New Fab & Glam (Part 3 - The Quest Continues!)

[Paddlechick666]

Here we go ladies!

well done baffy - i think you have every right to be as stubbon as you like - he has 'dragged' your ds into his sorry little life and i am not surprised you are angry.

Of course he is going to keep a low profile for a while he is probably feeling very guilty about it now.

How are you going to be with his family - that is a hard one really as they were put in an awkward position too. We still have the fallout with ILs too.

Hope you do manage to go forward with the divorce papers though as i do think you really do need to protect your assets more than ever now.

Stay strong and know you are doing so very very well.

Hope we can meet up in march.

Thanks HW

I don't think I can face his IL's again tbh. Not the way I feel right now. I don't think I want to see any of them ever again.

He sent me a text yesterday saying 'think of your son'
In relation to the fact I'm keeping ds away for now in fear of OW's temper. Just while I decide what to do for the best.

My reply - 'pity you didn't think of your son every time you dropped your pants for the last 18 months. don't you dare say I'm not putting my child first!'

Its ok not to want to see them again - but there may come a time when you will want them in your life - and i know you are sensible to not want to stop your ds from seeing them forever.

I have written a letter to mine - but i am not sure how much good it will do. I just feel that my dc are missing out somehow. But when they are old enough i will show them the letters and they can then see why i have felt the way i do.

I think anyone close to you will understand why you are doing this and it is disgraceful that gw is again trying to use ds to get to you.

FFS how long has it been that he has not seen him - and yet it was ok to not see him when he swanned off on holiday. Its not as if you have said he will not see him. Tell him you are seeking proffessional advice about the best way forward from now on.

Feeling so very angry for you.

I thought the number you posted yesterday was hers - i was all ready to ring her!!!!!

hahahahaha - don't tempt me about the number!!!

This is the thing I'm struggling with. Ds loves my FIL like you wouldn't believe (MIL is a different issue but I won't go there!)
He gets so so excited when FIL is picking him up. He idolises him and his dad. And I watch them all together and it's because they are very good with him - lots of one to one time. They teach him things. Take him swimming. Really do things that benefit ds and help him develop.

I wouldn't for 1 minute deprive ds of that. And if it means that they have to collect ds via my mum, so that I don't have to face them, then that's what I'll do.

My problem is the fact that for 18 months I feel like everyone around me not only lied to my face, but covered up for GW as though it was me who is being unreasonable.

I'd lost my husband and had my family torn apart by a nutter! I wasn't being unreasonable at all.

All I ever cared about was the fact that OW is so unstable that I didn't want my baby around her. GW can do whatever he likes.
But harping right back to last February, when ds had a fit - I am 100% convinced that it was because GW was too busy trying to impress OW that he didn't watch ds properly and didn't keep him properly medicated. Therefore when he took him out in a big wooly jumper in the snow (knowing he already had a high temperature), just so he could take OW out for lunch and show off, I feel that that resulted in him overheating and having the fit.
I'll never forgive them for that.
Then they didn't call me for 2 hours because H and OW went in the ambulance and she didn't want to leave!!! So I was oblivious in work until they decided that I should know that my own son was in hospital!

That. Combined with OW smashing up H's car, punching him in the face, taking numerous overdoses, and already having a criminal record... that is why I didn't want her to be in the company of ds.

And by covering up and lying for GW, his family and our friends, have enabled her to be around my child.

I don't think I can ever forgive anyone for that.

But ultimately - all I can blame is H isn't it. It's all down to him

I didnt for one minute think you would do such a thing on a whim. Try not to blame his family too much - it must have been so very hard for them to watch what was happening too and i suspect they too just did not really know what to do for the best.

I am sure you will make the right choice for your son and i hope your inlaws give you the space you need at the moment.

My inlaws were useless and just were not interested in what was best for the children. They were never in their lives much anyway so it is not much loss for us.

So do you really think he has finished it with her this time?

I don't know HW. It seems different this time. Every other time he finished with her it was sort of because he 'had to', either because I'd found out and was devastated, or I'd said he couldn't have ds if she was there etc.

But this time, obviously I had no idea it was going on again. And he finished with her out of his own free choice. He'd had enough of her and realised his mistake.
That's why she then got in touch with me - for revenge.

So I guess in that way it is different.

But this is the 5th time now I've found out about his affairs when I believed his version of events. So deep down, I really don't know if it's over. He's gone back to her so many times I'm just not convinced he won't do it again.

Good morning ladies

Baffy, are your IL's approachable? Do you think you could maybe talk to them about how you feel they betrayed you? I just wonder if they were put in a difficult postion by GW too, if they knew the whole truth about what was going on. He seems to lie so fluently, if he could lie so convincingly to you then, I am sure he could do the same to them.
Speaking from experience yet again it would be much more pleasant and beneficial to you if you could iron out all these problems with the IL's and not be carrying around resentment, not to mention having to go to all the bother of making alternative arrangements for DS when they want to see him.

As for the GN, well, you can wave at me from afar, we can raise a glass or two but don't you dare come near me! I couldn't stand the competition!! {grin]
I will look out for you leaning over a fence

Baffy, repeat after me "So deep down, I really don't know if it's over BUT I DON@T CARE!!"

Morning TFM

Can I be totally honest... I like your advice about the IL's and in some ways FIL is approachable. But for the moment, I'm so hurt and angry, that I don't want to be reasonable with them.

I know I sound like a spoilt child saying that. But I swear, for 18 months, all I have done is accomodate everyone else, been understanding, done what's best for anyone and everyone, except myself. I've lived through hell, trusted people with my ds even when it killed me, and they betrayed me.

So, totally unlike me, but for now, all I want to do is look after myself and ds and not give those lying horrible people the time of day.

Now, in time, I will take up that advice and you know I will But for the moment, I'm sick of being reasonable with people who take the p*ss out of me for being so strong and understanding. So until I'm ready, they can all get lost wait

okay, i can understand that. I wasn't always this reasonable you know so, I can totally understand where you are coming from

Good for you baffy - i am sure fil will be reasonable and will understand how you are feeling. I for one have every confidence that you will ALWAYS do what is best for ds and it sounds as if fil knows that too.

Dont supress your anger either as then it could turn into resentment - just make sure you have lots of pillows to kick and punch at home - it really does work.

Its ok to be childish every now and then and least you know that is how you are feeling and will be able to have a good laugh about it all sooner than you think.

I'm not as angry as I sound btw (just reading that back!)

I'm actually feeling quite calm and in control overall. I just think that I've been too 'nice' and I truly do believe that H has treated me this way because I've allowed him to. By being naive and by trusting my heart and not my head. So this time, it's my head all the way!

morning all

i've taken the day off sick altho I did an hour's work this morning dealing with the important stuff and re-scheduling my diary.

i am now at a bit of a loose end!

Baffy, you know I think this latest episode has lifted a bit of a veil for you. I am so glad to see that you are putting yourself and ds first and bugger the rest of them for the time being.

The relationship with the ILs will sort itself out in time. Your time and when you are ready.

I am utterly at GW asking you to consider your ds's needs. What an utter utter utter hypocrite.

FWIW, I think you need this distance and space to both drill into GW that you are not to be messed with any longer and preserve the clarity you're enjoying now to plan your next steps.

As for OW, karma will get her if it hasn't already. What a sad and pathetic life she has and not even an adult yet. We should give her our pity as her future doesn't look nearly as attractive as ours will be. However, I am an evil cow and all OW will get is my vitriol

I am trying to stay in "divorce mode" and "not cutting my nose of to spite my face mode" at present.

I am meeting H tomorrow evening and communication has been consistant since Friday. He moved into his new house yesterday and I think it will do him good.

I have no idea what contact he is having with any of the exes and tbh I am not actually interested in finding out.

My objective for tomorrow is to have a pleasant evening, present the divorce to H and try very hard to be relaxed and calm and friendly and keep things that way in order that dd has a father in her life in some regular and consistent way.

I just hope I can pull it off and keep my words to a minimum. Not go off on all sorts of deep and meaningful tangents about how dd needs H and how wonderful she is and how sad that he misses it all and hard it is for me to be solely responsible and have no one to share how gorgeous she is with yada yada yada.

I really really hope I can just let him speak and if he doesn't then just keep the conversation light and nothing heavy.

I think by tomorrow I will be quite nervous! Probably drink too much and balls it all up!

Shame you and TFM aren't doing GN on the same day. I should imagine the two of you in all your finery would be an amazing sight.

Now, as to footwear, what d'you think TFM should go for?

Wey Hey PC!! You threw a sickie! Thats made my day, just what you need. I am loving your mindset re your meeting with H tomorrow too. I have every faith in you I can't wait to hear how it all goes either so don't keep us waiting too long after the event

Okay ladies, I'm running a book on how long it will be before Baffy starts being nice to IL's again. I give her a fortnight tops! Place your bets now!

I've ordered the dress PC. I thought I had better get organised just incase it's not as nice in RL.
As for shoes, can't do too high but, do want a heel.
And what about a coat? Nice but not too expensive.

Thanks pc

Does H know why you want to see him tomorrow night?

I think it will take a lot of strength for you to keep things light so don't be too hard on yourself if you don't manage it.

I briefly saw H yesterday and all I intended was to stand and listen to what he had to say for himself and then walk away (as I only had 20 mins), but I just couldn't help myself and had a little go about what a mess he's made of his life and how he must be utterly ashamed of himself and what he's done to those who have done nothing but love and support him

I just think that because you don't have your say very often with them, once you see them it sometimes comes pouring out!

My only advice would be to literally bite your tongue. I have a tendancy to fill silences, which means I end up doing all the talking, and ultimately end up going off on one!!
If I make myself keep silent for a little longer than I am comfortable with, it forces H into speaking first, and that way he then does most of the talking.
It's a skill I'm learning. But it's hard to do!!

As for shoes for TFM... Not sure. if it were me, as the dress is so pretty, I would go for nice heels.

Just want to add PC (hope you don't mind) but, you must really, really must take a step back tomoroow and let H do the talking. Take a Kalms before you go if necessary! Do not, under any circumstances give him any reason to cop out. By the end of the evening the ball has to have been place very firmly in his court!!
I may not be there in person but I will be there in spirit. I will be sat on your shoulder holding a gag tightly around your gob!

PMSL TFM - you know me so well!!

Place your bets! It'll be fun!

That new skill you are learning Baffy is one of the best you will learn, trust me

well actually I gave you a fortnight cos I was being nice to you but really, I only give you a week TOPS! You are just toooo nice. But, we love you nice, you just have to learn how to be nice and tough!

Thanks TFM, I am learning at the right hand of a master

now, personally I would go for boots but thats because I never wear heels or "court" shoes and would never wear them again! altho I did buy a beautiful pair of green round toe'd kitten heels that I have worn quite a bit.

you can go a little higher in the heel if it's a solid (ie: not spike!) heel which also works well for boots.

i'll have a shufty around in a mo.

this is fun!

Baffy, excellent advice. I too fill silences and also never manage to quell the urge to tell him what an utter arse he is/has been!

He invited me out (it's actually the anniversary of our first date) and has no idea about the divorce.

I also intend to let the evening progress and see where he's at then use that to help me present teh divorce to him.

lol at opening a book. I'll have a fiver on 12 days!

Wow PC - am at your strength right now. Good for you! He's not going to know what's hit him. Finally!

So we have TFM with - 1 week.
PC - 12 days.

p.s. Dune is my absolute favourite for shoes. Always find gorgeous heels in there to go with any dress.

Wow PC - do let us know how it goes - you sound as if you are going to be fine. Baffy is right try and let the silence go on for a bit and see if he fills it instead. You know you will feel so much better for not going off on one, but i too know how difficult that is.

I have not seen the dress as yet TFM but there are some lovely peep-toe shoes around at the moment that are not too high - or summery or formal. (Am i showing my age by being excited by the return of the peep-toes with bows?). Rather than the expense of a coat how about a lovely wrap? The box at ascot althogh warm inside can get cold if you stand outside to watch the races. Are you wearing a hat - because if not and you can - wear your hair up and put a lovely accessory in instead.

I was the worlds worst for feeling i had to fill silences, but no more You do actually get quite a good feeling from just sitting back and saying nothing. Anyway, actions speak louder than words.

If you feel like speaking out, just picture all the Teabags wagging a finger at you!

I will go with a week too!!

But i think you are too much like me baffy and want to keep the peace.

It is good though that you are in fighting spirit so as not to be taken for granted again. I feel you are at your best now - firm fair and confident in what you want.

YES HW! A wrap! That sounds great, I think the dress would suit a wrap too, don't you PC? Have you met PC? She is my personal stylist you know!

Also PC, don't forget that H will be prepared for the 'old PC', expecting more of the same. It's time to give him a surprise, show him what he's missing!