Ghosted by friend of 35 years

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I've been ghosted by a close friend of 35 years for no reason that is apparent to me. This happened 3 months ago.
After having a few messages ignored, I did reach out to ask why in November but was left as unread.

It's clear from her Facebook posts that nothing awful has happened in her life to stop her being in touch so obviously she just doesn't want to be.

I've now accepted that the friendship is over and that at this point I wouldn't want it back anyway as it's been so painful to go through. My friend isn't local but we had long phonecalls most weeks.

It's taking me a long time though to get over it. I still think about it every day, usually more than once a day, and today I actually cried about it. I am having counselling at the moment so I do have support. Does anyone have any advice as to how to lessen the painful feelings or is it simply a matter of more time required?

What’s her family situation? Married? Kids? Elderly parents?

I wouldn’t take Facebook as a measure of how well/badly her life is going.

I’d be hurt in this situation too, but I’d wait for her to contact me.

It's horrible, and it's a cowardly, nasty way for someone to end a friendship. It happened to me, too, although I'd only know her for about 15 years.

I had counselling last year (depression) and mentioned about being ghosted by this "friend". I cried about her. The counsellor advised me to write a letter to this woman, saying how I felt etc., but NOT send it. I had got used to not having her in my life (15 months since I last saw her) and then she texted me at Christmas! I replied, politely, we exchanged some pleasantries about family etc., and now I've blocked her altogether. I've been the "bigger person" and don't need her - my family and genuine friends are all there for me, and she hasn't got that in her life. You need to find a way of doing the same.

This happened to me with my best friend of 40 years about 5 years ago. It was enormously painful. I never found out why but I did have a random conversation with another one of her close friends, who lives abroad, who I bumped into late last year when she was home. She mentioned she had done the same to her.

All I can say is that’s it’s like a bereavement. It really knocked my confidence in myself and it made me feel like shit frankly. I’ve come to terms with it now, and I wish her well, it’s taken a while to get there.

Can you speak to her directly? Call her at the time she’s available?Are these text messages to her phone number(has she changed it) or what’s up/messenger type?
If she doesn’t answer a couple of times(again,has she changed the phone number) then it’s clear she doesn’t want to speak to you.If that’s the case then sadly accept you’ll never get closure as to why she decided to cut you off and move on.
Sorry, sometimes we think because we’ve been friends for so long we’ll be friends forever,sadly it’s not always the case.

That's horrible. Similar happened with my best friend of 37 years. She told me it was because I wasn't interested in her Covid conspiracy theories eventually. She had no reason to think this just that I would try to turn the conversation to something normal. We reconciled for my wedding then it went sour. It's horrible but you have to try to move on. I did send my friend a photo book I had made for her birthday and put a note in saying I was there if she wanted to talk. I think that helped reconcile but in the end she couldn't let it go.

I think it's clear she doesn't want to speak to me as she said so in a message, it's just not at all clear why.

I don't want to continue the friendship at this point so I don't actually want her to get back in touch. It's been too long already and too painful.

@WhatDoYouWantNow it seems amazing that your friend got in touch after 15 months! Did she tell you why she ghosted you, and why she got back in touch?

I haven't blocked and deleted my friend as yet, I'm not sure if this would help.

@teaandtoastwithmarmite that's such a weird reason for her to end the friendship. I'm sorry this happened to you.

@FrenchBoule I truly thought we'd be friends forever.

@teaandtoastwithmarmite I'm so sorry to hear this - but also it must have been horrible to watch a good friend turn into an absolute idiot. You presumably would have lost respect for them over time if they kept banging on about conspiracy theories. Did they have a particular bad pandemic that made them susceptible to disinformation?

Omg I could have written your post. Best friend of mine did the same.
It left me very very confused. She then invited me to her wedding where I found all her other friends had parts, and had gone on a hen do. Of course she can choose who she likes, but it made it very clear to me how much I meant to her.
I have some idea what it was potentially about, but she hasn't tried to talk to me about it. She also was very aloof when my husband left me and and through a very tough time in my life!!
It's really hurt me but I came to the conclusion to block her on social media etc as to have a clean breke from her.

I ended a 40+ year friendship. I cowardly tried to just let contact die but of course that didn’t work. I did have 2 conversations with my friend to explain why I could no longer connect with her (it was due to her treatment of other people, that I eventually had enough of). My friend still struggled to understand as she didn’t see an issue in her behaviour. Neither did my abusive ex husband when I divorced him. An explanation should be given to help you

@Andywarholswig I'm sorry this happened to you. I am also finding it like a bereavement. How long did it take you to move on from the painful feelings?

I've definitely made considerable progress over the last 3 months but I still think of it every day.

This happened to me a few years ago. I had a friend whose DH had died of the same illness as my DH. She and her DH were friends with my DH before I met him. We supported each other and spent lots of time together socially, taking our DC on holiday and were very involved in each other's lives. Then she just ghosted me out of the blue.
She was meant to be coming to my house for dinner but didn't turn up. No response to any contact. No contact for a couple of years. Then out of nowhere she sent me a Christmas card. I was surprised and sent one to her the next year but nothing from her. Then I moved house and she will have no idea where I am now so that's it.

@Bluebellbike that's so strange

@Justmeandme19 I'm sorry you went through this. I'm wondering at the moment whether blocking her would be helpful or not. If she tried to contact me at this point I probably wouldn't want to respond anyway. I am finding it so painful that I couldn't consider patching things up and it happening again later on. Even if my friend actually wants to patch things up at some point.

Forget about her and concentrate on your other friends. I know its hard as you've known her so long. But knowing someone that long doesn't make a friendship. You could meet someone tomorrow who could end up meaning so much more to you. X

OP, I had a good friend since I was a teenager,we were like sisters. Our paths in life parted ((I emigrated) but we always kept in touch. I went to my home country for the funeral a few years back and our friendship was as strong as ever (or so I thought). Less than a year after my visit it all petered out. She just started to avoid me/make excuses when I called. I dropped the rope and never heard from her again. Hard to forget, especially at Christmas and birthdays when there’s no usual exchange of messages.

Another one has turned on me. I haven’t got a clue why- well, I was accused of badmouthing her (I haven’t done it),played hot and cold,was screamed at and blanked out also ostracised at work by some cooworkers (we worked together, now luckily in different departments)

Hurts like hell. Time is the healer but will never get closure as to why they decided to drop me like that. I’m all for talking, explaining, I apologise if I’m wrong. I wasn’t given a chance to put my (whatever they were) wrongs into right.

I made peace with that.

Somebody said „people are for reason,season or lifetime”. People come and go in/out of our lives. Treasure the good ones and don’t dwell on the rest.

💐

Why did you message back to her and then block her? Why message back?

It’s happened to me. But I’ve also done it to someone else.

My oldest friend basically stopped talking to me. I’d ask to meet up and she’d say she had no time etc etc.
At the time I was pretty upset but in hindsight I realised she clearly didn’t want to have a show down. She just didn’t want /value the relationship anymore.
Maybe I’d upset her but I genuinely think our lives had just moved on and she had recognised that and I hadn’t. We do have mutual friends and I found out she’d had failed IVF and I think that might not have helped.

i did it to a friend who I found completely overwhelming.

She was a nice person but had she not moved away I think the friendship would have fizzled out because she only visited every now and again she’d always want to spend whole time with me and not take no for an answer.
I tried being honest about time constraints etc but she wouldn’t have it. I basically didn’t went to do a character assassination on her so I just stopped replying. I didn’t feel good about it but I had a dying parent at the time, who she took no interest in, and I didn’t have enough emotional energy to deal with her.

It’s sad when it happens but I do feel someone must have their reasons. That’s not to say you are to blame it could be very much to do with them and their life at the moment. I’d just be inclined to leave them to it and maybe later down the line you might hear from them. At that point you may be interested in rebuilding the friendship or you have no desire to hear from them again.

if my ex friend contacted me, I’d be happy to hear how her life was going but I think I’d leave it at that.

I know I wouldn’t contact the person I stopped replying too. My life is much nicer without them in it.

I would always always call her, or better still go to her house, look her in the eye. Talk it out. Remain open to anything she may say. Don't be defensive and talk through what her reasons are.

There is no way I would walk away without a proper debate and discussion, the best way to achieve closure is to find out the truth. The truth might not be what you imagine or even anything to do with you.

One of the things which really helped me was to decide not to define the relationship with my lost friend by how it ended. Sad as it may be, people come and go from our lives. Why does friendship have to be forever to have been worthwhile? And why does the end get to override the good stuff at the beginning and the middle? Time from the ending does help in this: I can now look back at photos, or think about things we did together, or read a random WhatsApp message if it appears in a search when I’m looking for another message from someone else entirely, and be really glad that the friendship happened even if it’s no longer there - in some ways, with distance, I think the suddenness of the ending was a boon because it means that, whilst I know things were clearly wrong behind the scenes for the friendship to end, the memories aren’t marred by any long and drawn out falling out or arguing period.

I also think it’s really valuable to acknowledge that we all have a tendency to judge other people by their actions even whilst we judge ourselves by our intentions; and that looking at it the other way around can change the focus. You only see your former friend’s action of ghosting you; you can’t see what she may have intended in doing that: perhaps it was because the reasons were too painful for her to explain, or she herself struggled in the decision of whether to end the friendship, or she felt she would hurt you more in being honest. You’ll never know, but I doubt she just woke up one day and decided to cut you out of her life.

Several years down the line now, I’d welcome both of my former friends back into my life we’re we able to make some sense of what happened and then put it behind us immediately, I wouldn’t now require an explanation or an apology. I very much doubt it will ever happen in either case, and I’m also totally at peace with that now. As far as I know they’re both doing well, and that’s all that counts.

Does anyone have any advice as to how to lessen the painful feelings

acknowledge what you’re feeling… you haven’t actually said. ‘Painful’ is a bit of an avoidance/holding it at bay kind of word… what do you actually feel?

sad
rejected
abandoned
betrayed
surprised
relieved
confused
hopeful - or unfulfilled hope?
angry
etc

and definitely share with your counsellor as they can help you learn the skills to acknowledge your feelings and hold them and - if it’s the right type of counselling approach - to really feel them (move them from thinking in your head to feeling in your body). Also they can help you make any links to the past - is this relationship reminding you of any other important relationships in your life eg parents?

When you feel the feelings and let them in they will become more tolerable and perhaps even pass. It’s not time that does this, it’s the inner work that does it.

@Blip
I think it's clear she doesn't want to speak to me as she said so in a message, it's just not at all clear why.

What did the message say?

I'm also wondering this. I thought initially that you had been ghosted point blank, but it sounds like your friend at some point stated she doesn't want to speak to you?

I have guilt over dropping someone without telling them why, I had just realised that we were on very different wavelengths now - but it wasn't something I wanted to have a discussion about or confront, I just wanted to move on. She seemed fixated on other people's weight, and whether or not someone was married or not (always the first question she asked when talking about someone, 'are they married?') I am not married and have had a bit of a turbulent life and love life and so this question always made me feel small. She had married her love from University and had two children and her world seemed to become small. We just faded out but I still feel bad about it.