hi there, this is probably going to be quite long winded so i appologise in advance but feel i need to go into detail in order to get peoples thoughts. i have been with my partner for 2.5 years and we have lived together for 1 year. i have two girls 10 and 6 and he has no children. my kids see their dad and child arrangement is 5050. my partner helps me financially and overall is great with the kids, espeically my youngest. they have developed a great relationship.
my oldest has always had behavioral issues, its not like she is punching walls or physically abusive but she is very full on, loud, bad tempered etc. her heart is in the right place and she sees the error of her behaviors but she is getting serious talks every few months of what her behavior is doing. i try to be as close as i can to her and listen to any issues or concerns she has. basically her heart is in the right place but she can be very cheeky such as eye rolling talking back, general disobedience but it is hard working when it happens 80-90% of the time. my partner struggles with my oldest dd behavior and i sympathize and try my hardest to keep the peace and discipline also.
my partners idea of family and mines are both the same. the girls dad was a functioning alcoholic as i like to call it. most of our issues came down to his level of drinking and inability to control himself. i didnt want my kids being brought up like that. their dad has moved onto a new partner now and seems to have matured and calmed down and refrain from acting like that while girls are there.
i really just want a quiet family life and my partner wants the same. on and off i have felt he was abit dramatic with arguments and could mage huge issues out of non issues. he does admit that when he thinks someone is unfair or not nice to him that he does explode and it is somethingt he has tried to change about his character but he just cant do it. when nothing is annoying him he is the nicest caring man. i feel that he is happy as long as things are his way. i feel i am ranting so i am going to write some scenarios of arguments
- told the dds we would go to cinema and next day he said it was too late and we werent going. because i disagreed and said yes we are i told the kids we are and i wont dissapoint them. this transpired that i am selfish and speaking down to him and i am a bad woman and parent.
- he arranged a hamster for my oldest daughter last year which i was against but now we planned to move he told her oh we arent taking the hamster when we move. i told him this wasnt fair on my oldest and we had to keep it until it died and he was to learn a lesson not to get animals again and that we cant change minds like that especially when kids are involved. he turned this into i wasnt backing him up and i love a hamster more than him.
- gets annoyed if the girls make any noise when he wants silence. said they are selfish for not respecting the fact he works. says the same for morning times at the weekend. it has to be quiet until he wakes up. if they have a genuine problem then that is ok but otherwise to see to themselves until we wake up.
on some notes i can see his point as in kids respecting adults rules etc, the kids helping me so they learn how to jobs around the house. he is pretty old fashioned which i am ok with traditional values to a certain point. i cook clean iron do everything and he will offer help. what i dont like is when we have an argument he will criticise everything i do. calls me a bad mum, says the house lacks woman presence, im disrespectful of his wishes, i only think about myself. i didnt buy the right oil the other day and he accused me of starving him cause he couldnt cook eggs. he comments i have a bad attitude if i am not 100% smiley all the time. i feel i am rambling and not giving any context but it is so difficult to pinpoint. he has told me on many occasions that he can do better than me, my parents should be thanking him for taking me and my kids on board when he is such an amazing guy, says he is cleaner than me, knows more about my kids than me, smarter than me, i am to poor for him, i am using him for a house, i dont love or respect him. alot of his behaviour is really concerning me the more i think of it i think he is quite narcasisstic. i hate saying this because i hear it all the time on tv etc. i feel i try my absolute hardest but no matter what i do it will always be me being the failure. he says everything that we argue about is from my side and not his.
we had an argument the other day in relation to the cinema saga. ended a screaming match and him saying to the kids we arent taking the new house because of you and your sister. its all your fault girls. he ignored everyone stamped around, locked me out the bedroom. was shouting saying the kids are unmannered and disrespectful kids and that he would never raise kids like how i have. said i am a failure and a joke as a mother. my 6 year old was distraught and still is by this. she was truly heartbroken and i keep replaying it in my head. he was messaging from the other room saying i dont love him and everyone hates him. i ignored him . he later came through and apologised to my youngest and said sometimes adults disagree and we say things we dont mean and appologiesed gave her a kiss and a cuddle. he said he loves the kids but it is difficult, more so with the oldest.
there has been other issues such as i feel i cant see friends i get nervous approaching the subject as he will say i dont love him or i am not a family orientated person because my mind is only on friends. i have cancelled so many nights out. it is my cousins party next month which all girls care going to including my mum and gran and i am feeling sick at the thought of the saying to him. he acts cool until it is approaching then will cause arguments then say i dont care about him because i chose to go on a night out instead of fixing the relationship. he will comment sayinng oh why dont you meet your friends for a coffee or something. i now feel it is all fake the niceness and that he knows how to play the good guy perfectly.
at my work christmas party i was looking forward to, he acted fine until he seen me dressed up. told me we will speak in the morning and that we are over because i am a cheat. text arguing the whole night with me. told me he wo9uld pick me up and collected me early, refused to take my friend home as he had offered and drove of crazy with rage. he told me at home he could smell dick breath and all this nonsense and stormed off to bed. later that night he apologised and said he g ot jealous and doesnt want to lose me. i just feel everything is abnormal now.
i am definately no angel and i can have a temper and be wrong at times yes, it is human. i feel ground down to nothing like i have lost part of my personality. my stomach has been nervous for over a week now as it has been on and off arguments. he will say i dont want to lose you and then have an attitude and be looking on rightmove but then 20 mins later turn round saying he was just looking in general and he isnt in a mood. its playing with my mind.
am i over thinking everything ?? i really cant work it out if i am this bad selfish person and i just cant see it or if its both of us. i feel scared and sick with it all. i want to protect my children also. i feel alone and confused. everyone thinks he is the best guy ever, polite well mannered calm quite quiet.he can be the best guy but quoting his own words " i can be a bastard if you want the bastard"
sorry this has rambled on with no actual context. i just feel so confused and scared with the thought of am i so crazy i cant see how bad i am or is it him??
thank you for anyone that takes the time to read!