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Original poster

DP referring to his ex as ‘my ex’

93 replies

whomoon · 11/01/2023 23:59

DP was in a long term relationship that ended 5 years ago. She cheated and it was traumatic for him. He often refers to this as a significant life event as it played a part in him taking risks (setting up his own company) which he may not have done whilst still in that relationship.

When he discusses the origins of his company, he will sometimes explain the story of where it began, adding the breakdown of his relationship but refers to it as ‘my ex’.

I feel by him saying ‘my ex’ it refers to her directly and it somehow keeps her present in his here and now. As though she has a credit to where his life is now.

I think saying ‘past relationship’ would be more sensitive to his current life with me. Rather than ‘she’ did this to me, it would be ‘the breakdown of my relationship’ made me make this life choice.

I’m not worried or jealous, but feel his word choice could do with updating. But understand it was a traumatic time for him.

Is this worth even thinking about? We’re very open so will talk with him about it, just wondered others opinions.

OP posts:
OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 12/01/2023 00:02

You are being over-sensitive. You really want him to say "my past relationship" rather than "my ex"?

I'm sorry but I'm the most gentle way possible you need to let this go. You are bordering on sounding jealous and possessive.

Josette77 · 12/01/2023 00:02

I say My-ex all the time. I think you are being jealous and need to look at why that is. I don't see the issue.

Workinghardeveryday · 12/01/2023 00:03

Personally, I think you are totally overthinking here. She is his ex, so why can’t he say that without it making you feel uncomfortable?..

BitOutOfPractice · 12/01/2023 00:03

You are completely overthinking.

MMMarmite · 12/01/2023 00:04

I'm confused about what he's doing wrong. She is his ex. It's a concise and commonly used phrase.

Azandme · 12/01/2023 00:05

Seriously? Massively overthinking. She IS his ex. 🙄

MMMarmite · 12/01/2023 00:06

I guess maybe when I've more distance from a relationship I might be more likely to call them "an" ex?? But still sometimes "my ex".

If the person I was speaking to knew my ex's name, Id just use their name.

saraclara · 12/01/2023 00:07

It's the descriptor that everyone uses. I've never heard anyone refer to the subject of a party relationship as anything other than "my ex".

'My past relationship' doesn't make any sense anyway. A person isn't a relationship. They're an ex girlfriend/partner/wife. The relationship is what they had, not who they are.

saraclara · 12/01/2023 00:08

Past, not party.

Original poster
whomoon · 12/01/2023 00:09

Totally accept I’m massively over thinking this! I needed that reality check and different perspectives, thanks MN!

OP posts:
Fantina · 12/01/2023 00:09

I kind of get where you are coming from ‘my’ ex implies some level of connection. But the only reason I can see where you are coming from is because an ex of mine used to write FB posts referring to me and saying ‘my ex this’ ‘my ex that’ - I always used to think ‘use my name!’

AnnieFarmer · 12/01/2023 00:10

I think most people would use that term but (if I understand you correctly) it’s the ‘my’ in there that you dislike? I’d never really thought of it that way (I use the term myself). Maybe suggest he refers to his ex by name?

Fantina · 12/01/2023 00:10

And it made me think ‘I’m not your anything’ even though obviously, I was his ex!

SweetSakura · 12/01/2023 00:11

My ex is a nasty abusive bully. I would really wonder about my DH if he thought me referring to my ex as "my ex" was an issue.

Original poster
whomoon · 12/01/2023 00:11

Fantina · 12/01/2023 00:09

I kind of get where you are coming from ‘my’ ex implies some level of connection. But the only reason I can see where you are coming from is because an ex of mine used to write FB posts referring to me and saying ‘my ex this’ ‘my ex that’ - I always used to think ‘use my name!’

I think you saying ‘level of connection’ is spot on what I was trying to figure out. That’s what it is.

but, I guess that will always be there so I need to not overthink any of it

OP posts:
KnobbyKnobson · 12/01/2023 00:11

Lame.

belimoo · 12/01/2023 00:12

I sort of understand what you mean. I wouldn't refer to the last person I was with as 'my ex' because it was so long ago and I've been with my current partner for such a long time that 'my ex' feels like it would give a weird status and importance to that person that they don't have in my head or my life. As per a pp, 'an ex' would be better.

It may just be a question of time though op.

LordSugarTits · 12/01/2023 00:13

I call all of the previous ones "my ex" unless I'm still friendly then I say their name

Mom2K · 12/01/2023 00:44

Everyone refers to their ex as "my ex" as that is what they are. It doesn't mean anything, I'd let it go otherwise it seems very controlling/insecure on your part.

Whadda · 12/01/2023 00:50

It’s bizarre that you want to censor your boyfriend.

Pinkbonbon · 12/01/2023 01:25

Wtf? She is HIS ex.

And sge probably did play a role on getting him to where he is today.

You sound like the great gatsby telling his first love that she wasn't allowed to have ever loved anyone else but him.

Bonkers.

AgentJohnson · 12/01/2023 03:29

There’s overthinking and then there’s your bizarre pedantry. Why do you think that your opinion on his word choices regarding his Ex matters? I personally think his word choices do not need updating but your impulse to censure his word choices does need to be reflected upon.

Thefailinghousewife · 12/01/2023 03:38

I sort of get where you are coming from - it’s like SHE is pivotal, where as actually it was the splitting up that was important. I don’t think he thinks that way but the way, I suspect it’s just an easy way of describing a life event that spurred him on to better things.

Elvira2000 · 12/01/2023 04:10

I understand. I have a work colleague who refers to "my ex". It makes their relationship sound like she is still significant and present in his life.

I have been married for 15 years. There is no way me or my husband would say "my ex". We haven't got anyone recent or present enough.

Maybe it's his relationship with ex that is the issue though and not how he refers to her in the OP's case.

supercali77 · 12/01/2023 06:29

The phrase 'my ex' is so common, everyone says it? I don't think the phrasing is the issue so much as the fact that their relationship is trotted out every time he recounts his story. I have a terrible ex, nearly financially ruined me, but leaving kicked me up the arse. I dont recount him as part of it because I've let go of most of the bitterness, also he doesn't deserve a part in this story.