When sex is an issue

[spacecadet]

Just that really. Been involved with someone for 6 months off and on. Distance between us meant not being able to agree to a proper relationship but we tried to keep it going because we really liked each other. Once or twice issues of sexual compatibility would come up. He claimed sex with a condom was rubbish but I was aware he might be sleeping with others so was not prepared to do it without one. The last time we saw each other he stopped midway and said ours would have to be a platonic love because it just did not work in the bedroom. This has flawed me completely because afterwards he was still acting like we were together and talked of our next meeting like it was completely normal. I've been left feeling broken because I've tried moving on from him and just haven't felt any attraction to anyone else. Now I feel like sex is going to be a huge issue in any new relationship too and I just don't know how to process this. I feel like I need therapy or something but the immediate issue is how do I leave things with him? Has anyone been in this situation and pursued a sexless relationship accepting that you'll both try to get your kicks elsewhere? I don't want to lose him completely because apart from that one issue everything else has been great.

Put all together like that it sounds bad I agree, but the waxing thing is just a preference I've heard people discuss on here before. It's the making me feel inadequate part I can't get over and now he's acting like it's no big deal. Anyway thanks for all the replies, it made me feel better to know it's not just me.

Just block OP. You'll feel better for it.

Hi, I have been in a relationship now for three years. It’s a good relationship and we love each other. He has problems with his sex drive, due to low testosterone levels. When we first got together sex was ok. Now we don’t have sex at all. It’s been over a year now since we had sex. He has testosterone injections every 14 weeks. He is also quite overweight. He used to take Viagra when we first got together, but he doesn’t now. I have spoken to him about this problem, i want sex while i am still able to ( i am 61 now) he is 69. But we are not “ old” for our ages. He doesn’t seem to have any interest at all now. We don’t kiss like we used to, he doesn’t touch me like he used to either. I have spoken to him about this situation. He says he will sort it out. He spoke to the Dr who apparently told him “ if he loses weight, it will help his sex drive “ well he hasn’t lost weight. I am deeply upset about everything, he knows how i feel, but does nothing to help our situation. I feel unattractive and miserable. He really doesn’t seem bothered at all. Can anyone give me some advice please??

@Bluebird61 It's best if you start your own thread as many people on this board read only the OP (original post) and respond to that.

OP anyone who pressures you to change your personal grooming habits is basically ruling themselves out of your bed.
"Have you ever tried hair removal/growing it out? No? OK fair enough" - not a problem
"All my other partners are clean shaven/unshaven, please try it, just for me, I promise you'll like it, it's such a turn on, everybody does X these days" - nah mate, do one.

Add in the condom refusal and what you've got is an entitled, sulky, selfish prat.

In the bin with him!

You’re with a man who you suspect is sleeping around . He says sex without a condom is rubbish. Nothing more needs to be said . He’s not a keeper

I feel like I need therapy or something
You don't need therapy. You'll be fine as soon as you dump this headfucker.

He claimed sex with a condom was rubbish but I was aware he might be sleeping with others so was not prepared to do it without one.
Lovely. Trying to guilt you into condomless sex.

The last time we saw each other he stopped midway and said ours would have to be a platonic love because it just did not work in the bedroom.
Classic negging.
Maybe he has a problem & is covering up by blaming you.
Maybe he's a porn hound who can't handle real women.
But whatever the reason, this is downright nasty. No real communication, just a blanket proclamation that he reckons sex with you is rubbish. No accountability, no caring, no concern about getting right for each other.

This has flawed me completely because afterwards he was still acting like we were together and talked of our next meeting like it was completely normal.
See headfucker, above. Blowing hot & cold to keep you disconcerted.

Now I feel like sex is going to be a huge issue in any new relationship too and I just don't know how to process this.
See negging, above. He set out to make you feel sexually inadequate.
This isn't about you - it's about him.

The issues started to creep in around me waxing and him not using condoms but we were still really into each other and made the effort to keep things going. He seemed to have a very defined idea of what sex should be and sometimes it was great for both of us.
He sounds too inflexible to be any good in bed.
These defined ideas - are they porny? Did he get all his sex ed via screen?

It's the making me feel inadequate part I can't get over and now he's acting like it's no big deal.
Of course he is. If he acts like it's any sort of a deal he might have to be accountable for it.
He's being weird with you because he likes to undermine you.

You've known him 6 months. you think he's not over his ex, it was complicated from the start & he's a rubbish lay. It shouldn't feel like this. Get rid of him - he's messing with your head.

What ages are you? Don’t put up with his crap, dump him and move on. You don’t have to lower your own standards to accommodate a man.

Something 2LitreBottle mentioned has since happened to me and I'd like to hear more about what she did/reacted. The specifics aren't the same - my partner isn't overweight and is much younger - but he did make the comment about not enough friction and me being too wet. It floored me completely because I kind of thought that was the point of foreplay so I'm wondering, is this a symptom of too much porn use or is this friction something men are asking for more of in the bedroom these days?? Is there less friction or more with a condom? I feel like I should know these things but don't have anyone to ask irl.

I wonder if the 'too wet' (?) and 'not enough friction' comments will sometimes be a prelude to asking for anal.

IME, men love women (well, me,) getting wet, the wetter the better.

I would assume there is more friction with a condom, partly because I find them more drying. But less friction I would think is better. I dunno, I'm not a man, but from my PoV, more lubrication makes better sex.

Is this the same guy?

Not waxed, not enough friction and too wet. Jesus are we just vaginas with no woman attached.

Not waxed, not enough friction and too wet. Jesus are we just vaginas with no woman attached.

@Honey83 That puts it well.

@spacecadet Where is the love? Is this what you want from a relationship? Decide what you want from a relationship and honour that for yourself going forward. x

With future, other blokes I mean. This one should be an ex-lover now.

Ditch

It is such a shame that you are allowing this absolute fuckwit and his absurd ramblings to bother you so much. He's not even worth a second thought.

Nope. He’s one to dump. First of all, what he said was rude and manipulative. Second, it takes two to tango, and yet he’s putting all responsibility for how sex goes on YOU. As If you are a performer for him.

does he care at all about your pleasure? Sure doesn’t sound like it.

please take your power back and just block him without another word. He’s massively disrespectful to try to weasel his way around your legitimate safety concerns. He sounds like a selfish, immature teenager. Repulsive.

I assure you - sex being good is NOT all your responsibility.

this habit of his, flipping things all on you, treating you like a servant, would definitely show up in other aspects of life. Please kick him out of your life.

How awful you're going through this horrible situation. Respecting safe sex is a matter of VERY basic respect so the fact he is not respecting your boundary on this is a red flag. It sounds like he is now sending you mixed messages and starting to mess with your head, so you can be fairly sure the future with this guy will be grim.
How to move forward is to end it with him completely. Cut all contact, grieve and move on.
Know that you will learn from this experience and be better off for expecting more for yourself. Saying 'no' to this situation means you can move on to someone who will be more respectful and communicate without mixed messages. End this because you absolutely deserve better than this - abso

Hi op, sorry this awful man has got you doubting yourself.

You say you don’t know how to move forward? May I suggest that you send him a text saying you are ending things because you have met a man last night who is massively well endowed and you can’t get enough of each other? Then cease all contact. 😄

Seriously, we need to send the people who make us feel crap off in to the wilderness. Agree with pps that it shouldn’t be this hard at six months.

Distance between us meant not being able to agree to a proper relationship but we tried to keep it going because we really liked each other.

^^ Hope this doesn’t sound harsh but I wouldn’t have accepted the above terms in the first place. If a bloke is really in to you then he should be willing to travel as far as it takes and to be faithful and exclusive to you in between times. If I wasn’t able to trust that then I wouldn’t go ahead. So next time please set better standards for yourself op. You deserve it.

It sounds like he’s very clearly manipulating you and trying to make you feel insecure and sad and want to prove yourself to him? Also keeping you at arms length because he doesn’t want to commit while making you feel that this is your fault… but still getting to act like you’re together when it suits him? With kindness, wise up! This isn’t your fault and he’s just a bad guy. He might not seem like one but the smart, manipulative ones never do.

Whoa there.....hang on, he stopped mid way!???

Dump the loser FFS.

I am also guessing porn.
honestly this is not going to get better so please move on

Please dump this loser. There’s nothing wrong with you, he’s just trying to lose the condoms. Don’t do it.

Why are you still with him op?

Can't you see that he's bad news? He's killing your self esteem.

It's him not you.

He's a porny pervy cunt who wants to break your boundaries - dump him, he will always be shite in bed.

I don't want to lose him completely because apart from that one issue everything else has been great

But also 'complicated from the start' due to you not feeling comfortable with his relationship with his ex.

Which is it, because 'great' relationships don't have a troublesome ex in them.