I think the man I am seeing is giving me a slow fade

[Itfeelslikeforever]

It’s excruciating. It’s been a year and he pursued me doggedly for six months before that.

for the last two months he has tapered off seeing me blaming work, Christmas… his family and friends’ problems.. not wanting to leave his dog alone. He went from calling every day to every other day to once every three days and now we are hitting once a week.

the last time I saw him was December 8th. We went out for dinner had a great time, went back to his, had sex. He sent me a string of heart emojis in the morning and I felt everything was back on track.

when I get a chance to speak to him I offer him a get out but he insists he is just busy. I even told him I thought he was slow fading me and I’d prefer he just breaks up with me. He insisted he wasn’t, said it was upsetting I said that.

he has gone away with work now for two weeks (!) I spoke to him before he left. I haven’t heard from him for four days. We have our own holiday planned at the end of this month.

i don’t know how to bring this torture to an end?

Agree that you ending it would get back control. Sounds a bit like he enjoys the chase then fucks off!! Doesnt sound like he is serious. What are your long term wants - do you both want the same? Doesn’t sound like it tbh and he doesn’t seem able to even be present. Get rid,
he’s wasting your time xxx

You end this torture by breaking up with him…why are you waiting for him to end it?

You need to end it, he’s not interested is he?

Have paid for the holiday?
I'd just call him and say that you rea don't see a future with him.
He'll be quite relieved.
I was once in a short relationship with a really lovely guy but alas there wasn't a connection.
I was guilty of avoiding him until I plucked up the courage to tell him I didn't think we were a good fit.
Hes now in a long term relationship with an absolutely lovely lady who really is a good fit for him .
I don't think hes messing with your head OP I , I don't think he feels the spark.

Why are you being so passive and waiting for HIM to make the decision? It’s clearly no longer working for you and you’re unhappy with the situation. He doesn’t need to say it in words, he’s telling you by his actions. You’re not a priority to him I’m afraid.

Don’t prolong the agony. You need to end it.

Don’t go on the holiday with him.
Just move on and forget this arsehole. I mean, what kind of person dates someone for a year and then gives them the slow fade, especially as he chased you.
When you eventually do hear from him just end it. Hopefully you will be on the holiday without him and you won’t care so much.

This happened to me a couple of years back. I wish I'd confronted things more and put an end to things. Instead I just let it float along till he just picked a random argument then didnt speak to me properly. We are still connected on social media so no bad blood, I think he just wanted out but didn't have the courage to do it. I'd say many men are like this.

Look into the holiday stuff and see whether you can get a refund and them speak to him and lay your cards on the table saying maybe you should cancel. If he really wants you, he won't take the get out clause.

I went on a holiday with a man that had been doing this
two loooooooong weeks
it was awful

is totally advise against a vacation in these circs

its tempting to thing the holiday will bond you

it won’t !

Are you afraid to get back out there on the dating scene? Did it take you a while to "find" someone? Are you desperate to make this "work out"? Draw boundaries and as others have said take control and end it, if this isn't the type of relationship you want to be in.

His feelings have changed, for whatever reason - that's his perogative, nothing to do with you or how you've been - but you've both got a holiday booked which means he's got to continue with the facade.

Except you don't have to continue with it. Can any money be salvaged from the holiday - could you cancel, or go on the flight but book another room so you can effectively go on holiday alone - best thing maybe is to just write the money off? (Chalk it up as a life lesson perhaps not to book a holiday so quickly into a relationship). Once you've reconciled yourself to writing off the money, send him a message and say you can't make the holiday because your dog is ill/ you've been promoted and need to work - you can say anything, but cut the holiday tie.

You don't need to do some dramatic announcement that it's over because with a breadcrumber like this, he'll just give you another crumb.

Either block or slow fade him (so if he messages you after a week, you leave it at least a week to reply). Once you've said the holiday is off, he'll probably just slither off.

i don’t know how to bring this torture to an end?

Yeah, you do.

He is giving you mesningless words that do not match his actions.
He is even denying the slow fade ... as he is slow fading
He obviously feels he's done the 'effort' part of pursuing you, & is now conditioning you to expect less & less.

Don't accept it.
Message him that his words don't match his actions, you value yourself more highly than he is prepared to, & goodbye.
Then block him, because he is likely to Hoover you back in if he can. Why would he invest another 6 months effort into winning someone new, when he can bullshit you & you'll tolerate it?

Definitely don't block him, it looks so melodramatic.
😂
Who cares what it looks like, when you are no longer around to see the other person's response?

Why are you passively waiting for him to finish things - sounds like he's treating you in a very sub standard way which isn't what you want so I would finish things yourself.

If he was interested it would be obvious. Get rid of him.

I agree, take back control and end it. Just say something like "look, clearly we're both a bit half-hearted about this, so I'll draw a line under this for you while you're on holiday".

Just cut him off completely. Be ruthless when it comes to the men you spend your time and energy on. You only have so much time and energy and that can be better spent on others in your life, yourself, or a man deserving of it.

Men like this have ZERO qualms about wasting your time and hurting you. Part of it might be he doesn’t share the same feelings you feel and therefore doesn’t understand it. More likely he is just a coward who doesn’t want to tell you straight out and also doesn’t want to lose access to you and all the benefits it provides.

It’s HARD I get it. You like him. There is this vacation planned… but I wouldn’t go another day with this BS because it really is super hurtful and not good for you.

It will feel good to finally take control of your own destiny. A little lonely at first as well, but to KNOW that you can move forward without having to try to charm or win crumbs from a coward is something powerful. You will find it easier and easier, you’ll also find the next time someone does this that you’ll be better about being ruthless. Because you deserve better OP.

i personally find anger to help me in those types of situations. Others don’t. I’d be angry that he wasn’t afraid of losing me. That he put me off a shelf to pick up and put down when he felt like it. I’d be mad if allowed it. I would be pissed that he thought he would be able to access my wonderful body/delights without putting in the work to delight me and make me feel safe.

This is a hard one but the longer you play along the worse you will feel about yourself. You need to make a stand for your self worth and so that you can free up any of the space he is taking in your life for someone more worthy.

Losing someone who just views you as an option isn’t a loss. It’s a gain

PS you have already talked to him. There is ZERO point in trying to have any other conversation about it where it will make you look needy (lower your value) and where he will STILL lie to you.

It also gives the opportunity for you to actually go along more with it because inside you will want so much to believe the lie. It will feel good for only a moment and then you’re even lower than before.

Ruthless. Be ruthless and decisive. Personally I’d just delete him. He is a waste of time and low effort. He’s not for you OP. You have value, you are of worth for more than just sex.

Ruthless. Be the one that got away.

Brilliant post @JustKittenAround

I had someone like this. Pursued me, then went to sporadic contact, all while insisting he still liked me, was just busy and nothing was wrong. I asked him if we could talk and I just got excuses. Gave it a few weeks and nothing he said gave me any clarity. I've blocked, and also stopped following/removed him as a follower on social media. Don't allow any man to actively try to confuse you and waste your time.

Stop being so readily available to this man. He's obviously not as interested as he was, or says he is. You've raised the issue and he's not even made a change. Move on and start dating men who value you and make an effort to have you in their life

I had a boyfriend like this when I was 18, it was bad enough then. Think it was me that ended it. I see via "suggested friends" on Facebook that while he seems to be happily married, he has been at the pies and then some.

Men who are worth your time will not make you feel “confused “ about how they feel and where he stands. That is a MINIMUM. Literally the very bottom of the long list a man should tick to even get to buy you a nice dinner.

People who value you and aren’t playing games make is clear where they stand and there is no confusion. Confusion should be saved for perplexing existential questions, and understanding string theory. There is ZERO space for confusion in a healthy relationship. Zero.

Confusion occurs when we deny what is right in front of us, we deny the truth and twist out minds every which way in a vain attempt to not accept what is in front of us. Men like this seek to confuse because then you’re too busy thinking what things mean, what he might be thinking, pondering excuses, looking for reasons.., what you won’t be doing is focusing on what is right in front of you. That they are using you, and enjoying access to the benefits you provide with ZERO care about how it makes you feel. It’s disrespectful and what’s more scary is that it’s EASY to do. We do the heavy mental lifting in tricking ourselves.

I have had this happen to me more than once in my long dating life. I hope never again because I finally accepted that my worth has NOTHING to do with how they feel about me, it has EVERYTHING to do with how I feel about me. I feel like I’m a damn catch and that I am too high value to mess around with someone who is too stupid to see it. Dummies get the block, dummies don’t get a conversation about it either. Dummies get trashed and are paid the same energy and regard that they show me. Very little. Ruthless.

I see women here doing what I did… making excuses up in their own heads for these men! Oh maybe he has a mental illness, oh maybe he is sad cuz it’s the 5th anniversary of a relatives death, or maybe I am too demanding/needy, blah blah blah. The truth is if any of that were true then these men need to get off the dating market and handle their business. The truth is even if all that were true it doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t prioritize you or meet your needs. Trash him. Let them get their lives sorted and maybe if they are lucky and sort out there BS they will be worthy of your time. Maybe. But they aren’t now. Yes I said it.

I get that I’m ranting and I really wish more women saw their worth. I don’t want another woman wasting even a minute if she doesn’t have to.

(By “hear” I meant the relationship forum in general, not this thread)

Cancel the holiday (or take a friend).
Text him saying you never want to see him again.
Block him.

He isn't interested in you any more. Retain some pride and finish with him.

My guess is he's got somebody else but wants to keep you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out. 🙁