Ghosted by friend of 35 years

[Blip]

I've been ghosted by a close friend of 35 years for no reason that is apparent to me. This happened 3 months ago.
After having a few messages ignored, I did reach out to ask why in November but was left as unread.

It's clear from her Facebook posts that nothing awful has happened in her life to stop her being in touch so obviously she just doesn't want to be.

I've now accepted that the friendship is over and that at this point I wouldn't want it back anyway as it's been so painful to go through. My friend isn't local but we had long phonecalls most weeks.

It's taking me a long time though to get over it. I still think about it every day, usually more than once a day, and today I actually cried about it. I am having counselling at the moment so I do have support. Does anyone have any advice as to how to lessen the painful feelings or is it simply a matter of more time required?

@Blip I thought we'd be friends forever as well. I treated her like a sister but I'd trust my brother above her to stick by me

I came off Facebook because of this. It hurts to see their life has carried on as normal when you are so hurt. Now I do not think about it at all. I have remarried and have beautiful kids. Coming off FB was a game changer.

Sorry you’ve been so hurt by this. It happened to my closest friend with one of her other friends. So rude and immature and she was left very hurt and confused. The problem is with the person who does the ghosting, it’s a nasty thing to do and proves they are unstable and unkind if they can’t behave in a civil and polite way.

We don't have any mutual friends so it's nothing involving another person.

The only thing that was happening at that time is that I was making a plan for a brief (less than 24 hour) visit to her part of the country with my DH, for a specific purpose, and did not ask her to meet up with me. In reverse, I wouldn't expect for her to necessarily try to meet up with me but she probably would try to. My friend doesn't have a partner though so would always be travelling alone. She doesn't particularly get on with my DH so it would have meant either all three of us spending time together or leaving DH alone during this rare and very limited time we were planning on spending together and when we had important things that we needed to do.

She also didn't suggest that we meet up when she knew I was planning a trip but that's literally the only thing I can come up with as a possible reason.

This happened to me too. A very close friend I'd known since schooldays moved house without telling me, didn't give me her new address, and stopped answering emails. That was more than twenty years ago, and I still wonder why.

I've been thinking about why I've let friendships fade, and generally it has been issues that I wasn't brave enough to mention.

One woman constantly left her 11 year old to babysit three younger siblings when we went out, and her daughter would constantly text her, it really worried me and I stopped accepting invitations. Then she drove a few times with her kids in the car drunk. I did mention the drink driving, and she called me an uptight old cow, friendship mutually ended.

Given your last post, op, it could well be the trip she knew you were arranging.

How long has she been single and you married?

An imbalance can develop over time. You say that she probably would suggest meeting up in the reverse scenario but then she would be travelling alone.

It’s not always a comfortable place to be the one ‘more like to suggest a meeting’

@Katherine1985 she has been single for maybe 15 years, I have been married for 25 years.

@YukoandHiro thank you. Not really. Well no one died. My dad died during the pandemic and he went into a care home just before that for what was meant to be a few weeks but he couldn't see any of us. Only my brother through a window. She had some money issues and was starting to return to work after the birth of her dd but was struggling to get a job (driving) due to some of the restrictions but I wouldn't say she had it worse than anyone else. She did used to say stuff like well as long as your precious wedding is ok then never mind anything else. I was not a bridezilla in any way. She just fell down a YouTube and twitter rabbit hole.

And before that it was other stuff.

@Blip if she can't tell you she really isn't worthy of your friendship

@teaandtoastwithmarmite thank you

So sorry for your loss . A loss during the pandemic sounds so much more traumatic and painful too.

Thank you. She was good then but started going on about my mum and how I'd feel if she died and I hadn't seen her because I was 'keeping her safe'. Anyway sorry I didn't mean to derail your thread. Your 'friend' doesn't deserve you

Just explaining how yes it was worse due to the pandemic as he was alone and that was somehow down to me 🙄

Whilst I wouldn’t feel the same way myself in the situation, I can see this being quite hurtful from her perspective. You had a long distance friendship where you had long phonecalls every week; yet given an opportunity to actually see her in person, she wasn’t your priority. So in her eyes, she’s good enough when you’re bored at home and want a natter but otherwise disposable. Add to that that she’s long-term single and the reason for you not wanting to see her when you were close by was not wanting to be apart your DH and that’s going to be a little extra sting. If I’m visiting my old home town but know I have no time for meeting up with my old friends who still live there, I just don’t tell them I’ll be in town. Telling somebody you’ll be in their area and then in the next breath telling them you have no time to see them seems a bit unkind.

With the “action versus intention” gaze I mentioned in my earlier post, your perspective is obviously that you were completely reasonable because this was rare and special time with your DH and you obviously didn’t intend to hurt her or make her feel unimportant. What she sees though is just what she perceives is your action of casting her aside.

when a 'good friend' of ten years ghosted me out of nowhere, i later found out was because she'd shagged my ex husband and was hoping to be my replacement and when he dumped her, she ghosted me. i know you cant see it now, but she's probably done you a massive favour.

@northernlight20 that really is the worst betrayal, I'm so sorry you had to go through that

@ComtesseDeSpair I'm very grateful for this take which may well be what my friend is feeling. I didn't actually tell my friend I didn't have time to see her on my trip but I also didn't make an arrangement to see her. Neither though did she ask me to meet up.

It's fair to say that I do prioritise my DH and my DD over my friend, as much as I love her, and that priority is not likely to change. She has no partner and no DC so is in a different situation. I guess the relationship lacks balance in that respect and maybe this is why she has had enough.

It seems you meant more to her than she to you, very clearly demonstrated when you travelled to her area but didn't prioritise seeing her. Not even for a drink? That's probably why she's hurt. It's a very blatant / harsh way of showing your priorities.

How much does the friendship mean to you? Is it worth explaining how you weren't able to meet up, and how sorry you are you didn't get to see her? Or did you do that at the time?

She ghosted me five days before the trip was scheduled to happen.
We hadn't discussed meeting up or not meeting up at this point.

@Eddielizzard I'd say that this relationship was incredibly important to me. However, I don't know that this is why she ghosted me it's just my best and only guess. I have asked her to tell me why but she has refused to tell me and left my question unread.

At this point I don't want to re-engage with her as she has not had enough maturity to tell me what the problem is or hear my side and has instead chosen to ghost me for months which has been so very very painful.

You're clearly really hurt, OP. We all would be and at the end of the day that's a long friendship so you're bound to mourn it's loss.

I'm sorry you've been treated this way but I'm glad you've come to the decision to not want to reform the friendship in time. The way you've been treated is unforgiveable, really. I don't know how you could ever trust her to not do it again.

I do hope the therapy helps and that time takes away your daily thoughts of her.

Life is too short for such feelings, especially when you have a lovely family and other friends.

@StaunchMomma that's really kind, thank you so much

You are too nice!! I wouldn't have replied if she'd treated me like that.

I hope replying didn't hurt you further.