Dad dating again

[throwaway2023]

NC for this
My parents were married 51 years and mum died in July 2022 which hit dad pretty hard
He's met someone and I'm trying to articulate my feelings over it but not doing it very well!

He wasn't there when mum died as "he had said goodbye and couldn't cope" which pissed me off because if I was married 51 years I would damn well expect him to be there! I had to be instead, and then tell him, and it wasn't nice

From what he's said he's met this woman maybe 4 times, and is now basically staying with her, has invited her on holiday and thanks dad been to the GP for "something private" which he managed to say in a way that sounded like viagra

I'm very much IDGAF what he does BUT I don't want to hear about it. I don't care if he's up until 5am but I don't want to know
Don't get me wrong he's not saying anything graphic but every phone call is about how he stayed out, slept over, going to do this and that with her and I'm... it's been 6 months since mum died

Your mum has been gone 6 months and your dad is already staying with another woman?

As awful as it is to say he might be one of those men who find it difficult to not have a woman looking after them.

Yeah that's the thing - he's not!
He's used to doing absolutely everything by himself which is why I'm so
And yes, he's been staying over at hers from what he's said that I haven't tuned out

@throwaway2023

sorry for your loss but you need to get real.
your dad must be 70 plus? So time moves faster. If he waits a few years he might be dead.

Also sounds like your mum was ill before passing and hence your father had that too.

just because he found some happiness now does not take away from your mum, their relationship and their 52 years as she is dead.

life is for the living

Men get a lot more out of marriage, a lot more happiness in general than women. They tend to move on much quickly than women, wanting to replicate the marriage they had.

I'm not sure if "unconditional" love should ever be applied to partners, it should be conditional as you wouldn't stay with someone who is abusive.

Tell your dad that you are still grieving and missing your mother and probably will for at least three years.

Ask if he could just keep his new private life to himself.

Was your late dm the type to scoot around after him for everything? Imo men usually look for another maid unfortunately. I've seen a few in the area I live instantly regain the 'woman' of the house after their wives die. Sorry for your loss OP. I'd just ignore and get on with your own life putting yourself and your needs first.

Not at all
My mum never cleaned, did any laundry, didn't know how to put fuel in the car, anything
Dad did it all. If I wanted a button sewing on or something washing when I lived at home I would find dad

He comes across to everyone as a nice guy but it’s become clear that he’s only out for himself. It broke my heart as we were close. He dropped myself and my brother like hot coals once this woman came on the scene and he immediately ingratiated himself into her large family, couldn’t do enough for them all.

he’s not seen his only blood grandchildren for 7 years, he’s not bothered. He just made a new life for himself very quickly and mentally compartmentalised our old life into a box and shut it away

Slightly brutal turn of phrase there @Justellingthetruth - get your point of course

@DoingALeicester

Needed to be said. I faced exactly the same And dealt with it as I said.

Si saying as I did.

Hi OP
Pretty much same situation here. Parents married 48 years and at around six months dad decided there was someone he liked. In his case, he went from being very 'old' and sad to suddenly becoming cheerful and having an interest in life again. It felt very quick but at the same time, I was very glad to see him happy again. He did start out by trying to tell me all the details but I said to him that I wanted him to be happy, I wasn't against it, I just wasn't ready to hear all about it. He understood and for the most part, respected that.

As time has gone on, I've had time to adjust and honestly it is nice to see him smiling and enjoying life. So perhaps you could have the same conversation with your dad...give him your support but just ask for time to process it and for him to not give you any spicy details 😬

Difficult though, not everyone able to do that. Me included. Am sure you are right but it is tricky, am sure you agree. The point someone made earlier stood out to me. I haven't been in those shoes, accept that, but it still seems like a totally alien idea to have a new relationship. At heart I think I just don't get it and can't imagine it. My failure of imagination I guess.

My reply was to @Justellingthetruth. @someonemakeitstop I admire you, you are a better person than me. I just find six months to be outrageously fast, in all our cases. Obviously me.

My dad met up with his childhood sweetheart 6 months after my mum died at 49 having been married to my dad for 30 years.
He rang me daily and read her texts out to me, told me what they had done and more horrifically told me he was 'the happiest he had ever been'.

She was married with 2 teen kids at the time. They had an affair and she eventually left her husband.

They are now married and it's fine, but fuck me it was horrible. When I called him out on it he told me I was 'fucking selfish' for not being happy.
My brother moved away and went low contact for a long time, he was really upset.

I was 24, if it happened now I'm older I would tell him in no uncertain terms that I did not want to hear it. I would go NC.

It made grieving for my mum so much harder.

Oh yes, definitely outrageously fast! I just had to tell myself it was choice between that or losing him to a broken heart. We had a good heart to heart and he said it didn't diminish his love for my mum at all but he was somehow able to wrap that up and yet experience joy with someone else at the same time. I don't understand that at all but if he's happy then I'm happy. Plus she is a genuinely nice lady. 😊

Maybe that is key @someonemakeitstop - I guess in truth ours isn't the kind of person I would have hoped for for him.

@askmenothing I feel awful for you reading that. That's absolutely terrible.

Thanks. It was 13 years ago so it doesn't sting as much anymore.

I was just really young and it was the worse thing my dad could have done to (not) support me through losing my mum, my bro is younger than me, it really screwed him up. Plus my stepsisters have never really forgiven my dad for destroying their parents marriage.

I have heard loads of similar stories, usually men, just can't seem to be alone,

@throwaway2023 I hope I haven't derailed too much. Also hope it is useful to see you are not alone in your feelings. I really hope you will feel you are able to say something to your Dad about some of these conversations, particularly the intimate stuff. You really do have that right.

I agree @askmenothing, always the men, true to my experience of hearing about others too. The widowed women I know are different.

@Inglenooky Sorry, that sounds just awful. Double loss plus betrayal. Hope you are able to get on with life and get dragged down by it.

@throwaway2023 you sound like a dutiful daughter. Possibly too dutiful? I get the impression your father thinks his happiness trumps everyone else. Is it time to get busy and not be so available for your father (& his tmi phone calls) for a while? I know that sounds trite and isn't a quick solution for the hurt you feel.

Yeah I've definitely backed off a bit

He does keep ringing me at the minute because I'm immunocompromised with covid and on antivirals so I think it's checking I haven't keeled over
He rang me today and repeated some of the same stuff so I said yeah you've told me and changed the subject. Wasn't really feeling well enough to get into an argument

It's so complex.. my dad thinks things were "normal" when I was younger but if I explain a couple of things that happened you might see why the family relationship is fucked

I broke my ankle and foot badly. My mum asked me to make her a brew (I was on under arm crutches, 2 days after breaking it)
I made it and couldn't carry it so had to crawl with the mug and that was "normal"

Some days I would get up and say morning and she would look at me, huff and then carry on reading the paper and not speak to me for days. Would always wonder what I had done wrong and try to please her and fix it (it was never anything I had done) so now I panic if people don't speak to me

I went "missing" briefly as a kid (out playing too long) and rather than be relieved I was back, she hit me around the head so hard I remember seeing stars and screaming

@throwaway2023 you sound like you had a similar relationship with your mother that I did.
My mother suffered with mental health problems and alcoholism so kept us kids emotionally at arms length. My parents had lots of marriage and financial difficulties and none of it was kept from us kids, we were exposed to all the worry and stress. As we grew up I was an emotional support for my father when in hindsight I realise now he should have been protecting us from stuff like that.

As an adult I continued to be close to and a support for my father whilst my mother drank herself to death and he made daft decisions all his life, I would be there to try and help.

He didn’t protect us children from our mothers beatings, shouting and terror and he’d always side with her for an easy life. He sat back and allowed her to kick me out aged 17. Yet I still tried my best to help him out and support him.

After my mother died I thought we’d be able to live a quieter happier life but of course he had this woman in the background who was keen for him to cut us out of his life.

True to form, he sided with her immediately, just like he used to with my mother, revealing really that he used us kids as a crutch and simply would latch on to the next person that would offer him anything (in this case a warm bed and some financial security), he was happy to throw us away to get it.

We talk about ourselves as ‘kids’ but we are middle aged adults. All of this took me straight back to being overlooked by him (often very unfairly) against my mother when I was growing up.

He stated that unless I accepted his new GF (who wasn’t nice to us at all) he’d have nothing to do with us. And I suddenly thought ‘no, you did this to me over and over again as a child, I’m not letting you have control of me as an adult’ and I haven’t.

I've managed to speak to him a bit, he wanted to sit down and talk about and say she isn't a replacement for mum and it's a serious relationship and he wants me to meet her
He only met her just before Christmas so I've kind of said that's fine, I'm glad you're happy but I don't want to talk about it or hear about it, sorry
Also that if I was going on holiday and declaring a serious relationship after weeks that he would have something to say, and I didn't introduce him to my last partner until after 6 months so I'm happy to meet her but not now

Thanks for the update @throwaway2023 glad you have cleared the air about it. Do you feel any better?

(Slightly disingenuous of him to say: its serious, but she's not a replacement for mum.)