DP referring to his ex as ‘my ex’

[whomoon]

DP was in a long term relationship that ended 5 years ago. She cheated and it was traumatic for him. He often refers to this as a significant life event as it played a part in him taking risks (setting up his own company) which he may not have done whilst still in that relationship.

When he discusses the origins of his company, he will sometimes explain the story of where it began, adding the breakdown of his relationship but refers to it as ‘my ex’.

I feel by him saying ‘my ex’ it refers to her directly and it somehow keeps her present in his here and now. As though she has a credit to where his life is now.

I think saying ‘past relationship’ would be more sensitive to his current life with me. Rather than ‘she’ did this to me, it would be ‘the breakdown of my relationship’ made me make this life choice.

I’m not worried or jealous, but feel his word choice could do with updating. But understand it was a traumatic time for him.

Is this worth even thinking about? We’re very open so will talk with him about it, just wondered others opinions.

I’m not worried or jealous,

I would hazard a guess you’re both. Plus a touch odd.

How long have you been with him? And how often does he actually talk about the conception of his business?

I'm not sure I'd use the term "my ex" although I don't know why. Just not a term I use. What it signifies I think is that the relationship was long enough or serious or significant enough to call an ex. You wouldn't call something super casual or a fling an ex, for example. Maybe that's what you don't like about it. But I basically think YABVU to be policing another person's language or thinking it's something you should have a right to get him to change. The way he refers to his past relationships is surely up to him - it's his past and his past relationship. You say it sounds current but if you said "my past" that doesn't mean it's in the present. Whilst I don't tend to say "my ex" I find "my past relationship" just as alien-sounding. I don't think it's up to you to tell someone else how to refer to these things. There is nothing disrespectful to you about it. If he had been married and had an ex-wife, would you find the term "ex-wife" problematic too? I don't think you'd expect a person to only refer to a past marriage, but never an ex spouse?

The only person, I'd have thought, who might have the right to object to the "my ex" comments is the ex.

Silly.

But.. it is his ex. I mean I don't really talk about my ex's but I do say they're my ex's and not my past relationships. I've been with DP for 11 years.

It's not your ex is it? So his Ex is correct!

Move along, if this troubles you, then you will have a bumpy ride in life!

Previously said YABU but I think harsh PPs are missing out the context.

If it's a few times it would be perfectly normal, but seems like he mentions his ex fairly frequently during personal and professional talk about his company's story... If so honestly "my past relationship" sounds more fitting and professional than "my ex", "my ex", "my ex".

I actually started my own business with my mum's encouragement and help, but — depending on context / setting — instead of saying "my mum", "my mum", "my mum", I often swap it out for "family support".

I would personally not bring this up as wouldn't want to seem petty or controlling but I can totally see where OP is coming from

I actually also sometimes talk about mental health/uni experiences in the context of my business and say "a past failed relationship".

That said, when I really AM talking about my ex, for example to friends, and his personality etc is relevant, I simply say "my ex".

Me too. I prefer to refer to “my ex” as “the kids’ dad” to other people / my current partner. It feels a little less connected to me somehow than “my ex”. Even though he’s a relatively recent ex and a v long r’ship.

clearly people don’t have that option if the ex isn’t the parent of their kids 😂.

I wonder @whomoon do you feel he mentions her more than he needs to? Might that be the cause of your discomfort?

I sometimes worry that I do to my DP. Though as I was with him 20 years an awful lot of my past stories etc do involve him - so it would be artificial to not ever refer to him. I don’t talk about the marriage breakdown a lot though. That only needs telling the once 😂

I love the way people are talking about "my ex" like they've only had one.

Am I the only trollop who says "an ex-boyfriend" vaguely. Sometimes, just "a friend". But if i need to be more specific "the bloke I went out with for 2 years in dublin" or "that bloke who I met in the dog and duck"?

(Not that i ever have the need to mention anything to my husband. Why do I need describe who I went to Prague with 20 years ago, for example? Could have a boyfriend or a mate or by myself). I don't get people who mention exs casually.

This reminds me of a thread where the second wife, didn't like her partner's ex wife referring to their children as 'our children'... when that's exactly what they were.

She preferred "the children" or that the ex say their names.

You just can't censor his other people speak, ESPECIALLY when it's factually correct.

My ex is my ex what else am I going to call my ex husband? A failed relationship seems rather odd to say and an ex puts it as an insignificant relationship when he was part of my life for a long time.

I mean I could call him the tw*t I married or something similar I suppose.

I go with 'shitface'

I go with 'shitface'

😂😂😂

She is his ex

It seems that ehat OP doesn't like, is the fact that his current success in business, stemmed from risks he took when his ex cheated.

It doesn't sound like he continuously talks about his ex...only when it's in reference to the origins of his business.

She doesn't like the fact that another woman...could be indirectly attributed to his successful business. Unfortunately...it is what it is.

He took a path in life that he may otherwise not have taken. Who knows.

Good things often come out of bad situations. Every cloud has a silver lining as they say.

If he's had a business for 5 years how often does this conversation and the need for him to mention it started due to a break up with his ex really come up?

It’s all just semantics really.

The bigger issue for me would be his need to bring up the ex at all - especially since it ended 5 years ago!

Sounds like she’s living rent free in his head and he needs to move on. Is that the issue?

This, we both do.