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Original poster

DP referring to his ex as ‘my ex’

93 replies

whomoon · 11/01/2023 23:59

DP was in a long term relationship that ended 5 years ago. She cheated and it was traumatic for him. He often refers to this as a significant life event as it played a part in him taking risks (setting up his own company) which he may not have done whilst still in that relationship.

When he discusses the origins of his company, he will sometimes explain the story of where it began, adding the breakdown of his relationship but refers to it as ‘my ex’.

I feel by him saying ‘my ex’ it refers to her directly and it somehow keeps her present in his here and now. As though she has a credit to where his life is now.

I think saying ‘past relationship’ would be more sensitive to his current life with me. Rather than ‘she’ did this to me, it would be ‘the breakdown of my relationship’ made me make this life choice.

I’m not worried or jealous, but feel his word choice could do with updating. But understand it was a traumatic time for him.

Is this worth even thinking about? We’re very open so will talk with him about it, just wondered others opinions.

OP posts:
TenoringBehind · 12/01/2023 07:39

YABVU

aSofaNearYou · 12/01/2023 07:40

I sort of get what you mean OP but I think overanalysing the words is probably just avoiding the fact that he probably just talks about her too much in general. He's keeping her too central in his life.

barmycatmum · 12/01/2023 07:41

If someone had issues with me saying “my ex,” I would consider it a red flag. Are you jealous and possessive in other ways? Best to look at that while you can still tone it down.

UNLESS he is simply talking about her a lot, triangulating and such. That would shed a whole new light on things- that kind of behavior is intolerable.

tasamoon · 12/01/2023 07:41

Hm, at first glance I thought, worrying about nothing.

Then I thought - how would I refer to such a person? And it was quite hard to think, as I very rarely feel the need to talk about any past boyfriends these days.

Does he talk about her a lot?

Are you both quite young? Is it a recently ended relationship?

When it comes up, I might say something like, "I used to go out with a French guy" or "I went to Glastonbury with the guy I was seeing at the time." I wouldn't really talk about "my ex" .

I don't really think I hear people my age talking about "my ex" unless it is an ex wife, who they have a continuing need to refer to due to childcare arrangements or whatever.

But I think the problem is more about how this indicates how much he is thinking and talking about her, rather than exactly what he calls her.

PaleBlueStar · 12/01/2023 07:43

I think us women can over think things and worry about stuff that isn't an issue. I find myself doing it too (my BF still connected with a woman he had a relationship after his divorce on Insta) but actually so what.

I realised in my case it was a kind of insecurity which is madness as he's the love of my life.

I also accept that some of his relationships shaped who he is including his Ex wife and mother of his kids just as I have had significant relationships too.

Just be happy my friend.

holierthanthou73 · 12/01/2023 07:53

Fgs

Username6194 · 12/01/2023 07:55

Completely ridiculous.

Controlling someone else's language is really not on.

keeponkeepingon2020 · 12/01/2023 07:57

dontknowwhatisbest · 12/01/2023 07:18

Yes, this. Saying something like... "A relationship breakdown gave me the impetus to take a different direction" is more professional than saying "When I broke up with my ex". Language matters.

Show quote history

I agree with this poster and you OP. Language and do context matter. Your feelings matter. It also gives a feeling of pain and bitterness from his past - which is absolutely understandable of course - but hopefully he will be moving towards feeling more settled.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 12/01/2023 07:57

Commonly used expression, as many have said before me! However, if you think he is still a little fixated, then that's a separate issue, and worth discussing, if you do it when you're not upset about it. I've had this. A discussion about the amount of times ex was mentioned helped enormously.

maddy68 · 12/01/2023 08:02

No you are being weird. It's the obvious thing to refer to her as his ex. That's what she is

JudgeRudy · 12/01/2023 08:19

Is it the use of MY you don't like? That is the the correct term and denotes association to the subject but not necessarily an emotional attachment. How would you feel if he said "my boss" or "my next door neighbour".
I think in this scenario Ex says far more than My and you're being ridiculous. Keep this up and you too could be referred to as my ex!

diddl · 12/01/2023 08:24

get it Op.

In some ways it's giving her some importance still-is that it?

Is she his only ex?

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 12/01/2023 08:35

whomoon · 11/01/2023 23:59

DP was in a long term relationship that ended 5 years ago. She cheated and it was traumatic for him. He often refers to this as a significant life event as it played a part in him taking risks (setting up his own company) which he may not have done whilst still in that relationship.

When he discusses the origins of his company, he will sometimes explain the story of where it began, adding the breakdown of his relationship but refers to it as ‘my ex’.

I feel by him saying ‘my ex’ it refers to her directly and it somehow keeps her present in his here and now. As though she has a credit to where his life is now.

I think saying ‘past relationship’ would be more sensitive to his current life with me. Rather than ‘she’ did this to me, it would be ‘the breakdown of my relationship’ made me make this life choice.

I’m not worried or jealous, but feel his word choice could do with updating. But understand it was a traumatic time for him.

Is this worth even thinking about? We’re very open so will talk with him about it, just wondered others opinions.

She is his ex, no issue here only than the one you are creating.

warmzebra · 12/01/2023 08:40

YABU, but I also totally understand where you're coming from. "An ex", "a past relationship", etc feels more impersonal.

If it helps, could you be looking at it through the lenses of how you think about your own exes? I think of "my ex" and our shared history in a pretty fond way, although there was of course antagonism towards the end. But I've heard girlfriends say "my ex" in a disgusted and impersonal way.

Fushiadreams · 12/01/2023 08:45

I don’t know why yoire saying you’re not jealous. This is peak jealousy, the guy can’t even say my ex which is a totally normal thing to say

I think I’d deal with that.

AtomicRitual · 12/01/2023 09:11

I was in a long term relationship with my ex, and that relationship led me to the job I'm in now. When people ask me how I ended up here (in a different area from where I grew up) I will always say "I moved to be with my now-ex".

My DH had a long term relationship before me and he'll sometimes say "My ex and I went there years ago", for example.

I honestly don't see an issue with it. When you've had someone in your life for, in my case, 5 years, who saw you through some significant milestones, they will always be a part of your life, even if they turned out to be the most evil narcissist. It's very difficult to cut them out from your life story.

PenanceAdair · 12/01/2023 09:13

Everyone says "my ex".

I almost never use this word ('controlling') and think most people misuse it but this time, I think you're being a tad bit controlling to want him to use "past relationship" rather than "my ex". If nothing else, the former is more of a mouthful.

CatSpeakForDummies · 12/01/2023 13:25

I think if he says "my ex" in a casual conversational context, such as "yes, I've been to Iceland, but with my ex," that's a non issue.

However, when talking professionally it would be better to talk only about his experiences "following a relationship breakdown, I re-evaluated..." this confers ownership of the situation and choices to him. I would find it quite odd for someone to say "I set this up because my ex, from 5 years ago, cheated on me," or something as it diverts the focus from him and it'd be hard to know how to reply. If I've just met him, I don't think I want to hear about his old girlfriends or specifics.

Honeyroar · 12/01/2023 13:29

I still refer to my ex - it was 20 years ago. Basically because I can barely remember his name sometimes, he has absolutely no status other than that in my life,

BitOutOfPractice · 12/01/2023 14:10

I love the way you've called them "his ex" in the title but are upset at him for calling them "my ex" 😀

kitsuneghost · 12/01/2023 14:13

you sound hard work

KettrickenSmiled · 12/01/2023 14:28

I’m not worried or jealous,
Yeah, you are.
There is something driving you to nitpick semantics in this pointless & destructive way.
You'd do better to figure out what that is, than demand your partner changes the way HE chooses to talk about HIS life.

but feel his word choice could do with updating. But understand it was a traumatic time for him.
Why?
What do you feel the difference is between "ex" & "previous relationship"?
You seem to want to remove the fact of a whole human person, & have your partner talk about her as a de-personalised part of a relationship structure, instead of an actual woman.
What is pushing you to be so micromanaging & controlling?

Is this worth even thinking about?
No!

mindutopia · 12/01/2023 14:49

I mean I sometimes still talk about my ex....and I've been married for 12 years. To make matters worse, my ex has the same name as my dh, and I often have to clarify which one I'm talking about if the context isn't obvious. We are all influenced by significant people and events in our lives, as long as they aren't going out for dinner and drinks regularly, I'd let it slide.

Strugglingtodomybest · 12/01/2023 15:13

I’m not worried or jealous, but feel his word choice could do with updating.

if you're not worried or jealous, what are you then? because there's definitely something going on to make you post about it on Mumsnet.

I really don't think it's a good idea to start dictating what words or phrases other people use when they're speaking about their own lives and experiences.

TerraNostra · 12/01/2023 15:32

tasamoon · 12/01/2023 07:41

Hm, at first glance I thought, worrying about nothing.

Then I thought - how would I refer to such a person? And it was quite hard to think, as I very rarely feel the need to talk about any past boyfriends these days.

Does he talk about her a lot?

Are you both quite young? Is it a recently ended relationship?

When it comes up, I might say something like, "I used to go out with a French guy" or "I went to Glastonbury with the guy I was seeing at the time." I wouldn't really talk about "my ex" .

I don't really think I hear people my age talking about "my ex" unless it is an ex wife, who they have a continuing need to refer to due to childcare arrangements or whatever.

But I think the problem is more about how this indicates how much he is thinking and talking about her, rather than exactly what he calls her.

I think this nails it.
I can see why it doesn’t quite sit right with you OP.