New Fab & Glam (Part 3 - The Quest Continues!)

[Paddlechick666]

Here we go ladies!

God, Im sorry Ive sort of lost touch - didnt notice that our old thread had hit 1000!

Baffy, what a bloody bunny boiler. If she's like this when you are actually trying to divorce him, what the hell would she be like if he tried to leave her? I wonder if thats occurred to him yet!

So sorry that the shit continues. Nothing much has changed here. Ive pretty much decided I want to sell the house now, financiually everything just seems to get sucked into a black hole, so need to get everything sorted out.

Im trying to redecorate just now, and failing miserably at it. Of course I left all that to X mostly as he was the one who was obsessive about prep and finishes, where i just want to slap a coat of paint on and move on.

for everyone having a bad time, feeling low, ill etc.

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Baffy, well done for calling fil. Like everyone, totally at note. You're getting lots of good advice here. Did you manage to go home early &/ contact the police?

I think your adrenalin and survival instincts are carrying you over, but the amount of stress you must be under is worrying. Please look after yourself as much as possible. Your ds is so lucky to have such a competent, sensible and strong mother.

I'm feeling better. Am trying as hard as I can to only think positive thoughts and push neg. away. Had disasterous meeting with ds1 teacher last night. Sil is over visiting, and poor woman had to listen to me ranting (on and off till 11!) Honestly, I think for my sanity I must never speak to the foool again. I even counted up - 18 more weeks I have to send my recious son to that stupid hideous woman. Thank God we're moving. The only good thing about having to leave, but good enough - to preserve my sanity and my poor ds's self esteem.

Just a quick update. Sorry can't catch up properly, fubsy great to hear from you, ernest at teacher! lilybubble I hope you're ok and he got in touch last night thinking of you, I know how hard it must be with the Australia trip etc.
Tanee, HW - don't envy you with the GCSE stress, my youngest sister has just done them. Although after all the stress and tears she came out with 10 excellent grades though, so it all comes together in the end.
Macd how are you and the lo's doing?

I left early yesterday to be with ds. Have been awake all night and called in sick today. at myself letting it affect my work, I hate calling in sick. Still e-mailing orders via my PDA though!
Have gathered all the evidence and called my local police station last night. The officer gave me some great advice, it's now up to me whether to log it all oficially and they will come and take a statement. Then I can decide what I want to do from there.
I don't really want to do any of it though. I just want H to deal with it like he promised he would 12 months ago, and them both to go away quietly and leave us alone. I don't know what I did wrong to deserve all this - I think I must have been pretty bad in a past life!

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this Baffy, I really feel for you.

Forgive me for sticking my nose in but, GW hasn't done very well at sorting things out foyou so far has he? He hasn't done a very good job at protecting you or DS or putting your needs first. The only person you have been able to rely on so far is you!

Please, don't be afraid to make a statement to the police, needs must and I think this is definately a must! SG behaviour is threatening. She has shown how unstable and unpredictable she is. You need to be able to live your life without worrying about what is around the next corner so, just summon another ounce of your amazing strength, call the police and make that statement. There is only so much you can do alone, you can reason with reason but, in SG, there is no reason. Let the police support you.

lots of love xxx

baffy, I understand your anxiety at OW's unstability, but thats all the more reason for you to do everything through the police now.

She sounds pretty unhinged.

I am so sorry there is so much stress around with you all atm. I really hoped things would begin to settle down this year, but it just seems to get worse.

Im really cynical now if anyone says they have no relationship problems - it just seems like there is so much crap about!

Things are just jogging along with X now - he is being very nice right now as he hopes I go through with the house sale, as he will get a nice lump sum out of it. To be fair, he has just replastered a chunk of blown plaster, and is going to do some more bits and pieces next week.

He seems happy enough with his NW, at least she isnt a trouble maker, doesnt need to be as she has him all to herself!

Feeling a bit jealous though as one of my rl friends who is in a similar situation to me, has just met a man through an online agency and is blissfully happy. I wont be using the same agency as it is only for people of an athletic nature, which I most certainly am not!

If I could just get some order in my life Id be happy enough I think - theres nothing terribly wrong, its just not quite as it could be.

BTW, what or who are GW and SG? I havent had time to read the whole thread properly!

Hi Feusby

You seem to be doing great for yourself! You should be proud. By order in your life do you mean a bit of excitement, a bit of something special? It will come, all in good time, and probably when you are elast expecting it. Just try to smile a lot and stay as postive as you can, in turn you will attract positivity.

Oh yes, GW stands for Gutless Wonder, thats the title we have bestowed on Baffy's H and, SG stands for Slut Guts, i think that speaks for itself!

Hi everyone

Sorry not been here today - saw new counsellor for the second time - she really does seem to put another angle on things.

I feel normal that i not moving forward as quckly as i would prehaps like and she helps me to think through things in a less negative way. She is not so sure about bringing it all up again but things there are some issues. The main thing she thinks is that i dont yet trust myself to move on. I have to think that if this ever happened again i would not put up with it - but then i question myself as to why i put up with it this time and doubt that i would be strong enough to say enough is enough. Does that make sense to any of you? Anyway i am going to do some work on me and see what we come up with.

Fusby - why not just go for it with the paint - i understand about just wanting to get on with it my h is exactly the same!! Last weekend he repainted the bathroom in 2 hours (i had just about enough time to wash the walls befroe he loaded the roller!!!!). At least it is done and its not too bad a job (but it is now bright orange - which is actually not too bad).

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Thankyou TFM

Part of me would like a bit of excitement, part of me would just like to come home to a house where I dont have to push things out of the way to sit down.

But I have def noticed a difference in mood - when X is around, its like everybody's mood has to go down a few notches. Its so nice not having to worry about what sort of mood he is going to be in - if he throws a wobbly i actually dont care any more.

I feel sad for DD though, seeing how immature her dad can be.

GW and SG - I like that!

HW It makes perfect sense to me, every thing you say.

I think you have done amazingly well, you are so positive and come across as so strong and in control. I have seen the fantastic advice you give on other threads but sometimes, I do wonder if you find it as easy to carry out yourself. I know that I don't!

It really is easier to say sometimes, than it is to put it into practice. You know what you should be doing, how you should feel, how you should be behaving, and it feels great when you manage it, like a real achievement but, does it always feel real? Does that make sense? Do you sometimes feel you are playing a role of somesort? That maybe you are burying how you really feel in order to make the relationship work? Burying the anger perhaps, using your energy in a positive way when all you really want to do is smack him round the head with a shovel!!

DP has never cheated on me but my ex H did, a couple of times. I became very controlled in my behaviour, I became the perfect wife, understanding, tolerant etc. So much so that when he cheated the second time I felt no pain, it didn't hurt at all. But with hind sight, I think thats because I was still numb from the first time. I had dealt with it in such a controlled way the first time, been so determined not to lose him to another woman. But you know, the most hideous thing is the marriage was a nightmare anyway, he was physically and emotionally abusive and I should have just got rid! I suppose I didn't want to fail. I think I was too strong for my own good, I tolerated far too much and worked far too hard at being understanding and forgiving.

After all that babbling which has probably not helped you at all!! My point is that
from reading your posts I can tell all the hard work you put into your relationship, how you have changed yourself and your outlook, developed understanding and insight. But I would hate for you to lose yourself in all of that too. For you to take all of the responsibility for making your marriage a success, not to the point where you don't allow yourself to feel or express how you really feel.

I'm going to shut up now because I could be totally way off mark here!

You my love, are a wonderful and forgiving woman. Your husband is one hell of a lucky man!!

Fusby I agree with HW, just go for it!

Talking of decorating, my DP 'prepared' the dining room for decorating 6 weeks ago, cleared everything out, masked up where needed masking, laid dust sheets. Six weeks later it is still in it's 'prepared' state

Hi everyone - TFM, Fubsy - just get the paint brushes out and go for it!
Do that man trick (usually regarding household chores) where you start something, mess up and do a really bad job, and then they step in and take over and finish it 'properly' themselves Works for them when they don't want to do housework! Lets use it to our advantage for DIY!

HW I'm glad your counsellor is good. My take on it... you took him back because you not only have the amazing capacity to give unconditional love and to forgive, but also the ability to realise that we all make horrendous mistakes sometimes, and shouldn't necessarily be punished for those for the rest of our lives.
Most importantly, you realised that you, your dh, and the children, would have a better life all together than apart. You faced up to that reality and dealt with it. A weaker person would have walked away on day one (but would they be happier?! I doubt it!).

Totally understand why you are questionning yourself, but the fact is, that if he did it again it wouldn't be a one off mistake by a man who could not see the consequences. It would be a well thought out decision taken by someone who knows only too well the hurt, devastation and destruction an affair causes.

That, is preceisely why you would have the strength to walk away if anything ever happened again. There would be no excuses and there would be no doubt in your mind that you deserve better.

But at this moment in time you know that you have done the right thing for yourself and your family. And most of all, your dh knows just how lucky he is to have this chance. He would be an absolute fool to ever risk losing you again.

Lets face it though, you do know you can do this alone, but you don't want to. That was your choice to make
That means you're the one with the strength here. Not him. It takes a special person to forgive. And it may take you just a tiny bit longer to actually forget (by 'forget' I mean learn how to shake those awful thoughts out of your head whenever they dare crop up!), but all that matters is that you know deep down you did the right thing. And your dh, family and friends all know that too.

Whichever road you took it was always going to be a bumpy one. And we're here every step of the way, because we know, that it was definitely the right road for you to take

Good post Baffy

I also think that as time goes by and a person gets stronger and starts to realise that they are capable, they are strong and they could just as easily go it alone, thats when the questioning comes in. Sometimes, it can seem so much easier to throw in the towel, not to have to be so strong, so understanding while still fighting insecurities and thoughts of whether or not he is going to cheat again. I think thats when a person wonders why the hell they are doing it.

How have you been today? Did you make a statement to the police? I hope you are bearing up ok anyway

Dp has come home with man flu, he is seriously ill Looks like I will be entering week 7 of a 'prepared' dining room! I would do it myself but, if I did that I wouldn't have this little hold over him. With just a little sigh as I peep round the door I am benefiting nicely from his guilty conscience at not having finished what he started

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Wow Dior! Business cards! You are all important!

I'm pleased you are taking to your new boss, from your posts it's obvious you love your job so, liking your boss too does help somewhat!

You know, it's so nice to 'see' you so positive and upbeat. I am really glad that things are on the up for you xx

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Thanks TFM and Baffy

Once again you are both right.
TFM - I do sometimes find it harder to put into practice my good intentions of being possitive - and i think that may be what has been happening this week - i am then cross with myself and feeling that it is all my fault. Blah blah - i am responsible for my own happiness - thats all well and good when i havent got the rest of the familys demands to do first!!! I have put myself at the bottom of the list this week - and only have myself to blame for it (there i go again putting myself down - vicious circle).

I think i just needed to have a moan and know that h is not the one to moan to - i missed going to lunch with a friend this week (becuse we couldnt both find a good time for us) and i got the impression that h thought i should have made an effort to perhaps find someone else to go or rearrange other stuff - (if was that important i would have done something to stop myself feeling so down about it). Its just little things really but it does sometimes make me wonder if this the path i want to take - it would be easier to just throw in the towel.

Anyway i am sure you understand TFM - as i do really think we are alike in many ways.

The counsellor thought i had taken on the role of 'parent' in our relationship in that h was able to be a naughty boy and then i would make it all better - i need to be looked after too and so maybe there is a bit of me wanting that too.

Anyway too much overthinking will only lead to me feeling negative and today the sun is shining which always helps and my lovely son is back from a 2 week school trip and i have missed him so much. I cant wait to give him a big hug (it will only be a little hug in reality but a big hug in my mind as he is 15 and so cant be seen to hug his mum too much ).

I am sure i will feel a lot better tomorrow - give myself some goals and all that.

Enjoy your sunday everyone.

Feeling decidedly anxious about mothers day - went to get cards for my mum and MIL (who I love)...and lots of first mothers day cards - felt sick to stomach this is OW first mothers day with his baby ....really want to grill him on whether he is getting her a card from baby (I would guess he will) but am biting tongue as will just upset me and cause yet more ructions...he has asked if I want to go out to lunch really don't...but DD1 would be sooo happy and at least he wouldn't be with OW so would piss her off (so childish I know)....
Have suggested we invite his parents at least the could avoid talking to him too much

McD - you are sounding so strong - but sad at the prospect of mothers day - i cannot even beging to imagine what you must feel - dont feel childish about wanting to keep him away from ow i know i would and have done the same thing.

HW I totally know what you mean. You know, despite having turned things around here and things beig better than they ever have been, I do sometimes feel the same. (shock, horror and feeling quite to admit it) I don't know about you but, sometimes, it just feels as though the whole weight of the success of this relationship is on my shoulders, that it all hinges on me finding the 'right' attitude, outlook or action, that I i don't keep it up, so to speak, that it will all fall apart again. And sometimes, that can feel a very heavy weight to carry. Today my shoulders ache, can you tell?

Dior. Thank you sweetie. Not feeling quite so positve about him today though. Off to read me Life Rules Book while quietly chewing on my tongue xx

MacD, I know it's easy to say but, you just try to stay strong. You have coped so brilliantly so far, you are amazing.
We really are Teabags in the true sense of the word aren't we xx

HW do you think there could be a bit of feeling that, although you have picked yourself up and are bravely moving on with things, you want H to recognise that just because you have sort of forgiven him and are seeming to get on with life in such a positve way that you still are hurting, you haven't forgotten. Also, you don't want him to forget what he did either, you don't want him to feel he has got away with it. BUT, as you can't keep bringing it up, reminding him of it, because that wouldn't be efective in moving forward that, that creates a feeling of irritation (for want of a better word) for you too? IYSWIM

Also, do you think you are always honest with yourself about how things are, do you think you are being true to yourself? Not having a dig byt the way, just comparing thoughts xx

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Evening everyone sorry i haven't been around much am finding being mum of 3 very time consuming especially at half term but hopefully with ds back at school and dd at pre school i have some chance of some me time next week. I think of you all despite not being around very often and hoping you are all plodding along LL XX

Thanks Dior - we must try and do that meet up in before the easter hols if we can - well if i didnt put you off the last time.

TFM - again you seem to know me (you are not my counsellor are you - or a close friend ).

I do question myself a lot and i think that means i may not think i am being as honest all the time iyswim.

About the burden - the counsellor says i must only do my bit and try not to take on all the responsibilty of it (and that is actually a hard thing to do). i have probally taken on more of the blame than i needed and now feel i need to do my bit but i must now also trust h to do his share - it is a bit like a parent letting them make their mistakes and trusting that they wont. I could understand that - but then as we all know men are just boys anyway it is even harder .

Anyway feeling a bit better now - i think i have been expecting a lot of myself lately and i given myself a hard time for not doing all the things i think i should have done. Its just a case of the female guilt thing i think.

Anyway off for an early night now.