New Fab & Glam (Part 3 - The Quest Continues!)

[Paddlechick666]

Here we go ladies!

awkward bugger aren't i?

big hugs Mac, am sure you're doing heaps better than you think you are.

sorry about the MIL but thank goodness for BF eh?

you've got my number.

While they are in hospital you have to be strong and hold it all together once they get out it hits you what COULD HAVE happened to your DC...you dont need to be strong all the time...have a nice long bath and get an early night.

MILs never like to believe their precious sons can do anything wrong - who know we may be like that too one day.

You are still strong Macd and you are still coping, extremely well. This is just your body letting off a bit of steam, it's your release valve. It's got to happen now and gain or your head will blow off! Just go with it, sob til your hearts content, let it all out today and you will feel much better for it tomorrow. use it positively xx

Right, just of to put doc martins on and then i'm off to give PC a huge kick up the backside!

CC speaks wisely, you've held it all together all week and i think it's perfectly normal to let it all out now. probably very healthy. you've done brilliantly and you will keep doing brilliantly.

scuttles off to put yellow pages down trousers to fend off TFM's docs!

why oh why do I expect more of H - he phoned to say goodnight to DD1 asked how I was said not good felt very let down by MIL instead of trying to be supportive he says "oh ye like your mother rushed down" - you know what the 2 of them deserve each other - time for me to look after myself and my girls and stop caring about everyone elses feelings .....

I'm not excusing him Mac but, he maybe felt under attack and went on the defensive. Thats because he knows you are right!

He is typical of all men when it comes to emotions, weak!

Don't let all this spoil things for you. Don't let it drag you down. You are amazing and don't let him or anyone else tell you or make you feel otheriwse!

Hi all, sorry not been around again. Work manic, and have been given 3 extra shows to manage so pretty full on.

macd, so sorry to hear about poor dd2 being so unwell. Your feelings now are a very natural reaction to all that tension, upset and worry you've been through. Get it out of your system, and don't worry that it's not what you'd normally do, or react, things have not been normal recently with her being so ill. It's a coping mechanism, so just go with it, get it out, and you will be fine. Really thinking of you all...

Baffy, did you actually go to the club where she works??? Do tell!!

Can't even remember when I last posted now, it's been so long. Mr NY - the NM - was over the week before last but was weird, and despite a lovely stay in top hotel, it was all a bit weird. He is being rubbish at staying in touch, and I'm not really feeling it with him at the moment, which is a real shame.

My sister has signed me up to a dating site - mysinglefriend.com, which is Sarah Beeny's site, weirdly. Only joined it 2 days ago, so not sure yet. Have had quite a few mails and been 'added to faves' but it's all a bit scary.

As for h, well he has gone back to Sydney to see his family - and taken SG with him . However, he has phoned every day since he's been there, which he doesn't usually do. Weird. My friends over there are divided about ignoring them / reporting back to me about her, so we'll see.......

Must say though, that on Sat, before he left, he came over to mine, when he knew I was out, and left box of chocs and MD card here, which I thought was very thoughtful of him, rather amazing in fact! Oh and still absolutely no mention of divorce from either of us, which is a bit weird.

Looking forward to 16th and meeting some of the fellow teabags then, how exciting!

MIL thread here if anyone interested
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/2724/492044#9938021

ok feel ready for divorce talk any hints/suggestions ...want to try and keep amicable (is this possible) but also want to set some boundaries now - between us and childcare and finances etc

First thing I would do Mac is see a solicitor for a free half hour of advice. I would find out exactly where I stand and what I am entitled to. Just talking to someone about all this I feel, would do you the world of good.

I wouldn't be discussing anything with exDHH at this stage, we don't want it to look like sour grapes do we . I would just be remaining as calm and dignified as possibel, refuse to get into any discussions/arguments and go through all the correct channels.

You see, he thinks he can come and go as he pleases at the moment, that he can do what he wants because he thinks he has you just where he wants you, well lets show him differently!!! xx

McD

I will try and give you some advice on FB if i can remeber who you are!!

TFM is right (as usual) dont enter into discussions with him just yet not until you know where you stand.

It is a long process anyway and so no need to talk just yet.

You will feel so much better for having taken this step too. I did seek legal advice from 2 solicitors and it was fantastic in that it made me realise that all my fears were not silly after all. There is such a lot to think about when there are children involved anyway.

Take care

Last week this time I was sat in HDU trying to feed a very poorly baby hooked up to oxygen, monitors and IV's....and feeling grateful that I could hold her at all...
She now seems back to normal if a bit tired and hungry.....but I most certainly am not ..
My whole belief system seems to have been rocked ...my absolute belief that I could protect my children and keep them safe and happy, that bad things would not happen to them if I wished it hard enough...knowing something and living it is different ..
I hold her warm healthy body and am terrified that I am going to lose her to something that is out of my control, then I go and watch my elder daughter sleeping peacefully with the same fear....I know this is a normal reaction to a terrifying event but I can't seem to regain my equilibrium...

Macdoodle - saw your link - I felt fear like that when my second daughter was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect at 6 weeks old. She was always symptom free - apart from the murmur of course. She still is fine and most likely will never need treatment. When I came home from her six week check - having heard our GP say he would refer us to the hospital but that she seemed fine and not to worry - I sat down on the carpet and howled and I couldn't get up - the weight of my fear, unjustified as it was, irrational as it now seems, was such that I couldn't move. I did get up eventually of course. The fear receded somewhat over time - although I remember it as being a strong force in her first year. It faded quite a lot after we started seen the cardiologist a couple of times and I heard the same reassuring things again and again. When he said he would see her again in 2 years, then 3, now 5 - that finally made me let it go. She is fine and God willing will continue that way.
I have held my daughter and prayed so hard to keep her - and she was never even in danger that anyone other than myself would recognise. What you have seen this last week is much, much worse - but it will recede too. It will always make you cry though - I've cried writing this.

Message withdrawn

Mac, I know how you feel. After dd had her 4 episodes of apnoea the fear of losing her was crushing.

It will pass. I promise you it will fade. It will take time tho. I used to have to will myself not to sleep with dd every night.

go easy on yourself, you're reactions are totally normal.

take care of yourself along with taking such great care of your girls.

Mac, you are keeping your children safe and happy. Even when dd was in hospital, you were by her side. You are not failing your children. Sometimes, circumstances beyond our control pop up and make things a lot harder for us but, we cope, we survive and, so do our children. Don't be too hard on yourself. You did you absolute best and look, you have dd home with you! Maybe all your hard wishing did work after all. We have to look at the positives Mac. We have to stay strong and believe in ourselves. If we don't, who will? So, young lady You pull those shoulders bakc, you look at your beautiful dd's and all that you have achieved so far and, you be bloody proud of yourself!! xxx

McD

The shock for us when we heard what had happened was enough to stop us in our tracks and make us think for a while - so i can only imagine what a huge weight it must have been for you.

It is a shock and your body is telling you to now take it easy - try not to race ahead of yourself - see the beauty in today. You will slowly recover and what a tower of strengh you will then be to anyone else who faces such a crisis.

You are fantastic and are reacting in just the way any of us would be. One day your children will know, see and maybe even say the same to you. (well until they get to the grumpy teenage years - when you become the evil mother who wont let them do anything).

Heres to a happy if very windy monday.

Will get back to you soon on fb.

Macd my heart goes out to you. I really don't feel able to post too much about my situation right now as it seems pathetic compared to what you're going through. I think you're reacting in a totally natural way to the most horrendous situation that any mother can imagine.
You have to let your feelings out and acknowledge them. That is the only way that you can deal with them and find a way to move on.

I think you are doing amazingly well and I'm sending you and both dd's all my love.

Here is my update for you guys. For 2 weeks, since H's OW contacted me the last time and told me they'd been seeing each other all this time, H started to open up. Promised me that he would never ever hurt me again. He was so glad it was all out in the open. He'd been trying to end it for so long but she kept thretening to tell me. Now it was out her hold had been removed. He was never going back to her in a million years. Telling me what she was saying/doing. Showing me her texts. 'Rebuilding the trust'...

Once my sis knew about her working in this club there was no way my sister wasn't going to turn up. She's wanted a chance to come face to face with ow since day 1.

To cut a long story short. I did go. Saw enough within about 10 seconds tbh! Sis and I got a drink so decided to just finish up the drinks and leave. OW spotted me. Came over kicking off! I was really calm and said we're just finishing up and will be off. OW was screaming at bouncers to get us out. They said they couldn't as we'd done nothing wrong. Finished drinks. Sister ran to toilets. OW came up from behind me, pushed me into the wall and as I turned round, through a pint over me!

I didn't retaliate (wouldn't give her the satisfaction!), contact lenses came out and I fell to the floor. Bouncers ran over - they saw everything. They dragged her off. Took me behind the bar, bought me a drink, lots of apologies etc, and sacked her.

She came storming back over once she could get away and said 'by the way, your f'ing husband is hiding downstairs waiting for me'!!!

She'd turned up showing him all the slutty underwear she was wearing for the dancing. he, yet again, couldn't resist! Got jealous that other blokes might ask her out. And was waiting back stage for her!

He obviously then heard what happened and came upstairs to find me. Rather than ask how the hell I was, he walked over and shouted 'what the f*ck is going on'?!
Some guy saw the look in H's eyes and stepped in and said look mate, this girl has done nothing wrong (meaning me) and so H headbutted the guy!

I then dragged him out of there and he was pure evil. Screaming and shouting at me.

This goes on for a long while so i'll shut up now.

I have spoken to the police about pressing charges.

I really don't know what the hell to do though.

I really don't want to use a solicitor and drag this through court to have some judge decide when I can and can't see my baby for the rest of my life.

But H continues to keep contact with this girl. Even now. Only this morning he said 'he doesn't know' why but he can't stop the contact. He says he doesn't want to 'be with her' but he doesn't want to stop seeing her altogether.

So he is choosing her above his son. (Or that is how I see it anyway. Because how could a mother send off her child to be with someone like this? Remembering that OW once threatened me with 'your H made me abort my baby, so why should you have yours?' )

But at the end of the day he will always be ds's dad. And I want to be in control of his access. I don't want someone telling me I have to share my child with this man. I'll co-operate with access for ds's sake. But I need that to be on my terms until I feel I can trust H again (if that day ever comes).
I can't wave off my baby week after week for the rest of his life when not only do I not trust his father or his partner, but all I ever wanted was for me, him and his father to be together as a family.

I don't deserve any of this.

But I have no idea where the hell to go from here.

I can never trust another word that comes out of that man's mouth. What I saw they were both capable of last week, scared me more than you can ever imagine.

This is the man I married. The man I've known for half my life. And she has turned him into a complete stranger. The thing is though, she has only managed that because he wanted it too. He's done all this of his own free will. He's chosen her above me and ds.

I just want to move away and never see either of them ever again.

Baffy

What a nightmare - but i shall be looking for that scence on the soaps!!!!! Are you sure you are not a writer for a soap .

Keep your cool you are doing so well. I still dont think you have to 'hand' ds over to him while she is still in his life. I do think you should be very careful there as it is so easy to infuluence young minds, try and seek some sort of legal advice if only to know where you stand if things do get really nasty. It is just such a sad sad situation that no-one should ever have to go through.

We are looking to do our wills again soon - as i have just found our old ones and we both feel they need updating. We both agreed that if anything awful were to happen to either of us we would be happy for us to find new partners but the difference would be that the other would always be a 'good' part of our childrens lives not to be seen as someone to fight with. Does that make sense?

I just feel so sad for you baffy and you too mcd, as you somehow have to still have their father in their lives and try and make them to be a good part, yet you know what complete arseholes they really are.

Sweetheart, my heart goes out to you, it really does.

BUT, I just want to say, OW aside, regardless of her, because of the situation you would still have to wave DS off for access visits, you would still have to share him. I know I am probably not being helpful, I'm sorry. I just wanted to separate the two. Access to DS has to happen I'm afraid, regardless of H's disgusting behaviour and his choice of women. Of course you want the best for DS, you love him with all of your heart, you want only the best for him and you fiercely want to protect him but, he does have to spend time with H. I'm sorry

As for H what a weak man he is! Is he on drugs or something? I just can't understand why he cant see what he is doing, why he can't just walk away from her, if that is really what he wants to do.
And why is he still contacting you? Only this morning? I wish I knew what was going on in his head xx

Funny you should mention the drugs thing TFM - I've been thinking the very same thing.

Totally agree there are 2 issues.

My immediate issue - that OW is a psycho who has now physically hurt both me and H. And has verbally/via text message threatened my ds. So my immediate concern is keeping ds safe from her no matter what.

My other issue is a much more longer term one. My reason for fighting so long to keep this marriage together. And my reason for finding the strength to forgive these awful things H has done. Because I never ever had a child so that I could share him and miss out on precious time with him as he grows up. That is my number 1 problem.
(One way or another, OW will not be a problem in my life forever.)

Sharing my child will kill me.

I don't care what anyone says about 'me' time. Making the most of it etc. I work 40 hours a week, plus travel time. Ds sleeps 12 hours a night. I don't have to do the maths to show that I have precious little time with my son as it is, and I should be sharing those happy beautiful moments watching him grow with his father.
At the risk of sounding like a child - I don't want to share my baby. I had him into a happy stable marriage. Why should I suffer forever because his selfish father decided that a teenage slapper was worth more than being with his son...

(I know there is no answer to this! Just ranting. Sorry )

Believe me Baffy, I totally understand what you are saying and how you feel, I really do.

Ok, a bit more of TFM becomes public. When I split from exH he 'implied', never actually said the words but constantly implied that one day, he would take the kids and I would never see them again. He led me to believe that he would do the most terrible thing he possibly could (sorry, I can't even bring myself to write it down) I tried to get his access stopped or at least supervised but all to no avail. Until he actually did something no one would listen to me. So, the 'me' time never happened for me either. I used to spend every alternate weekend a total wreck, wondering if this was the weekend the police would be knocking at my door telling me I wouldn't be seeing my children again.

It's very hard to get the father's access denied. They would rather look at the mother and accuse her of being vindictive. These poor, poor men.

My god Baffy I don't know what to say - they both sound demented and I know how you feel...I suspect there is more going on between and OW but don't even ask ....
If you ever need to really get away there is always space for you and DS here in Cardiff just get a train or jump in car and come !!!

Thanks macdoodle and thanks so much for thinking of me when you have enough on your plate anyway.

I'm looking forward to heading down to London this weekend to see everyone and get away.

TFM I can't imagine how awful that must have been for you horrendous.
The pathetic thing is I want ds to see his dad. He's a wonderful dad. (Or 'was'!) But I want us to bring him up together. Where he's safe and protected and loved unconditionally

I know you do sweetie, and your posts today have spoken volumes. You have been so strong and put on such an amazingly brave face BUT (big but) you really haven't come to terms with things yet. You are still longing for what could have been. You haven't let go yet. My heart really does go out for you. The torment you must go through must be unbearable sometimes.

Now, you know me well enough by now to know that I only say what I think is best for you so don't be getting cross with me but, I think the best thing you can do from now on is be totally honest with how you are feeling. Don't force yourself to feel, behave or act how you think you should be feeling, behaving or acting. So what if it's ?? months since it all happened, since he left, so bloody what? There is no rule that say you have to be over him or the marriage by now. What you have to do is go through the whole process, the whole grieving, angry, ranting, crying, shouting whatever it takes business. This is one thing that cannot be rushed or forced.

You were totally in love with this man. You had what you thought was the perfect relationship, you had your future all mapped out. Suddenly, without warning or without reason all of that was violently ripped away from you. You struggle to understand why because you have never been given any clear and consise answers. H is too weak to actually give it to you straight and he is too selfish to just let you go so, he continues to keep you hanging, giving you false hope. You are still in a very vulnerable state and naturally you see a little hope in every reassuring word or act of kindness he shows you. But, whilever he is allowed to do this you are not going to be able to move on. But, then again, you have to want to move on, you have to want to write this relationship off and, from reading your posts this morning, I'm not sure that you are ready to do that just yet. You want to because you feel you should, you know the way he has treated you is disgusting beyond belief but, there is just that 'something' that keeps you holding on.

Of course, i could be totally wrong and completely barking up the wrong tree so by all means ignore me xx