New Fab & Glam (Part 3 - The Quest Continues!)

[Paddlechick666]

Here we go ladies!

ooh yes, I'm nosey too. Let us know how your talk goes. Is OW def off scene. Any further news after the note?

Sorry having re-read my post it sounds as if ihave made a mistake, that is not how it is meant to read.

I meant was not to listen to others and not to try to do things at a pace which is not right for you - i still think i was a fool to ever think that h and ow could have worked together and i wish now i had insisted on one of them leaving - as i feel she would have been out of my life easier. I also wish i had done what i needed and not worried so much about what h needed. I feel i could have 'dealt' with her better myself instead of h (and probably most mens) approach to just give it time to resolve and not confront it.

But hey ho thats all in the past, so no good brooding now.

I too am waiting for the gossip on the talk.

HW, is dh now trying to get a different job?

Hi guys

I guess the talk came about because I told him I didn't want to know anymore and I wanted to be left alone.

He then panicked a bit I think and wanted to know why I was giving up.

It didn't go too well really.

We had some tea with ds and he fell asleep. Then we ended up watching tv and having a laugh and flicking through the music channels. It was all lovely - as usual.

I then had to force the conversation. Because otherwise we'd slip into just having a nice time and not actually end up getting anywhere.

So... what did we agree on:

That we can't get back together for the sake of ds. But ds is a good incentive to try and make our relationship work.

However, we're not sure if there's too much water under the bridge now for us to ever get close again.

I'm not sure if I respect him anymore.

He's not sure if my motives for wanting to try are now misguided. Perhaps I am now only willing to try because I'm so desperate to 'win' and I'm so used to fighting for him that I can't get myself out of that mindset.
(I think this may be true)

We ended up talking until midnight. Then I got ds all dressed up in his warm clothes and got him in the freezing cold car to drive back home. And all H could do was sit there feeling sorry for himself looking all forlorn and down.
(Which just wound me up!)

I made it really clear that there is no way I would beg for him to come back again and the only way he would ever get me back would be if he did everything in his power to rebuild the trust. And to be able to do that he would have to want me, and this marriage, more than anything else in the world.

And he said he doesn't know if he does.

But the thought of divorcing me and losing me makes him feel sick.

(Not to mention that although he's no longer sleeping with OW, they are still in DAILY contact, he worries about her, and he doesn't know how long that will go on )

If he had any loyalty to me at all, she would be 100% off the scene. And she isn't!
(Although at least he's finally telling the truth on that one - albeit because he's scared of her spilling the beans if he doesn't tell me himself)

So I have no idea AT ALL where that leaves us.

aw baffy, how frustrating.

you know i'm going to empathise with you on a lot of what you've just said.

h and i do the same thing, hang out and eat dinner and chat/laugh and it's always me that forced the convo around to the less pleasant things.

whatever the outcome will be for you guys it is going to take a lot of time to get there.

i totally understand how gutting it is to be prepared to give it another go despite everything only to be faced with their indifference and inability to take action.

fwiw, i think it's too early for either of you to make that big a decision right now.

see if you can maintain an open, honest and amicable status quo for a while. if you can then there will come a time when it feels right and natural for you both to move onto the next step.

that's what i was hoping to achieve with dhh but he doesn't even seem capable of that.

if you don't want to pursue the divorce for now then don't, just make sure you're protected financially etc.

take all the good stuff and focus on that. he's being honest with you now (in good TFM advice: don't over analyse why he's being honest. he just is and accept it as a good thing). so there's the first building block of trust starting to settle into place.

use his emotional distance to really figure out what you want long term. i think it would be a lot harder for you if he did do an about face and start putting in 150% effort to win you back.

fwiw, i don't think you're ready to be won just yet and i also think that's a good thing.

your 'new' relationship needs to be built slowly on good foundations so let it grow and develop keeping ds as it's central focus for now.

at least he is willing to communicate and play and active role in ds's life.

really hope things work out how you want them to.

oh Baffy, sorry it went like that.

PC is right, about it probably being too soon. Maybe keep him at arm's length for a few months. That would really enrage me, that he's in daily contact with her. I would not be able to deal with that, nor the fact he can't even commit to trying again, becasue he wants you more than anything else, but doesn't actually want to end it. I would've felt so angry.

I may be wrong, I'm no great counselor, but while you are obviously still around and prepared to try again, he still is in a win-win situation, with you there if/when he ever makes up his mind, so he doesn't actuall yhave to iyswim.

It's so hard. I totally understand your difficulty in just shutting the door. It can never be fully shut andway cos of ds. But, the whole time it's permitting him to dither. They say you don't know what you've got till you've lost it. He's never really lost it - there's always that open door, so he can't quite get to grips with the idea of losing you, cos it's never hapened, and (possibly/probably) never fully will iyswim.

No answers or advice, just a few thoughts to chuck into the pot. How are you feeling, after the disappointing/frustrating talk?

Thanks pc

That's really good advice

I don't think either of us is ready to move either way right now
I agree, the best thing must be to leave it for the moment and see where it goes

(But you know me - I like decisions NOW! )

thanks ernest

you're so wise. you're spot on with everything you just said.

today I think I'm just feeling indifferent. angry at him. angry at myself. and wishing I really did have the strength to let him go.

perhaps the only way he would ever come back - iyswim.

and if he doesn't then it's not meant to be anyway.

but I find it so hard...

Baffy

Well done for having your say - i think the more you see him the more you will know what you really really want (sung to the spice girls!).

Does he not realise that he is not the 'first' prize anymore? - more like booby prize or the one you get just for being bothered to enter .

I think he is scared to let you go and that is why he is looking all forlorn hoping that baffy will as usual come to the resuce and make it all better.

You are absolutly right in that there should be no realationship with ow on the scene in any way shape or form - there is no tie there whatsoever. This is the mistake i feel i am now paying for the only tie h had with her was work and he was too weak to force it to be broken (or i was too weak to insist on it at the time).

Erent
H is actively looking for another job and has had some great feedback but it is not as simple as it sounds and will be a very long and drawn out process. She knows that too and now she can sit back and twist that knife whenever she wants to - i try not to let it hurt but it is a bloody sharp knife - and she is getting ever closer to h at work and i am not handling it very well i am ashamed to say.

How are you doing now ernest - any feelings about the baby - boy/girl.? And how are you getting on with your move it must be soon or have i completly lost the plot?

it is really tough isn't it? i am so torn on sending the divorce papers back at the moment. i know h will sign them in a heartbeat. rationally i honestly cannot think there is anything to recover from the current situation. rationally i want to move on and face a new bright future with h as nothing more than a slightly irritating fly buzzing in the background.

emotionally tho, i don't want to be divorced and i don't want to be officially a single mother and i don't want to think that i have absolutely no support from h.

but the reality is that i may as well be divorced, i am a single mother already and i don't have any support from h.

so why oh why oh why cannot i not just send the divorce papers off?

Thanks HW
Knowing what you're going through with OW still on the scene I 100% agree that her being totally out of the picture, in every way, is condition number 1! And I won't back down on that ever!

Baffy
You have to let him go - you know that old relationship is dead - you have shown us all such strength - this is not giving up but it is not fighting for him either - this is about getting what is right for you.

If it is meant to be then he will come begging on bended knees and if he doesnt then he really does not deserve you at all.

He knows he has done wrong but he is still not ready to move to the place where his head needs to be and start to make amends with you - he seems like he wants to make that first step but doesnt want to be beaten by you for it - silly man. I bet anything he would love to wipe the last couple of years off his life, he just needs to realise that for himself and then be able to put that into actions for you.

You are doing great - he knows you are so much stronger than him which is why he is not willing to put up that fight.

am totally with you on all of that pc

PC

It is because you feel you will have made the final move (even if he wants you to do it anyway).

Why not set a date and then give them to a friend to send them - give them to one of us on the 16th?

It is because it feels so final, at the moment you have that 'wound' that you can 'pick' at every so often to remind you. You know it is not good for you but you just cant resist it.

You will one day be able to do that - keep strong.

hw, you didn't insist on him/her leaving then, not because you were weak, but because it was/seemed at the time to be the best thing to do. You thought about it carefully. It actually took a huge amount of strength to 'let' him return to that office after everything that happened. Strength I def haven't got. I was always amazed by that.

Not weakness, honestly, really enormous strength. And now it no onger seems to be the right thing, and he's looking, and for whatever reason it will take time. That's ok. It will happen. And you will feel so differently once it does. You are being so strong coping with it.

I am starting to really look forward to baby. After several false attempts at findig out, I have given up. The boys now want a surprise. After their (female) baby cousin visited a couple of weeks ago, I feel reasured they wouldn't be disapponted. You can't choose, thank God, so I'll get what I'm given and feel happy about it. * months and 2 days

Dh has got 1 more night in Milan, the tomorrow he's off to Paris, flies, direct here, then on MOnday, starts in Munich. No sniff on our house sale, which is on the market so I guess we won't move now befre the baby, so it'll be end of July, come what may.

doh, sorry, 3 months - 6th June

Hi ladies

Not read the whole thread yet BUT, just want to say to Baffy, lovey, if you want him to really work at getting you back then make him work at it! Next time he wants a chat say NO!! You know the 'chats' don't get you anywhere, apart from feeling even more frustrated and hurt. I know it's not going to be easy, I really do, I know a little part of you probably loves it when he wants to talk to you, not only is it a chance to see him but. it's also a little bit of hope that maybe this time, he is going to say what you want to hear.
But darling, you have to show him that you mean business! Next time he wants 'a chat', you ask him what he feels there is to chat about!

Right, of to read the rest of the thread now. I just felt so angry on your behalf I had to jump in right there and then!! And I can't blame PMT today either!

Oh yes, and apologies if this got sorted further up the thread xx

Ernest
Why could you not find out what you are having? Is it being a bit shy? I am a sonographer so always nosey about babies. Its a fantastic job and i just love it. My boss tends to think the awkward ones are girls - but i had a couple last week who were boys that tucked it away and actually looked like girls, when all of a sudden their manhood popped into view. That is quite rare though - it is normally quite easy to tell, although some of the little darlings insist on making my life harder!!!

I know you will be pleased whatever anyway and i am glad the boys will take to a girl too.

Believe me you will have your hands full - it is not just like adding another one - more like doubling each time!!!!!!!
4 is so hard - so make the most of the last few months and train those boys to run around for you .

boys are (in general) being fab and considerate, as much as 8, 7 & 4 yer old boys can be. Bless them

Baby trying every trick in book to scupper my chances and frustrate me, turning back, showing bottom, but not 'front' (poor little thing - no dignity even in utero!) knees firmly together etc so being shy/stubborn. never mind.

OK. I'm back. Much calmer but, feeling so very sad for all of you. I just wish I had a magic wand.....

Baffy, I agree with what everyone has said. Great advice. Especially about letting him go. You wouldn't want him anyway, knowing you didn't completely have him. It's not going to be easy for you, I know that but you knwo, you don't have to let him go in your heart, just your mind. You have to let him believe you have let him go, you have to give him the space to come back to you. Because he wants to. Meanwhile, you use that time to your won advantage, to work out what it is you really want. Do things for you!. Buy yourself a nice house and make a home for you and DS. Create a lovely life for yourself. You never know, at the end of it all, by the time you have H knocking on the door, you might not even want him You have 'grown' so much in the time that I have known you and thats not over yet. You have rally to start out on your single life, i.e. get your own plave and really embrace being single. Up until now you seem to have been trapped in Limbo, somewhere between being single but waiting for H to come to his senses. Well, stop waiting now. Live your life and enjoy it! Let H see that your world does not revolve around him!! (and no, I don't mean go diving into another relationship! Find 'yourself' first) xx

PC. Only send the divorce papers when you really feel you want to be divorced from him. Don't send them if you have any doubts whatsoever. Put them on the side, forget about them for a while, in fact forget about him for a while!!! Remember, he is only a small peice of the pie, not the whole of it. Don't let him dominate your every thought. From now on, it's about you! Whatever is meant to be, will be xx

HW I think you are amazing. You cope so well (outwardly) with H still working with SG but, I do tend to read between the lines a little and I get a feeling that this causes you a lot of pain. Is there not a solution to this, one that would give you some peace. Would H consider or is it a possibility that he could get a new job? I think you are in need of and deserving of some inner peace! xx

Hi guys

Not sure whether to post this but I know some of you were worried and I feel I should just let you know - macdoodle's dd2 was admitted to hospital on Sunday with meningococcal septicaemia. She's been very poorly.

Thank God, she's started to improve now and they're hoping to come home at the end of the week.

Oh Gosh! Thank you for letting us know Baffy. Poor MacD. As if she hasn't got enough on her plate!

I know

Can't stop thinking about them today.

(And thank you for the excellent advice TFM - that's exactly what I'm thinking of doing. And don't worry - there is no way I'll even look at another man for a long time now! Being alone is definitely what I want and need.)

TFM

He is looking for another job - it is just not so easy and i may fb you with more details - he hates working there now too and the easy solution is to just say sod it and leave but we have somehow got ourselves trapped in.

I do need some inner peace and most of the time i do have it - i tend to over dramatize the times when i dont - i kow it is black and white thinking - its all gone wrong is the feeling and that just insnt true.

I too need to look at the whole picture and take care of my happiness - but i am sure you understand that with 4 children my needs come pretty far down the list - even though i know i need to put myself first more.
Easier said than done though.

I will try harder though and i think i will set myself some goals for the next week. I have already started planning the easter hols (so that i can keep my sainity throughout them). H is taking some time off too so it should be good - just looking up last minute deals.

My dc now want to be cultered and fancy a trip to paris to see the eifel tower and mona lisa!!

OMG thanks for letting us know Baffy give her all our love and let us know how she doing please.