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Original poster

DP referring to his ex as ‘my ex’

93 replies

whomoon · 11/01/2023 23:59

DP was in a long term relationship that ended 5 years ago. She cheated and it was traumatic for him. He often refers to this as a significant life event as it played a part in him taking risks (setting up his own company) which he may not have done whilst still in that relationship.

When he discusses the origins of his company, he will sometimes explain the story of where it began, adding the breakdown of his relationship but refers to it as ‘my ex’.

I feel by him saying ‘my ex’ it refers to her directly and it somehow keeps her present in his here and now. As though she has a credit to where his life is now.

I think saying ‘past relationship’ would be more sensitive to his current life with me. Rather than ‘she’ did this to me, it would be ‘the breakdown of my relationship’ made me make this life choice.

I’m not worried or jealous, but feel his word choice could do with updating. But understand it was a traumatic time for him.

Is this worth even thinking about? We’re very open so will talk with him about it, just wondered others opinions.

OP posts:
Tigger7654 · 12/01/2023 06:34

Everyone refers to their ex as my ex. You're overthinking and you are definitely jealous, sorry 🤷

Nicecow · 12/01/2023 06:34

But he is her ex. Everyone calls their ex their ex?? Maybe he could say 'The ex' but tbh you are BVU

Zanatdy · 12/01/2023 06:36

God I say ‘my ex or the ex’ to my new bf all the time. It wouldn’t even fit right saying past relationship for me. I might say ‘my ex texted me to say he’s staying in x country longer’ - I couldn’t replace my ex with my past relationship in this context. Why does it matter? I’m actually with someone who has no issue talking about exes and it’s so refreshing. I also have no issue with him talking about exes, I mean he’s 49yrs old, he’s got a history, that’s fine. Jealously is not a good trait in a relationship and I’ve had my fill of jealous men. I think it sounds like him referring to her at all is what is bothering you, not the language used

Underroad · 12/01/2023 06:51

You’re not being reasonable here. ‘My ex’ is a common term that everyone uses. She does have some sort of connection to him because she was a significant part of his past. People who were significant on the past are not always significant in someone’s life any more but they had a connection to them once! You sound jealous and controlling and it’s worrying that you’re trying to censor what he says.

Underroad · 12/01/2023 06:52

Sorry - I meant you ARE being unreasonable here.

Darhon · 12/01/2023 06:54

I was with my ex for a couple of decades. Nearly half my life. Very hard to not mention half my life.

YRGAM · 12/01/2023 06:58

Insanity

MyLittleSausageDog · 12/01/2023 06:58

Way too precious about this OP. My DH refers to his ex-wife by name, as well as ‘ex-wife’ (depending on who he’s talking to). It doesn’t bother me. We’re together, we love each other and their relationship is in the past 🤷‍♀️

pelargoniums · 12/01/2023 06:59

if my partner wanted me to “update my language” and stop referring to my ex as my ex, I’d consider making him my ex as well. Weird and controlling.

dontknowwhatisbest · 12/01/2023 07:05

I do get exaxtlynwhat you mean OP. It's like it gives her a place in his current life - "my girlfriend, my mum, my brother, my ex". I can't quite explain why but I do get it. Especially in the context of a story that reinforces her significance. Saying "an ex" and not "MY ex" would be quite different.

From the other replies it does seem most other people wouldn't feel the same though.

GreyCarpet · 12/01/2023 07:06

I see your point but I think you are oversensitive to the use of the possessive pronoun in this, which would still need to be present if he used 'past relationship'. He would still say "my past relationship".

Youre arguing it on semantics.It would mean the same thing. The impact on him would be the same and would still elicit the same feelings and responses from him even if it were easier for you to hear.

Besides, "my past relationship" is 6 syllables; "my ex" is 2. So quicker to say.

AnyFucker · 12/01/2023 07:07

Is this worth even thinking about?

No

Whatistheanswer2023 · 12/01/2023 07:08

I get why the ‘my’ might bother you. But it’s probably your insecurity. I don’t think you like how that relationship has lead to decisions in your DPs life. You don’t like the fact it was an important event and you kind of want her out of your lives.

But it’s important to your DP as it was so significant and the break-up was transformative for him, for him to own that change in his life. So using the word ‘my ex’ no matter how common it might be doesn’t ‘other’ the relationship (like you’re trying to do) it makes it part of him, which it is and importantly so.

Therefore after all of above I’d say just leave it to him OP. Don’t change his ‘narrative’ or his ‘truth’ sorry to go all heir and spare on you!

tickychicky · 12/01/2023 07:10

I didn't get where you were coming from until I read some of these other replies. I think in a professional setting you are right, he should be saying "relationship breakdown" or similar and keep the focus on him rather than another person.

MiniHouse · 12/01/2023 07:10

Is there more to this? Like does he talk about her a lot?

My ex is a normal phrase and clearly refers to a past relationship. So I wonder what is actually bothering you here?

VioletaDelValle · 12/01/2023 07:16

It's a perfectly normal turn of phrase.
I refer to my ex husband as either 'my-ex' or 'ex-husband'.
It's descriptive 🤷🏼‍♀️

dontknowwhatisbest · 12/01/2023 07:18

tickychicky · 12/01/2023 07:10

I didn't get where you were coming from until I read some of these other replies. I think in a professional setting you are right, he should be saying "relationship breakdown" or similar and keep the focus on him rather than another person.

Yes, this. Saying something like... "A relationship breakdown gave me the impetus to take a different direction" is more professional than saying "When I broke up with my ex". Language matters.

5YearsLeft · 12/01/2023 07:19

How would this even work? As PPs have pointed out.
”I used to go to this restaurant with my past relationship.”
”My past relationship was really a twat.”
”Yes, my past relationship always drank Diet Coke.”
Just… what. Yes, you are overthinking it, and the fact you want to replace a singular noun with a common noun does make it look like bizarre insecurity. He DOES have a connection to his ex, it will always be there, and he’s allowed to mention her (unless he’s doing it every five minutes, which is a different issue). If you’re feeling insecure, I recommend working on that, so you can have a healthy, er, present relationship.

Howeverdoyouneedme · 12/01/2023 07:20

Maybe it’s how often he refers to her. I never really have to refer to anyone I used to be in a relationship with as, well why would I? Is he mentioning her more often than would seem normal? Did it make you think he’s not over her?

tickychicky · 12/01/2023 07:23

dontknowwhatisbest · 12/01/2023 07:18

Yes, this. Saying something like... "A relationship breakdown gave me the impetus to take a different direction" is more professional than saying "When I broke up with my ex". Language matters.

Show quote history

That's a great way of explaining it thank you. There are going to be times he may have to refer to his ex-partner, but if he can shift the focus to him it's much better professionally.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 12/01/2023 07:24

I had this with someone (an ex !)

the issue was he wasn’t over his ex
in any way shape Or form

so when he said ‘my ex’ my tummy went

dontknowwhatisbest · 12/01/2023 07:29

”I used to go to this restaurant with my past relationship.”

No, obviously that doesn't make sense. But "I came here with an old girlfriend" conveys the correct meaning without over-emphasing the one-and-only-so-significant "MY EX" thing.

liveforsummer · 12/01/2023 07:32

Yes, this. Saying something like... "A relationship breakdown gave me the impetus to take a different direction" is more professional than saying "When I broke up with my ex". Language matters.

Depends on the type of business really whether that level of formality is required. I'm guessing in this case it isn't or he'd be using that more formal language

WandaWonder · 12/01/2023 07:36

I guess I think the way a current partner speaks of an ex can be the way they speak of you (a general you) and how they treat people in general

So if a current partner speaks rudely about an ex that to me shows me little respect towards me I would find

Sickofcoughing · 12/01/2023 07:37

I think I get it OP. He's putting her as a person at the centre of his present business. He's keeping HER in his present in a way instead of saying "I went through a breakup which led me to..." which would be about his own experience and personal response.

I think you are very sensitive to his language about this and (assuming that's not how you are usually) it might be a symptom of how you feel in the relationship. Do you feel like a priority for him?

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