New Fab & Glam (Part 3 - The Quest Continues!)

[Paddlechick666]

Here we go ladies!

Message withdrawn

That would be lovely dior - are you going for the meet up in march too? I am really hoping too and have booked it in the diary so unless some disaster happens i will be there.

Hi everyone

HW gald you're feeling a bit better.

Dior it's lovely to see you so positive too - don't be too hard on the new boss Sounds like he's not too bad at all. And we all have our 'moments' when we're stressed or tired. It's great that you enjoy your job so much - very

TFM I like the way you're using the dining room to your advantage
Is dp still in the bad books though? Anything we can help with?

lilyloo great to hear from you. Does sound like you have your hands full! Sounds like you're doing great though. I'm always full of admiration for people who have more than 1 child - I could barely get myself and ds washed, dressed and out of the house before 2pm for about 6 months!!

I'm having a weird time. Head truly messed up! Had a bit of a 'moment' with H on Friday, when we seemed to connect for the first time in a long time. It was a tiny glimpse of the potential that's still there in the relationship. And it was really difficult tbh. I range from wanting to collapse in his arms... to wanting to beat him up for putting SG ahead of his own wife and baby for 18 months! How does someone do that. After 14 years together. How do you just meet someone new and within 2 months walk out on your wife and child!!!

Haven't given statement to police. But haven't backed down on H and FIL's access either. So it's supervised access or nothing for the time being. It's good that they're accepting it without question though, as it's not about to change any time soon.

NM is pestering too. Saying he'll wait as long as it takes. Wants to do whatever he can for me. Wants nothing more than to be there and help me through...

Arghhhhhh!! Why can't I find the strength to get rid of both of them and start again!

Funny thing is that I do actually want to be alone at the moment. Completely alone with only myself and ds to worry about. That sounds like bliss!!!!!

hi everyone

sorry haven't been around, last week was very busy at work.

sorry to hear about the worries and heartaches that are still present for some of you.

baffy am totally at all that is happening with you right now. you know where i am if you need to talk/escape anytime.

dior, i'm glad things are going so well for you. you deserve it that's for sure.

h is coming over tonight to babysit as i have to go out. it's a massive step and i'm really pleased, but........

always a but eh!

i am seriously considering having the divorce conversation with him again tonight. at the end of last week his communications were all about his worries, on saturday he didn't respond at all altho he did call yesterday and apologise.

again a massive improvement but i have done some thinking and i am beginning to think it's just best to divorce and look to the future as friends and co-parents.

H is doing better and I am glad that we appear able to keep in touch and it is good to feel like he can help out occasionally.

but, so much time has passed and so many awful things have happened. he doesn't want to dredge them up but i cannot forget how he walked out when i was 6.5m pg and again when dd was 3 weeks old.

how he has lied, gone awol, not turned up, abandoned me at the dr, gone behind my back etc.

i realise i can never truly trust him again. i don't want to put myself in that awful, anxious, sick place of wondering where he is, if he's done a runner etc etc.

i can't just move on and forget all those things that have happened and he isn't prepared to put the effort into helping me forget. in fact, he thinks it's all in the past now altho he has talked more openly and honestly about it all recently.

so i think it's just best if we accept that there's not going to be any other future than as friends and parents.

it is hard tho, when i see him and we have a hug and he appears to be the man i married. sometimes i just think i shouldn't rock the boat, that what we've got now is 100% better than a year ago.

gah! i dunno know! what i do know is that thought of his moving into my place is anathema to me! so i really can't be that keen on getting back together can i?

i just can't be bothered going back into heartbreak arena for a very very slim chance, i'd rather preserve the friendship we at least seem to have right now.

sorry for rambling...........

Hi everyone

Hi Baffy, yes, he is still in the bad books. Lets just say he is getting a little reminder of how inconsiderate it is to be selfish. He will be on his knee's by the time I have finished with him!

I saw your photo's on FB. They are lovely! Can I ask you (you know I will anyway do you think you are with NM because you actually want to be or could it be that you don't want to hurt him by rejecting him? I just wonder if your heart is actually in it with NM and if you are maybe using him as come kind of sheild between you and H IYSWIM? A way of protecting your heart maybe?

PC I know that what you are going through right now is probably doing your head in, driving you nuts but, I think you have come such a long way! You seem to be thinking so much clearer and, all your reasons for ending your marriage are valid. There is no anger, which is good, it's all about you and what you want which is great! If you want to go ahead with the divorce then you must do so. You must do what is good for you. You are incontrol now, don't let H take control by default!
AS I keep saying, divorce is not the end, it is the start of a while new relationship with him. I hate to be blunt but, how H feels about you divorcing him is his problem and fo rhim to deal with, it's not for you to postpone it just to save him from having to deal with something his actions and lack of consideration caused in the first place. SERMON OVER!

Hello

I don't think I want to be with NM at all. In theory he can offer me everything I so desperately wanted, the security, love, family, stable future... But deep down, he doesn't make me happy. Stupid little things continue to irritate me.
But at the same time he is a lovely caring bloke. He's just too set in his ways. Our personalities just don't seem to compliment each other
(Except in the bedroom department!! )

I know 100% that my issue is that I don't want to break his heart. I don't want to let him down when he feels like I'm the 'one'. I know that's how he feels and that's why he's putting up with all of this. He thinks I would be the perfect wife and mother to his children (that he so desperately wants). And he adores ds.
I just don't want to hurt him
But he doesn't make me happy.

H, on the other hand, has treated me like crap for 18 months. Has done things that go beyond all reason and hurt me in the worst possible ways. Left me homeless. And if I was with him there's no doubt I'd be penniless too!
But there is a connection there. A closeness. True happiness when we laugh together. Nothing irritates me! The man can do no wrong!!
FGS it must be love if I'm even contemplating taking him back after all this!!!

But what I truly believe now is that neither of them are right for me. Me and NM just aren't compatible. And H does not deserve to be with me when his morals, loyalty and selfishness can cause him to hurt me so badly.

But where does that leave me... not wanting to hurt NM. But not wanting to be with him! And wanting H and I to have a chance at this family we created. Loving him so much. But deep down believing that he doesn't deserve that chance anymore, it's gone way too far, and I should move on!

Work that one out!!!!

PC you sound so strong and in control now. Do you have to do anything right now? Could you give it the 6 months that you and H decided on, before actually going through with signing the papers.

To be fair I completely understand why you don't want to put yourself back in that vulnerable position. He's capable of breaking your heart, and dd's, and has had more chances than he deserves. So while you are actually now settled, and feeling some sense of normality and security, it's completely understandable that the thought of even having him back in your life fills you with dread.

I do think your H has missed the boat. I think he pushed you to the absolute edge, and he's coming back too late.

I bet if you give it the 6 months you'll probably then have no doubts in your mind. And I'm pretty sure you'll still go for the divorce. Because even though he is communicating 'better', it's a long way off being good enough.

No harm in letting him know in no uncertain terms that you still intend to go through with the divorce. But lets see how he now copes with that knowlegde. Will he pull out all the stops to get you back. Will he keep to his word. Or, more likely, will he do his best when it suits him, and then let you down when it really matters...

Only time will tell. But if you have even an ounce of uncertainty, then you don't have to do anything right this minute. Let him know your intentions. Then leave the ball in his court while you get on building a happy new life and future for you and dd...

Ok here goes.

You are going to have to end it with NM as soon as possible. You are with him only because you don't want to hurt him but, the longer he is with you, the more attached he gets, the harder he is going to fall when you do finally end it. Not only that, feeling the way you do about him he is going to irritate the hell out of you. You are going to find yourself picking up on little things and getting annoyed with him fo rno apparent reason. You will start to resent him.

I also think that being with NM will, in a way, push you closer towards H. You will find yourself comparing NM to H and will quite possibly not be able to look at your situation with H quite so objectively. You will have someone to compare him to that does not hit all the right buttons so, he naturally is going to look the better choice.

I think your wanting to be alone is great. I agree that is probably what you need right now, some time just for you. You seem (????) to be in quite a good place at the moment, one where you would maybe enjoy beig alone, reflecting upon things.

Also, as far as H is concerned, I think there is nothing wrong at all in still being in love with him and in contemplating taking him back. Yes, he has made some stupid mistakes, he has tried to protect you by lying to you but in effect has hurt you more than ever, he has invited that lunatic woman into your life blah blah blah but, maybe you don't want to spend the rest of your life punishing him for it, maybe, in time, by progressing just as you are, you will find that you are prepared to give him another chance. At the moment you are probably too scared, you would love too but 1) you don't want him to feel he has got away with it, you want him to pay the price for it and 2) you are protecting your heart, which is totally understandable.
I've waffled again but, what I am trying to say is, as far as H is concerned you don;t have to make any decisions just yet. You are enjoying spending time with him and you are laying the foundations of your new relationship with him. One day, it will all fall into place, you will realise that you wither do want to be with him, give him another chance or, you don't. There's no rush xx

AND, you know what I always say "do not cut off your nose to spite your face"

Thanks TFM

I know you're totally right (as usual! )

I don't want to rush things with H. I really do want to be alone right now. I want him to understand that I won't be treated this way, I do want him to suffer and see the consequences of his actions. I don't trust him at all right now. And he needs to start rebuilding that trust somehow.
The only way I would ever take him back is if he wanted me 150% and showed me that he did.
He doesn't want me in that way right now. So there is no future for us the way things stand.

Some time apart. Us both totally alone (no NM or nutter woman) is what we both need in order to work out what we both really want. That could go either way. For both of us.

But how do I end it with NM. Seriously. Every time I try, and point out what's wrong and why I'm not happy, he just aplogises for England and says he knows what he's like, he's sorry, and he'll try harder.
Last week (after a stupid stupid argument over nothing) I just said I felt that our relationship was a struggle. A real 'effort'. And that's not what relationships should be like.
And he said 'ok, if you don't think I'm worth the effort then finish it with me'...
That just made me and I backed down again!
I'm ashamed to say, I don't think strong enough to end it!!!!!! Even though I know it's for the best. I'm not being fair on him

Messed up last line...
I don't think I'm strong enough to end it.

Awh bless you BUT, there you go again, being too nice for your own good, look where that got you last time!

Now look, if you ever do want a relationship with H, you know that you are going to have to be stronger than have previously been. You know that you are going to have to show him you are a force to be reckoned with and that he cannot manipulate you ever again.

Well, same applies to NM. He is manipulating you in his own sweet way and, I so hate to say it darling but, you are allowing him to. You really do have to start as you mean to go on. If you are finding it so difficult to be your own person with NM you wouldn't stand a chance at the moment with H. See this as therapy, as practice.
I know how you feel, it's not nice having to find another side after being a nice person all your life but look, where does being a nice person get you? Trust me on this!!!! Being nice is all well and good but, it's better when it's yourself your'e being nice to

Right, now the lecture is over, here is what you do. You ring NM and you tell him that you have decided that you need to be on your own. You do no go into detail, you don't owe him an explanation and, you do not give him an opening to be able to make this about him. It's about you NOT him. Thank him for understanding and wish him well for the future then say goodbye. Keep it short and sweet. I can imagne that you (just like me) would keep talking until you felt you had made him understand and until you felt you could come away feeling he didn;t think bad of you. Well, we are not going for that anymore. He will be history, what does it matter if he likes you or not. Thats for him to deal with.

Yes, I know, totally against the grain but, what you have done previously doesn't work does it. So, it has to be changed!

Crikey, i can be soooooo ruthless!!! xx

As for H, totally agree with everything you said. It's ok though if you are working towards getting back together you don't have to care about what anyone else thinks, it's no one elses business. I for one can totally understand where you are coming from as I am sure most of the teabags will.
Just look upon this as a secondment whilst you retrain the old dog!

Am I allowed a glass of wine (or two!) before making the call?!!

I know I need to do it. I really do. You're right, I don't want him to hate me. But really, if we're over and I never see him again, I guess it doesn't matter!

NO! your reserve will be low. One glass of wine and i'm anybodies so i know!

Okay, just the one to calm your nerve. But, you must do it as soon as possible, no point putting it off. You will feel so much better when you have done it xx

Roll up Ladies!!

Am running a book - will Baffy do the dumping deed or not.

Place your bets now!

Ok just one large small glass then...

Leave it with me...

hi again, work is crazy at the mo. barely a second to get on MN

thanks for the views Baffy adn TFM. I guess I have to do something about the divorce papers so part of me is thinking just forge ahead and get it done. Also I have to protect myself financially.

2 weeks ago I was prepared to put it on hold after having a lovely evening with lots of honesty etc with H. in retrospect i would have expected him to "ramp" things up a bit if he were really interested in getting back on track.

he hasn't and i haven't been particularly bothered that he hasn't. speaks volumes doesn't it?

TFM, yep there's hardly any anger anymore. even on Saturday when he didn't respond to my messages it wasn't enough to do more than mildly irritate me.

Baffy, i think you're right H has missed the boat on this one . i think i'm just too exhausted by all that has happened to summon the energy to drive this forward.

"it" shouldn't need driving forward and at the very least if "it" does then H should be doing the driving.

like you say Baffy, it should be 150% shouldn't it?

there's a part of me that does want to define the future for us and i guess i feel we have to divorce to do that. otherwise things are still no ambiguous aren't they?

it wasn't so long ago that every single behaviour from H could send me into a different kind of tailspin. i am so loathe to go back to that. it seems ancient history but it's not really.

anyways, we'll see how this eve pans out.

good luck with your mission to baffy, really hope it goes okay. fwiw, i think you're doing the right thing. i think you'll benefit from some time where neither you or h have any outside influences to dictate how you should relate to each other.

let the dust settle and focus on being friends again, co-parents and rebuilding some trust out of the friendship. that's what i am hoping will happen for me.

Hi all,

Well, the bag and dress are completed and being handed in today. Both looked so much better - I shall have to post photos of the bag as the teacher sewed it, and the bag as completely remade by us, so you can all bow to it ! And I want a cut of that teacher's salary!

Baffy, good luck with the dumping. It will seem a cliche to tell him, 'It's not you, it's me', but it will be true. I had a similar bf who I realise now was a 'bridge' or catalyst to get out of a destructive relationship I was in (my stalker exbf) - we got on really well but it just didn't feel like he was 'the one'. It got a bit messy as I couldn't make up my mind to ditch him or not - and what I should have done, with hindsight, was have a period with NO bfs at all. We managed to remain friends for several years (he was the friend who married a Russian, disastrously) - but it was difficult at the start.

So think of NM as your 'bridging relationship' and be fair to him - let him go. He'll survive even if he acts like it's the end of the world.

Thinking of what others have said, I do think we instinctively 'mother' men - and don't always get the fathering we would like - they just lap it up - and behave like kids! It's hard to pull up short and think, no, I've given enough, listened enough, forgiven enough - now it's MY turn!

Having said that, DP has been a sweetheart this past week. We had a weekend to ourselves as DD went to her father's, and didn't do very much, breakfast in bed , a romantic trawl round Sainsbury's and an afternoon in front of because the rugby (Wales doing well & I did a lot of knitting ) but spent lots of time together (did a read-through of 'A Winter's Tale, which I found so dull in places that I literally fell asleep mid-sentence and had to apologise as in my sleep I started talking gibberish, but he laughed) - he said he was very grateful that I'd made the time for us and that it had been lovely. So I'm looking forward to a nice romantic day in Brighton tomorrow, to make up for becoming so old!

Fubsy, lol at the decorating. We got as far as buying paint samples for our bedroom a month ago, then had the major row and done nothing since!

Also PC, there could be just a little element of now you have got him more or less where you want him, you find you don't want him anyway

Maybe all you needed was for him to acknowledge you, show you some respect and consideration. Now he has you feel satisfied and able to move on.

How lovely if that is the case. No bad feeling, parting as friends. Perfect! xx

Tanee I just want to wish you a very happy birthday for tomorrow, just incase i miss you. Have a super day! xxx

TFM, lol, maybe.

Altho it's not so much the not wanting him but the not wanting the stress of it all. The anxiety that I know would always be present etc.

Some of what has been said on the thread just rang some bells for me. The going forward and always having the past colour your future etc.

It would be nice to part friends tho. I think it will always have to be me the does the deed tho as I think H lives in cloud cuckoo land and whoever he's with at that moment in time probably makes him happy.

Tanneee, glad to hear you guys had a lovely weekend.

Here's wishing you a fabulous day tomorrow. Can't wait to help you celebrate later on next month.

PC wow you seem so much stronger i really hope it works out well for you - divorce is only a piece of paper anyway but it will protect you too fincially, and even once the wheels are in motion it can take a long time, and you can always put a stop to it at a later date. Good luck with tonight anyway.

Baffy - well i know exactly how you feel - but do take the time to really get to know what you want - for so long you have wanted him to come back but make sure if he does it is what you want and you get the proof you need (dont feel guilty about what it is you need - even if it is to see sg suffer). It will be a hard relationship with h now whatever but if you are going to try and get the trust back be prpared for a very bumpy ride, which you may not be up to just yet.
I think you are right to spend some time alone so you can be more certain - if it is going to work a bit of time apart is not going to stop it.

Now with dumping nm - again set yourself a goal of say not contacting or recieving any of his calls for a week at first and then congratulate yourself on how easy it was - then take it small chunks at a time.

You already know what you have to do and i am sure you will do it in the best way (it may feel alien to you but TFM is right this is about you and what you want.)

Hi to everyone else.

so much I want to say but am crap at advice and can't even manage to get out my own feelings at the moment...
I just get so much how everyone is feeling especially PC and Baffy - loving someone so much wanting something back so much scared of being hurt and let down....I feel for me the trust is gone after everything and no matter what he says I will never trust him again (and of course he now has am unforgettable link to OW)....
Happy birthday for tomorrow T Am so looking forward to metting everyone in a few weeks and talking in person

McD, PC & TFM - thank you for the b'day greetings - and Dior on FB too . Yes, I'm also looking forward to our meet up soon.

I began the celebrations yesterday by dying the grey bits out of my hair (pathetic, I know, but the grey does make me FEEL old, and it's all at the front, so I can't pretend it isn't there). Someone at work is 30 on Thursday and it feels like a couple of weeks ago that I was celebrating MY 30th. Where does the time go?

It makes me feel even more that we all need to live our lives in a way that feels right for US - and if anyone makes us feel 'wrong', they've got to go - because really, life passes too quickly to put up with cr** from others.