New Fab & Glam (Part 3 - The Quest Continues!)

[Paddlechick666]

Here we go ladies!

well done sugarpear - i know what you mean about feeling more like me again. I feel that more than anything this has made me exam myself more and get to know me again. I dont want h to leave but if he does i now know he would be missing out on the most amazing relationship (and he knows that too now and reminds me lots ). And i would pick myself and still have a great life.

HW I don't know if I'm going to see him. I'm not really sure what he could say to make any difference. But I guess we have to try and move forward one way or another.

If I do see him, I will definitely be doing TFM's trick of singing baa baa black sheep in my head! I won't be doing all the talking this time! It would be interesting to hear what he's got to say for himself.

Make sure when you do see him you look fantasic (which i am sure you do anyway). Get a text message in the middle of him talking - i know it is rude but it will make him see you do have another life.

Good luck with the meet anyway - and dont be scared of pushing ahead with the divorce as it will still take a long time and get you 'away' from him finacially.

Message withdrawn

baffy, you decided yet if you'll meet GW? Really hope he starts at some point to see sense.

Dior, lol. Honestly, he's not that bad. I really do see it also from his side, and to a certain extent, I agree, that I also would rather be able to mentally distance myself from it. Stressing out about the same thing for a whole year is even for me getting tedious (wry smile).

I need some tips/ book recommendations. I looked on Amazon. 1 was entitled 'Love affairs' that made me .

others went on about seeing it from all 3 people's pov. well, bollocks to her pov. I feel I understand enough about his. I need to know how to get over the insecurity, lack of trust etc etc. sp - how did you do it, short of just pushing it to back of mind, or is that really it? I don't/can't feel so relaxed when I can't work, couldn't put a roof over our heads, I'd have to move (emigrate back to UK) finding out about the affair really highlighted how vulnerable my position is, but while living abroad, foreign language, pg etc etc, I don't seem to have found a way into that stronger position, hense I think the on going insecurity/anxiety.

btw quick update for those who missed it, ow left dh work about 2 weeks before I found out, but dh has new job (in Milan) so he's gone as well anyway, but further development, is we're now moving to Munich, not Milan. Oh and I'm 23 weeks preg.

Hi Ernest

Have a look at the 'confused - want to trust H but dont know how'. There are some good tips on there which might make you find the strengh to do what you need to do.

I know i am a couple of months ahead of you but i felt like you just after christmas - i thought that the new year and the passing of most of the first year aniversaries would have made me feel better but i actually began to feel worse.

That is why we have found another counsellor and she said it was not unusal for the injured spouse to be 'behind' in the healing process. The trick is to make sure you catch up with him without him getting 'bored' while you do what you need to feel safe and secure again.

Does he seem to understand that it will take a long time? my h is great now and does not make me feel bad about asking and now seems to bring it up more than me.

You are not going mad - but you have been coping and now you need to go and 'tidy' up your emotions that you have tried to push away for so long. I feel as if i need to get it all out again and fold it neatly so it will not keep spilling out into my everyday life as much - iyswim. This seems to be working quite well at the moment but we know it is 3 steps forward and a couple back but we are doing together which is the main thing.

Good luck ernest and if you ever want to just talk just email - i promise i wont get bored of it and if it will help i would be glad to.

Hi ernest- Its been a combination of things for me. Time has been a big thing. Dh left when ds3 was only 7 months old and his 4 next month. It has been a very bumpy ride. And his left/ i kicked him out a number of times.

We never had any counselling but i sat him down one night and said. I know you dont want to keep going over this but i have questions that need answers otherwise i cant get past this and i really want to. I told him that when i mentioned it ( or made a catty remark) it wasn't to hurt him but to slowly get my hurt out and every time i got a little out of me it was a little less that i carried around.

I also took a long hard look at me and how i had treated him. Rather than say everything was all his fault. and i didnt like what i saw. Yes i had 5 kids but let being a mum take over completely that i really didnt have time for him at all.Basically i took him for granted.

After that i told him that i understood my part in our relationship faltering but there was no excuse ever for him betraying me the way he did.

Even know i can remember some of the things he said to me and even what she said/texted. but as soon as i think of it i shake it out of my head because she isnt worth that second of my thoughts.

I think also what helped me is that i have long since had a long chat with her. she really didnt know he was married at the time but when she did find out she was already in love with him. But she also told me and she didnt have to that he told her many times that he was still very much in love with me. That for me was a big turning point because it showed me just how sad and needy she was to stay with a man that had repeatedly told her he was still in love with his wife.

I wish i had the answers for you ernest and everyone else on here.I wish i could make it all better i really do i hate knowing any of you are hurting.

I think its harder for you being pregnant and with moving etc especailly with different countries in mind!

My advice would be to talk, whether to dh or a friend but to listen too. I know your hurting but chances are he is too. He has to take on his pain as well as yours and although he caused it but you both need to try and put it to rest. Move on and be happy do not give her any satisfaction in knowing you are both miserable. It can work and i wish you all the luck in the world.

If i can help email me or cat me. I can talk til i fall asleep and even then ican still talk!

I hope i dont sound harsh there i dont mean to be. x

That is an excellent post Sugar, especially the bit about shaking the negative thoughts out of your head. It really does work doesn't it, helps you to 'retrain your brain'. When I was going through my bad patch I seemed to sort of enjoy tormenting myself with negative thoughts, letting my mind run away with me, over thinking to the extreme. Its amazing how much your life improves when you switch to positive thinking.
Nowadays, for every negative i find a positive and dwell on that instead. The power of the mind eh

I'm embarrassed to have just admitted that

That was an excellent post sugar pear and i totally agree with everything you have said there.

I feel we have now turned a corner as i seem to be able to just 'switch' more easily now. It is not easy and there is some comfort in exposing the wound - like the satifaction of picking a scab .

I was scared to take that leap of faith that he would not do it again - there is no guarantee of that, i now feel that i have Hs hand to help me.

It is hard for them too as it does cause a lot of pain but somehow they need to realise that to get past it all we need to know the deatais (it helps put all the pieces into place - like making the jigsaw fit together).

I am sure these are all things that ernest already knows it is just that her h needs to hear and listen too and until he does it is hard to move on however much both of you think you do.

I too took a long hard look at myself and my part and i will never (well try really hard anyway) take h for granted like i did before. We have more time for each other on a daily basis as well as making more plans as a family.

I have some pity for the ow at times now - she believed him as much as i did (she just thought he owed her more the truth than me). I also believe that he had said on many an occacion he still loved me - in fact i saw an email saying that. It does make me feel a bit better to know that sometimes.

Ultamately (sp) it is time though the longer he 'proves' himself and is with me the more confident i become about us going forward. The more confident i become the less it worries me - it is a vicious circle.
I am determined not to become bitter and twisted about this and that is why i prefer to make jokes about it (those catty type remarks - and now h joins in and we have even had a laugh about it).

Good luck

Lovely posts HW and Sugar. Ernest I really hope you're ok. You're all very lucky that you have the special chance to learn from your mistakes and move forward as a family... your dh's are the really lucky ones though!!

I did see GW last night. For the 1st time in 18 months I feel he finally opened up and told me the truth. His whole attitude, his responses to my questions, everything, was different. We had quite a major heart to heart about what went wrong in the first place. And I registered my sheer disbelief and disgust that us taking each other for granted could result in such heartbreaking consequences.

I asked for explanations from him. His justification for letting things go on so long and dragging his family and friends into his lies. What he thinks he's learnt from it. And why he didn't see the warning signs about her instability this time last year when I did (or rather, why he didn't want to see the signs!).

I let him do a most of the talking. And have left the ball in his court as to how he thinks we can move forward from here in a practical sense, and his proposals for access to ds. He knows that I don't trust a word he says and until I have some way of being assured that she is no longer a threat to me and ds I'm not prepared to compromise on ds's safety. I also made it clear that I'm under no illusions that she has a hold over him and I think he is a very weak man, especially where she is concerned. So I'll only accept a compromise on my terms. And until I decide differently, ds stays with me and my mum and I'll accomodate his and FIL's requests to see him whenever possible, but won't let ds out of my sight.

I don't think practically we're much further on. But I finally feel that a tiny part of the old H is back now she's off the scene (so to speak!) and I could finally reason with him.
I'm not holding my breath for any miracles though! This is going to be a long a difficult road.

Thats all good stuff Baffy

You know, I think it may have been GW 'weakness' that got him into this mess in the first place. He was too weak to talk to you, admit how he was feeling, probably because he didn't want to hurt you, cause you pain but, becuae of his own discontentment he was drawn into this thing with SG and ended up causing a hell of a lot of pain. I don't think he is a bad man really, he is just very foolish. A Twonk!!

Good for you for standing your ground. Whatever happens, the new relationship you have with him is going to be a good one!

Thanks

We talked about all that stuff, and it was the one time I got a bit angry because I said if he'd have just spoken up about how he was feeling at least we'd have had a chance! I was working 12 hour days, 50 miles away from home, with a new baby - of course things weren't perfect! But it didn't have to result in this!!

I think the one thing we have realised though is that we didn't actually realise what the problems were at the time. It's only now we've learnt from it all, that we can reflect on what the issues were that caused us to drift apart.

I feel so so devastated though, that everything he got from her, he could have got just as easily (and better!) at home. All he needed to do was talk to me about it and support me for those few more months while I got this new job closer to home. The fantasy of the carefree lifestyle and no strings fun with a teenager has turned out to be living hell. And caused him to lose his family and everything he worked his whole life for. Sadly though, I really don't have any sympathy for him any more.

well done baffy - you sound really strong at the time and i think your relationship will be better - not the old one but a new one and it will in some ways be better.

Take it slowly there is no rush to do anything

Got to go out now - have a good day everyone.

You are amazing (here I go again!) You have truly come such a long way!

i think the fact you have no sympathy for him, you don't feel sorry for him is good, it's the best thing. If you did feel sorry for him he would pick up on that and would feel able to play on it, lie even more, just to win you round. He knows now that you mean business!! That he has to cut the bull and be honest with you.

Blimey Baffy, I wish you could see what I can see when I read your posts. You have changed so much, you have become such a strong person, I am so blooming proud of you!!

FWIW, I think the way you are handling things is perfect! You are working through things slowly but surely. By then end of all this, if you do decide to give it another go with him, you will have ironed out all the problems and will, for the most part, be able to concentrate fully on your newfound relationship. Even if you don't get back together, I do believe that sorting through everything will enable you to be the best of friends. This really is a learning curve for both of you. GW is learning that being a GW has done him no favours at all!!!

Huh! Are you after my job too HW

Thanks guys

Thankyou x

Baffy sounds like you made excellent progress with gw. As tfm say's you have come such a long way. It can only get better now. x

Happywoman- I can laugh about his affair now and sometimes i can just laugh at him!!

Our relationship is better now than it ever has been.Neither of us take each other for granted. We talk and take time to understand each other.

But he now worries i will leave him because of what his done to me. But i have no interest in getting back at him. Whats done is done cant change that. should he do it again though there would be no going back. And he knows this and i firmly believe even he isnt that stupid!

Well said sugarpear. I feel the same as you and in fact the counsellor thinks i may well be the one to be 'tempted' away in the future and i think it is something h worries a bit about too no harm in letting him worry a little.

I too hope h is not that stupid again and i think he cannot believe he was that stupid the first time.

baffy, sound like last night went beter than you could've hoped. well done for being so strong. I bet you don't always feel it though. hope you've got someone to look after you well in all this xx

thanks ernest
don't think I really want anyone to help me at the moment, am feeling like it's me and ds against the world and I don't need anyone! (except you guys! )

think I've just closed everyone off as I don't want to have to listen to everyone's opinions, anger and frustration! when I open up, people start ranting and raving and wanting to beat up GW! I then have to bring them back down to reality, explain he'll always be ds's dad, I'm now protecting ds, I'm in control, talking to solicitor, I just want to do what's best for the baby etc etc. I don't have the bloody energy for all of them!! easier to keep it to myself for now.

Well done Baffy, you have such amazing strength and dignity. I hope GW starts to treat you with more respect from now on and SG stays away.

Well done Baffy, you have such amazing strength and dignity. I hope GW starts to treat you with more respect from now on and SG stays away.

Thank you

I had a nasty note left under the windscreen of my car last night. Bit cryptic but pretty much warning me to stay away from H. I don't think this one's going to go quietly