Husband isn't in love with me anymore. I'm devastated.

[Kimcatiko]

My husband told me he loves me, but isn't in love with me anymore. I've asked him if he still wants to try and work through things and he doesn't want to. I'm devastated. I'm still in love with him the same way as I was when we met.

We've been together almost 15 years, married for 2 and have an 11 month old son. I feel as though I've been blind to this. He told me he was unhappy a few months ago, but wasn't open to counselling, individual or couples. He suddenly stopped being intimate with me. I said to him he didn't even try to stay connected, and he said he just didn't want to. I had refrained from looking at his phone, but since he has said he doesn't want to work on things I decided to have a look. There was nothing on there that I could find and he said he hasn't met anyone else.

I look back on texts from the summer and see how loving he was, remember how loving he was and just feel as though maybe I did something wrong. I also don't know what to do. I never envisioned a life without him, there were still many things I wanted to do with him. He was my best friend. My mum and sister keep saying he needs to leave and I know he does, but I also don't want him to. I feel so pathetic. Any advice would be appreciated...

I know it seems nuts everyone is assuming another woman but to come at this from a different angle, there simply has to be another woman to motivate him to bother walking away. Even if he isn’t ‘in love’ there has to be a serious motivation to blow up your life and not continue as you are.

There is another woman. 99% sure of that.

There will be someone else OP - he’ll have a secret phone hidden somewhere. I agree with everyone else - in my experience men never leave a comfortable home unless there is someone else in the pipeline - they want regular sex and someone to wash their socks/cook their dinner and massage their ego. It’s textbook.

Men never leave unless there's someone else to go to.

Men are dogs.

I'm so sorry Op.

I know this isn’t every situation. However I wonder why for some men when a baby comes along and the dynamics change they decide they have changed too? I would say ask him to leave. You need space and so does he. You both need to get your heads round everything. Wishing you luck. Take one day at a time.

He told me he was unhappy a few months ago but he wasn’t open to counseling. He suddenly stopped being intimate with me.

I look back on texts from the summer and see how loving he was, remember how loving he was…

Kim, months ago your H became invested in an OW, hence the marked change in his behavior. He’s been having an affair, and is lying that he is not currently involved with her.

He has a second phone, hidden apps, or regularly deletes their messages.

I know you’re in great pain, but don’t diminish yourself by doing the pick-me dance for his crumbs. He is no longer your best friend and committed husband.

Kim, you’re not responsible for his deceitful choices, but you do have agency over your response to this great disrespect to you and the baby. Send him away and meet with a solicitor to learn your options.

It's the suddeness of the change that screams other woman. Looking back, I could pin point the day she made it clear she was available as his whole attitude to me changed like someone switching off a light. All you can do is make clear that delarations like that have consequences - namely that you won't put up with them and he needs to move out.

I've heard that script, I'm sorry, I guarantee there's an OW in the scene, even if it's just someone he's interested in.

Start preparing for a divorce, and don't believe anything he promises you now while he's feeling guilty. Once he's seen a solicitor and the other woman has had her say it'll all change.

Replies about another woman will be from their personal experiences.

Don't base your situation of theirs, they bizarrely think that comparing themselves to you will help.

I'm sorry about your situation. You will be ok.

OW or not it doesn’t really matter (though for lots of people it was the case)

The reason to mention it is that it makes a speedy exit & sorting out financials more important if there is

He 100% is having an affair. Men don't behave like this if they're not having an affair.

You need to get mean and angry. How dare he do this? You've just spent two years gestating and then raising his child. And he's shat on you both from a great height.

He's a horrible fucking arsehole.

This is what happened to me last year. Same set of lines. Just because you haven't found anything on his phone doesn't mean he hasn't met someone else. There are stupid apps out there now specially designed to hide messages, luckily my ex wasn't that bright and was caught out straight away feels like the world is ending now. But it does get easier x

I hate to be the broken record but I was given the exact same speech - love you but not in love with you - and yes, there was someone else. It was two days after my DS's 1st birthday!

I don't know why they say it - to try and assuage the guilt? keep you sweet? keep options open? I don't know...

Un MN'ty hugs as whilst you may think this is all projection, too many of is have been where you are

Has anyone thought to mention the script?

Sorry op, maybe another woman, maybe not. The news is shit for you either way. I hope you start to feel better soon, when I was in a rough spot I kept telling myself that in 6 months my world would be different. It was and it's better (not the same situation but the idea works) Sending lots of good wishes

Other woman or not. He can walk away from you but not his responsibilities. Ask him which half of every week he wants do do his 24/7 sole care of his son.
Make him face the reality.

I'm sorry, like PP's have said, lots of us have suffered this. My second was 15mos old when the 'I don't love you anymore line was used. As predicted and I didn't believe (read back on my posts) there was another woman. He had known her 6 weeks when he blew our world up. Took me 3 months to find her.

I'm not going to lie. you're about to walk into a shit show, take the amazing advice on here, listen to it, no matter how painful to accept and act on it.

You can get through this. I'm just over a year out and was just thinking how happy and 'powerful' I feel now. I'm a warrior. You are too, and the people advising you have all fought this.

You can do this. You can take control. He's obliterated your babies childhood for life. Fight for that beautiful child of yours. You will thank yourself layer. Grieve when it comes, cry when you must, but poker face for him. This is business and financial security and whenever I'm in business I 'take the emotion out of it'. It's going to be hard, but dig deep.

It's happened to me twice. Twice! Luckily not marriages and no children involved but exactly the same ' love you but not in love with you, it's not you, it's me, I need time to find myself, of course there's not anyone else..." etc etc

Both of them partnered up with someone else within a couple of weeks.

It's not impossible that the OPs H isn't seeing someone else, but if it walks like a horse, etc...

I'm not usually in the 'there's definitely another woman' camp - I know of I think three couples where the man ended the relationship for other reasons HOWEVER in those cases there had been problems going on for a long time (such as addiction, realising they weren't well matched in the first place).

In your cases, he went from being happy and loving to not in a blink. Which means something happened. Most likely he had his head turned. You don't go from perfectly happy to refusing counselling and wanting to leave without something significant happening.

Men don't tend to leave long relationships without having someone else lined up, women will leave because they are unhappy but men will line someone else up first.

This! Just this! It's what most men who say they want to leave do. It's very well known. Especially given the time scale of the change, practically overnight. I am so sorry OP. Stay strong and line up your financial ducks in a row immediately. You can get through this

A man can’t be forced to take 50pc of the childcare in my experience at least, that’s a myth
They can be held liable for child support payments however but it’s best to talk to a lawyer about all this

Interestingly women sometimes do leave for this reason. I did. There was no one else involved.

Men ….. not so much. Always exceptions - but rarely in a previously v happy relationship.

Hate to say it but you're spot on.

Cherche la femme

There’s someone else op. I didn’t believe it either that he would actually do that but he did. He had an affair and left me for her, his 28 year old secretary and all. It will come out.

Sorry to say there someone else.