Ghosted by friend of 35 years

[Blip]

I've been ghosted by a close friend of 35 years for no reason that is apparent to me. This happened 3 months ago.
After having a few messages ignored, I did reach out to ask why in November but was left as unread.

It's clear from her Facebook posts that nothing awful has happened in her life to stop her being in touch so obviously she just doesn't want to be.

I've now accepted that the friendship is over and that at this point I wouldn't want it back anyway as it's been so painful to go through. My friend isn't local but we had long phonecalls most weeks.

It's taking me a long time though to get over it. I still think about it every day, usually more than once a day, and today I actually cried about it. I am having counselling at the moment so I do have support. Does anyone have any advice as to how to lessen the painful feelings or is it simply a matter of more time required?

I've been on both sides of ghosting. I know it's awful.

With the friend I stopped contact with, I'm not proud of how I handled it but whichever way I handled it would have been painful for the friend.

The friendship had had many really good years but there were reasons why I felt the friendship had run its course. At first I hoped that we could just move to a less intense friendship as naturally happens when people's lives take different paths but because my friend was persistent, the way I saw it I had two options: 1) tell her why I didn't want her in my life anymore. This would have been really awful for her and whatever she said in response would not have changed the fact that I was done with the friendship. 2) reply to her contact less and less in the hope she would get the message.

When a close friendship is intense it's almost as though we need to break up with someone, just as we do when a romantic relationship isn't working.

So very sorry, it is hard, an explanation would be nice and give you closure.

I became friends many years ago with someone on a forum, and we exchanged email addresses. Eventually I realised our life experiences and views and values were very different. I did write to her and end the friendship and gave the reason that I didn't want to upset her by contradicting her beliefs.

I'm going through this at the moment. It's 7 weeks since someone ihad thought was a close friend, ghosted me. I'm still in the stage of wanting to contact her, but know that she hasn't responded, so has obviously chosen not. It's very painful, trying to put the pieces together, wondering if they are ok, then the realisation they are fine, just ignoring you.

I think the not knowing why iso hard. I had a chat with my mum about it yesterday, and she was saying that x couldn't have been a good friend. But I can't dismiss all the years of friendship as rubbish. It's good to hear you are at the point you don't want her back in your life. Perhaps, like a romantic break up, the sting lessens in time.
I'm interested in hearing about others experiences, to help me along the way.

Ghosted by one friend, it was awful. Like a break up. She met her husband through me, we’d been best friends at uni… One day, she just stopped replying to my texts/calls/emails. Nothing. I eventually spoke to her after I said I was going to call her parents as I was so worried and she told me about an email she’d sent me. She hadn’t. She did then forward the email to me, which was essentially her pouring her heart out about a number of perceived slights against her, which were things we’d already spoken about or were in her imagination. I genuinely think she was suffering from some kind of mental health crisis as it just wasn’t the reaction of someone in their right mind. I tried again but nothing. That was it.

Roll on 15 years or so and we’re friends on FB, I sent gifts when her DC were born and donated to charity when her family member passed away. I doubt I’ll ever hear from her again in any meaningful way. I grieve for what we and and the person she was and the part she played in my life some time ago. I also know, with the benefit of age and hindsight, that I didn’t do anything wrong or deserve the way she treated me. I refuse to blame myself or feel guilty when I know I haven’t done anything wrong. Sad though.

Thats very hard op. A long friend too. Sometimes there is no reason. I def drifted from one me doing all the chasing her so I stopped. But we still do the odd text to each other.

@tattygrl @Lights22
After a few unanswered messages I eventually got one saying "TBH Blip I am not ready to speak to you yet"

@jenny38 it's taken a while for me to not want her back in my life but the truth is that I am sure that even if I bend over backwards to apologise to her for whatever it is that I have inadvertently done that has hurt her, she will never apologise for ghosting me and will almost definitely do it again. It's been so incredibly painful that I just don't have it in me to go through it more than once.

For gods sake dont watch 'The Banshees of Inishereen'.....

But why would she send that?! She surely must feel offended by something you've said or done.

I think you are taking a wise approach. If someone can be so careless with your feelings, it's difficult to see how the power would ever feel equal again. In tge beginning I was very upset and searching for a reason. It's starting to change now, she has a new partner and is very much focused on him. I'm feeling some glimmers of anger, which is a good sign. But also profound sadness. I'm not sure if I should delete her from social media. At the moment I'm wanting to. Possibly to make a statement, as she is ignoring me. However I'm so sad that I won't know her children anymore, or her mine. It was my 13 year olds birthday this week, no card or text from her, for a child she has know all her life. Her daughter sent mine a picture of them together when younger, and wished her a happy birthday.
It's a hard situation, but I imagine every missed occasion will harden my heart. She has been a shitty friend since she met the new bloke, I guess I was hanging in there, because of the length of friendship.
I'm wondering if we can both see this as an opportunity to get to know new friends? I've accepted a couple of invites from new people recently, which has helped me remember I'm still valued. Self esteem has taken a bit of a bashing, as I searched for reasons and assume it must be me.....

@ICanHideButICantRun yes she's clearly hurt about something but I have no idea what it might be and she is refusing to tell me.

Thanks OP, it probably took a good 2 years honestly - sounds really dramatic but we were really close since early childhood. I used to dream we were friends again which was really upsetting.

The worst thing was I was really ashamed that it had happened and thought that my friends and family would judge me and assume it was my fault and that I’d done something truly awful to her, for her to do it. As it was, everyone was really supportive. Now I try to remember her fondly, and I just wish her well. I guess it’s just acceptance.

With hindsight I could have really done with some counselling, as it was so sudden and I couldn’t quite believe it had happened- if you have the opportunity to speak to someone I would, as I am sure I’d benefitted. I don’t think it is acknowledged how hard it is when deep female friendships end, It’s such a hard thing to go though op, solidarity.

I recommend listening to this podcast to help you to make sense of things. Sorry for your pain.
podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/bff-with-claire-cohen/id1628638433?i=1000570520232

It's hard when things end like this because you don't really get proper closure if they won't engage and tell you what went wrong. I suppose look for things to fill your time and perhaps even look for new friends and hobbies to get you through the initial sting of the rejection. It's so much easier if you know what happened and why things ended but in these situations all you can really do is find your own closure by moving on.

Jenny38 my therapist has advised the same, concentrate on other and new friendships, and I've made a couple of new friends recently so that's going well.
Well done you for concentrating on other friendships.

Nothing can really replace my longest lasting and cherished friendship that I thought would last forever, but it clearly wasn't designed to last forever after all.

I think since having therapy I have more compassion for myself. Old me would want to patch this up at any cost to myself and I've certainly done this before. Current me needs a commitment to behaving like an adult within a friendship and raising any grievances rather than using the silent treatment.

I too have huge sadness, but If we make space in our lives, new relationships can blossom.

@Sabrinasouffle thank you so much I will definitely give this a listen

@Andywarholswig thank you. Sounds awful to have this in your dreams, so far I've not had that, but I think it signifies how deeply this can affect people.

My therapist and family have all advised me to let the friendship go, even if my friend should decide to get back in touch at some point. They say that the disrespect is the closure, and I've now got to the point where I'm not fussed in finding out why she has ghosted me any more.

I have abandonment issues from childhood which makes things harder for me so I am grateful that I've had a therapist around to help me through.

Blip She actually said something like "I don't know what happened for us to lose touch for so long" and I wanted to reply "YOU chose not to respond/ring/visit/text, not me". She's flaky and weak, and I don't need her.

tothelefttotheleft I messaged back because I'm a nice, decent person. She may have had some worries/problems. I would have helped her. She's fine, it appears - just flaky, and that's why I've now blocked her now.

I similar this happen once, only we weren't friends as long as you and your friend, OP.
We went from talking every day and meeting up weekly to barely hearing from her.
The excuses as to why she hadn't been in touch got worse - the one which sticks in my mind the most is "sorry I didn't text you back, my boiler isn't working."
I eventually sent her a paragraph about how she was making me feel and saying now was her chance to tell me what I'd done wrong. After a day of being left on read and seeing her update Facebook and Instagram with her dinner photos, I unfriended her and never heard anything else.
I cried a lot and it actually felt like she'd died.
Take care 💐

I inadvertently ghosted someone, she was a friend of 25 odd years and I was tired of one single topic of conversation (very outing so won't say what it is) and the fact that I was ALWAYS the one to make contact. I decided to see how long it would be before she contacted me. And that was that. Didn't hear from her for 4 years! Bumped into her one day shopping and and she was like 'lovely to see you, give me a ring sometime'. Errr no, I always did that!

That's odd as her reply does rather imply that something happened which she isn't happy about. Rather than looking for what you could have said or done to her, is there a possibility you may have divulged something she told you privately to a third party? Her wording seems quite odd for a random ghosting and more like there's an actual reason?

This is absolutely it. That she's upset and won't tell you why and will likely do it again at some point were you ever to sort things out. This is how she handles discord. Very, very hurtful.

She’s clearly very upset or,offended about something you’ve done or said. No one writes that otherwise. Whatever it is has caused her to end the relationship

id think very hard as to what it could be. It’s very surprising that something so significant you’ve no idea.

Thank you. I won't lie it hasn't been easy but she was being a miserable cow before that so hey ho. She says she hasn't fallen out with me but can't have or show any interest in my life or things that are important to me as I have no interest in things that are important to her (ie Covid and excess deaths) never mind I show lots of interest in her dd, job and life etc.