New Fab & Glam (Part 3 - The Quest Continues!)

[Paddlechick666]

Here we go ladies!

I think if Baffy did show GW Sugarpear, he would be true to his name and not show much support or, he would tell some more fibs!

Not only is he a GW he is LL. (lily livered)

Was rather hoping it would make him realise what a nut job gt is and what a complete twonk his been. But his a man and im giving him far too much credit!

hi all, back from Munich. just thought i'd try and catch/keep up a bit. Baffy am at OW latest antics. she really is a total fruit loop. I don't know how you are managing to keep sane. OMG it makes my blood boil / does my head in to read some of the stuff she's writing to you.

No advice just pure admiration and sympathy xx

Message withdrawn

Hi Teabags!!
Baffy, she's totally barmy and most definitely unhinged. No wonder you don't want ds caught in the crossfire of one of her mental rages.
I agree with the others, keep all the texts, you never know when they might come in handy and if you haven't already I would show them to DHH - you never know it might make him wake up and realise what his inability to keep in in his trousers has done to you. Unlikely I know, but we can live in hope.
You are amazing not to have reacted to all this. I would have scalped her by now, especially her taunts about being your ds's mum. What a bitch.

Hi guys I'm back things not so good here - H antics as always
Quick word of advice Baffy KEEP THE TEXTS - I deleted every (and there were a lot)texts from my H OW and she kept the few I sent her in reply (like you when I just could not maintain dignified silence)...she then accused ME of harassing her and threatening me with police and other nasties (those who know my profession can guess what)..was horrid as I had no proof that she had sent many more first and far nastier (in fact a few were like you saying she was mentally ill)...she only backed off when my solicitor sent her a stern letter warning her off ...oh and H was involved and has seen texts - he still chose to believe best of her ...

Morning everyone

Yes I have kept the texts. I don't know if you remember but when H 'finished' with her last year she did a similar thing. Just wanted to hurt me and get revenge on H. He saw every text back then. And he swore he'd never allow there to be a situation where she could do that to me again

This time, I have forwarded him some of the nastier ones for him to read. (haven't seen him since friday and this all happened on saturday). And his response has been total shock. He says he's disgusted with her/she's gone too far/ she's sick /he's so so sorry etc... But tbh, my response back to him has just been that she is only able to do this to me because of the choices he's made. The lies. Telling her all about me/my family/our relationship... it's all ammunition she stores up to use against me. You think he'd have learnt last time!!!

But like you were all saying yesterday, why these men believe that these woman, (who have no morals and jump into bed with married men!), why do they think they'll suddenly get some morals when it all goes tits up, and stay dignified and out of the picture?!?! It's not rocket science is it!! These people, including GW, care about nobody but themselves. If their lives are ruined, then they bring everyone else down with them.

H wants me to meet to talk tonight. I really have nothing to say though. Never thought I'd feel like this, but I'd actually be happy if I never saw him again.

Hi ernest good to hear from you, are you ok?

Macd have been wondering how you are. How's things?

Ginnedup, am laughing at you saying you'd have scalped her by now!!

And Dior, I wish we had one of those magic wands too. I love the fact that you're so happy at the moment. It's the positive stories that make me feel so much better about things. Gives me some hope.

And yes sugar, far too much credit sadly if he'd have cared, he'd have got rid of her last time she did it. He saw the texts. Was even with me when I got some of them. None of it registered. All he cared about was his next sh*g.

Good morning Ladies

Baffy, I honestly don't think that it even enters the head of the male species that the SG would ever contact DW. It's the arrogance in them. They don't think beyond themselves, it's all about them. If they did think about the consequences and how much pain their actions would cause DW they wouldn't do it in the first place. As much as we love em, they are all gormless idiots!! We give them far too much credit for an intelligence they do not possess.

So, will you be meeting GW tonight? Should I be running a book?

HW It's good to tell that book is written by a bloke! Keep it under your hat indeed! Yer, right! The other rules, as far as I've read are great. It gave me a warm feeling inside, made me realise that I really have turned a corner and that I am living my life exactly how he suggests. Also, when I have a bad day and my halo slips, thats ok too. Its a really good book, I recommend it to all the Teabags! Also, i forgot to say yesterday but, I emailed the author of that book I recommended too. It was such a brilliant book. I didn't get a reply though, did you?

Tell me what the books are... I'm not up to date with all that. Could do with something interesting to read. And if it helps me get my life sorted then even better!!

I've just flamed H!
Got a message saying when can FIL have ds again, and how he's only seen ds once in almost 2 weeks, he misses his son, he doesn't know what to do, he's sorry, lots of sad faces...

It sent me over the edge... what a load of selfy pittying crap!! I will type my reply - I don't think I'd do it justice if I paraphrase

"I'm not surprised you miss your son, you chose to leave your wife and child for a 19 year old nutter, and now it's all fallen apart you expect sympathy from me and yet again wait for me to pick up the pieces. Well not this time!
You've had more chances than you deserve.
My one and only request was that you didn't let her into ds's life again. You and your father lied to my face to enable you to keep putting her before everything and everyone else. You saw what she did to me last year when you finished with her. I have almost 100 messages on my old sim card and nearly 40 on this one. They range from how she smashed your car up, punched you, has had numerous screaming fights with you, taken overdoses, tried to jump of a motorway bridge (even once asked for my help after she'd taken too many tablets). And that's aside from the ones gloating about your affair, taunting me about her influence on you, and sharing her intimate knowledge of my every move and my family! I won't even go into the threats she made against me and ds for being in your life!
So exactly what are you asking of me? To trust you?!
I learnt what she was like over 12 months ago. You saw it to. Can you explain why you didn't learn the same lesson?!
Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and face up to it. You're pathetic. And you're not the man I thought you were.
You want to see your son, then tell me how you would like that to work and what you intend to do to start fixing this mess.
Don't look to me for sympathy or for me to help you out of the hole you're in. You created this life. Now live it."

that's not like me at all. Was that too harsh. I hate being like this

hi, I'm okish thanks for asking.

Had long talk with dh this am. went to bed pissed off with him, cos ow had come up in conversation (he's coming back to Zurich on Friday, and meeting up in town with ex work mates. I basically asked for reassurance that OW wouldn't be there. He basically in not so many words got impatient and told me to stop going on about it. honestly not badly like that but that was the basic gist. )

So this am, having talk, telling him with the 2 anniversaries (wedding last week or whenever and discovery of affair next month it's esp difficult atm. Basically I've been left with this huge insecurity of him at some point having another affair/leaving us/leaving me a single mum of (soon to be) 4 kids, no friends or family near by, no job, no home, not even a bloody country really atm. He makes reassuring noises, but starts getting impatient and (again, very loosely) says if I don't get over it/pull myself together/move on, whatever the phrase was, we might as well forget it.

So all of his reassuring words are basically strraight down the toilet as the one message I come away with is that he might at some point buggar off.

It's so shit to be in such a vulnerable position. I did work for a few months (was great to work again, only short term contract. It did however confirm to me that I don't want to return to teaching so was in that respect doubly useful. I need to retrain/do a course/post grad/ no idea, being unable to work, with small baby in new foreign country, might be ideal time, but how on earth do I go about plucking a new direction/career out of thin air? That's another thread...)

But ultimately I know it's true what he says. If I do keep going on about it, it will push him away. Then I basically make hapen the one thing I don't want to happen. And I don't know how to change that. Being 5 months pg and "in between" homes/countries adds a certain amount of uncertainty and anxiety to the whole situation. In one respect I don't feel like I'm much further on than say 10 months ago. I don't know how to get over the affair.

Bet you're glad you asked now.

But anyway, all this is really small fry compared to what you and so many others are going through. Wonder if I could just get a partial lobotomy?

WoW! That was brilliant Baffy! Very powerful and emotive. Well done! Just off to read Ernest's post, will post name of books in next post. Both brilliant books, you will feel empowered after reading them, not that you seem to need it xx

omg baffy, I hadn't seen your 2nd message (that's amazed admiration by the way) Standing ovation from me.

I didn't know half the stuff. I'd read others alluding to her being unhinged but, what can I say. Nutter doesn't do it justice.

Crikey.

Am speechless. Sort of. "Was that too harsh?" erm. NO!

not even a fraction of what he deserves after all his carry on.

Not small fry at all ernest!

Reading what others on here say (HW and Maturer in particular), you never really get over the affair. You just deal with it and learn how to cope.

You're going through so much. dh working away, moving home, moving country, 3 children, and a pregnancy. that's without the affair!! many of us would have collapsed just under that pressure.

I have to say that he doesn't sound like he's being 100% supportive. You can't 'just get over it'. You need to talk about it, deal with the emotions, and then put them to bed. The anniversary of memories is especially hard.
I'm really with him on your behalf.
Of course you're vulnerable. Of course you need reassurance! That's because of what he did!

I know what it is. He just wants to forget the pain he caused and for it all to magically go away.

But he needs to realise that's not just going to happen. He has to help you to heal before you can really put this to rest.

Are you still having counselling? It really sounds like he could do with a 3rd party explaining this to him. It's like he's seeing it as you 'nagging' or being needy. And that couldn't be further from the truth!!!

You have amazing strength. Seriously, I'm not sure how I'd cope with what you're going through. I think at the mention of him having that work night out I'd have had a total meltdown!!

I wish I had some more practical advice.
All I can say with certainty though, is that you're not in any way in the wrong here. What you're going through is completely normal. It's his reaction to it that is the problem. Why can't he see that?!

Ernest, it isn't small fry at all. What you are going through is just as big to you as what others are going through is to them. I can understand how you feel. You are most likely feeling very vulnerable at the moment and, you are seeking a little reassurance from DH that all is going to be ok, that he isn;t going to leave etc. What with the anniversarys and everthing, its no surprise ou feel like this.

I can also see where DH is coming from (not that I agree with him)He is wanting to move on, move forward. He feels ashamed of his behaviour and just wants to be allowed to forget it. Of course he does, what man would want to be constantly reminded of the pain he caused. These poor, poor men

It's a shame he cannot see that it is he who has caused your insecurity. That it is his affair that is the reason for it and, with just a little reassurance you would feel a lot better. I'm afraid that once again we have a man thinking only of himself. He is not seeing this from your point of view he is only thinking of the shame he feels when you remind him of it and he just wants you not to mention it.

Like you say, if you do keep asking for reassurance it will only serve to make him angry, say things he does not mean and cause problems that you can do without. We need to put a more positve slant on this, find reassurance in how he behaves when he is with you, the nice things he says to you, how he treats you, how much effort he has made to win your trust etc.

At the moment you are worrying about things that might never happen, the 'what if's' are spoiling the here and now. My advice would be, to try and get into a positve frame of mind, don't sit thinking, over thinking, try not to think the worst.
If you need reassurance and a bit of jollying along, come on here and let us do it for you.

Baffy, those books are The Rules of Life by Richard Templar as recommended by HW and, Getting Through To The Man You Love (the no nonsense, no nagging guide or women) by Michele Weiner-Davis, as reccommended by TFM! Brilliant book, you get what you want in a very clever way

Erm, are you after my job Baffy!

Thank you TFM.
I will order them now!!

PMSL!

Buy them 2nd hand from Amazon. You wil pay a fraction of the price you would from new. They are two books you will want to keep referring to. xx

Baffy - Your responce to gw was fantastic. Well done. Bet you feel better for it!

Ernest - Lovely to "see" you. Dh is trying to push it all away like it never happened because he cannot deal with what his done. Not only does he need to help you get through the aftermath of his affair but he needs to deal with his feelings of remorse and guilt too. You never forget the affair and even in years to come something will remind you of it. But you need to just push past the memory and move on. Its not easy but its do'able. The anger he projects at you is really the anger he feels at himself for what his put you through.

Dh did exactly the same to me. And for the fist time in our marriage he is working away from home has been for about 2 months. His hotel is connected to a pub and surprisingly i dont even think about him straying off.I dont know why or how but there is trust there again. But i also feel that as much as i love him if he left me my life isnt over. It would hurt like hell. But i know i'll pick myself up and move on and think of exciting challenges life still has for me.As long as my kids are healthy i have a roof over there heads and i can feed and clothe them thats all i need the rest is just a wonderful bonus.

But dealing with all you are especially pregnant is amazing. And you need to give yourself credit for that. It sounds like you have so much going on id be a fruit loop by now!

Brilliant text Baffy and not too harsh at all. He deserves it all (and more).
Sorry you're having such a hard time Ernest. Of course you will feel insecure fgs, you are at your most vulnerable right now what with being pg and the move and everything. Your H should be going out of his way to reassure you and help you get over the mess he made.
When do you move to Milan? Maybe things will settle down when you are actually living together again.
You are having to put a lot of trust in him, with him working away and for the same company as OW. Its about time he started to appreciate that a bit more instead of moaning at you like that.

Sugarpear I think it's great that you trust DH not to stray again, that must be really liberatinf or you. I do think it says more about you and how far you have come than it does about your DH having 'won' your trust. You need to give yourself a massive pat on the back!

Thankyou tfm.

More than anything it feels like an enormous load has been lifted off me. Im more "me" again. I just wish i knew what triggered it and then i could share it with everyone.

I am so very proud of everyone on here. Everyone is still holding strong and still smiling.

Pmt I'll end up crying in a minute

Well I reckon it's because for one, you had nowhere else to go but up and two, you no longer rely on DH for reassurance that you are a worthwhile person, you know that you are, with OR without him! Good for you!

Ernest - the trouble with not bringing it up is that you have never dealt with it (he has as he has all the answers he could ever want) but you probably and understandably still have a 100 questions going around in your head on a daily basis.

H is saying if you bring it up he will go - well if you dont bring it up it will do your head in. Somehow you have to find a safe way to deal with these things and at the moment you feel that it is all going the way h wants (he wants you to drop it and if you dont you will lose him). Its his terms again and it does not make you feel safe.

What is more important - your mental health or h being happy? The answer from both of you at this moment should be your health.

I completly understand about the night out as i have bitten my tongue before as i did not want to pressure h.
However since he came to his senses he has been so much better and has actually turned down many things (he has even given up going on a conference - which is really not like him to forgo a trip like that!!). It makes me feel so much better and he knows it is a small price to pay for the pain he has put me through. The other night he went to a dinner and she was there - he phoned and let me know and although it was hard to hear it made me feel so much more sucure in that he trusted me to know - if that makes sense.

I do think it may help your h to do some more conselling as this is not a small deal at all and has rocked your foundations of your world and marriage.
Anyway hope this help you realise that what you are asking is in no way unreasonable - he has had it all his way for a long time it is up to you to say when you have had enough of it now not him.

I promise you if he steps up to the mark it will make you feel so much better and you will slowly move forward but i do feel that he needs to do something soon as you really do not want to carry on like this for long. The longer you leave it the less he will want to deal with it and the more it will fester. If your marriage is strong it will survive you being a bit more demanding for a while surely.

TFM - yes i did get a reply from the authour which i was really pleased about as it was only a short email i sent him. Glad you enjoy it though it is not anything amazing just common sense for the most part.

Hello to everyone else too

Sory baffy got carried away there - the response was great just dont get dragged into a long email conversation with him. Are you going to meet him tonight?