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Original poster

Dad dating again

78 replies

throwaway2023 · 04/01/2023 16:48

NC for this
My parents were married 51 years and mum died in July 2022 which hit dad pretty hard
He's met someone and I'm trying to articulate my feelings over it but not doing it very well!

He wasn't there when mum died as "he had said goodbye and couldn't cope" which pissed me off because if I was married 51 years I would damn well expect him to be there! I had to be instead, and then tell him, and it wasn't nice

From what he's said he's met this woman maybe 4 times, and is now basically staying with her, has invited her on holiday and thanks dad been to the GP for "something private" which he managed to say in a way that sounded like viagra

I'm very much IDGAF what he does BUT I don't want to hear about it. I don't care if he's up until 5am but I don't want to know Blush
Don't get me wrong he's not saying anything graphic but every phone call is about how he stayed out, slept over, going to do this and that with her and I'm... it's been 6 months since mum died

OP posts:
PollyIndia · 04/01/2023 17:09

I'm sorry, that's tough. My mum died in march, but my dad was the total opposite and actually died of a broken heart in July.
I actually wish he had been up for getting out there and living a life again. But I also get it's not fun to be told about it in detail. Could you say to him that you want him to be happy but that you aren't ready to hear all the details of how he is moving on? That you need more time? Or maybe you'll never want to hear that, and that's fine too.

Livelifelaughter · 04/01/2023 17:22

Sorry for your loss OP, six months isn't long and I am sure things are raw. I recently lost a parent and Christmas and the New Year are really hard.

I have a bf of 5 months who hasn't told his adult children a thing about our relationship (separated from wife for over 2 years) because one has made it very clear she doesn't want to know at all and it means that he has to be evasive when she sees him. I think there's a balance to be had, if he mentions nothing he is excluding you from an aspect of his life which is important to him. There are somethings though that don't need to be said, not now and frankly not ever.

I think your dad needs to know that you are understandably still grieving and it's not that you don't want him to be happy but simply that you find some areas of conversation upsetting. You may have to clarify what, such as intimate details. I think though for your dad to not mention her at all may make your relationship with your dad not a truly honest one where you know he is keeping things from you, but if you prefer that then say so, he may not be able to do that, but I would hope the details of what he does at 5 am are omitted.

Original poster
throwaway2023 · 04/01/2023 17:23

Yeah it's not that I don't want to mention her but it's every sentence? If that makes sense
They've met maybe 4/5 times and he's invited her on holiday

OP posts:
PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 17:29

@throwaway2023 Been there. I went NC for several months to protect my own mental health. It wasn't rational or premeditated, just utter revulsion. Felt like he'd betrayed mum. For your dad it's a great solution isn't it? Get a replacement asap and pretend nothing's changed. Not sure your fathers dalliance is about happiness, sounds more like denial and displacement.

What has helped me is a bereavement peer support group for others who have lost a parent. I felt such shame, it took me ages to get along.

Do you have any siblings?

Maytodecember · 04/01/2023 17:33

I’m sorry for your loss of your mum.
Men, generally, move one much faster than women after they’re widowed, but 6 months is incredibly fast, a bit like a rebound romance.
He’s tactless talking to you about his gf but I guess he’s never been in this position before. As he’s being quite blunt in what he’s telling you I think you can be blunt with him. Tell him you don’t need to know the ins and outs of his relationship with her. You could point out it’s quite undignified and his gf might not appreciate him talking about her.

DoingALeicester · 04/01/2023 17:33

Ah. We are in a similar position and it is very hard. Four years on but because it became such a thing, I still have very difficult feelings now. I don't think I will ever come to terms, I almost have a phobia about her. It's awful, I am deeply ashamed of how I feel, but I can't help it. Dad is a wonderful man and has not done that intimate sharing thankfully, but it is just a mess. I want to make it right but I don't know how.

Original poster
throwaway2023 · 04/01/2023 17:39

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 17:29

@throwaway2023 Been there. I went NC for several months to protect my own mental health. It wasn't rational or premeditated, just utter revulsion. Felt like he'd betrayed mum. For your dad it's a great solution isn't it? Get a replacement asap and pretend nothing's changed. Not sure your fathers dalliance is about happiness, sounds more like denial and displacement.

What has helped me is a bereavement peer support group for others who have lost a parent. I felt such shame, it took me ages to get along.

Do you have any siblings?

None

It's a weird situation because I was very low contact with mum but I couldn't face her dying alone, nobody should have to be alone

Replacement.. I don't think so. Only because mum did nothing and dad did everything from cooking to cleaning to bills to working so he's definitely not looking for someone to cook etc!

I just don't want every conversation to have her in it but I don't feel I can say it or he's going to get upset

OP posts:
PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 17:55

I didn't mean a replacement for housework. Just any old woman to fill the void your mum left.

How often do you talk to your dad normally and since your mum died? Is he always a bit tactless?

I'm afraid my only advice is to redraw the boundaries with the old man. You can be explicit about that if you feel strong enough. I certainly didn't.

Original poster
throwaway2023 · 04/01/2023 17:58

He rings me pretty much daily. I lied and said I had another call coming in today as it had been 7 minutes and I hadn't got a word in yet Blush

OP posts:
maddy68 · 04/01/2023 18:02

I've been in exactly the same position i gritted my teeth and he married her.

Fast forward. My dad is very happy , she now has the stress of my aging parent rather than me and I have gained a lovely step mum.

Don't judge. He's an adult entitled to being happy and not lonely. Wish him / them well

whatstheteamarie · 04/01/2023 18:11

There's a few things to address here, firstly not everyone has the mental strength to watch their loved-one die, so please don't judge your DF harshly for that.

As you go onto say, you had a difficult relationship with your DM, so it may have been much harder for your DF to sit with her at the end than you.

Secondly it sounds as if the death wasn't sudden and therefore your father may have done some grieving prior to your mum's actual death.

Thirdly, grief of a spouse does weird things to you. It can cause extreme heightened sexual desire (often referred to as "widows fire"), it can cause you to throw caution to the wind and think "life is too short" about many things and change a previously cautious person into a real risk taker, or the total opposite, as just a couple of examples.

If you don't want to talk to your DF about his sex life that's completely fine, tell him that and expect him to abide by your wishes, but don't put a timeline on a person's grief, giving arbitrary dates when certain things are or aren't "suitable" to do.

Life is short, you only get one roll of the dice and if this woman is making your father happy after such a hideous time in his life you really should be pleased for him.

Love for a partner is like that of your children; your love of your first child doesn't diminish when you have a 2nd; just as your DF's love for his wife won't have diminished because he has a new partner, his heart has expanded and allowed more love in.

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 18:11

throwaway2023 · 04/01/2023 17:58

He rings me pretty much daily. I lied and said I had another call coming in today as it had been 7 minutes and I hadn't got a word in yet Blush

You listened to 7 minutes blethering about this woman? You are made of stern stuff.

What's your family situation?

Original poster
throwaway2023 · 04/01/2023 18:21

whatstheteamarie · 04/01/2023 18:11

There's a few things to address here, firstly not everyone has the mental strength to watch their loved-one die, so please don't judge your DF harshly for that.

As you go onto say, you had a difficult relationship with your DM, so it may have been much harder for your DF to sit with her at the end than you.

Secondly it sounds as if the death wasn't sudden and therefore your father may have done some grieving prior to your mum's actual death.

Thirdly, grief of a spouse does weird things to you. It can cause extreme heightened sexual desire (often referred to as "widows fire"), it can cause you to throw caution to the wind and think "life is too short" about many things and change a previously cautious person into a real risk taker, or the total opposite, as just a couple of examples.

If you don't want to talk to your DF about his sex life that's completely fine, tell him that and expect him to abide by your wishes, but don't put a timeline on a person's grief, giving arbitrary dates when certain things are or aren't "suitable" to do.

Life is short, you only get one roll of the dice and if this woman is making your father happy after such a hideous time in his life you really should be pleased for him.

Love for a partner is like that of your children; your love of your first child doesn't diminish when you have a 2nd; just as your DF's love for his wife won't have diminished because he has a new partner, his heart has expanded and allowed more love in.

I'm not saying I'm not pleased, I'm neither unhappy or happy I'm just.. neutral
It's the same as he wouldn't want to hear about me, and if I booked a holiday with a guy after 4/5 dates, he would be telling me I'm being an idiot
Even if it was just a new relationship and no death/grief, I would still be concerned it's rushed

I sort of get that about her death but she would have been alone Sad I went back as I had a weird feeling and she died 2hrs later and I couldn't get her face out my head for months. I haven't told him that, I just said it was peaceful (which it was) but not that I was waking up having nightmares about how she looked
It was very much "I'm a kid and I need my dad to be an adult and be here because I don't know what I'm doing"

OP posts:
Original poster
throwaway2023 · 04/01/2023 18:22

@PeaceLillyWhiteFlower no other family really. Aunt/uncle and cousins but no grandparents or siblings
Ended a relationship a few months ago when I found out he had lied to me and wasn't single

OP posts:
Somanymistakes · 04/01/2023 18:23

DoingALeicester · 04/01/2023 17:33

Ah. We are in a similar position and it is very hard. Four years on but because it became such a thing, I still have very difficult feelings now. I don't think I will ever come to terms, I almost have a phobia about her. It's awful, I am deeply ashamed of how I feel, but I can't help it. Dad is a wonderful man and has not done that intimate sharing thankfully, but it is just a mess. I want to make it right but I don't know how.

I'm so sorry. That sounds difficult.

Could you see a therapist and talk about these feelings? It doesn't sound like they are going to go away on their own. Perhaps your dad would come to a session with you? Not to lay blame or anything at his feet but so you can explain that you are struggling and you know it's "wrong" (I don't mean that with any judgement at all) that you feel like this and you desperately want to move past these feelings.

It's obviously hurting you and just being able to talk to him and verbalise your feelings and "shame" in feeling this way may work wonders for you and your relationship with your dad. I struggled with feeling furious with my partner (and I didn't know why) after my dad died. Luckily, well, not luckily, he had been through it when his mum passed away and so wasn't reactive and refused to let me pick fights. He just didn't react. Eventually he spoke to me about it and just being able to say the words "I'm so angry with you and I feel like I hate you but I don't know why" (I shouted them tbh) made the anger disappear. It was very strange. Verbalising it took the strength and power of it away, but I was very lucky he understood and didn't take offence.

If you've had a good relationship up until now, it's worth putting the effort in to try to sort out why you feel this way. You deserve to be happy as does your dad. You sound like a lovely daughter and I'm sure it would improve your life to work through this.

Try to find a therapist who is experienced in family relationships and perhaps grief.
Sending love.

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 18:30

It's a huge change to lose a parent, even if you didn't see her all the time, she's crucial to your identity.

And now your dad has ditched her in six months, while I guess you want to hang on to her. (Well I did anyway.)

There's no substitute for talking to others going through the same in real life. Different details but often the same raw emotions.

Original poster
throwaway2023 · 04/01/2023 18:31

I can't afford it unfortunately
If I started therapy I would need to move in with the issues there were with my mum, my failed relationships and the ED/self sabotage/SH my mum left me with!

I'm trying very hard to work on it by myself with meditation, exercise and self help

Think I'm also wary because dad mentioned the first time he met her she repeated herself and he said he wondered if she had "a touch of dementia"
My mum died with early onset Alzheimer's and the thought of repeating that...

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 04/01/2023 18:34

Been there, seen/experienced that. The husband widowers seemingly can't seem to been their own, just need a nurse and a purse (and a convenient shag) within seemingly months. I just don't get it.

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 18:34

@throwaway2023 I'm sorry about the deceptive relationship too. You seem remarkably strong for someone who has experienced a lot of loss and unwanted change in a short time.

Can you talk to your cousins or auntie?

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 18:41

Yes therapy can be scary expensive. There are 'free' or by donation services, depending on where you live. Try Cruse. You might not need years and years. Sometimes just being heard opens a floodgate of relief.

Did your mum slip away over a long period?

Original poster
throwaway2023 · 04/01/2023 18:51

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 18:41

Yes therapy can be scary expensive. There are 'free' or by donation services, depending on where you live. Try Cruse. You might not need years and years. Sometimes just being heard opens a floodgate of relief.

Did your mum slip away over a long period?

Yes and no. She was diagnosed 2017 but was stable for ages then deteriorated dramatically
She went into a care home briefly, refused to eat/drink and developed pneumonia with sepsis which wasn't treatable

OP posts:
80s · 04/01/2023 18:55

My FIL had a new girlfriend 2 weeks after his wife of 45 years died. His daughter hardly spoke to him for a couple of years, she was so disappointed and disgusted. He didn't seek her out as such; met her at a reunion. But I'd say it was weakness on his part, being afraid to be alone, that made him move so fast. They're still together years later and his daughter is coming to terms with it I think.

I just don't want every conversation to have her in it but I don't feel I can say it or he's going to get upset
You're upset. He can be upset too if that's how he reacts. You have every right to tell him you don't want to hear anything about this woman.

purpledalmation · 04/01/2023 19:20

If it was me I would say, I'm happy you are finding some comfort in this new relationship but I am grieving my mother still, and putting it politely I don't want to hear about your relationship or this woman

Choconut · 04/01/2023 19:42

Why is it ok for him to upset you by telling you about the GF but not for you to upset him by saying that you can't handle hearing about it at the moment.

Saturdaynoon · 04/01/2023 19:51

This situation is more common than you could imagine. I work in bereavement and widowers are often in new relationships or even narried within a few months. Others just pine and slip away themselves soon afterwards.

It is always difficult for the children. Loss of a mother is a very different type of grief, in my experience. And it is even more complicated where there were issues in your own relationship (have you googled attachment their etc?)

No easy answer, but you are absolutely allowed to tell him to shut up about his actual love life. I'd do the same if it was a child or a sibling - you just need the detail