes it so much easier and accessible to cheat. My H is obsessed with it and has lots of woman messaging him …apparently 😳🤭 he’s a real catch 😂

i also agree what woman entertains a married men with kids, I mean there’s enough single people to mess around with if that’s what you want to do, morally bankrupt!

As others have said, his response is standard for a man who has met someone else. He could easily have deleted messages, have a secret app you don’t know about, deleted the messaging app he uses to contact them or he even has a second phone. There are ways to hide an affair and I would put money on him having one. It’s rare for men to leave a marriage without someone else lined up, pathetic as that is.

He is either deleting the messages or he has another phone.

His head is turned and he has switched his feelings to her

@Kimcatiko Sorry this is happening to you.
Happened to me, too.
There is something about having a baby or young child that shifts some men’s perceptions.

Like you, I thought I’d be married for life to same person.
My ex is on his third marriage now.
It’s tough, and especially tough on the child.

Cherchez la femme
My ex denied there was anyone else- It was a much older work colleague!
They married as soon as we divorced
But they divorced down the line.

You will survive- No option but to survive.
Expect to feel absolutely shattered, though.
It’s very wearying.

Agreed.
No previously loving man switches his feelings off so suddenly, unless another woman is on the scene.
It’s very common and hurtful.

How are you, OP?

Check his emails. My ex hid emails with a woman from work. They were all in the trash bin in his email folders and he hadn’t deleted them from the trash bin.

There is always someone else.

What you’re going through is worse that what I went through as I didn’t have a child then.

Your mum is right. He needs to go. It’s the only way you will move on. I know you don’t want to - but this isn’t your choice.

BTW - this is what men say when they meet someone else.