Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband isn't in love with me anymore. I'm devastated.

103 replies

Kimcatiko · 13/01/2023 13:20

My husband told me he loves me, but isn't in love with me anymore. I've asked him if he still wants to try and work through things and he doesn't want to. I'm devastated. I'm still in love with him the same way as I was when we met.

We've been together almost 15 years, married for 2 and have an 11 month old son. I feel as though I've been blind to this. He told me he was unhappy a few months ago, but wasn't open to counselling, individual or couples. He suddenly stopped being intimate with me. I said to him he didn't even try to stay connected, and he said he just didn't want to. I had refrained from looking at his phone, but since he has said he doesn't want to work on things I decided to have a look. There was nothing on there that I could find and he said he hasn't met anyone else.

I look back on texts from the summer and see how loving he was, remember how loving he was and just feel as though maybe I did something wrong. I also don't know what to do. I never envisioned a life without him, there were still many things I wanted to do with him. He was my best friend. My mum and sister keep saying he needs to leave and I know he does, but I also don't want him to. I feel so pathetic. Any advice would be appreciated...

OP posts:
ohfacksake · 13/01/2023 15:20

I'm so sorry OP. I could've written this story about me and my ExH, except he said he didn't love me at all, and I had 2 DC. He had someone else and was in an exclusive relationship with her two weeks later. That was 6 years ago and they're now married.

It's so, so tough, but you will get there. Accept help from anyone who offers it, and be kind to yourself. My family really rallied around and helped so much, I wouldn't be where I am without them!

Thinking of you, OP Flowers

Meseekslookatme · 13/01/2023 15:24

If there isn't another woman I'd be very surprised.
Ducks in a row.

Aposterhasnoname · 13/01/2023 15:24

Sorry but I have to echo what every one else has said. There’s another woman. I love you but I’m not in love with you is page one of the script. Get ruthless. This man is no longer your friend, he’ll try to screw you over. Be ready.

Glo1988 · 13/01/2023 15:30

So sorry you’re going through this.

Get your back up, you and your child are worth more than this. Be assertive and professional about the paperwork etc. you’ll get through this.

prettygreenteacup · 13/01/2023 15:31

Yup. Sending you a big hug, it's The Script. My ex did the same 7 years ago and I hung on for 4 years whilst he treated me like shit and carried on being unfaithful whilst I desperately clung on hoping it would change.

I'm about to be finally divorced from him in a couple of weeks after I ended the marriage 3 years ago.

Don't accept his shit or disrespect. I remember feeling like I'd never cope alone or without him and now I laugh at that thought. You will come out the other side into a new world. Solidarity.

MrsOtherBody · 13/01/2023 15:45

Oh yes, yet another one here (it's called The Script for a reason). "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore". Subtext - I have been having an emotional affair with my TA and have arranged to meet up with her for drinks and a shag.

I'll feed you the 'love you' line, as I still want you here to wash my clothes and cook my tea, and I don't want to feel guilty about upsetting the kids as it will take the edge off my affair.

HaggisBurger · 13/01/2023 15:49

He’s lying about the other woman because he’s aware how society thinks of men who do this with a young child. And he’s just using a hidden app to chat to her with - like telegram or Kik. Or another phone. But 100% another woman. I’m so sorry.

Original poster
Kimcatiko · 13/01/2023 15:49

Yes, I went through his phone. There was nothing on there, and he doesn't hide it from me.

OP posts:
BabyFour2023 · 13/01/2023 15:52

Just want to give you another side OP. There isn’t necessarily another woman. My best friend told her husband she wanted to separate as after 15 years together, she did love him but not as she should love her husband. More a brother. No sexual feelings towards him whatsoever. She thought both him and her deserved to be with someone who they had a spark with. She was a SAHM, no other man on the scene but she couldn’t carry on as it was; like living with her friend.

this was almost 3 years ago, he has since met someone else but she still hasn’t. It wasn’t about anyone else, it was about her.

Wingingit11 · 13/01/2023 15:53

@Kimcatiko first of all. I’m really sorry you find yourself in This position. My ex Husbsnd did this when my youngest was almost one and the shock almost sent me over the edge. I know you’re feeling very vulnerable and can’t see a way ahead. There is, and it will be better a little way down the track.
in my case it was an affair that came out very quickly. He had also refused counselling previously when we felt a bit disconnected after the birth.
just take one hour at a time. Feel free to DM me x

VictoriaBun · 13/01/2023 15:56

@BabyFour2023

It's a well known that most women don't just leave a marriage because they have lined up someone else.
Not so much with men.

LadyHarmby · 13/01/2023 15:56

BabyFour2023 · 13/01/2023 15:52

Just want to give you another side OP. There isn’t necessarily another woman. My best friend told her husband she wanted to separate as after 15 years together, she did love him but not as she should love her husband. More a brother. No sexual feelings towards him whatsoever. She thought both him and her deserved to be with someone who they had a spark with. She was a SAHM, no other man on the scene but she couldn’t carry on as it was; like living with her friend.

this was almost 3 years ago, he has since met someone else but she still hasn’t. It wasn’t about anyone else, it was about her.

Yeah but she’s a woman. Men are more simple creatures, as a rule.

Notparticularlyslappable · 13/01/2023 15:58

I had these exact same words 15 years into our relationship with a child under 2. I just happened to pass her phone the next day as it went off. It was the non existent other man!

I’m sorry OP. Its going to feel like you’re being torn in half now and for a while yet. For me, 5 years on and life is so much better in every way possible. I’ve found myself again. Apart from my children it was the best thing she ever did for me!

Rainbowlights · 13/01/2023 16:07

Kimcatiko · 13/01/2023 15:49

Yes, I went through his phone. There was nothing on there, and he doesn't hide it from me.

My ex husband didn’t hide his phone from me, there was still another women, he just deleted al, texts, call logs, everything related to her from his phone.

TheProblemIsMe · 13/01/2023 16:13

Men don't tend to leave without having someone else to go to.

ihaveopinions · 13/01/2023 16:15

Sorry this is hard for you. Script or no it is true to say that the 'in love' stage can fade and a lasting love remains; it's less sparkly but has more depth IYSWIM so don't focus on that. Thing is if he wants to bail out after 15 years together I would suggest there's someone else or he just can't cope with being a dad. Without counselling it's doomed really so gather your support and be prepared to see him differently.

LordSugarTits · 13/01/2023 16:18

The script. He's met someone else.

chanelle1998 · 13/01/2023 16:26

Kimcatiko · 13/01/2023 13:20

My husband told me he loves me, but isn't in love with me anymore. I've asked him if he still wants to try and work through things and he doesn't want to. I'm devastated. I'm still in love with him the same way as I was when we met.

We've been together almost 15 years, married for 2 and have an 11 month old son. I feel as though I've been blind to this. He told me he was unhappy a few months ago, but wasn't open to counselling, individual or couples. He suddenly stopped being intimate with me. I said to him he didn't even try to stay connected, and he said he just didn't want to. I had refrained from looking at his phone, but since he has said he doesn't want to work on things I decided to have a look. There was nothing on there that I could find and he said he hasn't met anyone else.

I look back on texts from the summer and see how loving he was, remember how loving he was and just feel as though maybe I did something wrong. I also don't know what to do. I never envisioned a life without him, there were still many things I wanted to do with him. He was my best friend. My mum and sister keep saying he needs to leave and I know he does, but I also don't want him to. I feel so pathetic. Any advice would be appreciated...

There's definitely another woman involved here and even though there's nothing on his phone, it doesn't mean he hasn't deleted stuff to cover his tracks.

You don't just fall out of love like that.

I'm so sorry

ChristmasRoses · 13/01/2023 16:26

There's another woman. I've been there, so sorry OP. You will get through it

HappyNewYear2023 · 13/01/2023 16:46

It's shitty OP.

He doesn't love you. It hurts. But you can either start declaring your undying love (and feel even shitter when he leaves) or give him what he wants.

Time to make some plans OP.

Yes to another women

LaLuz7 · 13/01/2023 16:53

Unless their partners are absolutely horrible, men don't tend to leave for an empty bed.

You'll find out about the other woman soon enough.

I'm sorry.

Coffeetableposhbooks · 13/01/2023 16:59

LaLuz7 · 13/01/2023 16:53

Unless their partners are absolutely horrible, men don't tend to leave for an empty bed.

You'll find out about the other woman soon enough.

I'm sorry.

I agree. Unless the woman is abusive or hateful, then men seldom leave and break up a family unless they have someone else to go to.

seineingefrohrenerpimmel · 13/01/2023 17:00

Really sorry OP.
I also think there's another woman. It's all following the script.
He'll either have a second phone, or he deletes everything, or it's a woman at work and they don't actually message each other.

Anyway, whether it's another woman or not, the marriage is over and that is devastating for you.
But I think you need to be really really strong now and tell him to leave.
Then see a solicitor about how a split could look.
Get tough.

I feel like these sudden marriage breakdowns are like when someone dies suddenly. It's a massive shock, but you have so much to deal with that you just have to get on with it. You've got adrenaline pumping for 2 or 3 months to get you through the initial phase and once you've dealt with all the legalities of the death and the funeral etc. (or in this case the legalities of getting him to leave and starting to separate finances, organize contact for your child, child maintenance) you can then begin to deal with the grief of the death, or in this case, the grief of the loss of the person you thought he was and the relationship you thought you had.

SunflowerTed · 13/01/2023 17:03

ShandaLear · 13/01/2023 14:52

‘Love you but not in love with you’ is the first line of The Script. There is another woman. In your shoes I’d act quickly - ask him to leave, gather together key documents, and consult a solicitor. Negotiate childcare arrangements. Do all this quick and do it assertively and decisively. This will focus his mind on whether or not he really wants to go. If he does he was going to do it anyway.

This

Bestcatmum · 13/01/2023 17:04

You were fine up until you married and had a baby. That says it all really. He doesn't want a wife or baby and the responsibility of a family. He was the centre of attention before and he isn't now.
This happens a lot. I've known several other couples who have very happily co-existed until they got married and/or had a baby. Then it all went to shit.
I wonder if this is what happened to his last partner and their child.
What did he say when you told him you were pregnant.

Swipe left for the next trending thread