Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I think this is a dealbreaker

79 replies

Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 11:51

We’ve been together 6 years. 4 adult children between us, he has 4 young grandchildren.

When we met, my youngest was still a teenager so we took things very slowly. But the relationship endured and now we are in a position to live together.

I would like a fresh start and find somewhere new for both of us. However, he is reluctant to leave his former marital home saying that his children and grandchildren would be upset. He is still quite close to his ex wife and she has said she’d be devastated if he sold the family home. She left him 10 years ago and moved in with her lover but they have since split. She still treats the old family home as if it is hers.

AIBU to think this is a dealbreaker? I actually get on well with his ex wife and children/grandchildren but I feel like it’s time to make a proper commitment or end things.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/01/2023 11:57

I’m with you. It’s time he made the choice whether to stay stuck in the past or embrace a future with you.

What do you think you’ll do?

confusedlots · 03/01/2023 11:59

What's he suggesting? That you move into his home? I wouldn't be happy to do that if it's the home he shared with his ex wife. Yes, he needs to move on if he wants you to be in his future

emmetgirl · 03/01/2023 12:00

That would be a dealbreaker for me.
His kids are adults. They don't have to like what their father does. If they or his ExW are so fond of the house they can buy it from him and live in it themselves.

Original poster

Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 12:03

I honestly don’t know.

He does admit that he is stuck in the past but he is worried about upsetting the family. His house is where everyone traditionally comes to for birthdays, Christmas etc.

I have no issue with hosting in the future but I would like it to be in OUR home that we have built together. As things are, I feel like he and his ex wife are the hosts and I am just another guest.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/01/2023 12:05

That’s so telling.

It’s been too easy for him to take the benefits of a new relationship with at least one foot in a previous relationship and him letting her thinking it’s still her home.

How did her now ex feel about how enmeshed they are? Is that why they split up?

Original poster

Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 12:09

Enmeshed is the right word. No, her ex became chronically ill and she left him. She did try to get back with my DP but for him it was over. When we met about a year later, she was still trying to get back with him but eventually accepted our relationship.

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 03/01/2023 12:14

It's understandable that you want to make a clean break and feel you're moving the relationship forward as a team.

My concern would be that if you were willing to move into his property, he'd happily let you do home improvements, pay towards the mortgage and use your own assets to build his asset, but probably would be slippery and find reasons why you can own a percentage of the property.

Slimjimtobe · 03/01/2023 12:16

I think she’s very selfish to expect him to keep the home when she was the one who broke it up and yet she’s treated with such respect and her needs trump yours. I would quietly walk away.

Original poster

Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 12:17

@LolaSmiles we are both mortgage free and financially stable so we are fortunate that money itself isn’t much of an issue. In fact, a PP suggestion that his ex and/or children live in the house is even something I’ve brought up. It could be quite a good way of giving his children their inheritance early via the house. But for him it is an emotional issue.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 12:19

@Slimjimtobe so much of me agrees with your post. But I love him. It’s not easy to walk away from what is otherwise a wonderful relationship.

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 03/01/2023 12:19

Both being financially stable in your own right is a good thing. There's too many threads on here where women get shafted moving into a man's house.

Could his ex/children buy the house from him and then you start over in a new house together?

Or, would you be happy in a long term relationship but living separately?

Unforgettablehamster · 03/01/2023 12:20

Anotheryearsameshitshow · 03/01/2023 12:22

Don't you feel like the ow?

Movinghouseatlast · 03/01/2023 12:23

That's really hard. I can totally understand both sides to be honest. As a daughter I would hate the family home to be sold ( my siblings are in their 50's but would not be able to cope!) But as a partner I would want a fresh start.

I think you have to be very pragmatic here. Sit down and talk about inheritance issues. If you moved in with him and he died who would get the house? Often older children are even if only subconsciously concerned about this.

Is there a compromise somewhere? I saw a TV drama once where in this situation the house was totally gutted- all furniture changed, new kitchen and bathroom, the lot. Or could one of his kids buy the house from him?

Toomanysleepycats · 03/01/2023 12:29

I would start looking on right move and see if you can get him interested/excited about another house.

If you are happy about future hosting look for something that would make a great place for Christmas gatherings and say summer BBQ’s.

It may not work, but if at the same time you work on the fact he’s admitted he’s stuck in the past. Maybe moving could release some capital, so you could have more holidays, or buy a second home/flat. Sell him the idea of the lifestyle the two of you could have together.

MermaidEyes · 03/01/2023 12:30

It's nice he still has a good relationship with his ex wife but there's definitely an element of her still having control over him. It seems they're both happy to have it that way. I would honestly contemplate giving him an ultimatum, either you both buy somewhere together for your future or you go your separate ways. His answer will tell you whether he's really invested in this relationship or it's just convenient for him.

WhenDovesFly · 03/01/2023 12:30

I wouldn't want to move into his house, especially if the ex still treats it like hers. No way should you be feeling like a guest in your own home.

I wonder if he'd be happy with you putting your 'stamp' on it and changing anything?

In the same circumstances I'd be saying that we either set up a new home together, or we continue to live apart.

Original poster

Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 12:34

I have suggested he put the house in his children’s name so that they inherit it now, and with the 7 year rule they would not have to pay inheritance tax.

Between us we have enough to buy somewhere together which would be ours. I would even be happy to buy the new home solely so that his children inherit all of his assets.

The issue is not money related. It is about whether he can let go of his past life and move forward with a new partner and build a new life together.

OP posts:

BraveGoldie · 03/01/2023 12:53

A family home is a really powerful, emotional thing for kids - even grown up. For the kids, I would be devastated to loose the family home in order for a parent to 'start fresh' with somebody else.

I also don't think it's right to expect him to erase his family history by losing that house.

To me it's only problematic if the unwillingness to let go is due to romantic feelings he has with his ex, rather than loving feelings about his history and family.

At the same time, I understand you wanting a fresh space. If you move in, there has to be agreements and clear understanding that interior decor etc can change, and you are the hostess, not ex. Or, if finances allow, just keep the house in the family, while getting somewhere new?

notnelltoo · 03/01/2023 12:54

That's sounds difficult for you. You are making the changes and compromises and things all stay much the same for him and his family, does he not realise this?

I was in a similar situation when I first got together with my now DH. He lived in the family house. The difference is he was widowed but it was very much his wife's house with all her ornaments and photos of her relatives everywhere. His adult children came to the house and still had their bedrooms there even though they didn't live there anymore. I felt like an interloper. Gradually I changed things new kitchen new windows and new central heating but it still didn't feel like my house.

We eventually moved to a smaller house round the corner from the old house and it now feels like my and our house. I still have a few photos and a few of her ornaments but I control it. There's not much room for his children and their children to stay here. All the family get togethers have moved to my step daughters house too.

It's been a gradual process and I think it's been hard for both of us. I've often had to bite my tongue and call on my patience. I think he found it really hard to adjust and to realise that I found it all very uncomfortable living in his marital home, logically he knew it made sense but emotionally he struggled to give up his marital home and it's connotations. Once we'd made the move we had some work done on the house so that we made it how we wanted it as a jointly owned home with things in it that we chose together.

Ps whatever you do ensure you have security should anything ever happen to him.

PoppyGG · 03/01/2023 13:12

What happens when your children want to visit? Your partner's children, and ex-wife 🙄, undoubtedly feel very much at home in this house. But what about your children?

Original poster

Dooaleapa · 03/01/2023 13:21

@PoppyGG
currently it’s not an issue as I have my own house where my children come to. They are not too worried about it being sold as it is not their childhood home.

Whilst I do understand children being attached to their childhood home, I think very few adults would begrudge their parents moving on and finding happiness with a new partner. I think his children are a bit spoiled if I’m totally honest.

OP posts:

PoppyGG · 03/01/2023 13:26

Yes, I get that. I'm talking about the future when you sell your house and move in with your partner. Will your children feel at home there?

BraveGoldie · 03/01/2023 13:31

Moving on romantically, sure of course I would be happy for my parent.

But moving on as in selling the family home, when I know my parent doesn't actually want to, in order to set up a new space where the partner feels better able to assert herself, and erase the family history- nope, wouldn't be happy about that.

I'm also curious how he ended up with the family home. Did she leave equity in it? Was there a second property that she got? Or does her sense of ownership actually have some legal or moral grounding?

Googlecanthelpme · 03/01/2023 13:36

I wouldn’t necessarily have an issue with moving into someone’s old martial home however in your case OP it sounds like blurred lines with the ex.

IF everything was very clear cut and it wasn’t so emotionally driven by “the past” and it was a lovely home with good practical aspects then fine.

In your case I wouldn’t do it. I would want a home free from all the history.

If you’ve been really clear that you don’t want to live there perhaps in time he will start to come round to the idea? Or if you know he absolutely will not, then I suppose the only other option is for you to buy a place just for you and continue the relationship as it is

Flip

1 2 3 4