New Fab & Glam (Part 3 - The Quest Continues!)

[Paddlechick666]

Here we go ladies!

I'll drink to that PC!!!
Sorry your evenings crap too MacD - hope you hear from your sister soon.
I've replied on FB PC

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Good Morning Teabags and a Very Happy Mothers Day to you all! (and that is regardless of the tossers you may have in your lives! Today is aboyt YOU, not them1)

PC have replied to you on FB, prepare yourself, it's a long one!

MacD. I hope the baby is much better toaday and that DD returned home safely and that you got rid of the menstruating dog! yeuk!

Right ladies, when this is all over and you are all feeling strong and in a good place, we are going to have discussion on why, when you have so much fantastic stuff is your lives, especially your beautiful DC's, so much of your time is spent feeling shyte because of the tossers who choose to throw away the best thing that has ever happened to them. It just doesn't make sense does it? No, it doesn't so, we are going to work it out once and for all!! Input will be required from everybody, no exceptions, so let me know when you are ready and we will being the journey of creating the stringest Teabags that life has ever seen!

Lots of love and please, chin's up! Don't let the tossers bring you down to their level!! xxx

That should be strongest teabags by the way! All the spelling errors should indicate the passion and anger i was feeling while i was typing

TFM you are so masterful. You should be a teacher
I do hope that all of us Teabags can forget about these stupid men for the day and enjoy our children. That's what today is all about. I'm trying my best, we've baked cakes, I've cooked sunday roast and soon I'm off to spend the rest of the day with my wonderful Mum, who is also my best friend and my Nan.
Look forward to the discussion TFM - have a nice day yourself

Thank you Ginnedup

That's a lovely post, I hope you had a good rest of MD with your mum.

I'm off to do my lesson plan now for the Teabags Tosser Training xx

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Hi Everyone

Well i had a good weekend - h took dd to fly a kite, yesterday - i had a lovely afternoon at the ballet with dd1.

H has opened up a bit more now and has said that ow has been lurking around him a lot recently - getting in the lift at the same time and so on. He is feeling a bit nervous but we have discussed it and he is not going to rise to any conversation which is not to do with work.

I think she is working up to the 'you owe me an explantion, and tell me why?' questions.

It is weird how my gut feel is so spot on again. i have felt there has been 'something' not quite right for the past couple of weeks.

Anyway hope everyone has a good week. unfortunately i think i am going to spend the morning in casulty as dd2 has a hurt her foot and has kept me up all night, i think she may have a thorn in there but she will not let me get near it.

Hi HW. You must always trust your gut instincts, always! Don't ever doubt yourself, that way nothing will get past you.

I', glad you had a lovely weekend and hope DD is ok xx

Hi Dior, don't worry too much about missing H's calls, it will keep him on his toes it will do him good to realise that you don't just sit at home thinking about him while he is away. xx

Hi everyone

Sorry you're all having such a crap time of it at the moment

PC I will get onto FB tonight and catch up. how was your mother's day in the end? Did your brother turn up? Did you hear from H?

Macd how are the girls? Is the lo any better?

Ginnedup I know what you mean - it's not your problem but it still hurts like hell doesn't it.

Dior have you managed to speak to H yet?

HW it's great he's really opening up to you and you know what's going on. Sounds like he has the right approach and I've no doubt she will hang herself in the end. Hopefully just as your H walks away into a brand new job too!

TFM how was your mother's day?

I had a lovely mother's day. Stayed strong and didn't go to H's. Even though part of me wanted to. But I felt much better for sticking to my guns.
Had a lovely day with ds. Gorgeous roast dinner. And an early night. Perfect!

Hi Baffy My MD was lovely thank you, I got lovely cards, gifts and flowers. I still cleaned and cooked though but I didn't mind, I like being in charge!

I'm pleased that you had a lovely day too and that you didn't give in to H. Well done you! Now, you need to get in training for Father's Day, I don't want any of the Teabags with Tosser's going OTT when it comes to his day. Nope! We will not be 'buying' approval, affection or otherwise! {wink]

hi everyone, glad you had a good MD baffy & TFM. Sorry yours sounded spectacularly horrible mcd

No time to re read whole thread! DIor - your dh away?
HW thinking of you. YOu must be so strong to deal wih what you're having to deal with.. Thinking of oyu

xx

hi ernest - how are you?

xx

p.s. TFM - 'father's day?' what's that?!

hi everyone

hope everyone's okay and had a nice day yesterday.

my brother redeemed himself by clearing out my shed and we went to the tip so that's good.

we had a fabulous family lunch with heaps to eat and both teens were reasonably well behaved! dd had a ball and my mum brought me a card, flowers and chocs which was lovely.

i barely thought about h all day but then there wasn't much time! i did all the cooking and the clearing up but like TFM, I didn't mind!

Had a cute MD card in the post this morning which h must've posted on Friday or Saturday i guess. it has given me twinges of guilt but more sad than anything that it looks like we've even managed to lose the amicable footing we'd got.

thanks for the texts again this morning TFM. how's the lesson planning coming on?

i just cannot deal with him like this tho. it's like an elaborate form of reward, if i play nicely so does he. if i object to his behaviour (ignoring text/call & hanging up on me) he immediately withdraws entirely.

it's perfectly reasonable for me to be upset about his behaviour but the way he reacts makes me think i've been unreasonable, it's all my fault and i should have been more patient/tolerant etc etc.

it's a form of control and i don't like it.

MacD, how're you doing?

HW, glad things are coming out in the open now. very glad that dh is talking to you about it even if it has taken a little while for the whole story to come out. you do deserve a medal for your support of him. hope dd's foot is better now.

are you in germany yet ernest?

dior, glad h made such an effort to get hold of you. hope you managed to speak to him later on? did you both see the irony in the fact that you were out with ds doing something "family" and "energetic" when he called? after all the badgering for family cycling last year

GUP, glad you had a nice day too. You speak wise words about TFM eh!

I wonder if Tanee's dd crafted something fabulous!

Hope all the other teabags are doing okay. Thinking Lilyloo, Lillybubble, Sugar and SG, haven't hear in a little while so hope you're all okay.

PC could all this 'thinking' of yours be because you feel just a tad guilty (hate that word!) at thinking the worst of him but then getting a card? (don't shout, I could be wrong, it has been known ) and, you don't want to be wrong!

He sent you a card. That's nice.

He didn't reply to your text and then he hung up on you. How do you come to the conclusion that you were the cause of any of that? Anything could have been going on at his end, he could have been in the middle of a really bad time. It is not always your fault you know sweetheart You can only be controlled by someone if you allow yourself to be. FWIW I don't think he is playing games with you, that he is controlling you, I think he is still wrapped up in himself. It was great that he sent you a card, considering his past behaviour you have certainly made progress with him. Please, don't let overthinking and second guessing spoil all your hard work xx

TFM, yep i do feel guilty because he did send a card. I also feel guilty because I had a go at him for not responding to my text/call and only picking up the phone because he didn't recognise the number and lying about not having got the earlier text/call.

I guess I had expected a card on Saturday after things had been going so amicably. I'm annoyed with myself for losing my cool with him but I'm also annoyed that because I lost my cool he's withdrawn entirely again.

I did text him this morning as the maintenance wasn't paid in and I made reference to his comment wrt to dd on Saturday. He just asked for my bank details.

I won't let myself wallow in this, I'm just sad that we seemed to have reached a place of friendship but he rejected that again on Saturday.

Ho Hum

Lesson one

Overthinking and second guessing. Are you guilty of this? Your phone doesn't ring, it doesn't beep to signal the arrival of a text. He is in your mind. You don't invite him in there, he just 'is'. Then it starts, the overthinking, the second guessing. Where is he, who is he with, what is he doing, why has he done it, why does he do it. The list is endless. The silence is deafening. It leaves a huge gap which you fill with your own thoughts. Place him in certain scenarios with certain people doing certain things. You find yourself getting more and more wound up, upset. Then, the phone rings/texts. It's him. In your wound up state you give it to him with both barrels. He cops the sharp end of your mood. Of course, he doesn't have a clue why, a clue as to what he has done, he gets defensive and so, the hostility continues.

By the end of lesson one we will have learned not to fill in the gaps with our imagination. Unless we see it with our own eyes or hear the words coming out of his mouth, we do not give such thoughts headspace. We do not give him power or control by default!

How's that for Lesson one Ladies

Ok PC, you have to let it go. You have to not beat yourself up about this. Ok, you maybe didn't handle it as well as you could have. Personally, I wouldn;t have made reference to saturdays comment until we were in a good place again. I'm not saying you have to let things like his comment go, certainly not! You just have to choose your moment. Today wasn't good because he (even if you find it difficult to believe) is probably feeling guilty himself but is too much of a 'man' to face up to it. His defenses will have been up already BUT, looking at this with a positive slant, he withdrew so, the situations didn't escalate, which is good.

I bet right now you are wanting all of this sorted and you are wanting things back to how they were a couple of weeks ago. Don't worry, all is not lost, but you will have to bide your time a little. And, when you do contact him, try to make it about something non confrontational, you could even just ring to see how he is. Don't mention maintenance or anything else, just say you are ringing to see how things are, listen to him, bit of nice conversation then say goodbye. Then you have redeemed yourself

When you have won back his trust, the next time you meet up for a coffee or meal, thats when you are safe to tell him how hurt you were by his comment. PHew, it's hard work all this relaionship stuff innit!

BUT, STP beating yourself up. What is done is done! You can't change what's already happened xx

Happy Monday girls !

Baffy, can I join the teabags clubnight visit to see OW?

So sorry some of us are having a rotten time again. Thanks heaven for the calming sense that TFM always brings to this thread. You certainly make me feel better!

Well, DD didn't manage a card - or anything - she's so bogged down in coursework and revision that she just gave me a hug and said sorry that she didn't have time to get or do anything (she was probably feeling bad because my sister was staying with us, and her own dd had produced a cute card and home made biscuits in a tin foil covered box). So I gave her a big hug back and said that as far as I was concerned, every day was Mother's Day as it was so great to have a daughter like her and anyway we're so strapped for cash that I didn't want her spending her money on me. A hug was appreciation enough.

Is that a bit cheesy?

But I had a fabulous time on Saturday night -my friend's husband did his Special Birthday 'thing' for me - he buys a load of cards and sends them to famous people, with a covering letter to ask if they'll sign them for a friend who's got a special birthday coming up. He usually gets an excellent response, and so I got 15 cards from famous people - some with really nice personal messages (Jo Brand, I love you!) - yes, Jo Brand, Alison Moyet, Zoe Wanamaker, Julian Clary, Terry Wogan (my Mum is green with envy, she really likes Terry) and a host of others. I shall have to make a scrapbook!

I could complain that DP stayed up so late on Friday night that he couldn't do more than the vacuuming on Saturday and then went back to bed and left me to do all the cooking, but I can't be bothered. The nice evening I had was enough and frankly, I sometimes get tired of moaning...

not cheesy at all Tanee. I was very lucky this year and was overwhelmed with MD gifts but, a hug would have been enough for me too. I don't need a special day for my children to make me feel special (now that has to be cheesy!)

Anyway Tanee, when you moan there is only you who hears it cos everyone else shuts their ears so, it's quite a pointless exercise anyway. The best way to get anyones attention is to put your coat on and disappear for an hour.

Thanks TFM . I would get my coat and go, but that's DP's usual trick, so I prefer to cuddle up on the sofa with a girlie DVD and do some knitting !

Tanee what a lovely response to your dd. You're a brilliant mum.

And how excellent do those cards sound! I'm glad you'er getting spoilt for your birthday, you really deserve it. First drink is on me on the 16th!!
(And as for dp - well nobody's perfect and it takes too much energy to moan doesn't it!)

You can definitely join the trip to see OW!

PC if I start ranting here I'll never stop, but fwiw I do believe it's a form of control the way your H is being with you.
(Now that's not to say I don't agree with TFM - fwiw I think the whole idea of not changing people, but changing the way we respond to them, is absolutely spot on).

However, I do believe he's controlling you. Perhaps not 100% deliberate. i.e. it's not a calculated 'controlling' behaviour. But it's like my H - if I react in a negative way to his behaviour he cuts off the contact. Stops communicating. And pretty much gets this subborn 'f*ck her' attitude.

If I am responsive to him and calm and understanding. He 'rewards' that by being open with me.

The upshot is, that I remain very calm and dignified, even in the face of total and utter crap, because I know I'll never get what I want from him if I don't.

OW on the other hand, can rant and rave til the cows come home. Treats him like shit. But he lets her off because 'that's just her'

I know that he wouldn't put up with all that off me because he knows I'm strong. But because she's a psycho nutter bitch he lets her off!

Anyway - I think it is very subtle mind games. You be nice to me and I'll be nice back. You make me feel like shit for what I've done and I'll retreat into my hole and hide.
Yet again - it forces us to be the strong ones and hold it all together.

And why do we let them do it. Because we love them. And nothing anyone can say can change that. We will come to our own natural conclusions about the relationships in the right time. But until then they still have the power to turn us into blubbering wrecks or make us so angry that we could kill everyone!

But that's not your fault. Please remember that.
It takes a pretty selfish person to treat someone like you so cruelly. He doesn't even realise the strength it's taking from you to remain amicable. He expects it. Because that's what they're used to from us. And you can't make him wake up and see the energy and effort that takes. Unfortunately

Perhaps we are 'safer' in that world where there isn't even a friendship. Then there's no expectations and we can't keep getting hurt.

I think the card was a positive step forward. It really was. Perhaps enjoy the positive when it happens. But don't expect it.

I expected nothing at all from H. He's not my son afterall! I actually asked him not to get anything.
He turned up last night with a gorgeous bunch of my favourite flowers and a really thoughtful gift and a card from ds.
Luckily I was already in bed with ds so I didn't have to see him.
But all it made me think was 'ooh, lovely flowers, and that gift will come in really handy'. It meant absolutely nothing more. What would mean something is if he acknowledged what he's done to me, and actually started doing something positive to make things better...

Will they ever do that though...?!

Million dollar question!!

(I did rant in the end didn't I!! )

Hi

DD asleep on the sofa (wish i was!!). She had a huge thorn in her foot, no wonder she wouldnt walk and was so grumpy last night and this morning. So now i feel like crap unsympathetic mum as usual.

Now think ow is 'hanging' around h office in the hope that someone will get suspisious and maybe even tell me!! Of course h doesnt think along these lines and is just seeing her as being anyoying and in the way a bit. He is finding it hard as he doesnt want to be outwardly nasty to her in front of everyone but she is making him nervous when she is nice because he doesnt want to give her the wrong signal.

I just wish she would disapear forever but i guess the feeling is mutual.

Can i book to see stripping ow too?

Your place is booked too HW!

Hope dd is ok poor thing. Sounds sore.

Think we should book a nice one way ticket to somewhere far far away for your H's OW and mine!!!