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Original poster

Dad dating again

78 replies

throwaway2023 · 04/01/2023 16:48

NC for this
My parents were married 51 years and mum died in July 2022 which hit dad pretty hard
He's met someone and I'm trying to articulate my feelings over it but not doing it very well!

He wasn't there when mum died as "he had said goodbye and couldn't cope" which pissed me off because if I was married 51 years I would damn well expect him to be there! I had to be instead, and then tell him, and it wasn't nice

From what he's said he's met this woman maybe 4 times, and is now basically staying with her, has invited her on holiday and thanks dad been to the GP for "something private" which he managed to say in a way that sounded like viagra

I'm very much IDGAF what he does BUT I don't want to hear about it. I don't care if he's up until 5am but I don't want to know Blush
Don't get me wrong he's not saying anything graphic but every phone call is about how he stayed out, slept over, going to do this and that with her and I'm... it's been 6 months since mum died

OP posts:
80s · 04/01/2023 19:53

@Saturdaynoon The widowers more thaan the widows, is that right?

Saturdaynoon · 04/01/2023 19:56

Yes, in my experience. Widows do find new relationships, but take longer.

I was actually having exactly this conversation with a friend last week who's father has just started a new relationship within 2 months.

The widowers I know do grieve hugely, but they just seem to move on quicker.

Inglenooky · 04/01/2023 19:57

Same thing happened to me, it turns out the he was seeing this woman before my mum died. He was going out for drinks two weeks after my mum died, he moved her in 4 months after.

I told him I didn’t want anything to do with her as she started meddling between us straight away and he said well in that case I don’t want anything to do with you.

So 7 years later we are still NC. His loss.

Original poster
throwaway2023 · 04/01/2023 19:58

Saturdaynoon · 04/01/2023 19:51

This situation is more common than you could imagine. I work in bereavement and widowers are often in new relationships or even narried within a few months. Others just pine and slip away themselves soon afterwards.

It is always difficult for the children. Loss of a mother is a very different type of grief, in my experience. And it is even more complicated where there were issues in your own relationship (have you googled attachment their etc?)

No easy answer, but you are absolutely allowed to tell him to shut up about his actual love life. I'd do the same if it was a child or a sibling - you just need the detail

Yeah somewhere between fearful avoidant and disorganised attachment

OP posts:
Judgyjudgy · 04/01/2023 20:01

throwaway2023 · 04/01/2023 17:23

Yeah it's not that I don't want to mention her but it's every sentence? If that makes sense
They've met maybe 4/5 times and he's invited her on holiday

I'm so sorry OP. I think just tell him this, tell him you're still grieving and that you're happy for him buy if he could tone it down a bit please. I would really struggle with this, but it's good your dad is happy, who know it may even be his way of coping. Thoughts are with you Flowers

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 20:03

Sorry to hear that @Inglenooky, proper betrayal. What sort of character is your dad?

Mischance · 04/01/2023 20:07

My FIL did just this. Within a few months of MIL's death he took up with a woman in her 50s - he was in late 80s. And the whole viagra thing reared its head (!) too, as he consulted my doctor OH about getting some. We let it wash by us, and I was thankful that I did not have to look after him to be honest. She wasn't a gold-digger though - when he died and we were clearing his flat I asked her if there was anything she wanted and she said she really liked the new oven gloves he had bought and could she have those ....... sure, no problem!

DoingALeicester · 04/01/2023 20:12

@Somanymistakes that is such a lovely message, thank you. I will try and take your advice, and will certainly think hard about what you have said. I don't want to derail the thread as I think poor OP has bigger issues than me. But thank you. And OP, and everyone, I'm sorry for all your losses.

Waterfallgirl · 04/01/2023 20:13

@throwaway2023 would it help if you could write down how you feel and give it to him, just a simple ‘ I’m grieving and I know you are too Dad - but I’m still dealing with losing mum at the moment and I’m not ready to chat about or meet Susan ‘ ?

@Inglenooky i am so sorry that happened to you.

Saturdaynoon · 04/01/2023 20:16

OP, if you understand attachment, then you'll get that It's all about boundaries.

I'm not a counsellor, but I see this dynamic over and over again.

And the older I get, the less I judge.

You need to separate the two things. Your grief for the loss of your mum, which is complicated because you're never going to achieve the relationship that you craved with her. But that will be because of her issues, you couldn't have done more to fix it. Counselling is very useful here, but you can find a lot online.

As for your dad, he is an adult, probably feeling quite mortal, and wanting to live a life before he feels it's too late for him. It's not replacing your mum.

But you don't have to listen to the detail. Boundaries. Just tell him, good for him, but you don't need to hear it.

I'm not a counsellor, I might be talking utter rubbish, mind you..

zonky · 04/01/2023 20:21

YouJustDoYou · 04/01/2023 18:34

Been there, seen/experienced that. The husband widowers seemingly can't seem to been their own, just need a nurse and a purse (and a convenient shag) within seemingly months. I just don't get it.

This has been my observations from life too, that a lot of men also can't seem to handle being alone following separation, divorce or any other major life event. Not sure why the women they do get in to a relationship don't seem to question them? Maybe people are so afraid of being alone, or they didn't care that much about their partners to begin with if they can move on so quickly.

PeaceLillyWhiteFlower · 04/01/2023 20:32

@zonky @Saturdaynoon & others I don't think there's any mystery beyond the increasing gender imbalance as people age. Added to that affluent men tend to live longer than poorer ones. So when a widower or solvent divorcee hits the market there's a feeding frenzy. By contrast when does a woman, widowed in her 80s get together with a man in his 50s? Er, never. If he's healthy, then a widowed man doesn't need to bother with all that boring grief stuff, just get with a new woman.

On the rare occasions that it happens the other way round and aged widowed mum gets with a new man straight away, families can find it just as hurtful. But the odds are stacked against that one.

Puppers · 04/01/2023 20:33

I think you're being very gracious in the circumstances.

I read once that widowers (more so than widows) who move on very quickly are very often the ones who have had the longest and happiest marriages. I think, speaking purely from personal experience, that idea is just so alien to many women. The idea that you can love someone and then just immediately be onto the next woman as soon as she's gone. It's hard to believe that it doesn't speak to that person's feelings for their late spouse. And it must be damn near impossible to believe when it's your own father and you're still grieving for your mother while he's seemingly a love sick teenager all over again. But it is a well-documented phenomenon and it may be helpful to read about it.

All of that said, you are still perfectly entitled to your feelings and they are every bit as valid as your father's. If you are going to be gracious and respectful of the way he chooses to grieve (which you unquestionably are), then you deserve that same consideration coming back the other way. It is absolutely fair - and necessary for your healing - for you to express that you are not ready to hear so much about this new girlfriend. And that you never want to hear about his sex life because, grief aside, you don't consider it appropriate and it's not part of his life that you wish to be involved in at any level. Not to mention that his new girlfriend probably wouldn't be too thrilled to learn that he's bragging like an idiot.

You can have boundaries here. I know you don't want to upset him, but you are upset right now. That's not OK.

herbaltea21 · 04/01/2023 20:35

Op I totally agree with your point and your feelings are absolutely valid. This must be really hard for you ❤️

Original poster
throwaway2023 · 04/01/2023 20:37

It was less bragging and more... he's been to the doctors this week and ran through everything he went for
And then got to the end and said oh and something private too. Just.. why even mention it if it's private?!

OP posts:
SpentDandelion · 04/01/2023 20:41

Everyone is so quick to judge until it happens to them. Words are insufficient to explain the loss of a life long partner. Many widowers l know were given permission to move on and live their lives by their late wives before they died. That's what true love is all about, unconditional.
Life doesn't adhere to a schedule, this stupid timeframe regarding grief is very damaging, (unless young children involved, then it's different). However adult children should support parents choice to move on, to be brave enough to try and find love again, it is not a sign of disrespect, their partner died, but they didnt, they are still here and now being judged by people who haven't lost a partner.
I have lost a husband and my dad, l have walked in both sets of shoes. I have seen my Mum become lifeless after the death of my Dad, he wouldn't have wanted that for her, and neither do l. My children were still very young so my focus was on them, but l wouldn't ever judge anyone for trying to find some kind of normal again.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 04/01/2023 20:43

It sounds like your dad shut down his feelings at the end of your mum’s life and he might be using this new relationship as a distraction from feeling his grief.

I wonder if, because you are feeling your grief, if that presents a challenge for him so perhaps he babbles about his new relationship as a way of swerving the conversation away from his grief?

It’s very difficult as your experiences are very different and you each seem to be handling it very differently. I don’t think that’s uncommon in families - it is a shared loss but you each have your own relationship to the deceased and your own way of handling it.

Perhaps try to focus on yourself and your own process as much as you can. It’s very tough as ideally you would have your remaining parent supporting you through this big loss and rite of passage. When you lose a parent you grow in all sorts of painful and necessary and beautiful ways. You might have to find your own support network through it. I’m sorry Flowers

Theres a book I’ve heard good things about lately about grief called The Wild Edge of Sorrow - www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1583949763/ref=ox_sc_saved_image_6?smid=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&psc=1

Original poster
throwaway2023 · 04/01/2023 20:48

SpentDandelion · 04/01/2023 20:41

Everyone is so quick to judge until it happens to them. Words are insufficient to explain the loss of a life long partner. Many widowers l know were given permission to move on and live their lives by their late wives before they died. That's what true love is all about, unconditional.
Life doesn't adhere to a schedule, this stupid timeframe regarding grief is very damaging, (unless young children involved, then it's different). However adult children should support parents choice to move on, to be brave enough to try and find love again, it is not a sign of disrespect, their partner died, but they didnt, they are still here and now being judged by people who haven't lost a partner.
I have lost a husband and my dad, l have walked in both sets of shoes. I have seen my Mum become lifeless after the death of my Dad, he wouldn't have wanted that for her, and neither do l. My children were still very young so my focus was on them, but l wouldn't ever judge anyone for trying to find some kind of normal again.

I'm not saying there's a timeframe!
He can sleep with half the country this week if he wants to and he's happy, I just don't want to know about it

I was there when mum died, I sorted the funeral, I was the one listening when he was broken with grief, and getting him to the GP etc and now I have to listen daily to stories about a woman I've never met that he's spent less than a week with in total?

I've said constantly in the posts, I know there is not a timeframe a lot more than I've said on here, I've been through more loss than a lot of people ever do
If he's happy, it's fine. I just don't want to talk about her constantly

Conversation I'm ok with
I went to Aldi, met X for a drink, oh your uncle rang

Conversation I'm not ok with
I met X for a drink, her daughter lives here, we were up until 5am, I'm going away with her, oh did I mention we went for a meal, and she needs picking up from town, I'm staying over tonight by the way, asked the GP about something private, we didn't get to sleep until 4 on Friday...,

OP posts:
Original poster
throwaway2023 · 04/01/2023 20:49

@Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink we don't talk about grief, other than him keep constantly saying how upset he was and me saying well it takes time, it's been 3 weeks, you said the same yesterday and it's not going to be better overnight!

Neither of my parents have ever hugged or kissed me or said they love me so it's definitely not that kind of relationship

OP posts:
80s · 04/01/2023 21:03

Sure, you shouldn't judged etc. but equally, adult children are allowed to have complicated feelings when one parent dies and the other finds a new partner quickly. My (ex) SIL felt angry and upset not just because of her dad's moving on quickly but because he had the new lady in the house, wearing her mum's old clothes. Fair enough if she did not want to have her round for Christmas. (I had him over instead to keep him out of her hair!)

AvocadoRock · 04/01/2023 21:27

I completely understand. My mum has a boyfriend, has done for three years now. My dad is still alive, but mum split up with him not long after he was diagnosed with dementia. He's now in a care home with end stage dementia.

I get that my mum wants to be happy. However she bad mouths my dad and every opportunity to justify quickly moving into this relationship. She can't see how hard it is being around this man when my poor dad has been deserted. Initially she was giving far too much information about her sex life but has stopped that thank goodness! Just feels like she's got involved with the first man who looked at her rather than have any time on her own.

I sympathise with you, it's hard seeing a parent in this new light.

DoingALeicester · 04/01/2023 21:42

Oh @AvocadoRock that is just horrendous. Awful for you.

TheOnlyAletheia · 04/01/2023 22:04

when my mum died suddenly, after 40 years of an ostensibly happy marriage, my dad decided to move someone into our family home two weeks later. When that relationship faltered he was on dating sites and telling myself and my sister about them. This went on until he remarried.

He was definitely looking for someone to fill a woman shaped hole in his life. what was so painful was that the speed at which it happened, the parading of the new relationships and the way in which it pissed all over my mums memory. I remember him doing the competitive grief thing and during it all my sister and I weren’t able to grief my mum properly because of the way he relentlessly focussed on pursuing his new relationships. It changed the family dynamic forever. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this shit xx

Bodyisbuggered · 04/01/2023 22:21

I had similar when my DF started dating after mum died.
I became extremely anxious about it but couldn’t articulate why.
Dad turned into a giddy teenager, had mentionitis and wanted her involved in everything.
Living very near dad I couldn’t help but know when he was in or out and I struggled with it massively.

I have to say things all calmed down after a while.
Can you talk to your dad about how you are feeling?

Puppers · 04/01/2023 22:28

SpentDandelion · 04/01/2023 20:41

Everyone is so quick to judge until it happens to them. Words are insufficient to explain the loss of a life long partner. Many widowers l know were given permission to move on and live their lives by their late wives before they died. That's what true love is all about, unconditional.
Life doesn't adhere to a schedule, this stupid timeframe regarding grief is very damaging, (unless young children involved, then it's different). However adult children should support parents choice to move on, to be brave enough to try and find love again, it is not a sign of disrespect, their partner died, but they didnt, they are still here and now being judged by people who haven't lost a partner.
I have lost a husband and my dad, l have walked in both sets of shoes. I have seen my Mum become lifeless after the death of my Dad, he wouldn't have wanted that for her, and neither do l. My children were still very young so my focus was on them, but l wouldn't ever judge anyone for trying to find some kind of normal again.

But isn't it also acceptable for adult children to grieve in their own way and experience their own emotions? And isn't it understandable that may be made harder by having a front row ticket to their surviving parent's new relationship? If adult children are expected to consider their parent's feelings then they should also be able to expect some consideration and empathy from the other direction.