I think the man I am seeing is giving me a slow fade

[Itfeelslikeforever]

It’s excruciating. It’s been a year and he pursued me doggedly for six months before that.

for the last two months he has tapered off seeing me blaming work, Christmas… his family and friends’ problems.. not wanting to leave his dog alone. He went from calling every day to every other day to once every three days and now we are hitting once a week.

the last time I saw him was December 8th. We went out for dinner had a great time, went back to his, had sex. He sent me a string of heart emojis in the morning and I felt everything was back on track.

when I get a chance to speak to him I offer him a get out but he insists he is just busy. I even told him I thought he was slow fading me and I’d prefer he just breaks up with me. He insisted he wasn’t, said it was upsetting I said that.

he has gone away with work now for two weeks (!) I spoke to him before he left. I haven’t heard from him for four days. We have our own holiday planned at the end of this month.

i don’t know how to bring this torture to an end?

Front it out. Engage about work and nothing else. Don't acknowledge him unless you have to. Don't get involved in personal discussion with him. Just blank him unless it's about work.

This - if he brings up a personal relationship bring it back to work… is this the man who was using your work connections or was that someone else.

either way I’d bring any conversation back to work and if he tries for a snog etc I’d raise an eyebrow and ask him to repeat or say ‘what for?’ And then just say …, errr we’ve both moved on haven’t we though. Point out what you had wasn’t a relationship so you’ve moved on. If he says ‘I didn’t say that’ you can say err well you didn’t have to - you don’t contact me it’s not a relationship and I’ve moved on to someone who wants the same as me ….

Is it possible that he's been hanging on for the holiday? My dd told me that one of her friends did this.

Either way, he's not being fair to you. I would block him if he doesn't have enough respect to be honest with you.

@Itfeelslikeforever If he does contact you don’t let him mess with your head any further. He has already spent 2 months obviously fading you out but then denying the obvious. He could have just been honest with you, so don’t engage in any of his BS as I bet he contacts you before this meeting.

Dick

Gosh Kitten I think I love you a little bit

Wish I'd had Mumsnet when I was younger to kick me up the arse and refuse to be treated badly over and over again

Ugh what a coward. Makes me so cross - I've been in your position except I really liked him. And I'm still annoyed about it (and annoyed with myself for hanging in there).

I love this line
You can be the one that got away. Men get straight up haunted forever by a high value woman

I don’t want to haunt my one
he’s haunted enough

but this line has stuck in my head all week

I’ve basically ghosted him
as what can be said ?

so let him think and wonder why I’ve disappeared
he knows on some level

Good luck with the work meeting. I wonder if he'll turn up.
I hope you'll let us know how it goes.
Be strong!

Stop being a doormat. Why have you given him all the power in this relationship? You should have ditched him ages ago.

Don’t wait and think that going on the holiday will make everything ok. There will be so much pressure that you’ll end up having a horrible time, or breaking up during it.

Stop worrying about how you look to him. His behaviour is embarrassing. Yet another baby man with no backbone & keeping you on the bench.

I hope you take a step forward in your life & cut out the fool. You’ve been a bystander for too long.

Good posts by @JustKittenAround

Op you say you work with him sporadically, could it be his motivation last year was due to him being more closely involved with you work wise and now that contact will be lessened this year.

Some men tend to mix buisness with pleasure and if certain leads are not in unison with work they can lose interest or as someone said earlier he may already have a wife/girlfriend and your meetings would be harder to conceal. Or even if he has someone new they may be related to new contacts through work.

Regardless it appears he has treated you badly and you should feel no guilt in treating him the same way, just dump him and give no explanations.

He does sound like a player.

Itfeelslikeforever

just saw update

as my friend said to me ‘silence is loud’

i agree to cancel holiday and also delete him

for the 31st just be breezy and no eye contact

sorry it sucks ! Your response is the right one

but doesn’t make it easier xx

@ JustKittenAround - fantastic advice. I am going to keep your posts!!!. I have been in a similar situation (bit more complicated) but had the slow fade on a number of occasions with the same man. This Christmas was a nightmare with him, lying, sporadic contact, ghosting, when I was with him it was great though but I knew he was doing it again - its the signs you pick up on. The final straw was no Xmas present so I put my girlie pants on and told him I would never contact him again. He didnt respond but I was used to that. Its hard but I am so glad I did it. Its supposed to be fun and we shouldn't have to feel like crap after some skanky man who thinks he has the golden knob. Its tough because I miss the fun bits but the negative bits outweigh anything. Good luck!

Notevenanoption

mine didn’t get me a present either
cunt 😬

I’ve found this thread so helpful

feel pretty sad today but that’s to be expected

@Thisisworsethananticpated - I feel sad too. Glad its not just me! This thread has helped me, particularly @JustKittenAround. Its made me realise that someone will contact you WHATEVER they are up do if they are interested. I don't do this crap of "oh my phone battery died, there was no reception, the dog was ill, my parents were ill, work has been manic, etc etc anymore. Its all bullshit. I'd rather be alone than watching my phone anymore and wondering what I did wrong (even though I knew I hadn't). Hang in there, we can do it together! I hope mine gets a splinter in his balls and they drop off from gangrene!. I just dont' care anymore.

@Notevenanoption I've used the reason (not excuse) of work being manic for not getting in touch with friends leading up to Christmas, or being erratic about it (I didn't send Christmas cards for the same reason. Just call me Scrooge). I had immense work pressure, my small business was very busy, I had medical emergencies with four cats, hassle with my next door neighbour and health worries resulting in hospital tests (thankfully all ok). So there ARE valid reasons on that score.

But these are long-established friends, not someone I'm dating. What makes the difference?

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron - forgive my generalisation. It was more the case of excuses given to me by a man which I knew were not true (I found out he was lying), not applicable to other people at all. Not intended for people with genuine busy lives.

Yes, I had a boyfriend in my teens who was always late. I found out much later that when I first started seeing him, he already had another girlfriend. My grandma said "I think he's two-timing you" - quaint old phrase! Before I found that out though, he was always, always late. Once he kept me waiting in the market square for almost an hour (I was 17, and silly). In the end I had enough and went home. He phoned and moaned at me for not waiting and when I told him I was sick of him showing up late he said "I got taken short" (ie he had the runs!) Yep, right!

Just to say again that this thread has really helped solidify my resolve

especially kitten who’s posts have been saved

it’s sooooo hard when you like them as you cling onto the postives and disregard the negatives

but my brain and tummy know and keep telling me !

This is a thread full of great advice. I do keep thinking its about a barber though 🤔

Thank you ladies. Everything I say has been learned the hard way. i feel a kinship with you. I don’t want anyone else to learn the way I did. I want them to learn with less pain, the moment you accept your value and ruthlessly cut off time wasting marrow sucking men is the moment you realize how powerful you really are.

It sucks because you want to hold on hope. The ego feels bruised, and you just want to win their attention… game gets totally flipped when you decide they aren’t shit anymore and that you’re worthy of respect. If a person can’t even treat you as nicely as they would a stranger then they’ve got to be cut off.

Stop worrying how others will view you. Don’t play nice and take zero shit. Don’t be aggressive about it, just matter of fact… you are too high value to play dummy games.

OP if you are still around(late to reply because work travel has been insane) DO NOT fall for his bullshit at that work meeting. He is counting on it. I’ve been there. Please. Keep it to work. If he tries any one on one shit, just walk away. Smile and really engage others. This man is a waste and he WILL try to suck you back in. He might try to say “hey we need to talk…” DONT fall for it for the love of God. Just shrug and say you have nothing to else to say, and then keep it moving. Get away from him. He might show up talking about a new love… again no emotion. Don’t waste any time on him. You can come here and rant and we are here. He is a clown, don’t sign up for his lecture in clown university…

Write down what you deserve from a man. Write down that you deserve dignity and respect. That you should be a priority and valued. Read it over. Fuck this guy. He couldn’t empty your chamber pot on an august afternoon.., he’s not good enough. Keep your boundaries and your expectations close to you as you would your morals.

I hope you reply because I need you to go in strong and healthy. This guy might have bruised an ego but he unleashed a phenom. One that he expects access to and upon denial will never be able to heal from it.

Thang god you got away. I hope that you will keep strong during the meeting.

I FEEL you. You might like them, but please LOVE yourself. They make you feel bad and at many levels you know you aren’t being treated right. You’ve got to take up for yourself and accept that you’re just too good for that BS. It’s a fact. You know it deep within you. That’s why it hurts when you’re not treated right, deep down you understand that it’s not befitting your station as a woman who deserves much more.

Delete him, and release him back into the universe. Set him free to learn life’s lessons and endure his days without the benefit of your one of a kind comfort. He needs this, because he is too stupid to see and value your wonders. He (like I’ve had to do in life) must learn it the hard way. You show him a kindness in forever denying him access to you, because it gives him a chance to wake up. He won’t likely do that, but it’s the kindest thing you can do. Teach him he must earn the value you possess. Make sure he never has access to you again.

it hurts. You’ll miss him. Your mind will go to the what about, what if, remember when… but you know the ultimate bottom line truth: he isn’t good enough for you, and you’re worth too much to be happy with crumbs.

I swear he isn’t shit and is replaceable… especially if he isn’t treating you right. Sending you my thoughts.

Saving this thread!

Wishing any woman who needs it the strength to boot these lazy takers out for good.