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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think the man I am seeing is giving me a slow fade

113 replies

Itfeelslikeforever · 04/01/2023 23:03

It’s excruciating. It’s been a year and he pursued me doggedly for six months before that.

for the last two months he has tapered off seeing me blaming work, Christmas… his family and friends’ problems.. not wanting to leave his dog alone. He went from calling every day to every other day to once every three days and now we are hitting once a week.

the last time I saw him was December 8th. We went out for dinner had a great time, went back to his, had sex. He sent me a string of heart emojis in the morning and I felt everything was back on track.

when I get a chance to speak to him I offer him a get out but he insists he is just busy. I even told him I thought he was slow fading me and I’d prefer he just breaks up with me. He insisted he wasn’t, said it was upsetting I said that.

he has gone away with work now for two weeks (!) I spoke to him before he left. I haven’t heard from him for four days. We have our own holiday planned at the end of this month.

i don’t know how to bring this torture to an end?

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 07/01/2023 07:29

JustKittenAround · 06/01/2023 22:09

Men who are worth your time will not make you feel “confused “ about how they feel and where he stands. That is a MINIMUM. Literally the very bottom of the long list a man should tick to even get to buy you a nice dinner.

People who value you and aren’t playing games make is clear where they stand and there is no confusion. Confusion should be saved for perplexing existential questions, and understanding string theory. There is ZERO space for confusion in a healthy relationship. Zero.

Confusion occurs when we deny what is right in front of us, we deny the truth and twist out minds every which way in a vain attempt to not accept what is in front of us. Men like this seek to confuse because then you’re too busy thinking what things mean, what he might be thinking, pondering excuses, looking for reasons.., what you won’t be doing is focusing on what is right in front of you. That they are using you, and enjoying access to the benefits you provide with ZERO care about how it makes you feel. It’s disrespectful and what’s more scary is that it’s EASY to do. We do the heavy mental lifting in tricking ourselves.

I have had this happen to me more than once in my long dating life. I hope never again because I finally accepted that my worth has NOTHING to do with how they feel about me, it has EVERYTHING to do with how I feel about me. I feel like I’m a damn catch and that I am too high value to mess around with someone who is too stupid to see it. Dummies get the block, dummies don’t get a conversation about it either. Dummies get trashed and are paid the same energy and regard that they show me. Very little. Ruthless.

I see women here doing what I did… making excuses up in their own heads for these men! Oh maybe he has a mental illness, oh maybe he is sad cuz it’s the 5th anniversary of a relatives death, or maybe I am too demanding/needy, blah blah blah. The truth is if any of that were true then these men need to get off the dating market and handle their business. The truth is even if all that were true it doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t prioritize you or meet your needs. Trash him. Let them get their lives sorted and maybe if they are lucky and sort out there BS they will be worthy of your time. Maybe. But they aren’t now. Yes I said it.

I get that I’m ranting and I really wish more women saw their worth. I don’t want another woman wasting even a minute if she doesn’t have to.

Great posts by Kitten. I needed to hear this myself. Thank you, really helpful x

pictoosh · 07/01/2023 07:52

Agree with others. You haven't seen him since the 8th of December?! That's not a relationship is it? It's being in reserve, even if he tells you otherwise. Judge people not by what they say but by what they do.
Tell him it's too shabby for you and end it.

fghj149 · 07/01/2023 11:44

Happened to me too. Horrible feeling ❤️ don’t go on the holiday, ditch the loser and find someone who appreciates you, they are out there!

JoyPeaceHealth · 07/01/2023 13:05

Did you end it @Itfeelslikeforever ?

mumyes · 07/01/2023 13:07

Sadly I think he's not that keen. You deserve better. I would tell him you'd like to bring things to a close & let him know you'd prefer to go away alone or with a friend.

I think he may well feel relief so I wouldn't feel bad doing this.

Good luck OP, and well done fir knowing you deserve better.

mumyes · 07/01/2023 13:08

thisusernameisnotavailablepleasetryanother · 05/01/2023 01:07

It sounds like he's staying in contact because he knows the holiday is coming up. I think he will go on holiday with you, have loads of sex then tell you it's not working when you get home.
Dump and block before the holiday OP. You deserve better

I agree with this.

But personally I wouldn't block him. No need unless he's unpleasant.

Itfeelslikeforever · 07/01/2023 21:19

He’s been away with work for one week and I have heard nothing. I haven’t reached out either. I was prepared for this after your replies but just feel so uncomfortable with how he has handled all this. We have so many mutual friends who knew we were together, we will see each other socially and professionally several times this year. I would have felt much better if we’d been able to reconfigure the relationship to something where I knew where I stood - ie decided we were friends. I am not feeling heartbroken, just disrespected. I am back to the original gut feel I had about the relationship.

the holiday is cancellable and I can take someone else. I’ve been hesitating about what to send him considering we will have to see each other quite a bit this year. I don’t want to be hostile or appear resentful and after 1 week no contact, not even a text, and a month of not seeing each other, maybe the outcome is assumed?

OP posts:
Woeman · 07/01/2023 21:32

Something like: in the interests of being mutually respectful I think we need to acknowledge that the relationship is over and not just leave it unsaid/drifting. We do need to make arrangements re the holiday...I was thinking I would just cancel it, does this suit you?

mumyes · 07/01/2023 21:32

Itfeelslikeforever · 07/01/2023 21:19

He’s been away with work for one week and I have heard nothing. I haven’t reached out either. I was prepared for this after your replies but just feel so uncomfortable with how he has handled all this. We have so many mutual friends who knew we were together, we will see each other socially and professionally several times this year. I would have felt much better if we’d been able to reconfigure the relationship to something where I knew where I stood - ie decided we were friends. I am not feeling heartbroken, just disrespected. I am back to the original gut feel I had about the relationship.

the holiday is cancellable and I can take someone else. I’ve been hesitating about what to send him considering we will have to see each other quite a bit this year. I don’t want to be hostile or appear resentful and after 1 week no contact, not even a text, and a month of not seeing each other, maybe the outcome is assumed?

'Hi x, hope all's well. Appreciate you're away at the moment, so no rush to do this until you're back, but I think it would be worth us having a chat over a coffee in light of things feeling like they're coming to an end romantically.
It's been a great x months, and I will take away positive memories but in light of the fact that we'll still be seeing each other socially & professionally, it would be helpful to me if we could meet to bring things to a conclusion.
Hope the rest of the the trip goes well, ITFEELSLIKEFOREVER'

mumyes · 07/01/2023 21:33

Woeman · 07/01/2023 21:32

Something like: in the interests of being mutually respectful I think we need to acknowledge that the relationship is over and not just leave it unsaid/drifting. We do need to make arrangements re the holiday...I was thinking I would just cancel it, does this suit you?

Yes, add in the holiday bit, good point

TheDuchessOfMN · 07/01/2023 21:37

Woeman · 07/01/2023 21:32

Something like: in the interests of being mutually respectful I think we need to acknowledge that the relationship is over and not just leave it unsaid/drifting. We do need to make arrangements re the holiday...I was thinking I would just cancel it, does this suit you?

Perfect Star

Fuckstix · 07/01/2023 21:41

I think you'll feel a lot better for drawing a line under this. I'd say that yes, no contact after a week (assuming he isn't on the front line of a warzone) = doesn't want to be in the relationship. He's handled it badly. I would send a text just to iron out the holiday issue so there are no loose ends, also so that there's no confusion as you move in the same circles. He can't claim you ghosted him if this is all about avoiding being the bad guy.

Maybe 'I hope you're well. After the past month of not really hearing from or seeing you, it is obvious that we aren't going anywhere. I am just messaging to clear that up so we can both move on. Regarding the trip to X, I will cancel this/ change the name/ so that is sorted. All the best'.

Walkingtheplank · 07/01/2023 21:41

Perfect from Woeman.

Fuckstix · 07/01/2023 21:43

Woeman 's is a great draft. I would suggest telling, not asking him what is happening with the holiday though.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/01/2023 21:47

He’s a very disrespectful snowflake with no balls - he wants you to end it so he doesn’t have to be the bad one. Twat. I’m sorry op, you deserve better. I would just end it, more of this treatment can’t be good for your self esteem - get back out there and find someone who appreciates how fabulous you are!

pocketvenuss · 07/01/2023 22:07

What Woeman said. But tell him your plans for the holiday. Don't ask. Be in control

JustKittenAround · 08/01/2023 02:55

I am sorry ladies but I disagree.

my advice is to cancel the holiday or have a friend go. He does not get to decide anything and his opinion doesn’t matter. He is a dummy.

I would also not say anything to Mr. Dummy because HE WILL NEVER BE YOUR FRIEND!!! Ever.

This man is not your friend. Friends don’t use other friends and friends don’t lie.

You may well have friends in common but I bet a lot of them know he is up to something with someone else because I am willing to bet he is. Get mad. Who cares if you see him or this or that?

Is your self worth so low that you don’t understand and accept that he has treated you with disrespect and that alone is enough for you to just block and delete his dummy ass? Am I crazy?!?

This man has shown he can be very attentive when he wants to win you over, he has the ability and at one time he had the motivation. He does not now.

OP you should very nice but sometimes being “nice” is really being a rube who is looking to get used. If you were to be friends (again he is not your friend and it’s silly to even think it) then he still has access to you and you could be pulled back in. That is, if HE felt like it.

Cancel the holiday. Block his ass. Accept your true high value worth. STOP giving to a proven taker who doesn’t respect you or treat you with dignity.

I swear you will feel like a new person once you just accept that you’re too good for this shit. You’re too good to make nice with a man who doesn’t miss you enough after a week to contact you.

PS He already ended it the MOMENT he treated you with disrespect. Right now you just need to stop letting this dummy man who regards you as low value and low priority access to you. Just shut the door. STOP talking yourself into accepting more crumbs and wasting even another minute on this man who hasn’t even contacted you in a week.

Shut the door and be ruthless. If you have mutual friends all the better because they will all know you’re not about to take any mama crumbs and bullshit. People in your life either treat you with dignity and respect or they can go kick rocks somewhere else.

No texts. No nothing. I PROMISE you will thank me later. Purge him. He is a toxin in your life and he needs to get gone because in reality he pretty much is. Release his ass back into the universe and get going on accepting your value.

dammiejodger · 08/01/2023 03:07

What an arsehole.

Cancel the holiday. Doesn't matter if you'll see him, just be civil.

Then if anyone asks, tell them. He's the arsehole, not you.

Newuser15 · 08/01/2023 08:33

@JustKittenAround such good advice! I'm saving that for me to re-read whenever I need it! Thank you 😊

JoanCandy · 08/01/2023 08:55

Fuckstix · 07/01/2023 21:43

Woeman 's is a great draft. I would suggest telling, not asking him what is happening with the holiday though.

Yep, this. Give him no recourse to reply or open a negotiation with him.
Good luck, OP 💐

KatherineJaneway · 08/01/2023 09:19

I agree with pp, cancel the holiday, do not ask. He is being a coward but no one is that busy for a whole week they do not have time for a few texts. Take control.

DontStopMeNow7 · 08/01/2023 09:40

It’s easier said than done but I would end the relationship and cancel the holiday, but do both without telling him. He hasn’t communicated with you so why should you bother? He isn’t your friend either so I would just ignore him, pretending you don’t care. If you’re wrong he will definitely set you straight asap but otherwise it’s the best revenge for the disrespect.

Ive been in this situation though and in my case I insisted the guy meet me in person to discuss things. I made him dump me to my face. It’s what I needed at the time and he was squirming. Id received the advice above but then one friend was like “it’s not an unreasonable request of him given how long you’ve been dating”. I was so heartbroken.
In retrospect though I can’t believe I dated him in the first place! Some men are not worth it.

HaggisBurger · 08/01/2023 17:29

I’m with @JustKittenAround . What is this need for women to be “nice” and “respectful” and “agreeable” to a man that has on any objective level, treated her like shit.

Is HE worrying about mutual friends, awkward social & professional situations as he treats her so poorly for the last 2 months? Is he f*!

No need for drama, blocking whatever. But why send him a “let’s be friends” nicety nicey message. All that does is let him off the hook and tell him his behaviour is ok. As someone else says - he’s not your friend nor should he be.

Rebook the holiday is a friends name. Be cooly dispassionate when / if he musters the balls to contact you. And be VERY surprised if he shows any indication that you might be going on holiday together.

JustKittenAround · 08/01/2023 23:35

thank you kind posters for mentioning me. I appreciate the validation and sense of community.

now:

I mean… there are ZERO stories out there where a man treats a woman like this and they end up happily ever after. Zero. None. Big old goose egg. At best she becomes the plan B who got wifed up… because he didn’t have anything better come along despite his ardent wish. In these cases he resents her bitterly. It’s not him being an unable to get anything better, it’s that she stopped him from it! As if he doesn’t have his own agency!!!

I get it. It’s easy for me to say but I’m not in it. I can promise you I’ve been in it before and I WISH I had the big baddy ovaries to take up for myself. Because it’s was all just a criminal waste of my precious time. I am too good for that crap.

You are too.

It gets easier to take up for yourself and you open up more time for quality men. And yea, I’d rather be alone then with a BS user man sucking my self worth like marrow from a bone. I just can’t with this crap from these men anymore.

Men who feel they are the prize are deluded as hell. Women ALWAYS have more options. At EVERY age. ALWAYS. Men don’t age well it is a lie. Men for the most aren’t shit. As true equality is realized they are now not even big earners compared to women. Their power is diminishing and so they lean heavy on manipulations.

I am telling you. Playing “nice” lowers your value. Like some rich kid who has daddy’s money to burn and doesn’t understand that money is a paper representation of hard work, so is the the man who is given access, thought, courtesy, and care without any effort. They don’t value what they haven’t earned no matter how awesome the benefit is.

I am telling you. You can be the one that got away. Men get straight up haunted forever by a high value woman. You’ll be on to the next and he will always have you somewhere in his mind rattling around with his few brain cells. (Said it and I meant it!)

Men like this expect women to make nice and to remain open to their epic amount of bullshittery. But for what? What does that get YOU?

Betting that if asked, you tell friends that you’re not trying to have your time wasted and be fucked about… that some things aren’t meant to be but no hard feelings, you just want something more… they’d get it.

People are separated from the block and delete here i get that. But NOTHING says done and over then cutting off all access to you and your splendor. You have rich and beautiful delights and he needs to know that he isn’t good enough. He isn’t tall enough to ride your ride. No access! Get his back to BACK of the long line of those who will value you!

Men value what they work for. They value what they put effort into. This dude is low effort and you are too high value. I am imploring you to be the one who wishes up and threw the trash out.

I am pulling for all the women here.

Itfeelslikeforever · 11/01/2023 18:37

Thank you for all your replies. He is back from his work trip today. I have not heard a word for 10 days. I have not contacted him either.

Internally I am astonished that he can be so relaxed with his obvious lying and contradictions.

I have decided to cancel the holiday, not to send anything, not to respond if he does WhatsApp (small chance…) but not block (otherwise I look angry / resentful.)

I have a work meeting with him on 31 Jan. wonder what the hell he thinks is going to happen.

OP posts: