New Fab & Glam (Part 3 - The Quest Continues!)

[Paddlechick666]

Here we go ladies!

No - I think you're spot on TFM xx

xxx

Here's a question for you Baffy, just a thought but, how would you feel about the whole situation if you didn't have DS. Do you think you would have found it easier to accept and would have walked away with no contact or do you think you would still have longed for what might have been? xx

I think I would have still wanted him. I think I would have still fought for everything. I've just got a real problem. I love someone so much who doesn't deserve my love and doesn't feel the same way back.

The difference now is, that I think I'd have still done a lot of the forgiving and given him the chances. But at this stage I'd have walked away and never seen him again.

Having ds means that is not possible. And having to share ds on top of that and accept this future that was always my worst nightmare, makes it a million times worse.

I still think I'd have fought as much though. He was the love of my life and my soul mate. I'm not lying when I say I was truly happy. I really was.

I know that, I can sense that. Thats why it hurts you so much. I wish there was an easy answer to all this but I'm afraid I don't think there is.

Until you are ready to move on, to leave him behind you are always going to jump when he wants to see you, when he wants to join you and ds on a day out. Any excuse to see him, any invite, you will be there. You will become addicted to Hope, if you haven't already

I do sometimes, no, I do often wonder if the reason you haven't yet bought your own house is because you see that as actually moving on, giving up on 'hope' of ever getting back together with him.

Babysteps Baffy. Very gentle babysteps. xx

Thanks

The house thing is a lot more complicated than it looks - I would be out in a shot if I could. Lets face it, if I had my own place then I could actually see H more - because he's not welcome at my mums.

But since I've moved into my mum's she's been forced to take early retirement due to ill health and my step dad is very unwell. If I leave, they lose their house.
Simple as that

She knows she'll have to sell up one day as I can't stay forever and I'm only there because of what H did.

But the sad thing is that I can't just up and leave them knowing my mum will lose her home.

But I can't solve everyone's problems forever I do know that. I need to put myself and ds first. But it's an added complication and believe me, I want nothing more at the moment than my own place for me and ds and some time and space alone xx

Bless you. But you know, maybe your situation at home is stopping you from moving in on more ways than one. You work full time, you are raising DS single handed and on top of all that you have people depending on you at home. It's no wonder you still turn to your dreams of what could have been with H. I think it maybe more to do with the security you felt while you were with him, maybe it's because you felt safe and cared for. Maybe it's those feelings you long for rather than H himself.

You, my love, are under quite a bit of strain at the moment. Go easy on yourself xx

You could be right. I don't think it is H I want anymore. I despise him some days. But I miss the security like you wouldn't believe. I feel like I'm holding everyone else's worlds together. Parents, brother's, sister's, H's and my baby's, but I have no safety or security of my own.
No home. Nothing to show for all the years of hard work.
Just compromising with a house full of people night after night when all I want is the home, husband and child I always dreamt of, all the things had, and I had worked hard for, and it was all so cruely taken away from me out of the blue last year.

I lose this job, and everyone's affected.
But I'm not giving my job what it needs because I can't think straight enough to work.
It's a total and utter mess isn't it!

baffy, am [gutted] for you. totally know how you feel about the security and not wanting be a single parent and share your child etc.

you#re doing it even harder with the responsibility of your mum and step-dad's situ on your shoulders too.

i just rang and left a VM for you. you are so so so welcome here on Sat eve. we will turn up for lunch with a hangover tho

ps: just a thought but could you and your mum pool resources and buy a property with a S/C flat or annexe?

So Baffy, while in keeping everyone else's life together yours goes down the pan

How much longer do you think you will be able to keep this up? Something has got to give soon before you crack up.

Do you see the situation with your stepdad and mum's house being resolved soon? They haven't become too dependent on you have they? They are looking for other ways in which to manage without you having full responsibility?

God almighty! How do you cope! xx

Baffy - you are still in fighting mode and that is ok.

Although i do agree that you have to let h see ds and have a relationship with him i actually think he needs to prove that he can do that too. I do not think it is fair that h has a right to bring whoever he wants into ds life - if it were you with a man h did nto like for whatever reason he may find a way to use it to gain more access. Maybe this is something you could discuss with your solicitor to try and sort out access. You are not being unreasonable and maybe if they both prove themselves who knows in the future you may let her see him too. It is just about respect surely. I am sure you would respect h wishes wrt to how ds is brought up and by whom. so why should you not expect the same from him? Dont answer that.

Baffy i do believe that when you do finally move forward h will be begging you - but you have to want to really move on and not just make it a war of words to try and convince yorself.

As you know it was only after i had lost all hope and instructed a solictitor that my h came begging. Even then he was not completly truthfull but he made big enough gestrues for me to see his commitment to giving it a fair chance.

You know you can do this.

I too think you need to move into a place of your own - what would have happened/what will happen if your marriage worked/works? This really is not your problem and i do think you need to start thinking of yourself and not that you will be letting others down.

I think they are now relying on me. They understand that it's a lot of pressure for me (their mortgage is 3 times what my old mortgage was!! ) and they did have the house on the market for a while. But they're both unwell. And ultimately they don't want to move and I end up feeling responsible as my mum made so many sacrifices for me when I was growing up.

But I know that's what every parent does and she did that because she's my mum.

I think HW you have just struck a chord with me. I don't think I've ever admitted this to myself or anyone else. But I always thought that if H and I could sort out the marriage, then obviously I couldn't stay there as I would have to put my marriage first and go and be with H. So I could leave, without doing it for 'selfish' reasons, but to be with my husband and baby as a family.

And I know it's not selfish to want my own place even if it is just me and ds. My mum is an absolute star and I am the luckiest person in the world to have her. But as a 30 year old woman with my own child, as you'll all know, it's just not that easy going back home! I was supposed to only be there 2 months while my house sale went through!!

And I promise you all I really do want to move forward now. As much as I'm finding it hard to accept and deal with I know I have no other choice.

pc thanks so much for your message too - I couldn't answer in the office, I'd love to stay on Saturday that would be fantastic. I'll get back to you as soon as I can

It's not selfish to want to leave and start your new life.
Now don't jump on me for this but, it could be deemed selfish of your parents not to recognise that you have your own needs and your own life to live.

You don't need an excuse to leave Baffy, you already have a reason to leave. I can understand you wanting the best for your parents but..... anyway, you already know. You are just far too nice for your own good!

Happy Monday all

McD, how's Lily? Hope you can get some rest - and try not to angst too much about MIL & H. You've been through every mother's worst nightmare and you and Lily have come through. Just keep holding her - you're doing fine and you are being the best mother in the world !

Baffy, a HeeOOOGE hug for you. What a nightmare!! My first instinct was, take the cow to court and let her and GW wash all their dirty linen in public - but I see how hard it is for you, with residual feelings for GW. TFM as always speaketh sooth. You are carrying much to great a burden, and none of it through your fault. Be very kind to yourself.

Well my update is that, after a weekend of DP watching all the football and rugby in sight, constantly drinking whilst watching (he got through 3 bottles of wine and the remains of some sherry yesterday), he had another episode of walking off into the dark, leaving his music on so loud that I didn't even know he'd gone until I went into the kitchen to ask him to turn it down, and found the place like the Marie Celeste! God knows what upset him this time. He came home about an hour later, and all he said was, 'I went out to get some peace and quiet'. Sorry, I couldn't even laugh about it. He makes these pathetic little jokes and I'm fast losing my sense of humour.

This morning I lined up all the empties - 15 bottles, of which I must have had about three glasses since last Tuesday as I'm going off alcohol, the more he drinks, the less I do - and he never offers me a glass anymore! When he got up he asked why I looked so glum and I pointed them out to him and said, 'I'm worried for you. Really worried. Most of that is your consumption over the last 6 days - not to mention beer and shorts. I don't know any longer if I can stand to watch you killing yourself.'

Sadly, I had to go to work then, and so did he, but I hope that gave him something to think about.

However, in the scheme of things, with the problems that the rest of you are having, this seems really very trivial, so I'll shut up and go back to work.

Really looking forward to Sunday. Wagamama's?

fabulous! plenty of room, plenty of bedding (incl cot/sleeping bags etc) and so on so just bring what you need in the way of clothes etc.

i've got a travel cot you can use or you guys can go in my bed together.

oooh, very excited to have you visit. i have a bottle of cava and a bottle of tattinger altho not much cassis.

am sure we'll manage

ps: i know you feel the weight of responsibility for your mum. but, ask yourself this, would you expect ds to ever do a thing to "pay you back" for what you do for him now?
your mum loves you, she will be massively grateful for all you have done so far. but she wants you to be happy.
there are lots of options that would help you all get what you want and your getting your own place doesn't mean you'd stop being the wonderful daughter that you are.

Baffy, what would your mum & SD have done if you hadn't moved in? Could you and they consider that and see if there's a way forward along those lines?

I spent 3 months with my parents between selling my flat and completing on our house & it drove me mad - even though my parents were great. We do need oir own space!!!

They'd have lost the house about 6 months ago I think Tanee. I think they know that too

And Tanee - things sound really hard with dp right now. Do you think he actually does listen and take it in - lining the bottles up must have been a shock to see. Such a difficult situation. Not trivial at all.

PC I'm sure we'll manage too!
I'll bring a few goodies too!

I will give you a shout later to make some proper plans. I was thinking about travelling down Saturday Morning, catch up with my friends in the afternoon, then head over to you late afternoon/tea time. But let me know how that fits with your plans.

Ds and I are easily pleased. Happy to sleep on the floor/sofa - ds has a little blow up 'ready bed' which he's fine on. Or we'll sleep together in a single bed. We really do sleep anywhere! He takes after his mum for sleeping so it's great!!

Wagamamas sounds great. Will we need to book?

i've updated FB on the Wagamama situ.

your plan sounds perfect to me. if you bring his readybed he can pop in dd's room and then you can go in my room or sofa bed - whichever.

dd will be very excited to have a sleep over!

give me a call and we'll sort out the details.

tanee, sorry to hear about dp. things have been going so well. really hope you guys manage to work this out. he's been so good recently, perhaps just a momentary blip? especially after triple crown victory?

i have a bet with H that if we get the grand slam he eats his pants and if we don't, he takes me to paris. win win eh. i very much doubt he'll do either but it's a bit of fun either way.

i have a guilty secret: i have powered up my iPhone today and it is fantabulous!

Please update as to where we are going on sunday - is it easy to get to? I am going to drive i think so if you want a life dior i can pick you up and drop you off too - just let me know.

Baffy are you thinking of renting? - are you worried that your parents will be re-posessed? I do know people who this happened to before (in the eighties and they are not just thrown out onto the street). Think about what is best for you and ds now.

All on FB HW, basically Wagamama at Royal Festival Hall.

Technically we can't book but if I ring Fri or Sat they should be able to reserve us a long table.

The open at noon and suggest either noon or 12:30 latest to be sure.

This suits me very well as it fits with dd's usual lunch time.

There is parking around Waterloo/South Bank but I don't really know where or how much. I believe if you were to park a bit further up around Tate Mod it would be free on a Sunday then a stroll down the river to RFH.

PC - yes, Wales & Cardiff City have been doing far too well for his liver.

Can we have a pic of the Pants Consumption?

HW, it looks like it'll be Wagamama's by the Royal Festival Hall. We'll arrange a time on FB

noon is good for me. There's usually some free parking on a Sunday near Tate Modern.

Message withdrawn

Your weekend plans sound fab. I'm very

raise a glass to me my fellow Teabags, I will be with you in spirit